Happy Halloween everyone! I hope you all had some fun tricks and treats yesterday!!!
Here’s a random factoid: A year ago today I was running the New York City Marathon. That’s what was on my mind as I went out for an easy jog along the lake path this morning. I was remembering what a beautiful day it was, how fit I felt, how amazing it was to run across the Verrazano Bridge and begin that 26.2 mile journey. I was smiling every step of the way in the last five miles to the finish line, it was pretty ridiculous. (In a good way!) That was one of the best runs of my entire life—I’m not talking about my finish time, just how good I felt for most of the race. It was like all of my stars aligned that day.
Afterwards, I showered up, stepped my aching quads into jeans and slipped my throbbing feet into some forgivingly comfie boots. And then I joined my hubs at the hotel bar, where we were meeting up with a couple we’ve been friends with, but not super in-touch with since we moved to the Midwest, for years. The girl ordered a Bloody Mary sans alcohol so I knew at once (sorry, but it’s true) that she was preggers. And in fact, it was quite obvious, she was about six months along. It was very exciting. And her smile was as big and happy as the one I couldn’t wipe off my face along on the race course. Our beers and the faux cocktail arrived at the table and we all clinked glasses to cheers their baby girl on the way!
I swear I’m going somewhere with this. At the time, babies were definitely on my mind. Very much so. In fact, I’d been bringing up the topic of a baby with the hubs for a solid year (at least) by last fall. But we both found all sorts reasons why it wasn’t quite our time. School. Job insecurity. Just…stuff. Then the chance to do the marathon came up for me and we agreed I’d do that and we’d put off babies a little longer. After the holidays. Til the following spring. Or summer. Whenever. Soon, just not…yet.
When we had a drink with our friends and heard their fab news, I wasn’t even the teeniest tiniest bit jealous or stressed or anxious. (Like, I am ashamed to admit, I can become these days when it feels like every friend, coworker, neighbor and stranger walking down the sidewalk is sporting a big ‘ol preggers belly.) I was happy for them from the tips of my fingers all the way down to my toes. I asked questions about the baby nursery, potential names, how she was feeling…all of that good stuff. I was blissfully naive, thinking, Our time is so close! As soon as I go of the BC! I’ll be pregnant soooon!
Well, fast-forward one year and our time has not yet come. Going off BC does not a baby make. I’m totally at peace about not being in training for anything right now. I don’t wish I was running the NYC Marathon today. But if I could rewind time, I definitely would’ve gone off BC by last Fall. (To be honest, I would’ve gone off it YEARS ago and switched to another form of protection, had I any clue how it can mess with your cycle and disguise some problems.) Not that I think things (my lack of ovulating) would’ve been any different whenever I did go off the pill, I just think about how it would’ve been nice to deal with resolving this stuff during a time when I wasn’t already fully experiencing intense oh-my-gosh-I’m-soooo-ready-to-have-a-baby!!! emotions, if you know what I mean.
I ran before taking today’s OPK because testing after exercising seems to give me the best luck, when it comes to the varying shades of faint of lines (haha). (I tested last night, too, I know, so bad…and the line had gone away. It was not a fun Halloween treat!) There was, wait for it……a very faint line. Pretty much the same as yesterday’s. Slightly lighter than CD14, which was the darkest of all the VERY faint lines. 🙂 Today is CD16 so it appears that I am, indeed, one of those girls who doesn’t respond to 50mg of Clomid. I am coming to terms with that. The hubs and I are still doing the daily deed, just to cover our bases, but I’m not expecting any miracles. To be honest, I wish I could get a new Provera Rx pronto so we can go onto the next cycle! (I’m not sure how this will work. Since I didn’t ovulate I will not menstruate. I wonder at what point my doc will call off this cycle and get us going on the next? I’m hoping to get that question, and some others, answered when I head in for the Progesterone test on Friday.)
In some ways, TTC feels like a marathon. It’s not always unicorns and daisies. There are some really hard moments when you have to grit your teeth just a bit and find the strength to keep surging on. There are dark spots in every long race, but there are also lots of happy moments when you’re filled with hope and strength. And smiles! I’m thinking my next cycle is going to be one of those amazing, stars-align miles of the journey. 🙂