You are not in a bubble

Another Friday, another early morning visit to my RE’s office. When I talked to the nurse yesterday afternoon about the next steps for cycle #2, she left the ball in my court, so to speak, in deciding whether or not to get monitored. Basically, we can 1) Do five days of 100mg Clomid and I can take OPKs at home, just like last cycle. Or 2) Get the peace of mind of weekly tests checking my hormone levels, ultrasounds to measure my lining and follicle size, and the option of using an Ovidrel trigger shot if Dr. C deems it necessary later on in the cycle.

Of course, peace of mind and information don’t come free of charge. Because my insurance for infertility treatments doesn’t kick in until summer (so far away!), I will have to pay for the monitoring bells and whistles out of pocket. Ouch. My hubs and I can either pay for each test a la carte, or we can buy a package deal for the cycle. The most basic one my RE offers includes unlimited ultrasounds, bloodwork and—this part wigged me out—IUI. (To me this kinda feels like a trip to Cancun….you can either buy the crazy all-you-can-eat-and-drink package and squeeze it for all its worth, or you can reason that you’ll only have a few drinks and meals at the resort and opt out.) Patients can’t modify the packages…so if I buy the basic one, I’m paying for IUI whether or not I want it/need it.

Well, friends, I signed up for the package. The cost was not my life savings or anything, but it was a nice little sum. Basically, I will be paying for this using some freelancing money I’ve earned over the past couple of months. It’s money I hoped to use on some Christmas presents and, of course, the baby we want so badly….but it’s okay. It’s an investment in that baby. I want to do everything I can to set us up for success this cycle and since we have the money, we’re going for it.

Okay, so now we’ve got this package. Which means we also have an IUI in the hopper. Whoa. I’m not exactly sure why, but this idea really shook me up. I have absolutely nothing against IUI or IVF. It just feels, somehow, different. It’s like raising the bar another couple of notches when I’m not ready to give up on my hubby and I making this happen in our bedroom with a little help from Clomid. And I guess it reiterates that things are not perfect in baby-making land (no kidding), that the big guns are within striking distance. Am I being crazy?

I drove to work after the appointment and found myself tearing up after I parked in the garage. We all just march along…seeing doctors, getting blood drawn, scanning our bodies for every symptom, peeing on sticks, talking to nurses, Googling the heck out of everything…it’s not that I’ve been blindly taking these steps, but I had a really painful moment where the gravity and emotion of everything hubs and I have been through just…hit me.

I was on the verge of taking a deep breath and walking the few blocks to my the office, but instead I found myself dialing my Mom’s cell number. “I just need you to calm me down,” I said. “I’m having a mini meltdown about all of this stuff.” She listened to all the fears and pangs of sadness that’ve been quietly building inside me. I told her I felt like I was broken inside. That the blood tests and doctors visits make me feel like I’m not well, when I feel 100% healthy. I told her sometimes I feel scared to take all of this medicine and have flashes of anxiety wondering about things like side effects and multiples and cysts. That I’m wigged out that I have absolutely no clue what’s happening inside my body. I told her I feel terrible making my hubs go through all of this: the SA, the fees, everything else that may come down the road….I just let it all out.

She talked me through everything. She listened at the right times and said the right things at the right moments. My Mom is a good, good egg, you guys. Her thoughts? If it were her, she’d go ahead and do the IUI: Why not? If it’s paid for and it’ll improve my chances, just go for it. As we were saying goodbye she said, “You are not in a bubble dealing with all of this by yourself. You can always call me and talk whenever you want to.” I realized then that those were the EXACT words I needed to hear this morning. We have each other to share stories and offer support in bloggie-land, but sometimes you need a person—other than your hubs—who loves you and cares for you, to say the right thing, too. I felt about 100x better.

Fortunately, hubs and I have some time to consider everything, since I won’t be ovulating for about a week and a half. (Fingers crossed it works this time!) And honestly, with the Thanksgiving holiday, there’s a chance the best IUI date would hit when the office is closed (they shut down from Thursday–Sunday). We fly back to the Midwest on Monday afternoon after the holiday weekend, so we won’t even be here if they WERE open.

Back to the results of the appointment. My ultrasound looked all clear except that I had one 10mm follie hanging out on my right ovary. There’s a small chance it’s a cyst, according to the ultrasound tech, but Dr. C will examine the images and my blood work results from this morning and make the call. (I guess if it’s a cyst there’s a good chance they’ll neg the cycle. Not. Cool.) I reallllllly hope he deems my ovaries and lining ready to go because that Clomid Rx is sitting at the drugstore right now, waiting for me to take it home this weekend. I find out the results late this afternoon.

Sorry for the heavy post, guys! I assure you that most of the time I am a positive, happy person. Last night, I was in a great mood just thinking about the prospect of another cycle and the chance of getting preggo!!! If anything, I have MORE hope after this morning’s appointment. We’re doing everything in our power to set ourselves up for making a baby this month. That is EXCITING!! It feels good just to write this all out. Back at my desk and interacting with my coworkers and making plans for the weekend, I feel better. I am not in a bubble of infertility….I am living my life and part of that is getting through the tough parts.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “You are not in a bubble

  1. This sounds like my melt down last week!! I completely understand! I am here for you too!!!

  2. Totally hear you. Every word. It IS scary stuff. In a lot of ways I think I am still floating on through, not really allowing myself to think too hard about each step.

    As for the IUI, I’m with Mom. Obviously this is an intensely personal issue, and you have to decide what’s right for you and the hubs right now in your lives… but I feel like if you can do anything (and I mean ANYTHING) to increase your chances at this point. Do it. At least that’s how I would feel. I’ve made up my mind to inquire about IUI for our next cycle if this doesn’t work out. It’s not like you failed, it’s like you’re… going to tutoring after class or something. Ok, bad analogy.

    Hang in there! And you are NOT in a bubble.

  3. What a fantastic post. You just said all of the things we’re all feeling…

    I’m facing my first RE appointment soon and once every few weeks I break down and cry over the idea that my baby might be conceived at the doctors office instead of at home, loving my husband. Will I do it? Of course! Is it how I thought things would be? Absolutely not!

    Funny that the more negative posts are ones that I seem to connect with the most– we’re all struggling, having doubts, feeling broken. It’s comforting to know that none of us are alone.

    BTW, you should submit this post for the Creme de la Creme 2009! See link on my blog if you need it.

  4. Pingback: The countdown to cycle #2 begins! « Such A Good Egg

  5. Here from the crème de la crème list.

    It’s very fortunate you have such an excellent support system in place. Because this is hard if not impossible to bear on your own.

  6. I know this is really boring and you are skipping to the next comment, but I just wanted to throw you a big thanks – you cleared up some things for me!

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