Last night I had a severe case of the Rocky Mountain Fever that Courtney over at The Road Worth Traveling has mentioned here and there in her posts. (Btw, don’t you just love how that sounds? You’re not being emotional, you have a fever!) You guys, I was such a little Eyeore. I thought I was done with the emotional stuff yesterday morning, so wth?! After trying to maintain my composure through the rest of the work day, I walked out the office door and immediately felt burning hot tears streaming down my face. Man, I did NOT know I was SO fixated on cycle #2.
First, I felt sad that my body has yet another thing “wrong” with it. (I know, I know: Cysts are totally normal and everyone gets them, but they aren’t good when you’re TTC.) Once I got home, I finally mustered the courage to start Googling and learned that it’s normal to have follies that are 4mm-10mm on CD2. WHAT!? Then why am I sitting out?!
And that, my friends, took me from sad to mad. Seriously? I paid the RE’s office a huge chunk of moolah for bloodwork and ultrasound only to be told they’ll take that money thankyouverymuch, and I’ll be doing nothing for the next four weeks and then paying up again next month? If I need to sit out and it’s unhealthy to proceed, fair enough. But here’s the thing: Because my doctor (Dr. C) was out yesterday and the attending RE (Dr. K) in the office was calling the shots, my guess is she went uber-conservative with the decision on me, since I’m not her patient.
In my Googling, I found plenty of stories Clomid from ladies suffering from cysts a few cenimeters or more, and those are not good for Clomid cycles. But my little guy actually sounds quite HARMLESS! (I realize I have a biased opinion. 🙂 ) My hubs suggested that I call the RE’s office on Monday and ask the nurse to find out what MY doctor thinks….maybe he doesn’t mind that 10mm follicle and wants me to go ahead with this cycle. Ohhh, the tears started again once I considered all of that. I told hubs that it’s hard enough to process this news, but then to feel like the decision was haphazard and maybe not about my health but about an underling doc (man, now I’m just being rude) playing it safe while her boss is out? Well that just feels a little bit unfair. And it feels reallllly weird to be calling them and fishing for a green light, when the expert on call already gave me a stop sign. I went to bed tossing and turning, a little shaken up from a pretty emotional day.
I woke up this morning feeling well-rested. I had a great run outside on the lake path. Running tends to center me and today was no exception: The sun was shining, the air was crisp, and I had a date night with my best friend from high school and her hubby to look forward to. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was a random doctor who had decided my fate for this cycle based on a “borderline” thingie. Having surfed my RE’s homepage a fair amount over the months, I knew that Dr. C’s email was posted with his bio. Unlike Al’s new RE, mine didn’t give me his email and say it was cool to contact him.
But….suddenly, I was crafting an email with the details of my situation. Not begging to be put back into the game this cycle, but asking what HE thinks as MY doctor. I wasn’t planning on sending it, it was more of a venting exercise…just getting it all out in black and white. But the more I thought about it, the more and more I felt like sending it. Why not? Is it really that awful of me to get some clarification from my doc?
I sheepishly shuffled into my hubby’s study, where he was working. “Baaaabe?” I began. “Do you think it’s stalkerish and crazy to try to write Dr. C an email at his work address about this?” Hubs said, no, I’m allowed to try to reach my doctor…he’s not going to neg me as a patient or blacklist me or anything. It’s not like I’m calling him at home or using his personal email. But hubs warned me that a nurse may read Dr. C’s email, or that even if he does read his own email, he probably doesn’t respond to patients.
Hubs came back to my study with me (the baby-to-be’s room, it’s ridic we have two studies right now) and his jaw sorta dropped as soon as he saw my computer screen. “You are writing him a novel!” he laughed. “He’s never going to read something that long!” And because my hubs, even though he has a math-y brain, is a superstar writer (and also a great chef and home beer brewer and total cutie and…well, you get the idea), he hovered over me and told me where to delete, where to tighten, what was crucial info and what was not (I will leave it to your imagination, but suffice to say my first draft had a fair amount of, ahem, emotion). We chiseled my novella down to a concise email conveying the bare essentials.
Hi Dr. C,
My name is Such A Good Egg and I’m one of your patients. I had my baseline (CD2) ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday for cycle 2 of 100mg Clomid (cycle 1 was 50mg with 3.5 progesterone on CD21). There was a 10mm follicle on my left ovary and everything else looked good. Dr. K recommended I sit out this cycle. The nurse said this was “borderline” and I really wanted my doctor’s opinion. I would rather not sit out the cycle if it’s not necessary (I’m paying for monitoring out of pocket).
Thank you so much, Good Egg
Well friends, we pressed SEND and that was that.
Imagine my shock and awe when, 15 minutes later, Dr. C responded! In order to protect his privacy I’m not going to paste his email here, but here’s the gist: It sounds like you can take Clomid or wait a cycle, I want to look at your chart and Friday’s tests on Monday.
So, here we are again. Waiting. I know that if he says, “Nope, that really is a cyst and it’s best to warm the bench this month,” I will feel the hurt and frustration all over again. BUT, I will respect his decision and feel good about the fact that HE is the one who made it and that’s it the right decision for MY body and MY health…not the decision of a random doc who doesn’t know one iota about me, save whatever quick details the nurse used to brief her. I’m not expecting anything will be different, but my mood has changed drastically since I’ve done what I can with this. And if he thinks it’s totally fine to move forward and start taking Clomid on Monday? Well, then, you know I’ll be Over. The. Moon. But I’ll def have a healthy dose of the Hmmmms about this cycle, since I know my left ovary is not in perfect starting lineup shape.
Anyway, this fun little hiccup makes me think of all of the ladies out there getting unmonitored Clomid from their gynos and/or REs (after all, I was almost one of them this cycle!). When we get the unexplained BFNs, could it sometimes just be a silly little cyst crowding out the viable eggies and blowing up the cycle? These cysts are like tiny stealth bombers, showing up at the most inopportune time and doing damage when we least suspect it! I really, really want mine to chillax—go awaaaay, stay dormant, let the other good eggies get big and strong…whatever, just please stay cool little cystie.
So where am I now? A little bit in no-man’s land, I think. I picked up my prescriptions for Provera, Clomid and Ovidrel at the pharmacy. I almost threw some OPKs, HPTs and tampons into the basket to really cover my bases…but I think the humor of it would’ve been lost on the check-out lady. 🙂