Editing myself

I lived in the NYC for about five years after college. S, the girl who sat in the cube next to my hubs at his first job, turned out to be one of the coolest, most fun, smartest girls in that whole city. We hit it off immediately and hubs and I spent a lot of time with her and her equally awesome boyfriend. Even though she’s a year younger than I am, S has always been about two steps ahead of me. She and her boyfriend got engaged and then married a couple of years before hubs and me. Then, she and her hubs moved to the South. They were ready to start a new phase of life! Two years later, hubs and I finally did the same (except we moved to the Midwest). Then, they bought a home. (It took us a few more years and we’re in an apartment, but we do finally own a place!)

S and I have stayed in good touch and catch up as often as possible. One of the things S struggled with when she moved to into their new, beautiful home in a great neighborhood was that all of the neighbors already had kids or were pregnant. She felt too young for that and wasn’t READY! Oh how we career-girls bonded over wanting to wait a couple more years to get preggo.

That sentiment didn’t last long and I don’t blame her because suddenly I-want-a-baby feelings began potently (and secretly) brewing inside me, too. Almost exactly two years ago, at a mutual friend’s wedding, S suddenly blurted out to me that she and her hubs were three weeks preggo. (They, smart cookies that they were, had never been on BC pills.) As she put it, they randomly decided to roll the dice one night and ditch the condom and….WHAMMO BAMMO, pregnant. (I have my suspicions that it wasn’t totally an accident, but who knows.)

They have an adorable, brown-eyed little girl named A. I get photo albums of A via email every month and hear the amazing tales of her growing up so quickly. But I have a terrible, horrible thing to admit: S and I have not been in touch as much recently, and a big reason why is because over the months, as I’ve been actively trying (and not succeeding), I’ve found it difficult to interact with her. I know she doesn’t mean anything hurtful by it, but she will often say things like, “What’s taking you guys so long?” and “A needs a playmate!” and “It’s not rocket science, it’s a baby!” Stuff like that. The stuff someone who got pregnant the very first time she tried can say without realizing how it sounds to someone who is struggling.  I don’t like how I feel or what I think after these conversations and so I’ve slowly chosen not to have conversations at all.

This morning, S emailed me to ask about our New Year’s plans. Would we be in town? She and her hubs are thinking of coming to our fair city to visit her grandmother, and they would love to crash at our place afterward to catch up, etc. I am over the moon. It has been FAR too long since we all hung out. I love her and her hubs and I will finally get to meet cutie A.

It’s still up in the air and their plans aren’t a sure thing, but I’m quietly wondering if I’m setting myself up for some emotional blah-ness. I know that S was planning to start trying for #2 over the summer. If she comes here with a little belly and big news, I will be really, really happy for her. But I will be painfully, humiliatingly jealous, too. I hate this about myself! I hate that I am in this crappy, non-Good Egg place where the news that coworkers and dear friends and peripheral friends are pregnant actually makes my heart ache a little bit. Why can’t I get over myself (their pregnancies are NOT about me!!!)? I feel like a TERRIBLE PERSON. I almost asked her in our g-chat, “Do you have news you want to share?!” but I had the good sense to edit that thought. How ticked off would I be if someone did that to me!!! Very. And just because #1 was a cake walk for her doesn’t mean she couldn’t be struggling with #2. If this process has taught me anything, it’s sensitvity.

Of course, if all goes according to plan (no whammies, no cysties!), that’s right about when I should ovulate next month. So hopefully I’ll be way too psyched by a positive OPK to let anything bring me down. (Please Lord!) And who knows, maybe her baby vibes will give me some good karma on the TTC front?



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7 responses to “Editing myself

  1. “It’s not rocket science, it’s a baby!” OUCH.

    I always take comments like this personally, like I’m being accused of not doing enough… but really, people whose miracles are simply handed to them (with no effort) will never really understand the struggles the rest of us face.

    I hope that you have good news of your own to share soon!! 🙂

  2. WOW. I know exactly the type of comments friends AND family make and have NO IDEA how hurtful they are. As much as you want to kick their front teeth in, we grin and bear and jokingly say some vague comment back. You are a good egg!! Just think at the friendship we have made b/c of our bumpy road. (No pun intended!) I’m here for you too sista!

  3. Zuly

    I’m sorry that you feel like that =(. Today I was talking to my cousin who has a 4 year old son and she’s preggo with the second due now in December, and she asked me when we were going to start trying? I said well next year and I asked her how long did it take her and it took her only one time for both!!!! What??? Here I am on my second cycle trying to ovulate and she just gets preggo so fast! Its very hard for us girls that are going though this roller coaster, but God willing we will all be preggo very soon!

  4. Ugh, gross. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR FEELING LIKE THAT. Not only is it totally normal, but it’s totally unavoidable at some point. I think it’s ok to feel jealous of her/angry with her/frustrated with yourself all at the same time. I guess the important thing is to not let it ruin your friendship in the meantime, because presumably you’ll want her by your side when your time does come. And it will!

    All of us out here in blogland KNOW that feeling. For me, my nemesis is this gorgeous coworker who sits RIGHT behind me. She is about 15 weeks along and still goes running every morning, and barely looks pregnant. She’s all, “Oh, god, pregnancy is so easy, if I hadn’t tested, I wouldn’t even have known I was pregnant! How wonderful it is”. Blah blah blah.

    Just remember that she did NOT take the last baby from the baby store — her being pregnant doesn’t mean that you aren’t ever going to be. And maybe when you see her over New Years you will feel the urge to share your news with her? She clearly has no idea what it’s like to struggle with this.

  5. Oh, I love NYC! Do you miss living there? My husband lived there for 8 years before moving to Chicago and his mom and brother are still in Manhattan. We love to visit them!
    I totally understand how difficult it is to “deal” with pregnant/mom friends. It really does change the dynamic of the relationship no matter how hard you try to not let it get in the way. I haven’t experienced any of my really close friends having kids yet, but I know it will be hard once they do.
    Hopefully we will both be preggo before we know it!

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