I lived in the NYC for about five years after college. S, the girl who sat in the cube next to my hubs at his first job, turned out to be one of the coolest, most fun, smartest girls in that whole city. We hit it off immediately and hubs and I spent a lot of time with her and her equally awesome boyfriend. Even though she’s a year younger than I am, S has always been about two steps ahead of me. She and her boyfriend got engaged and then married a couple of years before hubs and me. Then, she and her hubs moved to the South. They were ready to start a new phase of life! Two years later, hubs and I finally did the same (except we moved to the Midwest). Then, they bought a home. (It took us a few more years and we’re in an apartment, but we do finally own a place!)
S and I have stayed in good touch and catch up as often as possible. One of the things S struggled with when she moved to into their new, beautiful home in a great neighborhood was that all of the neighbors already had kids or were pregnant. She felt too young for that and wasn’t READY! Oh how we career-girls bonded over wanting to wait a couple more years to get preggo.
That sentiment didn’t last long and I don’t blame her because suddenly I-want-a-baby feelings began potently (and secretly) brewing inside me, too. Almost exactly two years ago, at a mutual friend’s wedding, S suddenly blurted out to me that she and her hubs were three weeks preggo. (They, smart cookies that they were, had never been on BC pills.) As she put it, they randomly decided to roll the dice one night and ditch the condom and….WHAMMO BAMMO, pregnant. (I have my suspicions that it wasn’t totally an accident, but who knows.)
They have an adorable, brown-eyed little girl named A. I get photo albums of A via email every month and hear the amazing tales of her growing up so quickly. But I have a terrible, horrible thing to admit: S and I have not been in touch as much recently, and a big reason why is because over the months, as I’ve been actively trying (and not succeeding), I’ve found it difficult to interact with her. I know she doesn’t mean anything hurtful by it, but she will often say things like, “What’s taking you guys so long?” and “A needs a playmate!” and “It’s not rocket science, it’s a baby!” Stuff like that. The stuff someone who got pregnant the very first time she tried can say without realizing how it sounds to someone who is struggling. I don’t like how I feel or what I think after these conversations and so I’ve slowly chosen not to have conversations at all.
This morning, S emailed me to ask about our New Year’s plans. Would we be in town? She and her hubs are thinking of coming to our fair city to visit her grandmother, and they would love to crash at our place afterward to catch up, etc. I am over the moon. It has been FAR too long since we all hung out. I love her and her hubs and I will finally get to meet cutie A.
It’s still up in the air and their plans aren’t a sure thing, but I’m quietly wondering if I’m setting myself up for some emotional blah-ness. I know that S was planning to start trying for #2 over the summer. If she comes here with a little belly and big news, I will be really, really happy for her. But I will be painfully, humiliatingly jealous, too. I hate this about myself! I hate that I am in this crappy, non-Good Egg place where the news that coworkers and dear friends and peripheral friends are pregnant actually makes my heart ache a little bit. Why can’t I get over myself (their pregnancies are NOT about me!!!)? I feel like a TERRIBLE PERSON. I almost asked her in our g-chat, “Do you have news you want to share?!” but I had the good sense to edit that thought. How ticked off would I be if someone did that to me!!! Very. And just because #1 was a cake walk for her doesn’t mean she couldn’t be struggling with #2. If this process has taught me anything, it’s sensitvity.
Of course, if all goes according to plan (no whammies, no cysties!), that’s right about when I should ovulate next month. So hopefully I’ll be way too psyched by a positive OPK to let anything bring me down. (Please Lord!) And who knows, maybe her baby vibes will give me some good karma on the TTC front?