Back to life, back to reality

Hello friends! I’m back from a nice long weekend in the Northeast. I hope everyone had awesome Thanksgivings! We had a couple of wonderful nights with hubs’ family and then we took the bus up to NYC and had a couple of awesome (and rather debaucherous) nights with our college buddies. It was a nice distraction and I must say, five days have never flown by so quickly!

Despite having some much-needed distraction from TTC land, I couldn’t quite escape the baby-maker within me.

1. I took OPKs every day and while I registered very faint lines on Saturday and Sunday, I never got close to a positive. (Note: It is a little weird taking OPKs at your in-laws, at your hubs’ best friend’s bachelor pad apartment, and, yes, in an airport bathroom stall. The things we do to TTC!)

2. I also checked religiously for other signs of ovulation (discharge, CM, cervix position, etc). Nada. So, okay, no ovulation during this non-medicated cycle.

3. I started temping on Wednesday. I am still getting the hang of it and it’s a little stressful to remember to do it first thing every day, but it’s nice to have another way to track my body.

4. I had dinners with two of my oldest friends from college and sorta alluded to hubs and me having trouble. With one friend I left it at, “I haven’t been able to get my period on my own since going off the pill last summer.” With my other friend, I was a little more descriptive. She just went off the pill two weeks ago, and I am hoping she is blessed with a regular cycle right away. I find myself wanting to sing from the mountain tops, “Go off BC if you are even THINKING you want a baby in the next few years!” I want to save my friends from the struggle we are enduring, with getting my body sorted out. Anyway, it was cathartic to tell “real life” friends, though I find it interesting I still can’t spill the whole story to anyone but my Mom, hubs and you guys! 🙂

5. I ran in Central Park with my dear friend D. She has a three-month old baby who I pushed around the park in her swanky jogging stroller. I loved it. I want that to be me, for real, one day.

On the plane ride home this afternoon, high up in the air and quietly jetting through the sky en route to the Midwest, it felt like I was transitioning back to the reality of my TTC journey. No more distractions…I wasn’t cooking pies for six hours straight. I wasn’t playing hours of Guitar Hero with my hub’s sibs and ‘rents. I wasn’t eating dinners in ridiculously awesome restaurants, sipping vino and laughing with friends. I was, once again, left alone with my own thoughts.

I found myself re-calculating my Provera start date and wondering if it would be smarter to start tomorrow (yes, tomorrow, the earliest I’m supposed to) in the hopes of (please Lord, please Lord) ovulating before Christmas and ensuring I get the necessary tests before the office closes for four days for the holiday weekend. (In all honesty, I count potential cycle days like sheep every night.)

I felt the familiar heart-racing fear that my cyst won’t be gone when I go in for baseline testing. That I won’t ovulate on 100mg. That by the time the Provera and Clomid kick in it’ll be bad timing with the holidays. That my body (shudder the thought) can’t….do this. But all I can do is take it one day at a time. And focus on the positives. And here is a VERY big one: I feel like I’ve come home armed with even more love and support and strength than I had when I left town last week. My family and friends make me smile. They make me laugh. I treasure them. They fill me with hope.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Back to life, back to reality

  1. Glad you had a nice trip and got to reconnect with your family and friends. I hope that your cyst will be gone and that the clomid works for you.

  2. Oh buddy of mine! There is hope in the 100mg wonder drug. Your body will do great and I am here to fill you with hope as well!

  3. Al

    Glad you had a fantastic holiday weekend! Welcome back :-). And it’s awesome that you feel such support from your friends and family.

  4. I’m so glad that you had some distractions from TTC for a while — I had some distractions over Thanksgiving and it made the time fly by. Here’s to 100mg doing its job!

  5. What a nice diversion for a few days. Now it’s back to reality, but it sounds you’ve got your head screwed on right, and the support of all the right people. Keep sharing the news with people who can love you through it — it’s a tough road, as we all know. But, that road will end with a baby in your arms. I just know it. Take it one day at a time, and do everything you can… and one day that stick will be positive and you won’t be able to believe your eyes. And all the pain and frustration and stress of making that baby will melt away.

  6. I’m glad you had such a nice time visiting friends and family. It’s nice just to get away once in a while, isn’t it? That’s actually why I don’t tell a lot of people about our struggle because I want to be able to just forget about it when I’m around friends! But, I also understand that it’s important to have family/friends’ support through this. Tough call, huh? Sounds like you shared just enough to get it off your chest to your friends without divulging everything.
    B and I will be in NYC next weekend – I can’t wait!

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