Return to start; repeat

Sometimes I wonder what I thought about before TTC. It’s really crazy. It’s kind of scary how many seconds, minutes, hours (eek, days?!) I’ve consumed with this stuff. I remember going off BC and sort of obsessively figuring out when I would ovulate that month (ha!), and then afterwards, Googling the heck out of things like “implantation cramping” and “early pregnancy discharge” and what have you.

I was convinced, when my period never showed up, that I was gloriously preggers! I remember going out to dinner with friends, about a week after I should’ve ovulated, and pretending to drink a beer…the whole time my heart was aflutter with the hope that I was pregnant, and I was only half-paying attention at dinner because I was thinking about how we’d take an HPT the next morning. We all know how that story ends. (Or rather, how it begins.)  I wasn’t pregnant. But that didn’t stop me from thinking I could be. Return to start; repeat.

Once the reality of my situation set in, I had a whole new set of things to Google. Why don’t some women get their periods back after BC? What can you do about it? Should I be worried? (The answers: Sometimes never! Not much but wait for a while. And, maybe, but it won’t change anything.) Return to start; repeat.

The journey was just beginning. It has ups and downs, but the one thing that never really changes is how sloooowly everything seems to go. I wait for my period. I wait for a doctor’s office appointment. I wait for bloodwork results. I wait for an Rx. Return to start; repeat.

Along the way, I Google like crazy. I read message boards (I do not recommend them!). I Google more. Return to start; repeat.

Finally, I find you guys. A whole underground world of IF bloggies who seem to be going through the EXACT SAME THING THAT I AM. It is a relief, a comfort, a blessing and an inspiration all wrapped into one. 🙂 Suddenly I don’t feel crazy or totally busted inside or lonesomely scared. But, I have so many new things to Google. Clomid! Trigger shots! HSG! There is so much new info to soak up. So many new perspectives to consider. Return to start; repeat.

At night, I count cycle days. In the morning before leaving for work, I catch up on blogs and commenting. All day, I scan my body for symptoms. I Google. Return to start; repeat.

Sometimes I have horrible moments where I allow darkness into my mind and heart and I contemplate the scary thought that none of this will WORK, that I can’t have kids. It makes my heart race and I feel tears on my face. Sometimes I am filled with an overwhelming sense of joy and optimism and that I CAN DO THIS attitude that I proudly bring to everything else in my life. Return to start; repeat.

I try to find the grand, cosmic meaning in all of this. Am I finally, at age 30, being taught patience? (Impatience has been my thorniest quality since I was a kid.) Has my life been too good up until now, and I am being taught disappointment? (I don’t think so: I have a really awesome and amazing life, but there have been some bad times, too.) The “everything happens for a reason” and “it will happen when it’s supposed to” and “worrying about it won’t help anything” adages are seared into my head, like I’m guessing they are for every TTCer, but they don’t make me think about this stuff less often. If I could just believe—in Clomid, in my body, in acupuncture, in yoga—I would!!! Return to start; repeat.

Seriously, what did I think about before TTC?

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4 responses to “Return to start; repeat

  1. It is a viscious cycle for sure!
    I would and still think what am I supposed to be learning? I brought my body fat to a normal level. Ok that must be it. No. I must be being taught patience and acceptance. Nope, got that. What else am I supposed to be learning?? To be honest, I HAVE NO IDEA. I don’t know if I learned anything or “if it was the right time.”
    I do know that your time is coming and I can not wait!!!

  2. hollytraveling

    I wanted to let you know that my cyst has shrunk considerably. I think that’s good news for you because you said yours was tiny right? Mine was described as “giant.” The RE says two weeks and she’s sure it will be history. So I think your chances of it being gone are pretty good.

  3. Awesome, awesome post. I agree completely. Every word. What DID I think about before TTC? It can’t have been very important, because I’m not thinking about it anymore…

  4. This is a great post. You’ve captured the thoughts I’ve had SO many times. And I know EXACTLY what you mean about that first month of trying. I was convinced I was pregnant – and took a pregnancy test every day for a week. Blissful ignorance.
    Hopefully soon we will experience return to start, BFP!!

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