One foot in front of the other

Yesterday really sucked. I held it together all day at work (I had to) and during my dinner with my friend (also had to), but when I got home (late and exhausted) I was a mess. I felt so freaking FRUSTRATED! And disappointed. I know, totally NOT Good Egg behavior. Sorry.

I feel really bad for hubs. He doesn’t know what to do with me. He couldn’t say anything to make it better. I was being a total Eyeore. My major problem is that I turn mole hills into mountains. I let a cyst blow everything out of proportion. It’s just a freaking cyst.  I merely have to take more time off. Whatever. Normal people would probably be annoyed by the situation and drop it at that. But I could not shake these fatalistic thoughts that the cyst was, like, a sign from some cosmic something telling me that this is all such a joke. What am I even THINKING that I could be one of the lucky ones to get pregnant. Other bloggies get pregnant. Not me.

A corner of my heart would try to be positive and think about how maybe in March my stars will align….I would try to be optimistic and let myself wonder what it would be like to feel a pregnancy symptom, or hear from a nurse that a Beta test is positive…but then I would just feel nauseous and super sad…because, in all honesty, I can’t even fathom it. I was overcome by this debilitating fear that I seriously cannot get preggo. Like, ever. Most of the time those dark thougths are buried far away somewhere inside of me, but with this bit of bad news yesterday, it all came flooding out. Ugh.

Like I said, it was horribly un-Eggie behavior and I hate that I let myself get carried away. I don’t know why, but that stupid cystie really shook up my world. The good news is that I feel a lot better today. I am still really annoyed and really scared, but I am putting one foot in front of the other and walking forward, instead of crumpling into a ball of despair (literally, like I was in bed last night, so dramatic!). I don’t like admitting how down I was. I am usually a very happy and upbeat person and it sort of hurts my heart that this post shows me at my weakest. I’m sorry bloggies, I promise to be back to my Good Egg self ASAP. 🙂

So, here’s the deal with how we’re handling this situation. The nurse called yesterday and said that even though my bloodwork looks “perfect,” obviously we could not moving forward because of the big ‘ol cyst. She said, “if I want to” I can take BC. I found it hard to believe that a 27x27x22 cyst would magically dissipate after 21 days of active BC pills, considering it didn’t go down AT ALL in the past 30 days. And I also wondered if the fact that the cyst is growing depsite my estrogen being normal was cause for concern. The nurse could shed no light on the subject or say anything besides, “we’ll wait and see.” So I emailed Dr. C (who wasn’t on call yesterday). 🙂 His response:

I cant answer exactly why it grew, but its not unusual.  Since the Estrogen dropped I think it will likely get smaller, or at least not grow further, since it is not functional (making estrogen).  Birth control pills wont make it get smaller, but prevent it from getting larger or from another one forming in the mean time so I think it’s a good idea.  I think that if its still there next month, despite a month of birth control pills we should consider draining it to speed things along and we can send the fluid for evaluation as well.

I’m happy he’s open to aspirating it in a month if it hasn’t gone down. I don’t want to go through this again (and again). I can only take so much of the waiting. You know? So, phew. He is also AWESOME for emailing me be back. Thank you, Dr. C. I heart you. 🙂

I am traveling from March 7–9 for work. So I need to make sure my CD3 and CD10 monitoring don’t fall in that window. I’m not sure how the aspirating works (I’m assuming this cyst isn’t going anywhere, especially since BC won’t actively shrink it), but I’m guessing they would do it on CD4 or 5ish? Has anyone had a cyst aspirated? We have trips coming up in April, so I can’t put off starting the next cycle TOO long. Yep, another puzzle. Well, I guess I have a month to figure out how to put the pieces together. 🙂

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14 Comments

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14 responses to “One foot in front of the other

  1. I had that same fear the other day – that maybe we just CAN’T get pregnant and it’s something I’m going to find out. I feel the same way sometimes, the idea of just being pregnant seems so foreign to me that I wonder if it’s because I’ll never know. Dark thoughts…dark thoughts. I hate even letting myself go there.

    I hope they cyst either shrinks enough where they signal an all systems go or they decide to get rid of it finally. I hope the stars align for you!

  2. My sweet friend. My heart hurts for you! Reading your posts brought tears to my eyes! I don’t know what else to say, but I love you and you are an amazing woman!!

  3. Ditto @ Courtney. And I understand that “foreign” feeling Fingers Crossed. Egg, don’t feel bad for feeling frustration! This is why we have an awesome support system of friends who feel similar feelings months after months here in the blogging world. I love your Dr. by the way. How great to be able to email him at any time. 🙂

  4. JC

    I’m sorry you had such a bad day yesterday but don’t feel bad, we’ve all been there at the bottom of the pit feeling really low. I’m glad you’re feeling much better today. And your Dr is awesome for emailing you! I don’t have any advise on the cysts so I’m sorry. But I’ll be thinking about you!!!

  5. *hugs* I am so sorry your having such a hard time with your cyst. I make things bigger than they should be as well. I also did the same thing to my hubby today after my cycle was cancelled. We all just need to let the emotions out and wallow for a bit. After we are done then we can start making plans for the next cycle and each day makes it better. I hope your cyst hurries up and goes away.

  6. I’m so sorry, Egg. I have never had a cyst (that I know of), so I can’t offer much advice. However, I so know that dark place you wrote about. What if I can’t get pregnant, ever? It’s such a bad, bad, bad place and I hope you have more positive thoughts in the days to come. Hang in there…you have so many GOOD things (proven ovulation, perfect b/w, lots of follies) and an AWESOME, super responsive Dr. that I just know will get you preggo soon. Keep the faith, Egg!! And, it’s FRIDAY!!

  7. hollytraveling

    You are not alone. Not by a long shot. We all get carried away and we all have the moments of “It’s just not going to happen for me.” I also had that thought this week. But there’s no reason in the world to think you can’t get pregnant, so don’t. When I had my cyst I went on BC. My doctor told me it does help to shrink it. Mine was a giant and it took more than a month to get rid of it, so I would definitely try BC.

    I know it’s tough but hang in there. You’ll get there, I know it.

  8. I know exactly how you feel. About 80 percent of the time I’m pretty sure that I just can’t get pregnant (I know, that’s a REALLY high percentage but it’s true!). So, I think you’re doing better than me!!

    I think this is the thing that makes IF so difficult. If I was told that it would take 3 clomid IUIs, 3 injectable IUIs, and 3 IVFs for me to get pregnant, but that I would definitely get pregnant with the 3rd IVF, I think it’d be a breeze. It’s just that uncertainty that drives us to the brink. Not knowing if we’ll come out of all this with a baby, and not knowing how many cycles it will take.

    It’s a long hard road.

    In regards to your cyst, though, I had two 27mm cysts last cycle and was put on BCPs for 10 days. When I went back after 10 days they were gone. So, hopefully you’ll have the same results as I did!

  9. Tio

    You might think that you were being un-Eggie but I can promise you that you weren’t being un-IFie; seriously, we have all had days like that… and sometimes without even having a good reason like you did. Don’t be too hard on yourself! Today I yelled at the television because it was playing an ad with a happy family with adorbale children.
    I glad you’re feeling better today, and I’m glad you’re starting to develop a plan to move forward.

  10. I’m also glad you’re feeling more positive. But you have no obligation to anyone to be upbeat all the time! If you’re typically happy, RIGHT ON. But that probably means if you’re not, it’s ’cause you’re seriously hurting. I too have moments where my husband can do nothing to make me feel better… I also think believing you’re moving forward and then having that expectation CRUSHED = totally devastating. No wonder you were distressed! And finally, I think I’m not alone when I say people who read your blog want to know how you’re really feeling, even when you’re feeling sad. Since we all go through some of the same things, it helps us feel less alone.

  11. Secret Sloper

    Of course you’re scared. Of course you’re going to have rough and dirty days. I freak out sometimes that I’ll never get pregnant again, I don’t have your history. You are not an Eeyore, you’re just a woman who recognizes the tough road ahead of her.

    But I really believe you will be pregnant one day, even if you sometimes can’t.

  12. Hugs. I’m sorry things are so rough right now! I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better!

  13. It’s so true, some days it just hits you so much harder than others. Luckily we all have each other, because we’ve SO all been there and completely understand. I hate that you had to write it at all, but do not feel bad for doing so! All we can do is take IF day by day, cause it seems like nothing is ever what you expect, or goes how you plan. How can anyone blame us for having an IF induced tantrum every once in awhile?!? I’m really really hoping the bc does the trick, and believe you have so many positives going for you. You just haven’t had very many chances to try!!!

  14. One foot in front of the other is all you can do right now — so even despite feeling crappy (which is totally, totally valid, mind you), you’re doing all that you can do.

    Yay for Dr. C and his action-oriented plan to aspirate if necessary and move along.

    I’m so sorry. It must feel like such a huge setback. Hang in!

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