Yesterday really sucked. I held it together all day at work (I had to) and during my dinner with my friend (also had to), but when I got home (late and exhausted) I was a mess. I felt so freaking FRUSTRATED! And disappointed. I know, totally NOT Good Egg behavior. Sorry.
I feel really bad for hubs. He doesn’t know what to do with me. He couldn’t say anything to make it better. I was being a total Eyeore. My major problem is that I turn mole hills into mountains. I let a cyst blow everything out of proportion. It’s just a freaking cyst. I merely have to take more time off. Whatever. Normal people would probably be annoyed by the situation and drop it at that. But I could not shake these fatalistic thoughts that the cyst was, like, a sign from some cosmic something telling me that this is all such a joke. What am I even THINKING that I could be one of the lucky ones to get pregnant. Other bloggies get pregnant. Not me.
A corner of my heart would try to be positive and think about how maybe in March my stars will align….I would try to be optimistic and let myself wonder what it would be like to feel a pregnancy symptom, or hear from a nurse that a Beta test is positive…but then I would just feel nauseous and super sad…because, in all honesty, I can’t even fathom it. I was overcome by this debilitating fear that I seriously cannot get preggo. Like, ever. Most of the time those dark thougths are buried far away somewhere inside of me, but with this bit of bad news yesterday, it all came flooding out. Ugh.
Like I said, it was horribly un-Eggie behavior and I hate that I let myself get carried away. I don’t know why, but that stupid cystie really shook up my world. The good news is that I feel a lot better today. I am still really annoyed and really scared, but I am putting one foot in front of the other and walking forward, instead of crumpling into a ball of despair (literally, like I was in bed last night, so dramatic!). I don’t like admitting how down I was. I am usually a very happy and upbeat person and it sort of hurts my heart that this post shows me at my weakest. I’m sorry bloggies, I promise to be back to my Good Egg self ASAP. 🙂
So, here’s the deal with how we’re handling this situation. The nurse called yesterday and said that even though my bloodwork looks “perfect,” obviously we could not moving forward because of the big ‘ol cyst. She said, “if I want to” I can take BC. I found it hard to believe that a 27x27x22 cyst would magically dissipate after 21 days of active BC pills, considering it didn’t go down AT ALL in the past 30 days. And I also wondered if the fact that the cyst is growing depsite my estrogen being normal was cause for concern. The nurse could shed no light on the subject or say anything besides, “we’ll wait and see.” So I emailed Dr. C (who wasn’t on call yesterday). 🙂 His response:
I cant answer exactly why it grew, but its not unusual. Since the Estrogen dropped I think it will likely get smaller, or at least not grow further, since it is not functional (making estrogen). Birth control pills wont make it get smaller, but prevent it from getting larger or from another one forming in the mean time so I think it’s a good idea. I think that if its still there next month, despite a month of birth control pills we should consider draining it to speed things along and we can send the fluid for evaluation as well.
I’m happy he’s open to aspirating it in a month if it hasn’t gone down. I don’t want to go through this again (and again). I can only take so much of the waiting. You know? So, phew. He is also AWESOME for emailing me be back. Thank you, Dr. C. I heart you. 🙂
I am traveling from March 7–9 for work. So I need to make sure my CD3 and CD10 monitoring don’t fall in that window. I’m not sure how the aspirating works (I’m assuming this cyst isn’t going anywhere, especially since BC won’t actively shrink it), but I’m guessing they would do it on CD4 or 5ish? Has anyone had a cyst aspirated? We have trips coming up in April, so I can’t put off starting the next cycle TOO long. Yep, another puzzle. Well, I guess I have a month to figure out how to put the pieces together. 🙂