By the numbers

31 How old I’ll be on April 7. And how old hubs is.

27 The size of my cyst last Thursday (in millimeters).

16 The number of BCPs I have left to take until I can try again. (Hopefully. I realize nothing is a given.)

15 The number of miles I’m running per week these days.

12 The number of days my LP lasts.

7 My lucky number.

6 The number of out-of-town weddings we’ll travel to from April to July. There’s also my March work trip and hubs has a bach party coming up. So 8 trips, really.

5 The number of months I’ve been seeing Dr. C.

4 How many times I’ve taken Provera.

3.4 The thickest my lining has been in a medicated cycle.

2 The number of times I’ve taken Clomid.

1 The number of times I’ve ovulated.

0 the number of times I’ve had an actual shot at getting pregnant.

Hello bloggies! Guess what?! I am going stir crazy over here with this extra month off. I have moments where I feel calm and okay with this slow and crooked path I’m on. Then the wind changes and I feel super-scared about my cyst (which I can definitely still feel, it’s a little owww-ish) and painfully frustrated to be doing NOTHING. Basically just…blah. Last month I had the HSG and the consult to help me feel like I was taking control of this situation even while I waited to cycle again. This month, I’ve got nothin’. Our crazy travel sked doesn’t begin until March (too bad it didn’t coincide with this break!) so I’ve got a month of grey, cold February-ness to hunker down and get through.

On the upside, we had a really nice weekend. Last night hubs and I made a TON of delicious Superbowl food just for the two of us. I was not feeling like socializing at an SB partay, so we stayed in and went crazy cooking. (Prosciutto-wrapped dates stuffed with Manchego cheese and fresh mint leaves, spinach and artichoke dip, baked buffalo wings with homemade blue cheese dip, peanut butter bacon bread. Mmmm. Lefties galore!) We got some errands done. We went out to dinner on Friday. I got my hair cut! We saw Crazy Heart. It was a good weekend. 🙂 I just hate that there’s a constant whirring in the back of my head….literally contemplating the numbers above….counting down to when I can start cycling again….and wondering what’s up with my cyst. Ugh. Make it stop! Just let me live my life!



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21 responses to “By the numbers

  1. That’s easier said than done isn’t it? Maybe being so busy with traveling will be good to help get your minds off things and back on life, your DH and enjoying friends & family. Who knows – I know I don’t. But I understand the frustration and the “come on already – get KU” feeling. haha.

    You can come over any day and just “whip up” some food in our kitchen – it sounds like you guys had a nice feast! YUM!

  2. No wonder you’re running 15 miles a week, with all that extra food in the house. Lol!

  3. Jin

    Seriously, you need to post those recipes. they sound delish!

  4. LTB

    oh the numbers….I’m a math teacher…so numbers are supposed to be my “thing” but these types of numbers that just race through your head over and over again…I hate these numbers! Don’t worry egg, you’re not the only one crunching numbers all the time! Sounds like a great weekend, I’m sorry you couldn’t shut off the “background noise” for just a few days! Don’t you just wish sometimes we could just wake up and forget that we were ever TTC’ing in the first place…just for one day!
    oh…and what the heck is peanut butter bacon bread??? sounds intersting!

  5. lifebytheday

    Ugh, I hate that mind-racing feeling…wishing you luck finding a distraction!

  6. Secret Sloper

    I hate those numbers. I hate the way they rule our lives.

    But I love the description of your superbowl food. Sounds yummy.

  7. Nothing I could do would make the background noise go away, so I’ve just learned to live with it. Like tinnitus or something! Which I guess makes people who have it pretty crazy. Um. I’m hoping if you can just get through this next few months you’ll start having a major uptick in that last number.

  8. I do know about that constant whisper in the background…despite lots of distraction, it never really goes away. Your weekend sounds fab, though, and I just know the BCP will do the trick and get you back on track next month.
    My b-day is in April, too (23rd) so we’ll have to celebrate! 🙂

  9. JC

    I’m sorry you’re going stir-crazy! I hope it goes by fast fast fast and you can start again!!! Your super bowl food sounds delish! Maybe you can do something fun w/ your hubby on your break, like take a mini-trip or plan a fabulous vday weekend? Idk just trying to think of things to make time pass more quickly. =)

  10. So glad you had a nice weekend with yummy food. We stayed in too. I so need to get my hair cut. You should post a picture of yours. A lot of your numbers are similar to mine.

  11. Yeah, I have similar numbers running through my head all the time too. Sigh.

  12. I hate that feeling like you are doing nothing. It’s makes everything so hard. But, you ARE doing something. You are letting your body heal, and that’s huge.

  13. If you need something to occupy your time, you could open a catering business. Seriously, those dates sound amazing! I want February to be over soon too. Too dark, too cold.

  14. Ugh, I hate thinking about the numbers, but I know they must be impossible NOT to think about right now. And you aren’t doing nothing. Every day when you take your BCPs, you are helping that cyst grow smaller and smaller to preparation for your next cycle. That’s definitely something!

  15. Yum-ola on the food! Now that is a distraction!!

  16. I completely understand. I’ve just had a 4 month break and will likely have to take off again next month.

    The food sounds wonderful. I just shoved a pizza in the oven and called it a night for the SB game.

  17. Al

    I know it seems like you’re just spinning your wheels, but every day you get one day closer to meeting you future child. I know you don’t (and I don’t) know when that day is coming, but it’s COMING!!! It will!! As hard as it is, try to enjoy the time with your hubs and the little things along the way (like fantastic food, a new haircut, and meeting blogger friends in person 🙂 ) All good things. Remember you’re doing everything in your power to get this to work and that’s all you can do. You’re doing awesome, hang in there!

  18. K

    Hi I’m new to your blog. What is with this cyst? Why can’t they just use a laproscope to remove it? I had a cyst on my right ovary in 2005 and they ended taking my entire ovary out because it was so huge. I have been pregnant 3 times since Jan. ’09. Miscarried twice and now over 15 weeks with this 3rd one. I guess I was just curious as to why they are trying to shrink it as opposed to getting rid of it all together??

  19. Zuly

    16 days are going to go by super fast you will see. Just keep yourself busy. You are almost there!!

  20. “Prosciutto-wrapped dates stuffed with Manchego cheese and fresh mint leaves” WHAT!?!? These sound beyond delicious! What a great way to spend SB Sunday.

    I know how you feel being on a forced “break.” But I think those BCPs are going to work wonders for you and you’re going to be ready to go in 16 days! Good luck!

  21. I totally hear you…can I please have my old non-IF life back?!? Sometimes I wonder what I’d really do with myself if I didn’t have to spend all my time obsessing about all things IF. And I have a very good feeling about the bc working wonders on that cyst, I’m sending you daily cyst shrinking vibes!!! 😉

    And YUM, such a fun little menu. Love buffalo anything!! We totally did superbowl just the two of us and splurged on lobster tails and filets at costco. So good!!!

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