Not very elegant & graceful (but trying)

I have not written much lately! After I had my impatient/totally discouraged–breakdown a week ago Thursday (that seems like a million years ago, but it’s only been 11 days, crazy), I talked to my Mom about our treatment status. (I hadn’t discussed IF stuff with her for a few weeks.) She was mostly helpful and understanding. She could hear my extreme frustration with this cyst situation and calmly advised me to be “elegant and graceful” in the face of this setback. Which is kinda creepy 1950s-ish speak, but she also has a point. I haven’t had very much “nice” to say about my situation lately, so I’ve opted to chill out on the blogging just a bit.

Two months has given me waaaaaaaay too much time to reflect on how our next cycle will go. Given my history, I’m pretty much assuming I will always get a cyst and have to take a couple of months off after each medicated cycle…which gives me about four chances a year to get pregnant! That puts a lot of pressure on this upcoming cycle. Because if it doesn’t work, it may be summer before I’m trying again. (Did you see how I just went from hypothetical to doomsday?! I can’t stop doing that lately!)

I’ve also been hyper-, hyper-aware of how my left ovary feels. I must admit, I still feel that dull ache that I’ve noticed since I started the Provera last month. I’d like to believe that it’s all in my head, but I have a feeling that darn cyst just isn’t going down. But, I keep reminding myself, Dr. C said in his email that we’d consider draining it if it’s still there when I finish up the BC. I’m just gonna have to be firm and aggressive and demand that he follows through on that! I’ve been seeing the RE since October, it’s time for me to cycle again!!

Anyway, aside from my halfway-successful attempts at being “elegant and graceful” during this second break month, I have had some fun times, too! I met up with A, Al, Basic Girl and and Erin on Friday night for an awesome bloggies dinner. These women are smart, fun, funny, kind and beautiful. In short: awesome. I know if we’d randomly met in real life, I would be friends with each and every one of them—and that is pretty darn cool. We had lots of good laughs and great conversation at dinner, it was so good for my soul. I think we finally had to call it a night at 10:30pm….but we easily could’ve chatted for another few hours!

I also had a lovely Valentine’s Day with hubs! We spent yesterday running errands around town and getting the house in order, then cooked up some Sheperd’s Pie for din. (Mmm.) It was mellow and perfect.

And that, my friends, is about all that’s up with me. Two more weeks to make it through before we figure out how to deal with this cyst. I. Can. Do. This. Right?



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18 responses to “Not very elegant & graceful (but trying)

  1. Tarah

    Right! You can! I understand your frustration though, I think the thought of only have four chances a year to get knocked up would send any of us into a tantrum. It’s just not fair and I know there isn’t a whole lot you can do about it but it still doesn’t make it “feel” any better. I hope your next cycle takes and you don’t have to worry about sitting out and waiting for the next one! FingersxCrossed!

  2. So glad that you checked in to let us know how you’re feeling… For what it’s worth, I think you ARE being graceful and elegant– being disappointed certainly doesn’t negate those qualities!!

  3. Al

    You’re right, you CAN do this! And for what it’s worth, I think you have been “elegant and graceful” given all the set-backs you’ve been dealt.

    It was SO great meeting you on Friday night, can’t wait til we all meet up again!!

  4. You absolutely CAN do this! We will all be here cheering you on.

    It was awesome to meet you on Friday…I’m so excited to hang out again!

  5. It does sound oddly 1950’s-ish, but I think your mom is right. Grace has been one word that has stuck with me throughout this 3 1/2 year struggle. It has been so hard, but I think grace is being able to remember the good things in life, being thankful for your blessings, taking pride in work/family/projects/etc., finding a way to get through without hating the world, which-let’s be honest-is much easier said than done some days.

    Being a new reader, it seems to me that you do these things very well. I’m wishing you the best of luck this coming cycle!!

  6. Secret Sloper

    You seem pretty graceful to me, all around. I know what you mean about handling these setbacks with elegance–the thing is, I bet the people in your “everyday” life (colleagues, friends, family) would say that you are and do. It’s just us in the bloggy world who understand all the hard work and hurt that lies underneath the grace.

    So jealous of your Chicago meet up. That sounds like a lot of fun.

  7. You certainly can do it. You ARE doing it! And I’m sure people tell you this so often you are sick to death of hearing it, but your ability to remain optimistic and sunny (compared to people like me, anyway!) is always impressive and inspiring.

  8. You can totally do it! A new month and a new cycle.

  9. JC

    You can do it!!! I know every one of us would be frustrated so don’t feel bad for being frustrated at times. You’re doing great! And I can’t wait for you to start back up again!!

  10. You can do this. I know you can. I know how you feel about having to wait to cycle. Going on birth control after many cycles sucks. I really hope you can cycle with this upcoming one. That is so awesome you got to meet fellow if bloggers. I wish more people lived near me so that I could do something similar. Also, thanks a lot for your comment, it meant a lot to me.

  11. hollytraveling

    Of course you can. And you are. It’s OK to have those doomsday moments. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. Just think how pleasantly and wonderfully surprised you’ll be when you find out that sucker has shrunk to the size of a pea.

  12. Leslie

    I hope the next 2 weeks go by fast and that you are able to move forward with another cycle! Lots of go-away cyst vibes to you!

    Thank you for all of your support on my blog. I appreciate it very much!

    I am very jealous of your meet-up too. It sounds like you had a lot of fun!

  13. Yep, I am absolutely positive that you can do this! I know how frustrated you must be, but hang in there these two weeks and I know Dr. C will have concocted the perfect plan to get you preggo in March.
    I’m anxious to see if my RE has any insight into my cystie…we’re not cycling this month due to travel, but I’m curious to see how he would have approached the cyst if I was.
    And, it was SO SO awesome to meet you on Friday. It’s so great that we live close to each other…it so nice to be around people that understand all this crap we’re going through. Plus, it was just an all around fun evening…love you girls!!

  14. Well, your mom might be right, technically speaking, but who can really be elegant and graceful all the time? So, we can all aspire to it, and then not beat ourselves up too badly when we don’t quite always get there!

    I’m so sorry about that stupid cyst!! I’m still counting on those BCPs to obliterate it into nothingness, though. Don’t give up! Yes you can!

  15. YOU CAN DO THIS. And you are graceful and elegant — anyone would crack under the pressure that you’ve got. Don’t worry, we’re all here and we totally get it.

    Bitch it out if you need to, sister! And we’ll still call you graceful and elegant.

  16. You CAN do this. We’re all behind you cheering for you.

    And that’s awesome that you were able to meet up with some other great bloggers!

  17. I seriously think you are the most elegant and graceful rockstar bencher I know. 😉 I personally would be throwing huge pity parties on my blog daily, and everyone would probably stop reading. You are almost there and you can do this, if anyone can I know it’s you!!!

    And it was so amazing to meet you girls, I seriously had such a blast and have never been happier about starting my blog!!

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