Not in the mood

Warning: If you’re not in the mood (get it?!) for a blah post, click away.

I haven’t been in the mood for much lately. Not in the mood to socialize with my friends. Not in the mood to bring my A-game to work. Not in the mood to eat right. Not in the mood to run hard. Not in the mood to make conversation with a stranger on the elevator. Not in the mood to call my little sister back. Not in the mood to say “Great, and you?” when a coworker asks me how I’m doing. Not in the mood. Not myself.

Such a freaking Eyeore, I am!

I feel like I’m counting down my life. But not in an excited, I-can’t-wait-for-my-vacation kind of way. It’s like I’m always half-present because I’m so distracted by IF. It’s always in the background. Even when I’m talking to you, I’m not all there. I’m cloudy. It’s been a bad couple of months for me. I look back on this journey—not just this portion on the sidelines but ALL of it—and it all just feels like a blur. This is my life! How sad is it that it’s become a blur? And it’s really scary because I know I could just be getting started. I know this sounds horribly dramatic and that being a Clomid-er with a cyst is barely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to IF. But I can’t help it, it’s how I feel.

I just cannot—no matter what I try!—turn off my mind and just LIVE and treasure my wonderful life. I love where we live, I love my job, my hubs is my best friend, I am blessed in SO MANY WAYS. But I’m totally self-absorbed and fixated on the one way I’m not blessed. I wish I could make it stop. I want so so so badly to feel the relief that this is all over. But when I try to imagine what that might feel like, my heart starts racing and I feel numb. Does that mean I won’t ever feel it?

I keep waiting to discover what I’m being taught by this experience. My Mom says it will become clear to me later. So I’m counting down…seven more BCPs to go. To what? I don’t even know. The scary thing is that I’m writing this post on a relatively good day. (eek!) You should see me on a bad day lately…..not for public consumption! 🙂

I think I just need some hope. It’s been so long since I had any.

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23 Comments

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23 responses to “Not in the mood

  1. No more Eeyore sweet friend! You are too amazing of a woman to let Eeyore take over your moods! I tried to see what I was being taught by IF. I was taught a few things. I hope it becomes clear to you as you are being “elegant and graceful” (according to your mama!)

  2. Kelley

    I used to feel the way you do now. I would drive home from work with tears in my eyes b/c I felt hopeless. I, like you, had it pretty good in all other aspects of my life (job, family, hubs, etc…). That didn’t matter much though because what I wanted most wasn’t there. No baby and overwhelming fears that I would never have one. Now…I am almost 17 weeks pregnant. I hope it doesn’t hurt you to hear that. I used to feel half sick every time someone else told me they were pregnant. Half sick and jealous. I hated it. My point is…I have the hope for you that you are having trouble finding for yourself. I do believe that you will have a baby. And when you do…all the hard times that you are going through now will make a little bit more sense. I promise. Hang in there 🙂

  3. I feel this way too. I feel like I am not who I used to be and I am too tired and worn out to try to be. I keep telling myself that I will get back to that person, just not right now. Hang in there.

  4. IF took over every conscious free thought I had. I understand that cloud so well. Two weeks ago my gloomy cloud turned to anger. I was ANGRY. Just plain ANGRY. The worse I fought it the worse it would become. So I admitted I was angry, embraced it, it subsided a little. I think it is perfectly normal, and unhealthy not to accept the way you feel. Sure society doesn’t want us to be gloomy, but when you are, you are. I am thinking of you Egg and wish you some peace and hope.

  5. I went through some serious ruts myself, enough that my husband gently brought up counseling (more than once) which of course made me feel even worse. You will feel better. Give yourself some time. February’s a miserable month anyway, but I predict that by March you’ll feel the extra daylight hours and promise of spring. I’m thinking of you!

  6. Leslie

    I am sorry that you are feeling this way! You are definitely not alone — I have been there many times! I hope that once you are done with the BCPs, that you will be able to get started with a new cycle & you will feel that hope again very soon!!

  7. Ugh. I so get where you’re at. I think it’s all the uncertainty and waiting that really does us all in. I’m sorry you’re blah, and I hope it passes once you’re up and running with the next cycle.

    Do you go for acupuncture? This may be helpful to your cycles and your mood, if you’re willing to try it.

    And…for what it’s worth…when I told Dr. Lovely I had done one IUI with Clomid in the past, he said, “I hate Clomid. It doesn’t work.” Do you think your RE would let you start injectibles for the next round? Or, if you’re interested in getting a second opinion, I know Dr. Lovely has colleagues in the States that he would be happy to recommend – feel free to e-mail me and I will give you his e-mail address. (verymadhatter@live.com)

    Sorry to be all “miss fix-it” on you, but I find that the only thing that really helps my IF state of mind is pursuing answers and help.

    I hope you feel lighter and better soon.

    Love,
    Maddy

  8. JC

    First off thank you sooo much for your sweet comments on my blog. They really helped pick me up. I appreciate you so much!

    I know what you mean, my life is a blur right now too. I can’t make it through the day without thinking of IF the majority of the time. These past few weeks of work I’ve been totally non-productive and have sat there in a blur for most of it. At night it’s still a blur. I hope this ends for both of us soon, it sucks so badly. I’m praying for you and this next cycle. It’s funny b/c when you say “7 more BCPs” I’m always one day longer…8 days to my beta. I’m waiting with you =).

  9. *hugs* I’m sorry your feeling down. It’s hard to have hope when you feel stuck and don’t know what is coming up next. The cyst WILL go away and you will get to cycle again. I have IF thoughts always in the back of my head too. It’s never far away.

  10. Secret Sloper

    Oh Egg, I’m so sorry you’re in the doldrums. I have felt so much like this for the past year– grad school seemed unimportant, friends didn’t interest me, everything got me down. I did seek out counseling, and that helped a lot. But truthfully, only getting pregnant jolted me out of that rut. Even the miscarriage, awful as it was, was at least a change of pace from fruitless month after fruitless month of trying.

    You’ll get your little egg soon, even if it doesn’t feel that way now. I hope venting a little helped.

  11. Egg, I know exactly how you feel. IF is so all-consuming. It’s so weird now that I’m on a break…it’s like I don’t know what to think about…I just can’t HELP think about infertility all the time. I have felt very distracted from my social life…work…everything you mentioned above.
    It sucks, it really does. But in just a week you’ll be back on the wagon and getting knocked-up! I know it! Hang in there…you can do it!

  12. Al

    Oh, Egg, I am so not in the mood so either. It’s so rough and I hate feeling like a freaking fragile zombie all the time. It’s not who I want to be….I want to be excited, full of life!! And sometimes I am, it’s just so much more rare then.

    I think what we both need is SPRING!! Some bright sunshine and green grass….does so much to help my mood. (oh and getting pregnant would be really nice too!)

    Keep your chin up! Only a few more BCs to pop and you’ll be back in the saddle.

  13. Tarah

    I think it’s normal to be fixated on the one thing that you see most people being able to achieve without issue only to have issues yourself. It’s frustrating and it can really bring you down and question things you just can’t control. Trying to calm the war between emotional and rational thought can be a difficult feat!

    There are days I’m totally fine and just keep my mind on other things and then something trips me up and I feel myself starting to fall into the “Why us?” trap and it’s hard to grab on to something sane before I get too deep.

    I wish I could say your time will come or don’t worry but I know how empty those well meaning thoughts can be. So just know we’re here to listen and lean on. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

    http://lovelyladybump.blogspot.com/

  14. I know it may not feel like it, but you WILL make it through this rocky time in your life, and you WILL start living again, and you WILL learn from this experience.

    You are strong and fortunate and blessed, and you WILL get back on track.

    Try not to worry. You have too many wonderful people around you to let you go off the deep end. This WILL pass.

    Hang in there. I’m thinking of you and giving you strength!

  15. It’s okay to feel down, Egg. We have all been there and we all understand. This isn’t easy. None of it is. We can’t be expected to always plaster a smile on our faces and act like everything is okay. You will have days or weeks that you feel like this, but know that you are strong and you will pull through.

    Hang in there, sweetie. I’m thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs!

  16. I totally get this–I’ve started to wonder if I’m even capable of feeling pure, real happiness anymore. In a way, it’s got to be a lot harder if you’re a naturally sunny person because the difference is so much more acute. And the waiting around and not knowing whether you’ll move forward next cycle or be in the same old place–it’s super hard. Everything I’ve read suggests most people just feel like this (with some good days and some even worse days) until IF is resolved one way or the other. Giving myself permission to not be that social or productive, etc. (instead of feeling anxious or angry because I just couldn’t) does seem to have helped a tiny bit…

  17. God I know how you feel, IF is literally consuming my life…in a very negative way. Like you said I feel like I can’t see through the IF smog that is starting to suffocate me. And I’m def not in the mood for much these days either. Except of course brunch with my fav chicago bloggies!!! I just feel like nobody else gets what I’m going through, so no point in returning calls, caring at work, making plans all while pretending to be okay.

    I know I sound like a broken record here but you’ve been SO patient. And I just know you’re going to get good news once your done with these dang bc pills. How about you hope for me, and I hope for you…cause I seriously do have SO much hope for you this next month. Hang in there egg!!

  18. hollytraveling

    I’m so glad that you’ve verbalized this. I think it’s just where we are right now in life. Not that we should sit around being all depressed nor that we shouldn’t continue to try to live a normal life, but it is going to sneak it’s way into everything we do. I think it’s unavoidable. The point is, you keep on trying and moving forward and even though there are times where it may feel like you’re moving with a thousand hands pulling you down, you’re still moving. The one thing that’s scared me the most is thinking that I’m not as strong as I thought I was. But I realized that it’s OK to not be OK sometimes. It doesn’t make you any less strong. In fact, it’s just the opposite. We’re facing this head on, with no idea what the outcome will be, and that’s a very scary, confusing thing. For all of the hurdles you’ve had, you’re doing amazingly.

  19. When I was going through IF the first time, I would have days when I would just randomly cry. I would go on walks and listen to sad music and sob. I would lay in child’s pose in yoga class and tears would stream down my face. I would go to the bathroom at work and silently dab my tears in the stall, hoping no-one heard me sniffling. I avoided my friends. We didn’t go out. I especially avoided pregnant, happy people. I fought with my husband. I slept a lot. I ate a lot of chocolate and icecream. It was a freaking miserable period in my life. Embrace this time. Take care of yourself. But don’t push away those that can help you. Draw to your husband. This can make you a stronger couple. Pull in your close friends. I had one girlfriend that I would call every few weeks and ask if we could just hang out, run errands, be together and occassionally laugh. Be around people that let you be sad, but help you to laugh. Try to think of you life in eras rather than point to point…i.e., I know that the next “point” you want to reach is motherhood, but can you think of it as something you want in the next five years? Cherish the things that you do have right now. Like the ability to drink lots of wine, sleep late, go out with your girlfriends and husband. Hike. Do yoga. Find a way to focus on how your body feels. Good luck and know that you aren’t alone.

  20. Geez, Egg, you’ve hit the nail on the head. To me it feels like my life is on “autopilot.” I do things: go to work, go out with friends or DH, volunteer, etc., but it all feels so empty. It feels like I’m waiting for the “next thing”…

    I don’t know what I can say to help you. We just have to go on, I think. Just get up in the morning and go on with life. And try to remain hopeful as much as we can!

  21. Tio

    Isn’t it funny how all the things that once seemed so fulfilling start to lose a lot of their value when you can’t have the one thing you really want?

    We all need hope. That’s what gets us through the hard stuff. You WILL find your hope.

  22. A

    I keep forgetting to bookmark your blog and come comment! I have been going through a remarkably somber time the last couple of weeks, too. But, for me it’s not a loss of hope- it’s just the overwhelming up against a wall type feeling. Like, how in hells bells are we facing IVF?!?!?!

    Here’s hoping and praying we get back to our normal selves soon 🙂 And figure out what path to take that’s going to expand our family!

  23. Pingback: See-sawing « Such A Good Egg

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