Warning: If you’re not in the mood (get it?!) for a blah post, click away.
I haven’t been in the mood for much lately. Not in the mood to socialize with my friends. Not in the mood to bring my A-game to work. Not in the mood to eat right. Not in the mood to run hard. Not in the mood to make conversation with a stranger on the elevator. Not in the mood to call my little sister back. Not in the mood to say “Great, and you?” when a coworker asks me how I’m doing. Not in the mood. Not myself.
Such a freaking Eyeore, I am!
I feel like I’m counting down my life. But not in an excited, I-can’t-wait-for-my-vacation kind of way. It’s like I’m always half-present because I’m so distracted by IF. It’s always in the background. Even when I’m talking to you, I’m not all there. I’m cloudy. It’s been a bad couple of months for me. I look back on this journey—not just this portion on the sidelines but ALL of it—and it all just feels like a blur. This is my life! How sad is it that it’s become a blur? And it’s really scary because I know I could just be getting started. I know this sounds horribly dramatic and that being a Clomid-er with a cyst is barely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to IF. But I can’t help it, it’s how I feel.
I just cannot—no matter what I try!—turn off my mind and just LIVE and treasure my wonderful life. I love where we live, I love my job, my hubs is my best friend, I am blessed in SO MANY WAYS. But I’m totally self-absorbed and fixated on the one way I’m not blessed. I wish I could make it stop. I want so so so badly to feel the relief that this is all over. But when I try to imagine what that might feel like, my heart starts racing and I feel numb. Does that mean I won’t ever feel it?
I keep waiting to discover what I’m being taught by this experience. My Mom says it will become clear to me later. So I’m counting down…seven more BCPs to go. To what? I don’t even know. The scary thing is that I’m writing this post on a relatively good day. (eek!) You should see me on a bad day lately…..not for public consumption! 🙂
I think I just need some hope. It’s been so long since I had any.