Where I am

I am four days away from finishing up my BCPs. I’ve felt a little more chill lately mostly because I can’t feel that 27mm cystie as much as I could earlier this month. It’s funny though, because AS I TYPE THIS, I suddenly totally feel like it’s there….throbbing and achey, just hanging out. Soooo, I have no idea if it’s gone or not. Sigh.

This post has been bubbling inside me for a little while now. I hope I say this correctly and don’t hurt any feelings here….please know this is about me and my personal frustrations. I have spent a lot of time this week being annoyed about being on the sidelines. And yes, you already knew that I’ve been really bummed about doing nothing toward TTC the past two months, but I mean really annoyed. Why? Well, to be honest, it’s the double-edged sword of blog-land. I wonder if others have experienced this? While I have learned SO MUCH and become a better-informed patient and more sensitive IFer by reading other IF blogs, sometimes being a good little reader has a dark side. Like when I read BasicGirl and FertilityChick’s posts about how their REs were letting them cycle through their friendly cysts.

No fair, I want to cycle too! I’ve been twiddling my thumbs since right after Christmas!

Now don’t get me wrong. I would never, ever, ever wish a break month upon anyone. Taking BCPs when you’re raring to take some Clomid and to try to make a baby is a shade of devastation I want to shield every IF bloggie from ever experiencing. I am thrilled that these awesome girls are happily cycling away right now. (And I’m sending them major BFP vibes!!) It just made me soooooo frustrated that Dr. C has such a different protocol with friendly cysts. It’s been one of those silly “life isn’t fair” situations and I know it doesn’t matter how I feel about it. My job is to follow MY doctor’s orders and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I keep reminding myself that HE is the doctor here. He is treating me. He is privy to alllllll of the various components that go into a decision about whether or not to let me cycle. We are all different, and I have to believe he didn’t make the decision without some thought.

Anyway, I’m mostly (haha) over this discrepancy since I’ll take my last BCP on Thursday. Then I’ll wait for my period. I’m hoping she comes next weekend. And then hopefully I’ll go in for baseline monitoring early that week. And hopefully that darn cyst is gone and I can finally join you bloggies in cycle-land.

If it’s not gone, I’m going to go all bold and demanding Egg on my RE’s office. I’ll demand they have Dr. C call me. I’ll tell him I either want him to drain it or let me cycle through it. (Anyone ever had a cyst aspirated?) I’m going to have to be loud and firm and convincing! I’m really, really hoping it doesn’t come to that. But I know better than to get my hopes up. So we’ll just have to see!

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23 Comments

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23 responses to “Where I am

  1. Leslie

    I know what it is like to be on a forced break – although mine were not cyst related. I know it is not fun at all. I hope that the next 4 days of BCPs go by quickly, that AF shows shortly thereafter and you will be on your way to cycling again!! I will be here cheering you on all the way!!

  2. Secret Sloper

    It’s so natural that you would feel that way. I get it. I do not EVER wish a miscarriage on anyone, especially not those who’ve suffered from IF. But sometimes…I don’t get why my pregnancy didn’t get to be easy, too. Sometimes I think about how not fair it is.

    Your bloggy friends get it, too, so don’t worry about offending them.

    We’ll all be cheering on the sidelines when you start your next cycle.

  3. I am feeling very confident that your cyst will be history at your next u/s. I think you’re going to get some good news and you’re going to start your next cycle and forget all about that awful cyst. That’s what I think!! And I will not be convinced otherwise!! So hang in there – only a few days left!!

  4. If you trust your doctor ten you have to believe this is the right choice. If for some reason you can’t cycle, maybe you could ask him to explain why some patients can go ahead while others can’t. Waiting is torture, I REALLY hope that what you’re feeling right now are tons of good eggs chomping at their bits, ready to go, and not that crap cyst.

  5. I definitely understand the frustration of a cyst-induced break month. It’s so hard not to be incredibly jealous of those who get to move on when you’re stuck behind. I so hope that the cyst goes away and you’re able to move on quickly!

    ICLW

  6. I know exactly how you feel. It’s not that your not happy for others. It’s just you want to be in their shoes too being able to cycle and try like them instead of being stuck and waiting. It stinks *hugs* I hope your cyst is going away and your next appointment which I hope is soon brings you great things.

  7. It sucks that you have had to be on a break for so long, but I think it’s great that you’re going to stand up for yourself. YOU are in charge of your treatment, and you have the right to ask for what you need.

  8. JC

    You have every right to have these feelings about being on a forced break. I’m hoping and praying your cyst is gone so you can cycle again. And if you have to stand up to your RE…you CAN do it!!!

  9. A

    will be hoping that you can get your show on the road soon!

  10. hollytraveling

    It makes total sense. I can understand the frustration. There are times I read others blogs and I wonder my RE hadn’t suggested that direction or method, and I feel kind of slighted or a step behind others. But you’re right there. I know that thing is gone, or at the very least, just a little itty bitty thing by now.

  11. Tio

    I really think you’ll be cycling next month as planned. Don’t ask me why! I just have a feeling. And as I tell my husband all the time, I’m hardly ever wrong about anything.

  12. Zuly

    Friend, you are almost there. Thursday will come and you will get your answer soon. I do think that you should talk to your doctor and tell him how you feel and ask why some girls can go on with a cyst and some can’t. Im cheering for you!! You are going to do great next cycle =)

  13. I love this “go get em” attitude EGG!! Things are going to workout one way or another. Love you!

  14. Tarah

    We would ALL be frustrated if we were in your shoes so don’t feel bad for feeling that way. Hopefully this cycle is enough to “fix” things and you’ll be able to TTC again and get your much deserved BFP! My fingers are crossed for you!

    http://lovelyladybump.blogspot.com/

  15. Jin

    Hey, if you ever get down, you can head over to my blog because I’m not doing anything IF related because I’m sick of it. So look at it this way – at least you’re doing something related to getting pregnant, make sense? I can be your comparison, lol. Hopefully you feel a little better from that :o)

  16. Thank you for commenting on my blog! Happy ICLW! I love that you’re so demanding and informed. That’s the only way to be in the whole world of TTC. Wishing you luck. Take advantage of the saneness of BCPs. (I miss mine). And get ready… because it’s almost time to start cycling again. ;o) Good luck!!!

  17. It isn’t fair… it really isn’t.

    It always drove me crazy when my doctor’s protocol was different than other people’s REs. My RE didn’t feel like I needed to be monitored on Clomid, and didn’t insist on an HSG & SA before I started it. Everything that I learned in blogland told me that these are things that should be done.

    BUT, I realized, that my RE was the only one who had access to my charts, ultrasounds, past medical history, etc and I trusted her to make the right decision for me. On the flip side though, I never had that trust in my ob/gyn– I always had to be one step ahead of her.

    Trust your doctor but be an advocate for yourself and what you feel in your gut is right!!! Hang in there, honey!

  18. I think the only thing worse than having a shot and not getting pregnant is not having a shot at all. (Okay, getting pregnant and then miscarrying is worse, but so is getting devoured by wild dogs and an infinite number of other things…you know what I mean.) And as someone who has just been sidelined, I really feel you. I also echo what the others have said–yes, we’ve got to trust our doctors, but also speak up for ourselves. They just don’t seem to get the agony of being asked to wait for anything at all ever. Which is weird, since every one of their patients is going through it. ANYWAY, looking forward to seeing you move forward soon. Hopefully directly into pregnant land.

  19. You are smart to take this situation into your own hands, if that’s what it comes down to. Only YOU are in charge of your body and there have to be other options besides sitting out another cycle. But lets hope that things don’t even get to that point and that sucker is GONE before your next monitoring appointment.

    Sending lots of “shrinking cyst” vibes your way!

  20. Okay, 3 more days to go egg. You can do this!!! I just know there will be good news for you, because basically you just frickin deserve it!! I totally get it, and would be beyond annoyed too…especially when others got the ok. It doesn’t seem fair, why does everything have to always be so different when it comes to IF, cysts, progesterone levels, it’s never ending…ugh! Can’t a girl just get a straight answer here. In any case, good plan for the Dr. You give it to him, and if you need me and my friendly cyst to come with you as proof you can still cycle, we totally will! Hah, could you imagine?

  21. I completely understand. It is frustrating anyway, but when doctors don’t agree it makes it worse (especially if your with the sidelines-type doctor). My worst experience (which was recently) was after 3 months of being on a break I go in and there are a couple of cysts and “something else” on one of my ovaries. My RE isn’t there, but the doctor on call wouldn’t let me cycle. I was bummed, but took it in stride. Then I go into see MY RE a few days later, he tells me not only would he have let me cycle through, but he also thought that the other doctor had allowed it because she failed to note in my record that she told me to hold off. Talk about wanting to hit someone.

    Wishing you all the best.

  22. Al

    I hope the BCPs zapped the shit out of that cyst and you’re a big green light for this next cycle…and if not, I know that BA Egg will get to cycle next month! I just hope you don’t have to fight your heart out to get the chance you so deserve.

    Hang in there Egg! You’re so close!

  23. Hi! Here from ICLW. I get where you’re coming from. I have been on forced breaks twice, although not because of cysts. One is right now because I need to get my wisdom teeth out. Urgh. The other was after my ectopic when I had to wait for the methotrexate to be out of my system. I’m sending you good vibes that this all works and you get to start treatments again soon!!

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