Yesterday I actually left my cubicle at noon and met a really good friend for lunch. She is a good, good egg. Like, one of the best eggs in the entire universe. We haven’t seen each other in a couple of months due to work, travel and me not feeling in the mood. Oh, my gosh. It was so good to see her—it soothed my gimpy soul. We caught up on some stuff, complained about the weather, gave a big ‘ol SCREW YOU to cold, dreary, depressing, worst-month-of-our-year February and talked about all the good things to come with Spring. What an awesome lunch break!
Anyway, I was walking back to my office afterward, not feeling like an Eyeore for the first time in a while, when it hit me: I feel at peace. I feel mellow. I feel okay with where I am. I am not experiencing that heart racing fear about my cyst and never getting pregnant. I am not mentally calculating when I might get to go in for baseline monitoring for the 7,294,827 time in the past 20 days. I was thinking to myself, I have not had much to say on my poor little blog lately…but, finally, I can write a happy post! I am at peace!
But then I had to, you know, work, so I didn’t get around to it. And last night hubs got home at a decent hour (yip!) so I got to spend the evening making dinner with him (gyros with our fancy new food processor, in case you’re curious). No blogging. And then I got up this morning and—POOF!—that peaceful feeling was gonzo.
Sigh. But it’s okay. I’m trying not to beat myself up about these highs and lows—they come no matter what. I’m doing the best I can. And because I don’t have much else to think about these days, I’ll give you a peek into my see-sawing frame of mind…
At peace: Even if my cyst is still there next week, I’m going to MAKE Dr. C drain it or let me cycle.
Heart racing: I can’t make him do anything. What if it’s still there and I’m benched even longer? I bet I will be, I can feel it! It’s totally there! I’m screwed! (Noooooooo!)
At peace: I’ll be on estrogen next cycle, so my lining should be much, much better.
Heart racing: I’ve heard estrogen thwarts follie growth.
At peace: I’ll be on 50mg instead of 100mg of Clomid, so that should also help my lining. And maybe not give me another giant cyst.
Heart racing: I had borderline ovulation on 50mg in my first round (P4 of 3.5), so 50mg may not be enough to make my follies grow! Plus, I’m about 8 pounds heavier than I was back in October, maybe my bigger body needs 100mg or 75mg?
At peace: But in my consult last month I asked Dr. C just that question—about the follies not being mature enough to release eggies on 50mg—and he said it wouldn’t matter because I’ll take Ovidrel and have a good strong ovulation.
Heart racing:What if he’s wrong? What if my follies don’t grow?
At peace: We’re doing an IUI, so the fact that I don’t get CM will finally be a non-issue.
Heart racing: Many REs do two, will one be enough?
At peace: It only takes one lucky month and one good egg.
Heart racing: Please let it be this month and this egg. Please. Please. Please.
Happy ICLW bloggies! 🙂