Yesterday I actually left my cubicle at noon and met a really good friend for lunch. She is a good, good egg. Like, one of the best eggs in the entire universe. We haven’t seen each other in a couple of months due to work, travel and me not feeling in the mood. Oh, my gosh. It was so good to see her—it soothed my gimpy soul. We caught up on some stuff, complained about the weather, gave a big ‘ol SCREW YOU to cold, dreary, depressing, worst-month-of-our-year February and talked about all the good things to come with Spring. What an awesome lunch break!

Anyway, I was walking back to my office afterward, not feeling like an Eyeore for the first time in a while, when it hit me: I feel at peace. I feel mellow. I feel okay with where I am. I am not experiencing that heart racing fear about my cyst and never getting pregnant. I am not mentally calculating when I might get to go in for baseline monitoring for the 7,294,827 time in the past 20 days. I was thinking to myself, I have not had much to say on my poor little blog lately…but, finally, I can write a happy post! I am at peace!

But then I had to, you know, work, so I didn’t get around to it. And last night hubs got home at a decent hour (yip!) so I got to spend the evening making dinner with him (gyros with our fancy new food processor, in case you’re curious). No blogging. And then I got up this morning and—POOF!—that peaceful feeling was gonzo.

Sigh. But it’s okay. I’m trying not to beat myself up about these highs and lows—they come no matter what. I’m doing the best I can. And because I don’t have much else to think about these days, I’ll give you a peek into my see-sawing frame of mind…

At peace: Even if my cyst is still there next week, I’m going to MAKE Dr. C drain it or let me cycle.
Heart racing: I can’t make him do anything. What if it’s still there and I’m benched even longer? I bet I will be, I can feel it! It’s totally there! I’m screwed! (Noooooooo!)

At peace: I’ll be on estrogen next cycle, so my lining should be much, much better.
Heart racing: I’ve heard estrogen thwarts follie growth.

At peace: I’ll be on 50mg instead of 100mg of Clomid, so that should also help my lining. And maybe not give me another giant cyst.
Heart racing: I had borderline ovulation on 50mg in my first round (P4 of 3.5), so 50mg may not be enough to make my follies grow! Plus, I’m about 8 pounds heavier than I was back in October, maybe my bigger body needs 100mg or 75mg?

At peace: But in my consult last month I asked Dr. C just that question—about the follies not being mature enough to release eggies on 50mg—and he said it wouldn’t matter because I’ll take Ovidrel and have a good strong ovulation.
Heart racing:What if he’s wrong? What if my follies don’t grow?

At peace: We’re doing an IUI, so the fact that I don’t get CM will finally be a non-issue.
Heart racing: Many REs do two, will one be enough?

At peace: It only takes one lucky month and one good egg.
Heart racing: Please let it be this month and this egg. Please. Please. Please.

Happy ICLW bloggies! 🙂



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22 responses to “See-sawing

  1. That is always how my thoughts go…happy positive followed directly with WHAT IF!? Good luck with your IUI! I am doing my first the end of March/beginning of April!

  2. Tarah

    *HUGS* I wish I had the crystal ball and could tell you what the future holds but I don’t and I can’t. But I can tell you that we are always here to listen to you – be it happy or sad posts. I think friends make the harder trials in life much easier to get through. I hope you have another up day soon and ride that wave for a while.

  3. Wow. That is exactly what goes through my mind through all of this. You work so hard at staying positive, but it’s hard not to question everything and fear for the worst.

    Wishing you tons of luck on your IUI!

  4. I know that this in between is killing you…it’s an impossibly difficult wait. I so wish that your doc was switching to Femara instead of Clomid, but maybe the 50mg with the trigger shot is the magic no cyst awesome ovulation formula. And the IUI, so exciting!!

    FYI, my RE only does single IUIs– she says that the 2nd one has not significantly improved results in her experience. However, have sex all you want after the IUI!! Couldn’t hurt and may calm your nerves. 🙂

    Counting down the days with you, hon!!

  5. I’m so glad you had a great lunch with your best egg friend!! And those peaceful IF-free moments while usually short are truly blissful, yay for such a great day. You deserve it! And gyros…YUM!! And see sawing…such a great analogy, my mind is seriously tired from going back and forth, good to bad, best to worst outcome. So you are not along my friend. Thinking of you…you’re getting SO close!

  6. Al

    Sounds like a fantastic lunch and day yesterday :-). I’m glad you were happy and carefree for a while, and I hope you get more of those days – SPRING will help, I just know it.

    Hoping you get the all clear to cycle next week and that cyst is history!

  7. Oh man, does that ever sound like my brain! UP! DOWN! UP! Uggh, it gets so boring after a few…YEARS! I do think you can “make” your RE do things, though. I mean, usually they recommend a conservative route, but are somewhat amendable to persuasion. Anyways, I’m sure if the cyst is still there I hope not) he’ll aspirate, ’cause he said he would, and if not, just show him the heart racing version of you and he’ll get on board. Start warming up, ’cause you are NOT GOING TO BE ON THIS BENCH next cycle. And we’ll all bring you gatorade when you get knocked up.

  8. Your mind works a lot like mine. 🙂 Try not to let it race too far away. I’m thinking of you and sending lots of positive thoughts that next cycle you are back in the game and those follies are ready to go!

  9. Ugh, I hate the see-sawing, it makes me crazy. It is so important to have as many non-IF moments that you can. It is easy to “just not feel like it”. I hope that you get your egg too. GL-

  10. I really hope that this month is your month and you don’t have to worry about things anymore. yea for some zen feelings. I hope they stick with you.

  11. On a positive note, look how long it has been since you have had ANY peace?!?!? Just a few hours was a step in a good direction! There will be up and downs, but that’s the thing everything that goes down must come up! God knew that you needed that friend in your life today and he gave that peace you needed!!

  12. Secret Sloper

    Yup, that seesaw is not so fun a ride. But at least you feel peace some of the time for a little while. Sometimes that’s all we can do.

    I’m holding out hope that the waiting is over very, very soon.

  13. I’m glad to hear you got some peace, even if it only lasted a couple of short meals. I hope the tables turn and you get longer and longer periods of calm and fewer heart racing, sad days.

  14. Good luck! I hope the doctor will let you cycle or will drain the cyst! I have an award for you over at my blog!

  15. JC

    Ohh the highs and lows of this stupid IF journey…sigh. You’re totally right though, you are doing the best you can! I have to remind myself and tell myself that A LOT. I’m hoping everything works out and this next cycle is your cycle. =)

  16. Soooo happy to hear you’re feeling good. I like the “gimpy soul” piece. I don’t think there’s anything we can do to cure the “heart racing” moments, but I think the ticket is allowing it to happen and finding a way back to the peace…even if it does take a few weeks sometimes! Good for you!

  17. Oh the see saw, how so many of us know it so. We so could have written this exact same post many of us, so we feel ya girl. I am so hoping this cycle will be the one for you and wishing you best of success and more at peace and less heart racing. Happy iclw.

  18. *hugs* and goodluck :o)

  19. A

    I love that you got an opportunity to have a great refreshing lunch with your friend, and then had a great rest of your day! I think it is an excellent idea to write out what scenarios would give you peace, and then pray for and focus on those!!

  20. Tio

    Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. IF screws with our minds. But, you’re doing well. Truly! Maybe more lunch time girl sessions are in order?

  21. LTB

    So happy that you have another good egg really close by to meet for lunch! Hopefully you can have more lunches with her so that she can lift your spirits every once in a while! I hate the Jeckyl and Hyde game we play with ourselves! You are not alone Egg! Hope these last few days of BCP fly by!
    🙂 LTB

  22. Great post on how quickly you’re in one place and then how you’re just as quickly on the other end of it. Best of luck on your journey.


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