Same old, same old

Still no period. (Ugh. This is the longest it’s ever taken after Provera. A cruel coincidence? I see April slipping away and it totally sucks.)

Still taking my array of lining-boosting supplements morning and night. (This is good, it makes me feel like I’m doing something.)

Still running. (Some, but not too much.)

Still going to acu. (It’s awesome, I feel so chill afterwards.)

Still have the injects sitting in my fridge. (Just waiting to be used!)

So what’s different?

I’m contemplating making an appointment with a fertility-specializing counselor. I have been in a very dark, sad place this week. I think it’s the waiting for my period…and the dread of the family gatherings/wedding in two weeks….and general malaise and fear about everything IF-related. You’d think I’d have hit rock bottom by now (like I thought I did last Monday), but apparently not. Apparently there are no limits to the depths I can go. This frightens me…I’ve never been like this in my life…there’s never been a hole I couldn’t pull myself out of. But this is a battle that’s getting the best of me lately. I don’t think it’s fair to hubs to bring this worry/sadness home every night, and to wake up with it every day. Anyone see a counselor for IF help? I’ve been looking online and the literature seems to recommended seeing someone after major events (ie: Miscarriage, a BFN). Do I even qualify? Do Provera Crazies or or Canceled Cycle or Break Months or Bad RE Consult or Fear of Thin Lining count?

I have two big freelance projects that have been taking up a good chunk of my weekends for the past month. After I turn them in, I’m chilling out on freelancing. I take on this kind of work because I’m not sure what my job situation will be after hubs finishes grad school in about a year and a half. I may have to freelance full-time if we move to a new city (which would be fine with me! I’ve been wanting to be a stay-at-home-mom/freelancer for a loooonog time), and so I need to keep up with my contacts and stay in the game. It’s also helpful having the extra cash-flow. But, it’s been too, too much lately.  I need a break from it. I’m over it. I want to enjoy my nights and weekends.

I’ve been inspired by bloggies who are taking care of themselves with massages lately. I’m going to treat myself to one or two in the near future. (See above, and here’s an example of why it’s great to have that extra freelance cash-flow…the double-edged sword!)

Yes, this post was all over the place. It’s one of those days/weeks/months…



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18 responses to “Same old, same old

  1. Secret Sloper

    Please, dear Egg, please see a counselor. You count. You qualify. I mean, they don’t administer an exam when you walk through the door and say, “Sorry, no, you’ll have to come back after something *really* bad happens,” but even if they did you’d qualify.

    I started seeing my (stoner) therapist when we’d been TTC for *3 months* because I was already stressing. I have a RL friend who just hit her year mark and started IF testing. She began visiting a counselor with a specialty in IF patients after she’d been trying for 6 or 7 months. Seeing her therapist has been so helpful.

    You are going through a major trauma and you should have someone experienced and knowledgeable to help you through it.

    Make an appointment! It’s not scary, I promise.

  2. Egg! I am so excited to hear from you, but so sad to read this post. Definitely go see a counselor. If that’s what you think will help you, you need to do it. I saw a counselor when we were first diagnosed and lived in Tennessee. It was the best thing I ever did. I’ve often thought about finding one here in Florida and going back, but just haven’t had the time. It’s a great way to release your emotions and be open, without having someone judge you or insert their opinion.

    The previous poster said it best: You are going through a major trauma. Never forget that infertility is a life crisis and you deserve to take care of yourself–whether that be with massages, counseling, or whatever it is you need to do to make yourself happy.

    We’re here for you, and please let me know if you ever need to talk. I’m sending you lots of hugs and love!


  3. Do it! I know some people attach a lot of stigma to seeing a counselor, and that might be hard to kick if you feel that way. But it doesn’t mean you’re crazy or dysfunctional–in fact, seeking help is a sign that you are FUNCTIONAL! And yes, you absolutely count as someone who could profit from a little help. I had the same feeling when I started seeing one (which I did for about five months–that seemed to be enough in my case), but she set my mind at ease on that score. And it really helped to feel legitimized and to have a safe place to feel whatever I was feeling. Definitely find one who has experience with IF, and cognitive behavioral therapists are less likely to be hokey and granola-y about the whole thing, if that’s a concern.

    I hate your stupid missing period. I so want you to start those injectables! I so want the stress of waiting to find out just how thick and fluffy your lining will be to end!

    (And P.S. Your mother telling you that you are to blame for your situation by running too much is such a heartbreaker. How dare she be anything but sympathetic and loving? How dare she be so totally wrong? Things our mothers tell us, however much we know they are crazy, are really hard to shake. It’s so unfair, and I’m sorry.)

  4. Good luck with your projects 🙂 A massage sounds like a great idea! I’ve been thinking about getting one for a while now but keep putting it off. I love them though.

    I’ve always thought about seeing a infertility therapist as well. I hope you are able to find someone wonderful.

  5. Al

    I think it’s a great idea to see therapist, if you think it will help. One that is focused on IF would be best, they’ll be so familiar with what you’re going through and how it affects so many aspects of life. Like the other commenters said, there are no “requirements” for therapy – if you think it will help, it will!

    I’m glad you’re being good to yourself and splurging on a massage and scaling back the freelancing for a bit. I’m so sorry AF is taking her sweet ass time…ugh!!

    (Also, I second everything Katie said…she says it all so well…)

    see you in a few days!!!

  6. Waiting for af to show is awful. I so know how you feel. It might be helpful to talk to someone who specializes in if. If you do I hope you find someone who can help you feel better about things.

  7. Of course you “count” for counseling! You’ve been through a lot and no matter what it’s from, you deserve to be able to speak your mind and talk to someone who can listen and give you an objective view point. I hope you find one that meshes with you and it makes things a little easier. I have my fingers crossed that AF rears her ugly head soon and you are able to start your latest cycle.

    You are a wonderful person, you always have such sweet, thoughtful things to say on my blog, I try to do the same for you. No matter the outcome of your IF journey, you ARE a beautiful person inside and out. I can see that from just behind a computer screen.

    You are in my thoughts & prayers all the time and I always am hopeful to see your progress on your blog. I am truly cheering for you from the sidelines.

  8. There’s nothing worse than feeling that you’re losing touch with who you are. In my lowest moments, I sometimes didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I was very close to seeking out counseling on more than one occasion. My clinic gave me 2 recommendations…maybe yours can refer you to someone with experience in IF.

    I think that it takes a very brave and very strong person to ask for and accept help. Take care of yourself. 🙂

  9. “This frightens me…I’ve never been like this in my life…there’s never been a hole I couldn’t pull myself out of.”

    I could have written this in the midst of our infertility struggles. I ended up going on antidepressants for a short while and it made all the difference in the world. While the depression was an ongoing thing, I couldn’t dig out of the hole. That little 3 month lift from an antidepressant was what I needed to break that cycle. Admitting I needed help was the second hardest thing I’ve done in my life (battling IF is the first). Good luck hon.

    ~ICLW #31

  10. I’m jumping on the train and agreeing about the IF counselor. When I started with my RE, the office automatically put in my folder the business cards for area counselors that specialized in working with infertility patients.

  11. JC

    I say go see one, you qualify. All of us qualify. I’ve thought about it at times and if I get bad again I’m going to look for someone. Problem is I don’t think there would be counselor specializing in IF where I live. But idk, I’m just lazy and haven’t researched it. I’m sorry you haven’t started yet and sorry you’re in a time crunch with the weddings and everything. =( I wish there was something we could do. I’m glad you wrote, I miss you. I’m thinking of you and I hope you find a counselor soon.

  12. I have gotten to the exact same place. I decided this morning I really needed to see an IF counselor. Let me know what you find out! Maybe I can just let you do all the research and steal your counselor 😉

  13. hollytraveling

    I’m going to say what everyone else has, seeing a counselor is a good idea. This IF thing takes a toll on the mind and body. It’s a good idea to do damage control every once in a while.

    You’re a strong, beautiful person, Egg, and though you may not feel like it, even at what you call your lowest depths, you’re an inspiration. You’re honest and true and I can feel how much you want this and you’re not giving up. I find you amazing. Wishing you the best.

  14. My heart just goes out to you, egg! I could have written this post myself (well, no, I couldn’t because I can’t write like that); I really do know how you feel when you say it’s a hole you can’t pull yourself out of. You can see that there is a world up there–but it just seems impossible to get there.

    Definitely see a counselor. As others have said, there’s no standardized test before hand–you don’t have to wait for some specified qualifying event. The event is the way you feel, no matter what triggered it.

    As others have said, if you can, find someone who specializes in IF. I don’t have someone like that–but I’d imagine it would be great.

  15. Sounds like I am late to the party, but I say definitely find a counselor (IF or “regular”) who can help you sort through all of this. You can’t let this take over your life. You’re a fighter! Fight back.

    You are doing so well with all of this. It’s a LOT to take, especially all at once. Don’t beat yourself up. There are lots of ladies here and elsewhere that support you!

  16. A massage sounds like just what the doctor ordered! I understand the slippage of your sanity, but hold on Egg. You can get through this. You are a strong and wonderful woman!!! Loves!!

  17. Sorry I’m just catching up, but I think you should do whatever is best for YOU. If seeing someone would help, then totally go for it…like SS said above, you don’t have to qualify to need to sort things out with someone who is just purely there to listen. But like everyone is saying, just remember you truly are amazing…you have handled some serious IF blows and are still trucking along, refusing to give up. That in itself is a victory!!

    And my massage is tomorrow, cannot wait. I think you need to book something STAT, you deserve it!! Ohhh, idea…maybe down the road we can do a Chicago bloggies spa day, that could be fun.

  18. I’ve been going to a therapist for coping with IF for about 2 years now, and I find it really helpful. I’m much less ripped apart by all the IF trauma than I used to be.

    Also, I too am a freelance writer! I went freelance when we started trying, thinking I would soon be a WAHM. I started my master’s at the same time. Three years later, I had my MFA and a thriving freelance career when we adopted our baby guy. I guess it’s good I had plenty of time to focus on building my career pre-baby? It has been great being able to keep writing while staying home with our boy. You’ll love it too 🙂

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