Deadlines missed

When we first went off the BCPs I looooooved daydreaming about what month our baby would be born in. I knew the spring and summer of 2010 we’d be on a serious wedding circuit and I wondered which weddings we’d have to miss because I was either a) taking care of a newborn, or b) so knocked up that the doctor would advise me to not be on airplanes.

Time passed and—still hopeful but getting more and more scared—my thoughts morphed into how exciting it would be to see my friends from college while sporting a super pregnant belly and that beautiful pregnant woman–glow.

More time passed and I would think to myself, Well, even if I’m less than 12 weeks and can’t tell anyone, I will have this beautiful secret miracle growing inside me.

Not so much.

Back in October, Dr. C told me we’d do Clomid four times max and then move on. The number-cruncher in me immediately thought, Okay, awesome, we’ll be pregnant by January, or—worst case scenario (ha!)—well on our way! I have normal hormone levels. I’m healthy. There was no reason to think Clomid wouldn’t work.

But it didn’t. And it wasn’t a four-month discovery process. It took eight months. And I’ve only ovulated once. And I’m on the bench. So I don’t even have the HOPE that comes with popping Clomid, or taking injections, or daydreaming during a 2ww. I just have my broken heart, my chubbier body and my missed deadlines.

Tomorrow I leave for Florida for wedding number one in our season of weddings. I know it’ll be a fun weekend celebrating our family and I’m definitely looking forward to getting out of cold and gloomy Chicago. But I have all of these dark thoughts in my heart that make me feel like SUCH a bad person! Even though hubs’s extended family is SUPER nice (they are all from Alabama and have the southern charm to prove it!), I have this very self-centered belief that everyone will be looking at me and wondering why, after 11 years together and 4 years married, hubs and I still don’t have a kid. I’m incredibly anxious that his little brother and wife will get knocked up on their Honeymoon next week. I’m envious of their youth and the distinct possibility that they have zero fertility issues and will have a baby soon. I’m jealous of all the deadlines they don’t know exist and will meet, effortlessly.

This past Saturday while I was out running errands hubs told his Mom what’s been going on with us. She’s a very sensitive, kind woman (and nurse) so I know she was nothing but understanding and supportive. (I am a little worried hubs couched the conversation as “I’m telling you this so you don’t say something weird and make Egg cry” rather than “this has been a huge part of our lives this past year and we thought it was time to share what’s been up with us.” Sigh. That’s me, always the Catholic guilt.) Anyway, I’m glad she knows, because I’m hoping she can protect me from stuff that could be awkward. She told hubs I might want to be aware that one of his cousins is four months pregnant right now (and she’ll be carrying a 1.5 yro and 3 yro on her two hips!). That she thought of that and how it might affect me proves that his Mom probably “gets it.” For that I am very grateful. So hopefully I don’t get seated right next to the cousin at the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night (!). But if I do, it’ll be okay. I’ll congratulate her and leave it at that….I will not be a glutton for punishment and ask her about her registry and how the pregnancy compares to her other two and what his or her name will be and if the nursery is underway. It’s not my job to make pregnant people feel good; I think they should feel pretty darn good as-is! 🙂

It’s going to be an emotional minefield of a weekend, but I am strong and tough and I’m going to make the best of it. And I don’t know if this is a healthy way to think or demented and horrible, but one thing I can count on is that the deadlines will always be there. Maybe we can have a baby while I’m still 31. Or, hey, maybe I can get pregnant while I’m 31. Or before hubs graduates from his program? Or before we leave Chicago?



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26 responses to “Deadlines missed

  1. lifebytheday

    Man, do I know how you feel. I’m dealing with similar wedding-induced stress and misery from yet another deadline missed. In fact, I nearly bankrupted my DH and I because I couldn’t wait TWO WEEKS until we got new insurance to do IVF #3…and yup, still not pregnant…but definitely paying those bills. It’s so hard, but I think the only way to look at it is that it hasn’t been the right time yet…but don’t worry, OUR TIME WILL COME!
    Hugs 🙂

  2. You’re leaving Chicago?!

    Okay, that was not probably what I should have gotten out of the post, but that’s what made me panicked 🙂

    All big gatherings are SO HARD. It’s a reminder of where you thought you would be at that time but aren’t even remotely close. It’s full of nosy people. It’s full of pregnant people.

    I really hope you get through this okay. (and that you look super hot at the wedding!)

  3. You have no idea how much I know how you feel. I have my first official baby shower during IF this weekend (yes, I have managed to successfully avoid baby showers for the past two years!) and I am sick to my stomach thinking about it. But you know what? You are right about yourself. You are strong, tough, and determined. I know you can pull yourself through this. Do you have someone you can sneak off and text when you are having a rough time? Another thing I like to do in situations like that is focus on one thing (preferably something unrelated to babies) that makes me think happy thoughts. This might mean you aren’t paying attention to peoples’ conversations, but that’s okay. Tune them out if you have to.

    Good luck, Egg. I’ll be thinking about you.

  4. I was just having the same conversation with myself this morning about turning 34. I’ll basically have one shot at getting pregnant soon enough to have a baby at 34, and for some reason (okay, I know the reason, it’s that my best friend had hers at 34) I’m desperate to have that happen. Then I feel like such a jerk for contemplating a scenario in which I get pregnant and am anything but thrilled! Like as long as I get pregnant, why should I care when?!

    ANYWAY, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: what you’re going through is a special kind of hard, and I really feel for you. Fortunately, you ARE strong and resilient and awesome!

  5. Every.single.month, I subject myself to the voluntary torture of making up my new season-appropriate announcement plans and think about what cute outfit our little one will come home in (long sleeve? short sleeve? rudolph onesie? beach tank top and sun hat?). And so far, all those deadlines are gone. This month, my thought was, hey, last year I said that I felt it would be awesome to have a Christmas baby, but maybe what my heart was telling me is that it would be THIS Christmas. I mean seriously, why do I think this way?! Ha!

    We have all been there. Will be praying that this weekend isn’t too rough on you- but know that you’re allowed to cry in the bathroom if you need to (hug)!!!

  6. Jin

    Family events/showers are the worst. I shudder just thinking about them. Glad your MIL knows so she can deflect some things for you and hubs. Hang in there Egg, your time will come sooner than you realize.

  7. Secret Sloper

    First, I was supposed to *have a baby* before I turned 30. Then, I was supposed to *get pregnant* before I turned 30 (and hey, I accomplished that goal…sort of). Now the goal is to have a baby at 30, and eventually it will be to get pregnant while 30, and eventually to make my husband a dad before 40, or to have a kid before finishing the PhD, or get pregnant before defending my dissertation, or…or…or…or…

    And yeah, the wedding in Florida we’re going to in June is on the m&m’s due date. I was never so excited to think about telling someone I couldn’t come to their wedding.

    But you are so amazingly strong and capable. You will handle yourself with so much grace at this wedding. You’ll deal with the preggos and those stupid speculative “hmmm could she be?” looks that women just love to throw at each other, and I bet you’ll even have a good time in the end (and look GORGEOUS while doing it in your gold dress!)

    And just think: in a few days the wedding will be over and you won’t have to anticipate it (whether eagerly or ruefully) any longer. I always feel a little better when another deadline ticks past.

  8. I did this, too… Rob was supposed to be a dad by 40 and after his birthday last year, I slowly counted down each month– a deadline of when I had to be pregnant by, in order for that to happen. Needless to say, it didn’t happen. Unless this baby is late, I’ll have Baby Blakely before I turn 30, however, in my original time line I was supposed to be on Baby #2 by now. Things rarely work out the way we plan. 😦

    I’m so glad that DH told his mom– I really think that she might be able to help you avoid some landmines. Plus, the support of family is always good.

    I’m so sorry, Egg– I hope you’re able to enjoy yourself at the wedding. I know you’ll be glowing, anyway!

  9. Al

    Oh all the deadlines I’ve made up for myself and countdowns and date crunching…ugh…I feel you. I thought I could have a baby in 2010 and that’s not happening, now I’m hoping I’m preggo by my bday / TTC 2nd anniversary. I hate thinking that and putting that pressure on this IVF cycle, but it’s so hard not to.

    Best of luck this weekend with the family. I think telling the MIL was a smart move and will get you some compassion from her if nothing else. I’m headed to a wedding of college friends which is generally less scary but I also have no clue what they’ll say to me after a bit of alcohol. Hopefully we won’t be trading horror stories on Monday.

  10. LTB

    Missed deadlines suck. Deadlines at all, suck. You on the other hand are a sweetie and a good damn egg. I want you to get a BFP more than anything and I know you will, just on your body’s own time, not your man made deadlines! but we all do it! Also wanted to wish you a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And, even though I know 31 sucks you can always bask in the glory of knowing i’m older than you by a few weeks!
    Are you a pisces too???

  11. I am sorry you always seem to find yourself on the bench. That totally sucks. I really hope that after this benching you can cycle for real. So glad your hubby’s mom was nice about it and actually got it. it sounds like she will be helpful during this process.

  12. zully

    My friend, I hope you have a good trip. I know it’s going to be a bit hard but you are strong!! Try to focus on the fun part of the trip. Big Hug =)

  13. hmmm, perhaps you’re investing all your time and energy into your career and babies will just have to wait until you achieve the level of success that you’re looking for first?? i’ve been using the “waiting for promotion” excuse and now that it’s here, i’m frantically trying to think of another excuse to stall ppl for another 6 months or so …

    have a great weekend (drink up!!) and hope you get through it on two feet :o)

  14. JC

    I so relate to your deadlines. I think we all have these or have had them and they’ve passed long ago. It sounds like your MIL will be supportive and understanding which is awesome!!! I hope you have fun in FL and at the wedding and I hope nothing happens that causes you any more pain.

  15. hollytraveling

    You are strong. You are tough. I’ve been having the same kind of feelings lately, but I haven’t been benched (I’m totally stalking my sister-in-law and brother’s TTC attempts; I’m so convinced they’ll get pregnant right away). I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.

    But here’s the thing Egg, you only really tried once, and I know that’s no consolation or anything right now, but as soon as they get you figured out and fluff up your lining, well, nothing is going to stop you. You will get there. I promise. I feel it in my toes.

    And in the meantime, you’re just going to look damn gorgeous and (even if you secretly wish you were in her position) make little miss pregnant with two kids eat her heart out.

  16. Jen

    I always found weddings to be the worst. It seems there was always a discovery there of a newly preggo acquaintance, or maybe it’s just the thought of weddings and babies seemingly going together. They always managed to bum me out in some way or another! I hope your weekend goes smoothly and you can enjoy yourself.

  17. I can so relate to the emotions – starting with the pure excitement of starting to try to conceive, to the planning, to the “what if I’m still not pregnant when…” It’s amazing how something so joyful quickly becomes something of stress, worry, and pain. You will get pregnant and even though it might not be on the timeline you thought, you will have the family you and your hubs so desperately want.
    I’m really glad hubs told MIL what’s going on. It sounds like she totally gets it, which will be such a blessing for you moving forward. Try to have fun this weekend. At least you’re leaving this crappy weather far behind! Bring back some sun, please!

  18. I love that his mom was being so thoughtful; not everyone is like that.

    And you keep making those deadlines lady, it will just be that much sweeter when you finally meet one.

  19. Try and enjoy yourself! You are only responsible to make YOU happy and no one else!!

  20. Oh man I hate the deadlines!! I thought we’d for sure have a 2010 baby, since we started trying in January 2009…and especially when we went to the RE in October. I thought no way will we not get pregnant before the end of 2010. Well, now here I am starting at an 2011 baby…consider that deadline blown…ugh. I don’t know why we do it, but it seems impossible not to set those deadlines for ourself…but it seems like eventually we HAVE to meet one, our time will come!!

    Thinking of you this weekend, you are one tough little eggie…so I know you’ll get through it!! And sounds like it was a good call for hubs to tell the MIL, and what a relief that she gets it. Enjoy some warm weather this weekend, and stay strong!!

  21. I wish you luck on these upcoming weddings and family events. It must be so frustrating to feel like you haven’t even had the chance to swing the bat. I find that I usually tense up and become a real b*tch before these events b/c I’m just dreading that one off-hand comment that someone will make because the JUST can’t get it. At Easer, there was a family member who was “competing” with some of the other family members about who had a worse pregnancy/delivery. It took enormous self control for me to not b*tch her out about how she got “accidentally” knocked up with each of her pregnancies and didn’t have to waste year(s) of her life trying to get pregnant and countless $$$. This same person asked us when we were going to buy a new couch (since our dog ate two big holes in ours) and I said that we had other expenses to deal with first. She teased that we were just being cheap. I wish. We’re trying to find $7500 to pull together for this next IVF round.

  22. Tarah

    *hugs* You have a great attitude and outlook even though you have every right to throw a pity party. You are so strong and so awesome – I hope you know that. I have been rooting for you since I started following your blog and I will be there right with you, crying tears of joy when you finally get your BFP or expand your family in another way. I’m pulling for you, praying for you, hoping for you.

  23. You WILL make it through. You are fabulous, and I guarantee other people are NOT thinking about you getting pregnant as much as you are. When we told people we had gone through such a struggle to get pregnant, most of them responded with “I had no idea!”. And that was that. Apparently they weren’t obsessing over me the way I obsessed over if everyone else was pregnant or not.

    Look fabulous, enjoy those lovely glasses of wine while you’re all dressed up, and try to let those inevitable, horrible comments roll off your back like a raindrop on an umbrella.

    I think it’s great that your hubby told his mom. She can help shield you from the babyness, if possible. Good luck and hang in. Someday it will be YOUR turn to have the adorable baby at the wedding.

  24. I have felt similarly at times. You eagerly see all these events come up and then they pass without any baby or belly to show for the time. I’ve just realized that this will be another Christmas without a baby. But again I hope that at least we will be on our way by then.

  25. Jeanna

    Hope it was a good weekend and the weather warmed your spirits! You are getting closer and closer to your next try.

  26. I am so sorry it has been such a struggle! Good luck at the wedding and find a way to enjoy yourself!

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