When we first went off the BCPs I looooooved daydreaming about what month our baby would be born in. I knew the spring and summer of 2010 we’d be on a serious wedding circuit and I wondered which weddings we’d have to miss because I was either a) taking care of a newborn, or b) so knocked up that the doctor would advise me to not be on airplanes.
Time passed and—still hopeful but getting more and more scared—my thoughts morphed into how exciting it would be to see my friends from college while sporting a super pregnant belly and that beautiful pregnant woman–glow.
More time passed and I would think to myself, Well, even if I’m less than 12 weeks and can’t tell anyone, I will have this beautiful secret miracle growing inside me.
Not so much.
Back in October, Dr. C told me we’d do Clomid four times max and then move on. The number-cruncher in me immediately thought, Okay, awesome, we’ll be pregnant by January, or—worst case scenario (ha!)—well on our way! I have normal hormone levels. I’m healthy. There was no reason to think Clomid wouldn’t work.
But it didn’t. And it wasn’t a four-month discovery process. It took eight months. And I’ve only ovulated once. And I’m on the bench. So I don’t even have the HOPE that comes with popping Clomid, or taking injections, or daydreaming during a 2ww. I just have my broken heart, my chubbier body and my missed deadlines.
Tomorrow I leave for Florida for wedding number one in our season of weddings. I know it’ll be a fun weekend celebrating our family and I’m definitely looking forward to getting out of cold and gloomy Chicago. But I have all of these dark thoughts in my heart that make me feel like SUCH a bad person! Even though hubs’s extended family is SUPER nice (they are all from Alabama and have the southern charm to prove it!), I have this very self-centered belief that everyone will be looking at me and wondering why, after 11 years together and 4 years married, hubs and I still don’t have a kid. I’m incredibly anxious that his little brother and wife will get knocked up on their Honeymoon next week. I’m envious of their youth and the distinct possibility that they have zero fertility issues and will have a baby soon. I’m jealous of all the deadlines they don’t know exist and will meet, effortlessly.
This past Saturday while I was out running errands hubs told his Mom what’s been going on with us. She’s a very sensitive, kind woman (and nurse) so I know she was nothing but understanding and supportive. (I am a little worried hubs couched the conversation as “I’m telling you this so you don’t say something weird and make Egg cry” rather than “this has been a huge part of our lives this past year and we thought it was time to share what’s been up with us.” Sigh. That’s me, always the Catholic guilt.) Anyway, I’m glad she knows, because I’m hoping she can protect me from stuff that could be awkward. She told hubs I might want to be aware that one of his cousins is four months pregnant right now (and she’ll be carrying a 1.5 yro and 3 yro on her two hips!). That she thought of that and how it might affect me proves that his Mom probably “gets it.” For that I am very grateful. So hopefully I don’t get seated right next to the cousin at the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night (!). But if I do, it’ll be okay. I’ll congratulate her and leave it at that….I will not be a glutton for punishment and ask her about her registry and how the pregnancy compares to her other two and what his or her name will be and if the nursery is underway. It’s not my job to make pregnant people feel good; I think they should feel pretty darn good as-is! 🙂
It’s going to be an emotional minefield of a weekend, but I am strong and tough and I’m going to make the best of it. And I don’t know if this is a healthy way to think or demented and horrible, but one thing I can count on is that the deadlines will always be there. Maybe we can have a baby while I’m still 31. Or, hey, maybe I can get pregnant while I’m 31. Or before hubs graduates from his program? Or before we leave Chicago?