I have written and deleted a couple of posts since I got back from the wedding. (Which was beautiful, fun and wonderful!) I am pretty tired of complaining on my blog. It’s a beautiful, sunshine-y day in Chicago and I should be telling you all how happy I am to be alive and enjoying my life, even thought I’m not pregnant. I should be greeting all of you with a huge smile and happy post after a week off blogging.
But instead every time I begin typing a post, it comes out whine-y and woe-is-me. I think as my consult with Dr. K approaches I’m getting more and more scared and sad about the state of my life and this TTC situation. I feel hopeless. No, nothing has changed since last time I posted….I’m just afraid this is never going to work. I think the stagnancy of being benched is just eating away at me. It gives me so much time to contemplate a hundred different worse case scenarios.
I had a dream about meeting with Dr. K on Tuesday night. I woke up crying. It has happened a few times this past week.
Here’s what I’m worried about:
1. I’m afraid my cyst won’t be gone when they check for it on Tuesday morning. If it’s still there, and they bench me, it will June at the earliest that I can cycle because of more wedding weekends.
2. I’m afraid Dr. K won’t change Dr. C’s protocol. I’m scared the clinic I’ve entrusted hubs and my life to is going to treat me like a cog in their wheel.
3. I’m scared Dr. K will completely change Dr. C’s protocol. (This poor woman can’t win!) I’m worried that her new course of action will wig me out and that I’ll second guess her.
4. I’m anxious about my lining responding to injects. If it doesn’t, this road just went from rocky and uphill to littered with boulders and completely vertical.
5. I’m afraid the dose they choose for me will be too high and I’ll get overstimmed and canceled on CD8 or CD10 or CD12 or WHENEVER. I’m afraid I will go a fifth month in a row without a chance. (Does December, with 3.2mm lining, even count as a chance? Cuz that’s all I’ve had. Are you sick of me saying that? I can’t get it out of my head.)
6. I’m terrified that even though they can’t find anything wrong with me, I will never conceive and have a baby. Bad lining. Annovulatory. Cyst-prone. Inexplicably infertile and perpetually stuck on the sidelines.
7. I’m scared I won’t be able to pick up the pieces again if 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 or 6 comes true.
I hate that I’m not telling you how wonderful the wedding was and how excited I am for a second opinion next week and how much I love my hubs and how amazing it feels to walk outside at noon on a warm spring day in Chicago. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and be the old me. The one who would’ve written a different blog. I am stressing. I am frustrated. I am scared. I am tired of waiting. I am envious of everyone who is cycling and hoping and making babies and carrying babies and raising babies and living there lives. I hate that I’m not strong, happy, hopeful….
I need a life preserver. I’m barely staying afloat.