SOS

I have written and deleted a couple of posts since I got back from the wedding. (Which was beautiful, fun and wonderful!) I am pretty tired of complaining on my blog. It’s a beautiful, sunshine-y day in Chicago and I should be telling you all how happy I am to be alive and enjoying my life, even thought I’m not pregnant. I should be greeting all of you with a huge smile and happy post after a week off blogging.

But instead every time I begin typing a post, it comes out whine-y and woe-is-me. I think as my consult with Dr. K approaches I’m getting more and more scared and sad about the state of my life and this TTC situation. I feel hopeless. No, nothing has changed since last time I posted….I’m just afraid this is never going to work. I think the stagnancy of being benched is just eating away at me. It gives me so much time to contemplate a hundred different worse case scenarios.

I had a dream about meeting with Dr. K on Tuesday night. I woke up crying. It has happened a few times this past week.

Here’s what I’m worried about:

1. I’m afraid my cyst won’t be gone when they check for it on Tuesday morning. If it’s still there, and they bench me, it will June at the earliest that I can cycle because of more wedding weekends.

2. I’m afraid Dr. K won’t change Dr. C’s protocol. I’m scared the clinic I’ve entrusted hubs and my life to is going to treat me like a cog in their wheel.

3. I’m scared Dr. K will completely change Dr. C’s protocol. (This poor woman can’t win!) I’m worried that her new course of action will wig me out and that I’ll second guess her.

4. I’m anxious about my lining responding to injects. If it doesn’t, this road just went from rocky and uphill to littered with boulders and completely vertical.

5. I’m afraid the dose they choose for me will be too high and I’ll get overstimmed and canceled on CD8 or CD10 or CD12 or WHENEVER. I’m afraid I will go a fifth month in a row without a chance. (Does December, with 3.2mm lining, even count as a chance? Cuz that’s all I’ve had. Are you sick of me saying that? I can’t get it out of my head.)

6. I’m terrified that even though they can’t find anything wrong with me, I will never conceive and have a baby. Bad lining. Annovulatory. Cyst-prone. Inexplicably infertile and perpetually stuck on the sidelines.

7. I’m scared I won’t be able to pick up the pieces again if 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 or 6 comes true.

I hate that I’m not telling you how wonderful the wedding was and how excited I am for a second opinion next week and how much I love my hubs and how amazing it feels to walk outside at noon on a warm spring day in Chicago. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and be the old me. The one who would’ve written a different blog. I am stressing. I am frustrated. I am scared. I am tired of waiting. I am envious of everyone who is cycling and hoping and making babies and carrying babies and raising babies and living there lives. I hate that I’m not strong, happy, hopeful….

I need a life preserver. I’m barely staying afloat.

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22 Comments

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22 responses to “SOS

  1. Perfectly understandable, Egg. I am most nervous before an appointment (or a scan) and only start to feel better once I leave armed with information and a plan. All this uncertainty weighs on us IFers and I have and do share many of your same fears. I am hoping you leave that appointment with a plan & hope (and no cysts . . .have I mentioned how much I hate cysts.)

  2. Al

    Oh, Egg. Big, huge, hugs to you. I’m so sorry for these thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. It is so unfair and unfathomable that you haven’t even gotten a CHANCE since December. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling down; you’re doing amazing for the position you’re in, you really are.

    I will be thinking of you and hoping you have a great consult with Dr. K next week. Hang in there.

  3. I just scheduled a second opinion for next Thursday. I’m scared that my RE has already talked about me (you know, at RE happy hour…), and that the new RE won’t change a thing. I’m worried that when I tell my current RE this afternoon that I’m getting an opinion from the new RE next week, that my current RE will call him up and tell him that I’m obnoxious and have too many questions and second guess everyone! Haha!! I am new to this second opinion stuff, and it freaks me out a little…

    You can hang on to my life preserver and we can both keep our heads above water as best we can…..

  4. Tarah

    We all hate that person we’ve turned into on the TTC – you’re not alone. It sucks. There is no happy pretty answer and that sucks too. Like your quote says:

    “Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.”— Jean Kerr

    I hope for all of us that we have a happy ending, someday soon.

    http://lovelyladybump.blogspot.com/

  5. LTB

    I totally get all of your fears. They all are valid and we don’t mind hearing your stress and whining at all! I mean you can tell your friends IRL all about the wonderful weekend you had but we are the ones who will support you with the stuff that you are not comfortable telling everyone IRL! athough of course we’d love to see some pics or hear about teh awesome weekend wedding too sometime! Keeping my toes crossed for you on Tuesday! Cyst-be-gone!!!
    LTB

  6. brianne

    don’t feel bad about complaining – IF can be so isolating and sad – and it helps to have someone to talk to, even if just a bit. thinking of you.

  7. I have a little exercise that I do when I get in these neverending loops of negativity and worry (which you can tell is quite frequently on my blog). For each of my concerns, I ask myself: “and so what.” I find that often times I just keep repeating my fears and not really exploring them. For example: I’m afraid that I won’t ever get pregnant. And so what? Well, I’ll never get to have a child of my own and I’ll never get to experience pregnancy and I’ll never see a little baby with his face and my smile. And so what? We’ll have to adopt a baby and that’s really expensive and people will always look at us and feel sorry for us because we never had our own child. And so what? That baby may never really view us as his/her parents and we can’t have the family that we want. And so what? We’ll be sad and lonely when we get older and jealous of everyone else with babies. And so what? We’ll have to find another way to share our love. You keep going and going until you can start to see the other opportunities that are available to you, because there are other opportunities. Your experience with IF can break you or it can open you to new possibilities. You have the ability to find those new opportunities. You are in charge of your life and how you find a way to deal with this challenge. You need to have faith that you will bounce back from this and you will find a way to make the most of the situation (which, believe me, may seem impossible or improbable). All I know is that the human spirit is more resilient that we think it is. Think about the people coming out of the Holocaust without any surviving family members and experiencing horrible loss. They found a way to make a new life and so can you! I hope this doesn’t come off as condescending or anything, but it’s just a little strategy that I use to get out the my negative space in my head.

  8. Your concerns and fears are totally valid, Egg, and there is nothing wrong with expressing those fears–especially on your blog. This is your sanctuary. This is a place where you can go and vent all of those things. I know you are nervous about your appointment, but I hope it goes as smoothly as possible and this doctor has a good plan for moving forward. Good luck, girlie. I’ll be thinking about you. xo

  9. Oh Egg, honestly in my book you deserve the biggest trophy ever…for being so frickin patient and just hanging in there like you’ve been doing these past fews months waiting for you turn. Seriously, you are doing amazing…you’ve been been dealt a tough hand but you’re not throwing in the cards yet. You are a fighter, and I know you’ll give this one everything you’ve got…and good things are in store for you my friend!! A yes, it’s great to remind ourselves of all the good things we’ve got going on, I definitely need to take that advice to heart…but guess what, most of us are also dying to get preggers. And when shit goes wrong or not according to plan, I think we deserve the right to bitch! So as much as I’m sure the wedding was beautiful I’d much rather here what’s really on your mind!! And I really really hope your consult goes amazing next week, and I’m sending you daily cyst shrinking vibes…it WILL be gone!!!

  10. Secret Sloper

    Oh, dear Egg, you are such a champ. Don’t worry about complaining on the blog. We NEED this space to whine and moan and cry. It’s the only way to keep the happy face on in the outside.

    All your fears make sense, and I’d have them in your situation, too. But I also believe that a door is going to open for you soon and you’ll get to the other side. I’m here for you, however long it takes!

  11. *hugs* I’m so sorry that you’ve been benched for so long and totally understand all the anxiety that would bring. I hope the appointment goes perfectly and all the best possible things happen.

  12. Oh, Egg I’m sending you a bunch of big hugs. I’ve been in that dark place where you are both scared to move forward and scared to stay still. I am here if you need me!

  13. Oh Egg, huge *hugs* headed your way. Your feelings are completely understandable and NEVER feel like you are complaining on your blog. The reason we have blogs is to vent these very real, very difficult emotions that we have, and often have to hide in our everyday lives.
    I can completely understand your fears, but I have high hopes for Dr. K and her plan to get you pregnant. Just a few more days and hopefully you’ll have a lot of answers for your upcoming cycle. Yes, you will cycle next month…I can feel it!
    Hang in there, Egg.

  14. *hugs* I’m so sorry your feeling down/scared/worried. This is your blog though, and you can write whatever you want whenever you want. We all have down entries and are upset/worried about stuff, especially during if. I hope that Dr K comes up with a plan that your comfortable with.

  15. hollytraveling

    Complain away. At this point, I feel like complaining for you. This sucks.

    And you know what, I’ve got an awesome feeling about Dr. K. I think she’s up for a total challenge and is not one to give up, or at least that’s how it appeared in your first interaction with her. I think she’s going to be the bit of hope you need, and then you’ll be back in the game.

  16. zully

    My sweet friend, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. You are so amazing and I will say a little prayer everynight for you. I hope tuesday you get amazing news and you can move foward. Lots of kisses and hugs!!

  17. We all agree that your situation absolutely SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS. If you were cheerful, I’d be really worried about you. I know I’ve said this before, but I feel like normally upbeat people take a particularly hard hit when they have to deal with a protracted period of sadness and suffering. I can see how it might make you feel worse to complain here, if only ’cause there will be documentation of your unhappiness, but if you didn’t express what you were truly feeling, I’d totally kick your blog to the curb. I’m mean like that! So if writing about your sadness gives you an ounce of comfort, don’t apologize. I also agree that pre-appointment moments are super stressful. So many possibilities to mull over, and so many of them are just awful. A while back you said you’d considered meeting with a counselor, and I don’t know whether you have done so, but if not, now could be a good time to follow up on that.

  18. Tio

    Oh Egg, I feel for you so much. What you have had to endure, and are still enduring, just seems so unfair.
    I have faith that something will work for you, that you will get your little egg one day soon.

  19. Egg, I wish I could be in Chi-town to give you the biggest hug EVER!!
    I can only imagine what you are going through and I am truly sorry for this! You are amazing and don’t deserver ANY of these awful feelings! Love you!

  20. Oh, sweet Egg! It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling this way. I think that the anticipation is always worse than the actual outcome when it comes to doctor consults and next steps, and you’ve been anticipating for a long, long time. I hope more than anything that Tuesday comes quickly for you and that the new doc can give you advise that you’re comfortable with. I wish there was more I could do from the other side of my computer… Please take care.

  21. You’re allowed to feel all of this – and yes, blog about it. There are no cookies (or babies, for that matter) for those IF bloggers who can keep their chins up and smiles on – if we can find those glimmers of good days, well hell, let’s take ’em when we can. Otherwise, this whole thing sucks all around and blogging about it is sometimes the only thing one can do. I’m so sorry about being benched – that’s just rotten. And I’m sorry about the cyst and the stress of having to schedule around weddings. Gripe, cry, whine, stamp your feet, do whatever you need to and get it out. Sometimes all we need is to take that step back to brace ourselves for the next step forward. Keep on keepin’ on, my friend…I’m here, holding your hand, treading water alongside you.

    Love,
    Maddy

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