I miss the old me

The BFN on Wednesday was expected but of course it still sucked. I got back into bed and quietly cried while hubs hugged me. But I think I bounced back pretty well. I talked myself into focusing on the positives of the cycle and tried to see the BFN as bad luck….not further proof that my body is f-ed up. I have to work hard not to think about it too much. Not to wonder if there’s more bad stuff going on with my body that I don’t know about. “Normal couples only have a 20% chance of conception each cycle.” Haven’t we all been told that a bazillion times? I know it’s true. But normal couples don’t have the meds to produce multiple follicles. And they aren’t taking Ovidrel to ensure a strong ovulation. And they aren’t having expertly prepped swimmers deposited into their uterus at the perfect time.

You know?

So I wonder…..what went wrong in May? Did my mature follie(s) hold a good egg or was it empty? Did I even ovulate? Did we time the IUI correctly? Did we fertilize an egg? Did the embryo divide correctly? Was my lining too thin for implantation? Did an embie try to implant? Did it start to and then stop? What went wrong? Everything? Nothing? Bad luck? And so on and so forth.

******

So I went to CD2 monitoring very early this morning and unfortunately the injects left me with a cyst on the right ovary. Once again, I expected it. I mean, I pretty much talk about my cysts and benched months ad nauseum. But it still hit me pretty hard. I was secretly hoping for a miracle….that I could begin injecting tomorrow night and numb myself—to the questions I posed above—with a fresh start and some hope.

But my body let me down again. My body can’t ovulate. It doesn’t produce LH like it should. It has trouble with its lining. It can’t get pregnant. And it develops cysts and benches me. Over and over again.

*****

I used to be very proud of my body. How it can run marathons and bike for hours and swim more than a mile and walk all day. How it carries groceries and lifts weights effortlessly. How it sits at a desk all day and works hard. How it sleeps soundly. How it still can play soccer and basketball and tennis 13 years after I stopped playing competitively. How much love it is capable of. How motivated and disciplined and overachieving it can be. This year has slowly eroded my confidence and love for my body. My body keeps letting me down. It feels weak and fragile and jealous and lonely and….broken. I don’t even recognize it most days. Especially not on monitoring days.

So I’m doing something crazy tomorrow morning. I got a last minute entry into the 10-mile Memorial Day Weekend run I’ve done every year since I moved to Chicago. It will undoubtedly be my slowest 10 miles, EVER. I am not trained or even close to prepared. I’ve run once in the past 2.5 weeks. But I think I can finish the distance and I want to participate in a race—where I feel happy and comfortable and hopeful and excited and joyful. I want to feel the sore muscles all weekend long and remember that my body can accomplish awesome things.

I need to remind myself what my body is good at. Because I am losing faith in it by the day and it’s breaking my heart.

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29 Comments

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29 responses to “I miss the old me

  1. balancingbrianne

    hi egg. i wanted to click thru google reader to let you know how much this post inspired me – and made me think about my feelings about my body through TTC. i’ve had a lot of self-hatred and only recently, getting back into running and strength training, am i feeling more friendly toward myself. you made me think – thanks : )

  2. Egg, I am so sorry for the news about the cyst. I was hoping so much that you could squeeze in an IUI before your next trip. You are understandably knocked down by this. And that’s ok. These cycles take so much out of us. I know I was my most low not on beta day, but a few days after. I think it just hits us when we’re faced with the reality of trying again.
    You have so much to be proud of. Yes, you’re having trouble getting pregnant, but that doesn’t in any way minimize the amazign achievements you’ve reached so far. Motherhood will of course be the best, and it will be so worth all the waiting and trying.
    Huge, huge hugs, Egg.
    PS I think it’s AWESOME that you’re doing the 10-miler this year. I did it for the first time last year and LOVED it. My favorite race ever. The weather will be great and you will feel so awesome after 10-miles along beautiful Lake Michigan complete with a stadium finish.

  3. first off, sending *hugs*. secondly, yaay on the 10 mile run for tomorrow! who cares how fast or slow you go, i’m sure it’ll make you feel wonderful by the end that you got to do it.

    i’m so sorry about the cyst. while i don’t have experience with cysts, i can totally empathize on your body letting you down part. i swam competitively since i was 5 through college, and i now do yoga 3-4 times a week, i eat healthy, i sleep 9-10 hours a night, i don’t drink or smoke or do drugs. i take all my vitamins and am trying to be as stress free as possible. yet, i don’t f*cking OVULATE and it makes me crazeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! i look at envy with all the girls who at the very least ovulate once a month, bc at least they have a *chance*. my only chances are when i do ivf, and that just kills me!

    so, i understand your frustrations completely right now. i’m sooo sorry you’re being benched this month. i’m *crossing fingers* for you that the next iui brings about the desired result :o)

  4. Al

    God, Egg, I am so pissed that yet again you’re benched. I was hoping that it was jut clomid that gave you cysts and injects would be magic. Grrr.

    But, this 10 miler?! Awesome idea. I know that you will feel accomplished and happy and crazy endorphins flowing afterward. Enjoy 😀

    Big hugs. And I can’t wait to have dinner next Fri with you and the rest of the gang.

  5. lifebytheday

    This post really struck a chord with me, so thank you. I have very similar feelings about my body and it’s just not something that anyone else (besides an IF-er) can understand.

    Good luck with the race this weekend…and fingers crossed for a quick-shrinking cyst!

  6. Sorry to hear about the cyst, that you’re benched again. I can’t do half of your triathlon and am just trying to be at peace with the way my body is. And then it fails to get pregnant… it’s hard. Sometimes bearable, sometimes incredibly difficult. I hope the race makes you feel better (and the cyst disappear).

  7. SO so sorry about the cyst 😦 It’s all just so unfair. I completely understand you feeling the way you do, and being mad at our bodies for failing us. It’s understandable but upsetting 😦

    REALLY excited for your 10 miler though! Way to make the most of your time off and enjoy something you’ve always loved!

  8. I’m so sorry about the cyst, I so know that feeling of needing to jump right back into things if only to try and forget about the last BFN and focus on the next month. So I think your plan to run this weekend is awesome and just what you need during the break. Take advantage of all those things your body is SO frickin good at!

    And all those questions you were wondering about your cycle, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about that. Like if someone could just tell me what is going on, where its going wrong I would have felt better. But when its all so unknown its so frickin hard. Month after month I had what seemed like perfect potential IUIs and nothing…i just felt broken and it sucked so I can totally relate. Hang in there egg, hope this cysts shrinks fast and you have a great race!!!

  9. Ohhh, I’m so sorry this wasn’t the one for you! I’m really really sorry…. and I know what you mean about mistrusting your body. How can we work so well in all ways but that critical one??? I’m totally baffled myself. I am still happy that you did get a 2ww, and am super hopeful that other 2ww’s are to follow. Waiting for that cyst to go away has to be so so hard! Unfair.

  10. leslie

    I didn’t mean to sound joyful over here– I meant to sound sympathetic! 😦

    I guess I am starting to be hopeful, as much as I don’t want to… Arghhh! When will it end???

  11. It baffles me how people like you and me, who take good care of their bodies and stay healthy, have to deal with infertility. The cyst is bad news and I’m sorry you have to deal with that again. As far as why the IUI didn’t take, you know you’ll never know. I tried to avoid that thinking trap with the miscarriage last month. There is no knowing.

    As far as the Chi-Town marathon- you go girl! I love, love, love Chicago and hope that someday I will be able to run that race.

    {hugs},
    Renae from Launderlife
    Personal blog: http://launderlife.wordpress.com

  12. I am so sorry 😦 It just sucks and there is nothing more you can say. So I won’t because i waffle between what I want to hear from other people day to day! Good Luck with your run! You Rock!

  13. JC

    I’m so sorry that you’re benched Egg. =( I wish you could try right away again. I’ll be thinking about you this month.

    On the flip side I’m really happy that you were able to enter that race for tomorrow!!! How awesome?! I hope you have a great time and enjoy feeling your awesom muscles all weekend =).

  14. zully

    Big hug my friend! I’m sorry that you have a cyst but take this month to focus on other things. I think what you are doing this weekend is amazing. You are going to feel great about your body. Good luck!!

  15. I’m sorry bestie! I don’t know any words of wisdom to make this better, but I will be thinking of you in the run today and be mentally pushing you along! No matter what be proud of yourself! I am!

  16. I can 100% identify with this post. I used to be proud of my body, too!! It was awesome to finish marathons and other races and feel strong and accomplished. Now I struggle with what you’re saying- I’m not proud or confident in what my body can do right now. It’s a very not-cool place to be, but hopefully somehow I can muster some confidence somewhere as far as baby-making body capabilities go. Praying for you- I’m so thankful that you’re here- it’s awesome to be able to swap stories/struggles with someone who is (was, in my case) a long distance runner.

  17. Egg, I think you’re awesome. This post was so articulate and you nailed what so many of us have felt. I also think your body’s awesomely athletic and full of life. (Don’t think I’m talking to you though, cyst, I hate you.) And your spirit, the one that’s pushing you to run a race with no training, is admirable. It’s really not fair that you have to go through this.

  18. I totally get what you’re saying. Not about running marathons, because I can barely run a 1/4 mile, but about A) wishing I knew what was going on inside my lady parts (i.e. are my eggs any good? are they fertilizing? are they going where they are supposed to? are they implanting? what’s the problem?) and B) being able to go right back into another cycle is SOOOOO much better for one’s mental health than being benched.

    I like to have a nice cocktail when things aren’t going my way. But if you like to run 10 miles (gaw! I can’t even imagine!), then you run 10 miles! Have fun!

  19. Ugh. Sorry. Boooooo cyst.

    I hear you on the body stuff – it’s just so mysterious. WTF is wrong with all of us?!

    “So I wonder…..what went wrong in May? Did my mature follie(s) hold a good egg or was it empty? Did I even ovulate? Did we time the IUI correctly? Did we fertilize an egg? Did the embryo divide correctly? Was my lining too thin for implantation? Did an embie try to implant? Did it start to and then stop? What went wrong? Everything? Nothing? Bad luck? And so on and so forth.”

    It’s taken me a long time to wrap my head around IVF, but this paragraph makes me think of what Dr. Lovely has said to me – that IVF removes most of the barriers to conception, and there is less mystery. As I am trying to gear up once again for my first IVF, I know there are no guarantees, but that the chances will be improved. I am curious about what your new RE will recommend – maybe, in light of the cysts, it’s better to get more bang for your buck when you have a clear shot and do IVF instead of IUI?

    I’m glad you’re running in the marathon – feeling healthy and good goes a long way!

    Love,
    Maddy

  20. Kate

    I’m so sorry about the cyst. And, I know what you mean about missing the old you….missing the you that was excited about being pregnant and dreamed about what it would be like to have a baby together and how much fun it would be. All I can tell you is that … someday… this current you will be a distant memory and you will believe in yourself again, but this time, you will believe in yourself because you were able to survive one of the darkest period in your life. You will believe in your marriage because you were able to survive this period together. And, you will have a keener sense of empathy, and realize that nothing in life should be taken for granted.

    Cyst–BE GONE!!!

  21. Egg, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down. I know the feeling of “Why isn’t this working? What’s wrong with me? This should work?” It’s like the soundtrack to my life. And I HATE that you’re on a break again. This is just so maddening. You are amazing at keeping your spirits up and so to see you fall is even harder than it is with other people. I wish we could hang out and drink and beer and just say screw it to all this shit.

    I hope the race was fun and helped you feel a little bit like that girl you used to be.

  22. Ugh, I am so sorry about your cyst. Even though you sorta expected it, it stinks. I think the same thing too about that 20% statistic.

    That is so awesome that you are running in the marathon. I am sending you good vibes. I hope you it brings some happiness back for you.

  23. hollytraveling

    Another cyst? Noooooo. Bummer.

    I think signing up for that run was an amazing idea. That’s why you rock, Egg. This whole process sucks, and you’ve been slogging through obstacle after obstacle, going through hell, yet you’re determined not to let it beat you down or take away what you know and love of yourself. Even if that’s a super hard thing to do. Inspiring. I hope you enjoyed the run.

    And, I’m very sorry.

  24. *hugs hugs hugs* I really hoped you enjoyed the race, it sounds like the perfect idea right now. Enjoy what your body can do right now – I wish mine could run like yours and play sports like yours. I’m a little bit lazier though…haha.

  25. Like everyone else has said, this idea is absolutely brilliant! BRILLIANT! I hope it had the desired effect!

  26. Oh Egg. I’m so sorry for the news about your cyst. That’s all I’m going to say about that, because there’s nothing else that can be said that makes it any better.

    And as for your race… YOU ROCK!!! Have a blast. Don’t worry about your time. Just enjoy every minute of that wind in your face.

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