Hello my bloggie friends. Sorry I’ve been AWOL. This break is kicking my as*! I have all sorts of fun stuff to write up—how I’m running and riding my bike like crazy, how I spent the weekend planting veggies and herbs and flowers and otherwise beautifying our back and front porches, how I’ve been cooking up a storm, how work has been insane but awesome lately—but the truth is that whenever I try to write a post, my frustration, fear and general malaise get in the way.
And I can’t bear to dwell—via writing—on all of those feelings, so I’ve been stifling myself quite a bit. I am sad. I am scared. I am sick and tired of doing nothing. I feel ill looking at the baby stroller in my 6-flat apartment building’s lobby every time I walk up or down the stairs. (Dude, when is that kid going to be too big for the stroller?) I am dreading the wedding in two weeks in which I will be trapped in a tiny B&B with all of my new-Mom college friends and their babies. I gave up acupuncture (for the second time, haha) because I’ve started to dread the weekly reminder that no matter how many needles are stuck into my body, it still doesn’t work. I feel like everything is a reminder of how busted I am and how scared I am that I will never be the lucky bloggie on the other side. Even reading blogs and logging onto Twitter is a reminder. There is so much joy and hope and happiness out there and I feel like a dark rain cloud brooding in the distance.
I know that this is mostly the break month talking: I just have too much time to be “in” my head and it turns me into a selfish, fragile, shadow of the person I thought I was, who clings to hubs for dear life. It feels like the whole world is moving forward and I’m just STUCK, trying to shake off the fear and the envy. I know this is some SERIOUS drama for a stupid bench month. I’m sure there are folks reading this and thinking, Geez! Relax already! Eh. To all of you: I totally and completely agree. It’s just, you know, I don’t get a chance to ovulate very often and, darnit, I am struggling.
And, alas, I’ve succeeded in writing the exact post I’ve been trying to avoid…I just had to re-title it. Unfortunately, right now, writing about my life makes me feel worse about it—not better. (Maybe when I press “publish” I’ll feel a little better. Or maybe you guys can cheer me up just a tad. And it’s okay if not. 🙂 )
Just wanted to wave hello and assure you that I am chugging along. And that I’m totally rooting for, and thinking about, all of you, even if I’m not as active and talkative on your blogs as I so want to be. I love you guys and I’m cheering for you from my little corner of the universe! I’m sure I’ll bounce back, probably—as my bench months tend to go—the closer I get to the end. xo