Alas, the post I’ve been trying to avoid

Hello my bloggie friends. Sorry I’ve been AWOL. This break is kicking my as*! I have all sorts of fun stuff to write up—how I’m running and riding my bike like crazy, how I spent the weekend planting veggies and herbs and flowers and otherwise beautifying our back and front porches, how I’ve been cooking up a storm, how work has been insane but awesome lately—but the truth is that whenever I try to write a post, my frustration, fear and general malaise get in the way.

And I can’t bear to dwell—via writing—on all of those feelings, so I’ve been stifling myself quite a bit. I am sad. I am scared. I am sick and tired of doing nothing. I feel ill looking at the baby stroller in my 6-flat apartment building’s lobby every time I walk up or down the stairs. (Dude, when is that kid going to be too big for the stroller?) I am dreading the wedding in two weeks in which I will be trapped in a tiny B&B with all of my  new-Mom college friends and their babies. I gave up acupuncture (for the second time, haha) because I’ve started to dread the weekly reminder that no matter how many needles are stuck into my body, it still doesn’t work. I feel like everything is a reminder of how busted I am and how scared I am that I will never be the lucky bloggie on the other side. Even reading blogs and logging onto Twitter is a reminder. There is so much joy and hope and happiness out there and I feel like a dark rain cloud brooding in the distance.

I know that this is mostly the break month talking: I just have too much time to be “in” my head and it turns me into a selfish, fragile, shadow of the person I thought I was, who clings to hubs for dear life. It feels like the whole world is moving forward and I’m just STUCK, trying to shake off the fear and the envy. I know this is some SERIOUS drama for a stupid bench month. I’m sure there are folks reading this and thinking, Geez! Relax already! Eh. To all of you: I totally and completely agree. It’s just, you know, I don’t get a chance to ovulate very often and, darnit, I am struggling.

And, alas, I’ve succeeded in writing the exact post I’ve been trying to avoid…I just had to re-title it. Unfortunately, right now, writing about my life makes me feel worse about it—not better. (Maybe when I press “publish” I’ll feel a little better. Or maybe you guys can cheer me up just a tad. And it’s okay if not. 🙂 )

Just wanted to wave hello and assure you that I am chugging along. And that I’m totally rooting for, and thinking about, all of you, even if I’m not as active and talkative on your blogs as I so want to be. I love you guys and I’m cheering for you from my little corner of the universe! I’m sure I’ll bounce back, probably—as my bench months tend to go—the closer I get to the end. xo

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19 Comments

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19 responses to “Alas, the post I’ve been trying to avoid

  1. i hear your frustrations. being the bitter b*tch that i am, i made a complaint about the baby stroller in the hallway on my floor few months ago (they are NOT allowed in common areas!!!) bc i kept wanting to cry looking at it everyday (it has since disappeared, thank you very much).

    and acupuncture – i keep asking my acupuncturist WHEN these magical needles are going to make me ovulate on my own! she keeps saying “be patient”, but seriously, i’m getting pissed off. i’ve spent way over $5000 at this point on treatments and ovulation is still missing. i need a date. an exact date that it will appear!!

    i hope, as a reward for our struggles, that we end up with *extra cute*, very well behaved babies. that better be the silver lining in all of this!! :o)

  2. oops, i pressed send before i was ready. hang in there babes. being benched is the worst thing in the world. i’m not quite sure how i’m staying sane between ivf’s, bc these last few months have been painfully slow. i’ve been distracting myself by self diagnosing myself with a zillion issues. this is what happens to me when i’m benched.

  3. Egg, I missed you! But I am not going to tell you to suck it up and get over it. No way! You have every right to feel frustrated, upset, depressed, angry, jealous, left-out, bitter, hopeful…whatever it is you feel right now. None of us is perfect in a decidedly unperfect situation.

    I want you to be the bloggy on the other side soon. I’m rooting for you, too.

  4. I’ve missed you and I’m happy to see you post, but I’m sad that you are feeling stuck. If it makes you feel better, I’m stuck in the same place you are. This whole situation just sucks, and it’s okay to be upset and miserable. Hell, I’m miserable and you know what they say: misery loves company. So if you ever need to vent, shoot me an e-mail.

    We’ll get to the other side someday. We have to.

    xo

  5. As a giant wallower myself, it is absolutely okay to sit and feel what you’re feeling. Honor the hurt parts of you. Honor the disappointed parts of you. They all deserve attention and time to express themselves.

    But I will say you are NOT busted. You are exquisite. You work, just not exactly as we would like at the right time. But it will work.

    I wish I could see you tomorrow and give you a big hug.

  6. Hey Egg,
    I may not be able to cheer you up, but I am thinking about you and willing this break to hurry the f*** up so you can start cycling again. Hang on to those good moments if you can.

  7. *hugs* I’m sorry your having such a hard time. Break months are hard. I know it. We have all been there. Try not to beat yourself up too much. You rock.

  8. Hugs. I’m sorry that you keep getting benched. It’s just not fair, and you have every right to wallow in that.

  9. JC

    ((Hugs)) Eggie!!!

  10. Oh, I’m sending you many hugs. I can understand the feeling of wanting to step back from reading blogs and seeing everyone’s news. It can be overwhelming and disappointing to see others making progress, even if their progress is not successful. I’ll be thinking of you.

  11. You WILL be the bloggie on the other side- I just know it (and may be possibly if I could join you there that would be great k- thanks). I love reading your blog because you so eloquently put what I am sure we are all feeling!! Chin up!

  12. hollytraveling

    Oh lady, trust me you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I have a one-week lapse in getting my LH surge and I hit the panic switch. I have no idea what it’s like to be benched as much as you have, and I still go through weeks of my own private hell. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

    You do what you need to do to keep yourself sane and happy. We’ll all be here when you’re ready. Just know that you have a lot of support behind you.

    Not sure if that cheered you up. Wish I had a good joke or something.

  13. AL

    Oh, Egg, I so know what you mean when you feel like the whole world is flying by and you’re stuck on the bench watching it all. It SUCKS. You have every reason to feel frustrated, angry, sad, and to kick the sh!t out of that baby stroller once in a while.

    Hang in there.

  14. I hope pushing the “publish” button eased your mind and magically made you feel better bestie!! Love you!

  15. Thanks for letting us know you’re still alive… Your suffering has been extra prolonged, and it’s hard to imagine how you could be anything but morose. And yeah, how are you supposed to get out of bed if you’re surrounded by constant reminders that life is moving forward for others? You were supposed to be moving forward too, with an even better, tailored-to-you protocol! AAAAARRRRRGGG!

    So I bet that totally cheered you up. Anyway, my thoughts are with you, hoping the time passes quickly and you find a little sunshine somewhere.

  16. Aw egg, huge hugs to you!! I’m so sorry about the benching, it’s so unfair and frustrating. I mean dealing with all the other crap when you’re cycling is enough to make you crazy, but dealing with waiting just so you can finally deal with the other stuff…well that just plain sucks. So do whatever you need to get through this month, and we’ll all be willing it to hurry the eff up so you can get back to cycling!! I am rooting so hard for you egg. Thinking of you!!

  17. Oh, also, don’t feel bad about giving up acupuncture. I HATE ACUPUNCTURE. This surprised me as I love all expensive spa-type services, but it made me feel like a human pin cushion. I figured if I was so unrelaxed and upset by it, that it could not be beneficial. I went three times back in January and quit. Screw you acupuncture!

  18. I’m sorry you’re feeling stuck (though it’s hard to imagine otherwise when you’re benched). Hang in there. Hope you find some good distractions for this month, and an awesome protocol for the next.

  19. Kate

    Arg! Waiting f’ing sucks. And, I hear you about the blogging malaise….as if the moment you go to type something all you can remember is the nasty sh*t that is happening in your life. B/c all the fun activities are basically just fluff. You can learn to survive and appear happy and, in fact, you might find a few moments in each day where you *are* actually happy…but the unknowing of it all does eventually seep in and contaminate everything. Sigh. These days are a yoke, a practice, to remind yourself of later in life when you go through another horrible experience…at least that’s what I tell myself when I can’t freaking stand waiting anymore.

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