The dream

This has happened before—in various ways, shapes and forms—but I’ve never written about it. In the wee morning hours of the morning I had a dream that hubs and I had a very chubby baby boy. We decided to name him Samuel and to call him “Sam,” for short. (Which is exactly the kind of one syllable nickname I think I’d love to shout during a soccer game.) I picked him up and hugged him and felt like my heart might burst with love.

Do you know how the dream ended? I was getting out my phone to text my friend in NYC, my one and only friend who knows all about our IF stuff, to tell her it finally happened. We finally had a baby. I was literally TEXTING her the news, and as I typed the words I woke up.

At first I thought it really happened—that we had a beautiful baby named Sam. For maybe 20 seconds I was in bed enjoying this blissful feeling of relief and joy and love and excitement. And then I turned over and saw the rain pounding against the bedroom window and I remembered: We don’t have a baby. We aren’t pregnant. I don’t ovulate. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The IUI didn’t work. I’m on BCPs. (Seriously, you can think all of that stuff in an instant.)

What I am: perhaps slightly-tearfully-semi-depressed. Kinda struggling to deal with myself or work or normal life stuff. Going crazy on the bench. Aching for a little Sam, yet so very very very far away.

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22 Comments

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22 responses to “The dream

  1. This post made me cry. 😦 Because I know what this feels like–to dream about having a baby only to discover that it’s just a dream. I am so sorry you are feeling depressed. It’s hard not to sometimes. It’s such a vicious cycle. Some days are filled with hope, and others just let us down. I hope that the dream of your beautiful baby boy comes true soon. You deserve it.

    xo

  2. Gosh, have I been there. I have had so many dreams that I really really thought were real, dreams of babies and joy. And then woke up and there was no baby at all. I’m sorry. That is a horrible feeling.

  3. I cant totally empathize with dreams like this. They leave me in a sad fog afterwards. I’m sorry 😦 *hug*

  4. This is a heartbreaking post. I know *exactly* how you feel…the rush of relief you feel when you think it’s all over and you have your baby and then the crash when you realize it was just a dream. One day, hopefully very soon, this will no longer be a dream. (((hugs)))

  5. Very weird.. I had a dream about a chubby baby boy last night too. I was carrying him around and he was soo heavy. But he wasn’t mine.. even in the dream he was my friends child.

  6. i’ve had a few similar dreams about having a baby girl. cute and chubby. i was livid when i woke up bc i wanted it to be true so badly and the dream was soooo vivid that i remember feeling relieved that we finally had a baby.

    hmm, if you end up with a boy and me with a girl, i will assume that we are both part witch :o)

  7. Little Sam. He’ll be so cute. You will cheer for him at soccer games. He will give you a big hug after he scores his first goal.

    I know this dream will come true for you one day …unless Sam turns out to be Samantha 🙂 Hold on to those moments of peace and joy.

  8. Oh Egg. This is heartbreaking. I hope Sam comes into your life soon.
    A few days ago I had a dream in which I attended a seminar on IVF. Only that I wasn’t doing IVF, just the other woman in the seminar. Weird.

  9. Egg, I’m so sorry. I’ve been there, too. When that dream just FEELS so damn real and then it’s taken away so fast. I, too, feel that semi-depressed feeling quite often, mostly after I get another BFN. And I have to throw myself another pity party. But the dreams, I like to think, mean something. Maybe that chubby baby is on his way, finally. There’s something to be said about our crazy subconscious, right? 🙂

  10. *Cries her eyes out. Can’t type because eyes are lying on carpet.*

    I don’t mean to suggest that I know what you’re going through–I know it’s hard in a way I can’t fully appreciate–the ambiguity, the endless wait, the confusing results, the glacial progress. But I am finding that my forced break is making me hopeless in an all new way. Like it’s completely unfathomable that I’ll ever have this experience. So I’m just saying I relate to staring out at the rain and aching. And I’m sorry. I wish you didn’t have to go through this.

  11. sangela71

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sucks.

    I am at a point where babies aren’t even in my dreams anymore. I guess even my subconscious mind is convinced now that I will never have a baby. 😦

  12. JC

    OMG! I’m so sorry. I know how those type of dreams feel. I’ve had similar ones before and they feel SO real it’s not even funny. You’re so happy one minute until you realise it’s not real. =( Sucks so bad. I hope you’re ok today, I was upset all day the last time it happened. Maybe it’s a sign of things to come though? I tell myself that, lol. ((hugs))

  13. Those dreams are so heartbreaking/heartwrenching/brutal… but in a beautiful (while it’s happening) way. The love you feel in the dream is so real, so genuine, and it has this habit of sticking with you even after waking. It feels like a loss, and in a way it is. I’ve had a few dreams of pregnancy and babies, but one haunts me still. The detail of the child’s face, the way I felt when I first laid eyes on her… I wanted to disappear back into that dream. I wish I had something encouraging to say, but the best I can offer is a hug, and (like the other commenters) the knowledge that you’re not completely alone in this.

  14. AL

    Wow, Egg, what an intense and vivid….and brutal dream.

    I hope that the dream becomes reality so very soon. I’m with you that it seems so very, very far way.

  15. Mara

    I’m so sorry. It’s so unfair.

    I have had dreams like that, too. And thought all that stuff in an instant (it’s so weird how you can do that).

    I hope the rest of the BCPs goes fast. And, tomorrow is your consult with Dr. Awesome. Hope it goes well and you can get a fresh start!

  16. It feel so far away for me, too. Light years. A baby? Like, what? No way!!! Not for me. It just doesn’t seem possible.

    But it IS and it will work for you one of these days. I have super high hopes for you, because anovulation is eminently fixable.

    I am glad you had a few moments to experience that delicious dream…

  17. Kate

    Hi there–I’m aching right with you. Struggling to make it through the day. Sam will come. It will just take time and money to find him. But, believe me, is so f’ing easy to say. The only thing we can control in this situation is ourselves.

  18. Kate

    P.S. I had dreams about my Nate, and I found him. Weirdly, I had a dream about my nasty RE the other day. I think it was foreboding.

  19. So sorry the dream had to end and that it wasn’t real life. I really like the name you chose in your dream. Very pretty. Some day it will be true. Don’t give up hope.

  20. HEY, no fair taking one of my favorite boy names!! I think we’ve all had a similar dream at some point- it sucks to wake up for sure. Hoping that our babies are even more amazing in person than they are in our dreams (HUG)

  21. Those dreams can be so crippling. I’ve had them so many times, and it’s just incredibly harsh when reality sets back in.

    Hugs.

  22. hollytraveling

    Love the name. I think the dream is a sign of hope. Hoping you don’t have to wait too much longer.

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