A fly on the wall

There is a staging room at clinic #1 where women wait for their ultrasounds during early morning monitoring. While one woman is getting her u/s done, you are shown into the room, given a sheet, and then you undress and wait in a curtained off stall. The ultrasound room is riiiight next door so you can hear exactly how the woman in front of you is doing, where she is in her cycle, etc. Then she comes out, you get called back, and after she changes someone else is shown into the room to wait for her turn while your ultrasound is completed.

Today there was a couple in front of me, getting their “10 day” ultrasound. (Not to be confused with the VERY different CD10 ultrasound.) I sat on my little stool and tried everything under the sun to distract myself from hearing what was going on in that room….I played Wurdle, checked email, etc etc. But darnit if those walls aren’t as thin as paper…I could hear every single word. The congratulations and hugging between the u/s tech and the newly pregnant woman. The congratulations as Dr. C came in to do the u/s. The talk about symptoms (No spotting, great! Feeling nausea already, great sign! A little crampiness, perfectly normal!). The measurements (on sked). The lining (thick and healthy). The heartbeat (110bpm). The calculation of due date (February 22). More hugs and congratulations as she left the room. My eyes uncontrollably welled up with tears.

Bloggies, why in the world do I respond that way? I should feel hope that success was literally sitting a few feet from me. I should feel relief that clinic #1 is getting patients pregnant. This woman is a fellow infertile and lord only knows what horrible-ness she and her husband have suffered to get to this point. It’s not jealously. I think it’s mostly fear. Fear that I will never, ever know that joy and happiness. Fear that I’m too busted to ever conceive. Fear that I will never be pregnant. Fear about my lining. Fear about my egg quality. Fear about conception. Fear about implantation.

Fear that the closest I’ll ever be to a “10 day” ultrasound is the stool in the staging room.

*****

In, ahem, better news. My lining woke up over the weekend! He’s back up to 6mm. (Yeah, my lining is a “he,” go figure.) I even have some measureable follies! I’ve got one 12mm-er and a 10er on rightie. Leftie has four little guys clocking in at 10mm. My guess is we will continue my slooooow and steaaaaaady stimming protocol (37.5iu Luveris in the a.m., 75iu Gonal-F in the p.m.) and I’ll be injecting for a while longer. I am getting a little tired of the injections (I’m on my 11th day of stimming) and monitoring, but my lining could definitely use extra time to improve so I’m assuming it’s a blessing that I’m a slow responder.

Friday did open up Pandora’s Box with my lining weirdness. I had pretty decent control over my intense lining anxiety after I got up to 7.6mm last cycle, but Friday brought the dangers of thin lining back into the spotlight. I’m afraid I’ll lose a couple of millimeters again by the next monitoring appointment. Or that he’s maxed out at 6mm. I don’t feel confident or home free with my lining. Hubs suggested instead of going into “worry” mode, I try to embrace the good news when I get it. And it IS good news. Going from 3.6mm to 6.0mm in three days is awesome for me. Truly! I am very, very grateful today. Hopefully as the follies continue to grow I can fluff up even more.

*****

Dear woman in front of me in the u/s line this morning,

I am incredibly happy for you! The joy you and your husband expressed took my breath away. I have read about early pregnancy ultrasounds in blog-land, but the reality was even more special and miraculous than I had imagined. It was incredible to hear the intimate details of the miracle of life you are carrying. I wish you all the very best for a wonderful pregnancy.

Oh, one more thing. I hope and pray that you left me some baby dust in the staging room. 🙂

xoxo,

Egg

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17 Comments

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17 responses to “A fly on the wall

  1. I’m happy your lining plumped back up!!

    I think any pregnancy news for anyone, infertile or not, hits like a punch in the gut at first. Then, for me at least, when it’s an infertile I kind of calm down, but if it’s not an infertile there can be a week of crying. Ugh, sorry you had to listen to their ultrasound!

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you this cycle.

  2. Yay for better lining! (And of course your lining is a he. Only men are that stubborn.) I hope it continues to improve before the next appointment.

    I agree with The Baby Race about pregnancy announcements. It’s hard to cope, no matter who it is. But I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they left some baby dust behind in the u/s room for you. 🙂

  3. Tarah

    First of all – CONGRATS on that AWESOME lining! Look at that! I’m thrilled for you. And maybe you were emotional because you’re nearing O and your hormones are all over the place and maybe they did leave you some baby dust.

    My fingers are always crossed for you.

  4. Yay for Mr. lining perking up over the weekend…hopefully he keeps it up along with your follies. Grow grow grow!! And wow, that would be so hard. I mean announcements are bad enough, but basically being in the room while someone does their first u/s…that is a lot to take in!! I’m totally hoping that you sucked up all their leftover baby dust during your u/s!! Keeping you in my thoughs Egg!

  5. grow follies grow!!! grow lining grow!!

    i remember going to my OB after we’d been trying for a few months and no ovulation. there was a girl sitting across from me in the waiting room with her husband. and she was glowing. ugh, “what’s that b*tch so happy about?” was all i kept thinking. duh. it was an ob’s office. she ended up being in the room next to me and the doctor saw her first. paperthin walls would be an understatement. she got knocked up without trying (grrr) and they were sooo young that it pissed me off.

    i wonder what ppl have heard through the walls about me. nothing interesting, i imagine.

    anyways, thinking of you and telling the universe to send some sticky dust your way (i have to tell the universe and not do it myself bc i obviously have no sticky dust of my own to send) :o)

  6. Oh yeah, I hate other people’s happiness, particularly in the REs office. While it wouldn’t exactly be accurate to describe it as a *safe* place (particularly not mine, where the regular OB ultrasound is just outside the door, so there are always tons of pregnant women around), it does feel like a place where everyone should be comrades in arms, you know? But instead, it’s just another place where other people get good news. You were able to return to a place of generosity and compassion really quickly, though! It usually takes me a day…

    Meanwhile, great news on the lining and follicles! I wish you didn’t have to keep at it for so long, but as long as you have a decent shot this cycle, I’m hoping you’ll feel like it was worth it.

  7. Holy crap! I can’t imagine having to hear other peoples’ ultrasounds at every visit and knowing that others are hearing mine. They must be SUPER busy to set it up that way. That or they need a new office suite. Congrats for keeping your wits about you!

  8. Egg, you are such a dear soul. I know how hard it is to feel hopeful and happy for others getting good news. It seems like they have no connection to us and our crappy situations. Even if they were just in it! I can get a little bent out of shape even when bloggy friends get their BFPs. But I snap out of it quickly and try to focus on the hopeful aspects, just like you did.

    You are going to be that lucky woman in the u/s room hearing the heartbeat one day, too. I know it.

    In the meantime, yay lining! Grow!

  9. At my clinic, the whole waiting room could hear what was happening in the u/s room. It was more than a little awkward. When I went for my first pregnancy u/s, I actually asked my nurse to whisper because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

    Anyways, yay for your lining!!!

  10. AL

    When I went in for my final blood draw for the ectopic, I witnessed the hugs and happiness of a couple getting released from the RE to the OB. Hugs and celebration abound. It made me feel so empty inside and so far from that kind of happiness. I think hearing the play by play of an actual ultrasound would have been much worse.

    Yay for your lining and follies!! Hope both continue to grow and this month is it, egg 🙂

  11. Sweet Egg, fantastic news about your lining– I know that it’s hard to believe that more good news is on the way, but for today, let’s celebrate 6mm!!

    Pregancy announcements, when they’re not yours, hit you like a punch in the stomach– infertile or not. You are a strong, strong woman to find hope in this other woman’s joy. XOXO.

  12. So glad your lining woke up! I knew it would. Your reaction to that girl is normal. It isn’t fair, but it’s normal. I would have reacted the same way.

    My center is different in that there is a waiting room where people waiting for their scans and blood work sit. There are three different rooms where people get scanned and we get called off to go change in the room we are assigned to when it’s our turn.

  13. Mara

    There are no words for how annoying that staging room is. Seriously. I had the exact. same. experience in November 2008 – I remember the date because Dr. C and the parents-to-be and what sounded like their entire extended family were discussing the newly-elected Obamas for about 15 mins while I sat in the staging room with my pants off. (And then went in to get my cycle cancelled! Even more fun!)

    Anyway. Sorry, you awakened some old crankiness. 🙂

    I’m so, so glad your lining woke up!!!! Hopefully it won’t be long before you can trigger!

  14. Tio

    There’s bound to be some variation in lining thickness – the techs are only human after all. I think it’s great that it was back up at the last US, here’s hoping that it continues that way. Good luck!

  15. First, awesome news on your lining. I knew “he” would get “his” act together! Phew.
    Sorry about the poorly constructed ultrasound room walls – I can imagine it made a stressful situation (monitoring) even worse.

  16. Oh Egg, that post just rang so true to how I feel sometimes. Because I haven’t gone to an RE yet (going on thursday- freaking out), I am stuck at the regular OB waiting for my procedures. I see all the women and husbands come out with their roll of pictures and I start tearing up. I agree with you completely that the reaction is fear. I don’t have any negative feelings toward these people- but hey is it ever going to be me?????
    Awesome news about your lining!!!!

  17. Kate

    Hey–I can’t believe that you don’t have more privacy?! I think these feelings of jealousy are normal. And, we tend to feel like it is a zero-sum game, as in if someone gets pregnant it has some impact on our chances of pregnancy, but that’s not true. If it makes you feel better, I got EXTREMELY p*ssed at the woman in line in front of me signing in for monitoring. She had a little 12-13 month old and had brought in brownies for the nurses. Explaining to the nurse, she said “I’m doing everything exactly the same this time because I hope that it works again.” Why am I mad at this woman? I have a child through IVF, too? I guess I was mad at her for being happy and optimistic. ‘Cause that’s rational and “well balanced.” Ha.

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