I wish

I wish I didn’t know my estrogen number.

I wish I didn’t believe this cycle was doomed before I even IUIed.

I wish that on top of IF, my body didn’t respond like a freak of nature to the meds.

I wish I had a few good eggs after my month on the bench, my two weeks of injections and my six monitoring appointments.

I wish I wasn’t scared to death that I don’t even have one in the bunch.

I wish I didn’t feel like I’ve utterly let hubs down. Again.

I wish I were the patient who didn’t have an “unusual” response.

I wish my big follies held healthy eggs like they’re supposed to.

I wish I hadn’t gone from feeling 80% filled with hope to 99% not filled with hope.

I wish this chapter of my life would be over.

I wish I could embrace any of the, “you never know/stranger things have happened/it only takes one/maybe there IS an egg in there” mantras floating all around me.

I wish I could think about something else.

I wish I could forgive my body for fracking up another cycle.

I wish a good night of sleep had made me feel stronger, instead of weaker.

I wish I could stop being so sad, scared, jealous, resentful, selfish, envious, angry, and afraid.

I wish I didn’t know my estrogen number.

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19 Comments

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19 responses to “I wish

  1. Egg, I know you’re feeling discouraged, but I am so very hopeful for a firecrackin’ IUI tomorrow. Thinking of you this weekend, my dear…

  2. Your cycle is not doomed. I know you’re disappointed with the estrogen level, but try to channel some of the hope you had after monitoring yesterday. Your lining is solid, you have awesome follies…I am still so hopeful for you. I can’t tell you how many times I wished I didn’t know my test results. It just makes us second guess everything and scare ourselves with Dr. Google. Just think, if your cycle really was doomed…do you think clinic #1 would let you IUI?! Don’t forget, they are the cycle cancellation kings!
    Thinking of you.

  3. Sending you lots of love and hugs!

  4. I know the feeling of wanting that “perfect” IUI cycle, where your lining is 9mm, you have 3 or 4 follies between 18 and 20mm, and your E2 is nice and high (but not TOO high!). But the fact is, it doesn’t take a perfect cycle to get knocked up. If you had 2 or 3 or 4 good eggs in there, yes, your chances would be higher. But you are off the bench and you have a great lining. You are in a really REALLY good place right now. Forget that stupid E2 number. No, I take it back, I think it’s a GREAT E2 number – you’ve got at least one and maybe 2 good eggs in there, and a FLUFFY lining that they’re going to snuggle right into when they find it! You are in it to win it, girl!

  5. AL

    Oh, Egg, I’m so sorry. I just want to give you a big hug. I can feel your frustration and heart ache that after all this time things just won’t fall into place.

    You are definitely not letting anyone down. I know your hubs is very proud of your hard work on the baby makin’ front, putting up with all these set backs, all the research you’ve done, and your kick ass lining / response this cycle (triple stripe = awesome, girl!).

    I know the estrogen isn’t as high as you would like, but ONE good egg in there could equal one perfect baby. It really could Egg, and I hope it does.

    This cycle is your BEST SHOT at getting knocked up so far. I’m excited for you – for this cycle and for what this cycle has proved with your lining.

    Hugs, Egg. I’ll be thinking of you. Good luck tomorrow for your 4th of July IUI (hey, that rhymes 🙂 ).

  6. Hugs….. I will be thinking of you this weekend.

  7. I know this is going to sound annoying, but, honestly, one good egg is all you need. I’m super encouraged by how great your lining is this cycle. Good luck tomorrow!

  8. Secret Sloper

    Egg, I wish I could lend you some hope for tomorrow, but I know how hard it is to feel it when things go wrong.

    Fortunately, I firmly believe that despite the mantras in favor of positive thinking, our attitudes do not affect our success rates. You may be feeling negative, but that doesn’t mean that you body will act negatively. And remember, you’ve got a great new clinic with a Dr Awesome waiting for you if this doesn’t pan out. And if (it’s only an if) it doesn’t work, I will hold the clinic responsible, not you.

    Good luck tomorrow. I’ll be hoping for you.

  9. Okay, lady, I hear you loud and clear and I am in my own personal realm of fracked up cycle hell, so I get it and I wish all the things you wish for – for you and for me.

    And yet.

    Your blog is called, “Such A Good Egg”. Not “Such A Dozen Good Eggs”. You have such a good egg in you – I believe it. And whether or not you believe it, or hope it, it is still there. And I’m counting on it for you with all my might.

    Love,
    Maddy

  10. Tarah

    *HUGS* I couldn’t agree with Al more. Your husband is proud and in awe of everything you have gone through. Of getting knocked down and getting right back up. Of becoming stronger, wiser, kinder, more beautiful for all that you have endured and survived. You are awesome, amazing and wonderful.

    We will hold your hope for you until you’re ready to take it back.

  11. Jeanna

    Hang in there!!

  12. I’m with Al — you are a ROCK STAR with everything you’re doing for your family. Here’s hoping that blastocyst finds its way to your luxurious lining!

  13. Sending many hugs to you and positive thoughts towards your eggs.

  14. hollytraveling

    Oh, Egg, I so want to tell you to have hope and believe and that it will all turn out OK, and I know it will, but I also know how absolutely frustrating it’s got to be each month for you to feel like there’s always something not adding up. But look at you, you’re absolutely amazing and resilient and have been through things that would have made most people a mess by now, and you’ve rallied beautifully each time. You’ve let no one down, least of all hubs. You’re in the game and are going to keep on fighting until you get it. Thinking of you.

  15. *hugs* I am so sorry Egg that your feeling down with no hope. Don’t give up hope yet. You have some great sized follies in there that could catch the spermies. I may be in the same position as you in a week or two. I hope that it turns out great for the both of us. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.

  16. Kelly

    I’m really sorry you’re feeling down in the dumps and I completely understand. Here’s to better days!

  17. Egg,
    Hang in there! This cycle is NOT a bust! There’s a HUGE amount of hope that this will work. I know how you’re feeling—like you know long before Aunt Flo comes that it’s a total bust, that it didn’t work. But you know, for some of us infertiles, those are the cycles they get pregnant.

    Go for a LONG run every day, lift your ass off, and just plain workout hard during your 2ww for your sanity. It’s the best remedy :).

  18. Like everything else I just know you rocked your 4th of July IUI. And even if you only had one egg, as annoying as it sounds its all you need. I’ve got everything crossed for you my friend, sending tons of hugs your way!!

  19. I wish so many things too. I’m so sorry.

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