It’s in the water. Or NOT.

They are all so very, very happy. And I feel so very, very far away from them.

******

I have this coworker who I interact with directly about 20 times a day. She’s been working at my office for about two years and always wears big baggy stuff, but over the past couple of months I’ve been eyeing her tummy because I had a feeling it was filling out. But mostly because I swear I (unfortunately) have the WORLD’s BEST PREGNANCY RADAR. Yeah, she’s knocked up. She’s announcing it and everyone is congratulating her and buzzing about it and she is a really, really sweet and nice person and I am disgusted by my annoyance and jealousy.

There is another coworker who ALSO has a belly situation going on and I’m totally getting the knocked up vibes from her (repeat: my pregnancy radar). Announcement #2, coming soon to a cubicle near you.

And there is a third coworker, who my boss, in a small lunch setting early this week, very inappropriately mentioned that she saw her at Lollla playing with her toddler nephew and she looked so at ease and naturally maternal and didn’t she just finish that half-marathon that was on her life to-do list and get married over Christmas and don’t you think she’ll be pregnant soon? PUKE. And the truth is that, yeah, she probably will, I was thinking the exact same thing.

And there is the fourth coworker, who’s last day is this Friday, because he and his wife are moving to another state to be closer to her family and raise their baby who’s due in December. And there is the office baby shower and post-work send-off party for him and his pregnant wife this Friday and I don’t know how I’ll make it through it all on the same day as my Beta, where inevitably I will be told my body didn’t work. Again. And for the record, he is ALSO a fabulously wonderful person who I really like and I will miss him, but by the way this guy hadn’t even MET his wife when I started working here four years ago, when hubs and I were newly married and had six years of dating behind us.

I also sit in the cube next to a guy who’s wife had a baby last September, so clearly that is what everyone asks him about and what he talks about and why he’s always submitting time-off request to me with stories about having to stay home with his “sick child.” And he is also really cool. I work with wonderful people, they’re just all in their 20s and 30s and everyone’s getting married and buying homes and having babies and sometimes it’s too much for a heartbroken Eyeore like me.

And then, as you know, I go home to the stroller in my lobby and walk past my pregnant neighbor’s door and hear the adorable little baby cries and laughter coming from their apartment. And then I unlock the door to my ginormous, empty apartment, that we bought because we were supposed to have babies to fill it with, and then I drop my bag and close my eyes and take a deep breath and try not crumple under the weight of my heavy heart, and its guilt, and regret, and fear, and longing.

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25 Comments

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25 responses to “It’s in the water. Or NOT.

  1. Jesus. It really is in the water. Tell them to pass some to you and share the wealth!!! (And when you’re done, do you mind mailing some to me? Thanks!)

  2. Your office sounds like my office, sorry. At my office not only is there always a preggo, they bring in their offspring after their born, joy! Hang in there, I know how tough it can be (((hugs)))
    I am hopeful that you are going to join the ranks of uber-abundant fertiles in your office very, very, soon.

  3. Ay YI YI! This sure made me cry. I’m having a trying not to crumple day today, and while it makes me feel better to know there are other people out there hurting in similar ways, sometimes I think this community can lull us into complacency about the non-weirdness of IF, when in reality we’re the sad exceptions. I mean, if it’s possible to forget while never ever being allowed to forget. I don’t know what I mean, man. Just that the pain can sure stun you sometimes. Anyway, you never know what Friday (your beta’s Friday, right?) will bring. You may have a pretty good guess, but…while I’m not one of those Optimism 4Evah! people…I do believe you genuinely never know. My thoughts are with you.

  4. Tarah

    I’m in tears for you right now. I wish I could wave a wand and grant you this wish that you so deserve! Egg you are such a fantastic person, I ache with every BFN cycle you get right along side you. You are always in my thoughts & prayers and I can say I will cry with happiness when I read about your BFP someday. Hopefully a soon someday.

    Fingers crossed this beta grants your wish.

  5. Well, BOO to the cohort effect! I hate to think of this pestilential abundance of evident fertility adding to your grief. More than EVER, I’m hoping for a BFP on Friday.

  6. Kate

    Catching up after spending a long weekend with some friends with their three crazy kids. They are a story of hope: spent 2.5 years trying for kids (age 32-35) and had kid one, spent 3 years trying for kid two and through two cycles of IVF conceived (age 36-39), naturally conceived when kid two was eight months old with kid three (age 40). I often look at them as an example. It was such a long miserable slog for them, but they are SO happy now, reveling in their life. Once you get to the other side, nothing matters. This day will come for you and all this pain will be a distant memory.

  7. oh egg! i’m surrounded by pregnant ppl at work as well. it stinks. they compare baby pics all the time, and i just want to kill them when they do. i’ve been told on various occasions that “i’m next”. been hearing that for ages, but apparently the universe never got the freakin memo, bc i am most definitely not next!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    they need to ban that stroller from your apt hallway. fire hazard. NO GOOD!! can you leave an anonymous note saying it shouldn’t be in the hall? i’m just mean enough to do that.

    i’m still hoping for a bfp for you on friday. look on the bright side – this past iui taught you and your new RE that your body works. it responds to meds in the right dosage/protocol, and your e2 levels are capable of going up up up. this all bodes well for ivf. you’re in much better shape now than during the first few iui’s, bc that doc couldn’t get your e2’s up. now we know things, and this is what makes me hopeful for you :o) xoxoxoxo.

    ps – if you’d like, i’ll come over to your apt and snatch that stroller. that’ll teach your neighbors to leave things in the hallway :o)

  8. I feel your pain. At one point in my school building, there were 5 pregnant women. Every day, someone would say to me, “Don’t drink the water or you’ll be next.” Yeah. If only it were that simple!

  9. AL

    Jeez, just reading this made me dizzy and depressed with all the babies and pregnancy stuff you deal with on a daily basis.

    I’m sorry, Egg. Hoping for you that you’ll get good news on Friday and be the one with the pregnancy announcement.

  10. God, Egg, we DO have way too much in common! I like to say I also have the pregnancy radar. I can just SMELL it when someone is pregnant and it drives me INSANE to have this capability/talent/curse.

    Yes, it certainly sounds like it’s in the effing water in your office. Ugh. Hang in there. 😦

  11. Seriously? This is way too much for one infertile to handle.
    Drink, bathe, inject as much of of this office water as you can! And if it works.. start selling it! 🙂
    I hope for your + beta.

  12. Oh Egg, so sad 😦 I think people outside this can’t understand the hurt and pain that comes from living in such a child-centric society. I know I’ve been told to “stop pitying myself,” “stop comparing myself to other people,” “stop being jealous,” and “stop thinking I have it so much worse than everyone else.” If only they knew how much we blame ourselves for our jealousy and tears and how much we wish we didn’t have these awful feelings!

    I hope so very much that you have splendid news at your beta appointment.

  13. CW

    oh eggie that post broke my heart for you. If you are drinking the same water as them it has to be coming for you too. My fingers and toes and arms and legs are all crossed for your beta appointment. Remember zen zen zen.

  14. *hugs* It must be in the water and it isn’t fair that the water isn’t coming to us. I have very refined pregnancy radar as well and I can spot it pretty quickly. I find myself looking at random peoples bellies out in public and pointing out the pregnant ones. I so hope that it will be both of our turns soon.

  15. Holy shit balls, I want to cry just reading about all the babies at your workplace, I couldn’t imagine having to actually be there and live through it. I’m sorry. Any chance you can switch jobs? 😉

  16. JC

    Ugh, I’m sorry Egg!!! I know what it feels like. This girl who works for me just told me Friday she “just” found out she’s pregnant. She’s only about 5ish weeks. She’s 22 and got engaged to a coworker a couple months ago. Oh and she has a 4 y/o from when she got KU in highschool from another guy. Then a couple days later I found out another girl in the office is 24 weeks pregnant (he’s big so I just thought she gained weight) with baby #3, and guy #3 might I add. So not effing fair.

  17. Amy

    Hi Egg, your relaxation buddy here! First off, thank you so much for introducing me to your to blog, and to all of these wonderful women who support and follow you. It has made me feel so much less alone and crazy. (I swore I must be the only one who obsessively boob-pokes). Pregnancies around the workplace are torture. When I had mc#2, two co-worker wives and my SIL all had a due date within a week of mine. I shared a workspace with one of them, and got to hear about every milestone, ultrasound, etc., to which I would think, gee, so I would be feeling kicking now. And then go to the bathroom to cry. Constant reminders everywhere do not help with keeping distracted. I always think of that scene in the Sex and the City movie where Carrie goes to dinner in Mexico after the wedding fiasco, and the waiter refers to her as Mrs. Preston, and she says, “That was like taking a bullet.” Those moments come out of nowhere that just hit me right at the core.

    Will be thinking of you…

  18. FCblacksheep

    Oh no, Egg. That’s way too many pregnant people to deal with. Sorry. I wish I could make it all better. Hang in there. Whenever it does happen, just know you’ll be the coolest pregnant person who ever walked those halls and the one who deserved it the most.

  19. Tio

    Oh Egg, I feel for you. It must feel like everyone in the world is having babies at the drop of a hat.
    Hang in there – the zen can get you through!

  20. Keep your chin up honey! I get like this too…its easy to get down on yourself when everyone else has the life and family that you dream for. I’ll be praying for a high beta for you. It is your turn, don’t give up hope. Hopefully someday you’ll have your happy ending too. Big hugs to you 🙂

  21. Oh, Egg! It is such a pain to have to deal with this kind of stuff all day long, every day. I am hopeful that soon enough you’ll be able to join in these celebrations with a much-lightened heart!

  22. UGH. Sometimes it feels like everyone else is pregnant, right? I have developed quite excellent pregnancy radar myself – and quite accurate, I might add! It’s a blessing and a curse…you have time to brace yourself for the announcement and guard your heart, but it also just screams in your face. I also know the feeling of being so resentful of people you really truly like – such a horrible feeling.
    Hang in there…you’ll get there soon.

  23. Mara

    Good God that sucks. It’s so hard being forced to be around fertile women. It’s like the gift that keeps on giving – the suspicion and anticipation of the annoucement, the announcement, the the growing belly, the actual baby and the breastfeeding talk. I’m really sorry you have to deal with that at work. Not to mention that stupid stroller! Hoping for good things for you tomorrow.

  24. Oy, what an awful lot to deal with. I’m so sorry you’re having to slog through such a preg-filled swamp. Hoping for wonderful things for you tomorrow. Take care of yourself.

  25. Kelly

    Why does it always happen all at once?

    Okay, we know why… our age. But, still.

    That’s rough. I hope much better things are to come.

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