They are all so very, very happy. And I feel so very, very far away from them.
I have this coworker who I interact with directly about 20 times a day. She’s been working at my office for about two years and always wears big baggy stuff, but over the past couple of months I’ve been eyeing her tummy because I had a feeling it was filling out. But mostly because I swear I (unfortunately) have the WORLD’s BEST PREGNANCY RADAR. Yeah, she’s knocked up. She’s announcing it and everyone is congratulating her and buzzing about it and she is a really, really sweet and nice person and I am disgusted by my annoyance and jealousy.
There is another coworker who ALSO has a belly situation going on and I’m totally getting the knocked up vibes from her (repeat: my pregnancy radar). Announcement #2, coming soon to a cubicle near you.
And there is a third coworker, who my boss, in a small lunch setting early this week, very inappropriately mentioned that she saw her at Lollla playing with her toddler nephew and she looked so at ease and naturally maternal and didn’t she just finish that half-marathon that was on her life to-do list and get married over Christmas and don’t you think she’ll be pregnant soon? PUKE. And the truth is that, yeah, she probably will, I was thinking the exact same thing.
And there is the fourth coworker, who’s last day is this Friday, because he and his wife are moving to another state to be closer to her family and raise their baby who’s due in December. And there is the office baby shower and post-work send-off party for him and his pregnant wife this Friday and I don’t know how I’ll make it through it all on the same day as my Beta, where inevitably I will be told my body didn’t work. Again. And for the record, he is ALSO a fabulously wonderful person who I really like and I will miss him, but by the way this guy hadn’t even MET his wife when I started working here four years ago, when hubs and I were newly married and had six years of dating behind us.
I also sit in the cube next to a guy who’s wife had a baby last September, so clearly that is what everyone asks him about and what he talks about and why he’s always submitting time-off request to me with stories about having to stay home with his “sick child.” And he is also really cool. I work with wonderful people, they’re just all in their 20s and 30s and everyone’s getting married and buying homes and having babies and sometimes it’s too much for a heartbroken Eyeore like me.
And then, as you know, I go home to the stroller in my lobby and walk past my pregnant neighbor’s door and hear the adorable little baby cries and laughter coming from their apartment. And then I unlock the door to my ginormous, empty apartment, that we bought because we were supposed to have babies to fill it with, and then I drop my bag and close my eyes and take a deep breath and try not crumple under the weight of my heavy heart, and its guilt, and regret, and fear, and longing.