I am filled with warm fuzzy love for all of you. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support these last few weeks. It means the absolute WORLD to me. Okay, but now that I’ve complimented you, go ahead and tell me I’m an ungrateful jerk. It’s how I feel…I want to be the poster child of positivity and confidence. I want to tell you this experience is all rainbows and sunshine. I have seen bloggies do it so I know it’s possible! But while I feel the happiest I have ever felt, I also feel so scared, pretty much all of the time.
I am scared because I have no symptoms and I will be seven weeks tomorrow. I keep wondering if the other shoe is about to drop. I mean, we have TWO babies growing in there. Why aren’t my boobs getting bigger? Why don’t they hurt? Why am I not yacking? Where’s the nausea? Why can I still get up with the early morning alarm and go running? Shouldn’t my hormones be out of control? Shouldn’t my body feel really different? A little different? I know, I know, I’m so lucky to not feel sick. But I’m terrified. I Google this stuff and it freaks me out because there’s always some reference to studies that show women who have few/no symptoms have a greater rate of miscarriage.
The only things I have going on….worse than usual constipation (I always have issues, but they now require Metamucil, heyyyyo); some discharge here and there (it makes going to the bathroom such a treat, as I simultaneously pray for no spotting but lots of watery discharge); and, slightly more fatigue than usual (but not the crushing exhaustion everyone talks about). I hang onto these barely noticeable happenings for dear life. I am doing my very very best to trust that my body and these blueberry-sized beings know exactly what to do. I hope they are safe and sound and growing, growing, growing.
Zen zen zen zen.
Bunny, she of the glorious new BFP in blog-land, wrote a post about a talisman she’s been wearing to her Betas. I have a couple myself. Actually, I have….so many. There is the gold necklace I wear every day with ivy leaf and four-leaf clover charms. I wear it to all of my RE consults and couldn’t stop wearing it after the IVF consult earlier this month (I wear it every day now). I also have this black string of a necklace, that I’ve tied into a bracelet, which arrived in the mail on CD2. My friend Danielle in NYC, my only friend who knows everything we’ve been through, sent it to me as a good luck charm this cycle: It has a little wooden charm on it with the Native American symbol for fertility etched into it. It flops around when I eat and write and type and I keep saying, “next ultrasound, I’ll take it off my wrist and just carry it with me…” But I can’t bring myself to do it!
I also have a little paper-weight size otter, which hubs bought me off eBay at the beginning of this cycle. He told me it could be my “fertility totem,” and I melted into a puddle of love and gratitude and began petting that sweet otter every night from then on. Hubs knows how superstitious I am, how much I love little charms and good luck symbols. (Like the lucky pig he gave me to carry in my pocket the first time I ran the Boston Marathon. I pulled out a gel to eat at about mile 20 and lost the tiny pig on the road…I actually TURNED BACK for a few steps to look for it! I couldn’t find it, but everything ended up okay and he gave me another pig that has helped me through many more races.) I do weird things with the otter, like make hubs kiss it, then I kiss it, then I make it kiss my stomach. So, yeahhhhh……
When I was a kid, my Mom would put “pocket pals” in all of our stockings on Christmas morning. They’re basically tiny little elves wearing felt clothing in bright and happy colors. My brothers and sister tired of theirs quickly, but I held onto mine for dear life, taking them with me to tennis tournaments and SATs for years and years to come. They come with me to every RE appointment and u/s.
This menagerie travels with me everywhere important I go. Of course the crew came to Oregon with us. Of course it accompanied us to the u/s on Tuesday. Of course I talk to them each night, and ask them to take care of the babies. And I rub my little bracelet charm at work, and reach for my ivy and clover charms on the bus. And I pray for them to keep our babies safe and to help them grow. We love them so much, and I pray so hard that everything is okay.
Zen zen zen zen.