My status quo

I am filled with warm fuzzy love for all of you. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support these last few weeks. It means the absolute WORLD to me. Okay, but now that I’ve complimented you, go ahead and tell me I’m an ungrateful jerk. It’s how I feel…I want to be the poster child of positivity and confidence. I want to tell you this experience is all rainbows and sunshine. I have seen bloggies do it so I know it’s possible! But while I feel the happiest I have ever felt, I also feel so scared, pretty much all of the time.

I am scared because I have no symptoms and I will be seven weeks tomorrow. I keep wondering if the other shoe is about to drop. I mean, we have TWO babies growing in there. Why aren’t my boobs getting bigger? Why don’t they hurt? Why am I not yacking? Where’s the nausea? Why can I still get up with the early morning alarm and go running? Shouldn’t my hormones be out of control? Shouldn’t my body feel really different? A little different? I know, I know, I’m so lucky to not feel sick. But I’m terrified. I Google this stuff and it freaks me out because there’s always some reference to studies that show women who have few/no symptoms have a greater rate of miscarriage.

YUCK.

The only things I have going on….worse than usual constipation (I always have issues, but they now require Metamucil, heyyyyo); some discharge here and there (it makes going to the bathroom such a treat, as I simultaneously pray for no spotting but lots of watery discharge); and, slightly more fatigue than usual (but not the crushing exhaustion everyone talks about). I hang onto these barely noticeable happenings for dear life. I am doing my very very best to trust that my body and these blueberry-sized beings know exactly what to do. I hope they are safe and sound and growing, growing, growing.

Zen zen zen zen.

*****

Bunny, she of the glorious new BFP in blog-land, wrote a post about a talisman she’s been wearing to her Betas. I have a couple myself. Actually, I have….so many. There is the gold necklace I wear every day with ivy leaf and four-leaf clover charms. I wear it to all of my RE consults and couldn’t stop wearing it after the IVF consult earlier this month (I wear it every day now). I also have this black string of a necklace, that I’ve tied into a bracelet, which arrived in the mail on CD2. My friend Danielle in NYC, my only friend who knows everything we’ve been through, sent it to me as a good luck charm this cycle: It has a little wooden charm on it with the Native American symbol for fertility etched into it. It flops around when I eat and write and type and I keep saying, “next ultrasound, I’ll take it off my wrist and just carry it with me…” But I can’t bring myself to do it!

I also have a little paper-weight size otter, which hubs bought me off eBay at the beginning of this cycle. He told me it could be my “fertility totem,” and I melted into a puddle of love and gratitude and began petting that sweet otter every night from then on. Hubs knows how superstitious I am, how much I love little charms and good luck symbols. (Like the lucky pig he gave me to carry in my pocket the first time I ran the Boston Marathon. I pulled out a gel to eat at about mile 20 and lost the tiny pig on the road…I actually TURNED BACK for a few steps to look for it! I couldn’t find it, but everything ended up okay and he gave me another pig that has helped me through many more races.) I do weird things with the otter, like make hubs kiss it, then I kiss it, then I make it kiss my stomach. So, yeahhhhh……

When I was a kid, my Mom would put “pocket pals” in all of our stockings on Christmas morning. They’re basically tiny little elves wearing felt clothing in bright and happy colors. My brothers and sister tired of theirs quickly, but I held onto mine for dear life, taking them with me to tennis tournaments and SATs for years and years to come. They come with me to every RE appointment and u/s.

This menagerie travels with me everywhere important I go. Of course the crew came to Oregon with us. Of course it accompanied us to the u/s on Tuesday. Of course I talk to them each night, and ask them to take care of the babies. And I rub my little bracelet charm at work, and reach for my ivy and clover charms on the bus. And I pray for them to keep our babies safe and to help them grow. We love them so much, and I pray so hard that everything is okay.

Zen zen zen zen.

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24 Comments

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24 responses to “My status quo

  1. i hate that you can’t 100% enjoy this pregnancy without *any* fear. we just know too much :o( but egg, the lack of symptoms isn’t such a bad thing. leslie didn’t have any for the longest time, and she’s doing a-okay. some ppl just aren’t as sensitive as others. yes, you’re probably in the minority, but it does happen. i have friends who had zero symptoms in their 1st trimester and now have plump, healthy babies. no, they didn’t IF treatments, but once you’re pregnant, your pregnant, right? i hope your next doctor appt is soon so that you can see those lovely babies again :o)

  2. LTB

    Hey Egg! I wouldn’t worry about the lack of symptoms (easier said than done!). I had nothing until about 7 weeks and then I never yacked or felt nauseaus exactly. Foods just started to be less appealing/tasting different. And then around 10 weeks I felt back to normal except I had huge boobs. But lots of people don’t even get the boobs so just stay zen! You are doing great twin-mamma!!! What is your EDD?
    LTB

  3. I feel the EXACT same way…no symptoms…and I even squeeze my boobs every morning praying they will start to hurt! I’ll pray that you get symptoms, stat!

  4. To be honest, I’m always a little scared by the bloggies who are sunshine and rainbows. I understand rationally that there are lots of way to react to the experience of finding yourself pregnant after IF, and that people who seem to be all joy and no fear might just be trying to live in the moment and appreciate what they’ve got, or might just be sunnier by nature. But it just seems unnatural to me. To me, terror seems like the natural reaction to the early stage you’re in. I think you should give yourself massive props any time you CAN be zen, not stress about the fact that much of the time you can’t . You waited so long for this, it’s so new, you have no reassuring symptoms, and…you know too much.

    But please stop googling. Seriously.

  5. Hi! I just stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago. Congrats on the twins!! i just read your post about not having symptoms. Don’t worry too much about your lack of symptoms. When i was pregnant last year, I never had sore boobs, my boobs didnt’ get bigger until almost the 3rd tri, I didn’t feel overly tired, and I didn’t get my first bout of nausea until like the 10th week, and it only happened when i had an empty stomach. I had only 1 baby, but still, it is possible to have light symptoms. Don’t fret!

  6. I know exactly how you feel. I so want to enjoy this and really embrace my happiness right now, but I’m so scared it will come back to bite me. Hopefully we’ll both soon be in our 2nd trimesters and oh so full of blissful joy! Do what you can – keep kissing and rubbing that otter! I love that you have all your little charms. Lots of toys for your babies 🙂 Hang in there. You’re doing great!

  7. Tarah

    Don’t worry about the lack of symptoms – that was my deal as well. I’m 14 weeks and my boobs don’t really feel like they’re growing and they’re not sore. I never had morning sickness and because you’re keeping up with your exercise that is helping you avoid the fatigue. Pick up Fit Pregnancy off the new stands, they say over and over and over – best way to avoid getting tired – exercise!!!

    I know though – I worried all the way through my first trimester – I still have days I worry but it’s easing up, I’m “believing” that things are going to be OK. Our baby will be OK, I will be OK.

    *hugs* You’ll be OK, your babies will be OK, this pregnancy will be OK

  8. Taryn M. Peine

    Hi!

    I just had to drop in and tell you I’m almost 15 weeks pregnant with twins from IVF and still have not had one single symptom. MY OB was amazed b/c usually, us twin moms are MORE sick than everyone else. Some women’s bodies just respond better to the pregnancy hormones than others. I was terrified at first like you, and prayed for some nausea, anything to let me know they were OK in there! But nothing ever happened, and now that I’m safely into my second trimester, I am thankful that at least ONE part of this whole thing was easy 🙂 Everything will be FINE! So excited for yall!!

    Taryn
    tarynmaxwell.com

  9. I love all your little charms and good luck stuff!! And I still have a zip lock baggie with a crushed peanut butter cup and combos in it from over a year ago…so gross! And I have total faith that your little otter will protect those little babies and everything will be fine! Especially because I know how scary it is to have no symptoms, and be filled with worry that means the end is near. Those first weeks are truly the hardest, but soon that stomach will start pouching and your boobs will bust and you’ll have proof those little bambinos are actually inside of you and thriving!!! Hang in there, egg!!

  10. Try not to worry too much about the lack of symptoms. I had nausea, but not until at least my 7th week. My boobs never hurt at all. I spent those first few weeks just feeling like my period could come at any moment, and I know how nerve-wracking that can be! Sending you tons of positive twin thoughts! 🙂

  11. To quote my husband, not feeling pregnant is NOT a sign of impending doom. And he knows stuff. I do know what you mean by wishing for reassuring symptoms, though, and I hope you develop just enough to “feel” pregnant, but not so many that you feel miserable. And if you’re going to google, google less about being symptomless and more about the risk of miscarriage after seeing the heartbeats. Cause it’s really, really low.

    Keep that sweet Otter nearby and say hello to your little blueberries.

  12. Nicole

    Not feeling sick (or sick enough) is torture when you want that reassurance. Hang in there, your beta’s were great and you saw heartbeats!

  13. Sounds like you have a lot of great twin and other pregnant women who haven’t had symptoms so that is comforting. I would love to not have huge vomiting. I’m scared of it lol.

    I have a lot of little tokens I hope that will bring me luck during my cycles as well. Thanks for being my cheerleader during my cycle and I hope that I can join you in prego-land.

  14. Maybe you will continue to follow in my footsteps. First, no symptoms. Then, no bump and no feeling of the baby moving.

    Greeaaaat…

    I basically still look and feel like a normal, non-pregnant person, 18 (!!!) weeks in! (yup, 18 weeks today). No one would ever guess that I am pregnant. And I have no feeling of it myself. I just have to trust technology (doppler and u/s). I want a sign, dammit!!!

    You have twins, tho– so I am sure that will at LEAST ensure a bump…

  15. Kate

    To give you some perspective: I NEVER puked during my pregnancy; at the HEIGHT of my pregnancy (i.e. 38 weeks), my boobs went from a 34A to a 34B; I wasn’t running much the first trimester, but ran a 1/2 marathon the 2nd trimester only 10 min slower than my PR. I also have a friend that is pregnant with twin through IVF and she just ran a 1:24 20K…not too much slower than her regular pace. Don’t think you need to feel awful to be having a healthy pregnancy. Although, it would be reassuring. Your time will come, my pretty. :>

  16. FCblacksheep

    That’s just adorable about the charms. I now picture you weighed down with medallions and such. I don’t you didn’t mention a medallion but it’s funnier for me that way.

    You never get symptoms for anything, right? I think your body is just reacting in the way that’s normal for it. I really hope you can start to enjoy this soon. You really, really deserve that.

  17. It must be really frustrating to hear people telling you you’re lucky not to be having symptoms. I mean, yeah, superficially it’s good not to be nauseous, etc., but what you’re looking for is a sign. Symptoms would be a physical talisman, wouldn’t they? Proof.

    You are doing GREAT and should just feel the way you feel–happy, anxious, whatever. There’s no right way to do this, and it would be impossible just to turn off all the anxiety and worry you’ve been going through for so long.

  18. Jen

    I really had not much in the way of symptoms either. I know I only had one in there, but still. I kept waiting to feel sick, and it never happened. My R told me that the majority of her patients never got sick, perhaps b/c our bodies were already used to the jacked up hormones and weird shit going on!

    Zen zen zen

  19. I love reading about your charms. I picture you with a HUGE purse!

    Being terrified is certainly not being ungrateful. The evidence for viability will come rolling in with every appointment, and you’ll have months and months of (mostly) unvarnished excitement to enjoy. I hope you can tamp down the anxiety somewhat at this stage, but if not, you’re certainly not ruining your pregnancy experience.

    SOOO happy for you!

  20. Egg, it’s okay to feel nervous. You’re not robbing your pregnancy or your babies of anything. It just is what it is, and anxiety’s just going to have to be your frame of mind for a while. You’re happy at the same time, I know.

    And as far as symptoms go, look I had every symptom in the book–massive, painful boobs and utter exhaustion at about 5 weeks and constant puking from 6 weeks on. My doctor said those were “great signs.” And I lost the baby anyway. You have the only “symptoms” that matter: two growing babies with strong heartbeats. That tells you more than any physical symptom could.

    (And even if you had every textbook symptom, you’d still be freaking out with anxiety, because first tri is a roller coaster without seat belts and we’re always worried we’ll get thrown off. But I don’t think you will be).

  21. I looove having little lucky things to hold and rub (I’m going to ignore how suggestive that sounds)–jewelry in particular. In fact, I think I’ll ask N, who is not otherwise so much a jewelry-gifter, to give me something symbolic and lucky for our anniversary, or Thanksgiving, or Columbus Day. Or Yom Kippur!

    I’m sure it’s harder to believe this is all for reals when you’re low on symptoms, and so I’m glad you keep having scans and appointments that confirm that everything’s okay. Doesn’t make the anxiety go away, but it’s a start.

  22. CW

    it is good to see you so happy 🙂

  23. don’t stress about no symptoms (i know, i know – easier said than done). i know someone who was pregnant with twins who never had a typical pregnancy symptom. i think the only thing she ever had were swollen ankles. enjoy feeling great!

  24. AL

    Happy seven weeks!!

    Early pregnancy is very hard – don’t beat yourself up that you can’t feel 100% happy and worry free about it. Hang in there. Keep yourself busy and I hope the first trimester flies by :-).

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