Hubs says it’s my Catholic guilt. If something isn’t uncomfortable, it must not be going okay.
Which is pretty much how I feel about pregnancy. I’m constantly wondering if it’s okay that I don’t feel pukey, don’t have ANY boob soreness, haven’t experienced ANY boob growth, am not bone-crushingly tired, haven’t gained any weight (in fact have lost 4 pounds), etc. It just seems like I’m a little island in blogland, not going through these rights of passage. Even bloggies who are just getting their BFPs experience heavy, sore boobs. And I’ve got double the hormones, so what the heck is going on?
Yes, I have constipation. And I am grateful for it! (Hahaha.) But I had it pretty bad before pregnancy….and now I’m not drinking caffeine or running too much, so it’s easy to write it off as a symptom of not doing those things. Also, I have a meat aversion. That actually DOES seem like a pretty big deal so I love that one. I have gone totally vegetarian as of about three weeks ago.
The reason I bring this up now is because of Mel’s recent posts about breast milk versus formula. I have nothing against formula. In fact, my super-mom, who is a high-powered lawyer, used it with all four of us kids as she scurried back to the courtroom weeks after giving birth. (I know, wow.) And, as the saying goes, we all turned out okay. But that’s not how I want to be. I want to breast feed!
And I’m scared that I won’t be able to. I’m scared my 100% normal breasts portend inability to breast feed. Mel’s breasts never enlarged or felt tender during pregnancy. She didn’t produce milk after giving birth no matter how much she pumped. Googling this leads to message board after message board of women with the exact same experience.
And I think a lot of this, of course, is IF-related anxiety. I have been so used to my body not working for so long that it’s very very hard to trust that it’s going to be able to do everything it’s supposed to in pregnancy. I think about all of the blood tests coming up (like the one I have in advance of our NT scan), and I can’t help but stress about the results. Like, the genetic counselor is going to sit me down and say, “You are a freak of nature. You have no X, Y and Z in your blood and we have no idea how those little babies are growing.”
Does/did anyone else feel this way?
I hope my dear readers who are still aching so badly to be pregnant are not frustrated/annoyed/furious with what probably sounds like whining. I am so lucky to be where I am. I can’t believe my body has gotten us this far. I just don’t know why I feel so normal! AHHHHHH! Obviously I will talk to the doc about all of this next time I go in.
I think all of these things are swirling around in my head because I’m in an ultrasound and doctor drought. With no Dr. Awesome or Dr. Zen to alleviate my fears, I’m all jumbled up and scared. It’s exactly two weeks until our next OB-GYN appointment and the anxiety builds a bit every day. Seriously, I would get an ultrasound every day if they would let me (I was SO SPOILED with the weekly appointments up to 8w6d!). But I’ve got to suck it up and just power through the next couple of weeks like everyone else has to.