T-minus two weeks

Hubs says it’s my Catholic guilt. If something isn’t uncomfortable, it must not be going okay.

Which is pretty much how I feel about pregnancy. I’m constantly wondering if it’s okay that I don’t feel pukey, don’t have ANY boob soreness, haven’t experienced ANY boob growth, am not bone-crushingly tired, haven’t gained any weight (in fact have lost 4 pounds), etc. It just seems like I’m a little island in blogland, not going through these rights of passage. Even bloggies who are just getting their BFPs experience heavy, sore boobs. And I’ve got double the hormones, so what the heck is going on?

Yes, I have constipation. And I am grateful for it! (Hahaha.) But I had it pretty bad before pregnancy….and now I’m not drinking caffeine or running too much, so it’s easy to write it off as a symptom of not doing those things. Also, I have a meat aversion. That actually DOES seem like a pretty big deal so I love that one. I have gone totally vegetarian as of about three weeks ago.

The reason I bring this up now is because of Mel’s recent posts about breast milk versus formula. I have nothing against formula. In fact, my super-mom, who is a high-powered lawyer, used it with all four of us kids as  she scurried back to the courtroom weeks after giving birth. (I know, wow.) And, as the saying goes, we all turned out okay. But that’s not how I want to be. I want to breast feed!

And I’m scared that I won’t be able to. I’m scared my 100% normal breasts portend inability to breast feed. Mel’s breasts never enlarged or felt tender during pregnancy. She didn’t produce milk after giving birth no matter how much she pumped. Googling this leads to message board after message board of women with the exact same experience.

And I think a lot of this, of course, is IF-related anxiety. I have been so used to my body not working for so long that it’s very very hard to trust that it’s going to be able to do everything it’s supposed to in pregnancy. I think about all of the blood tests coming up (like the one I have in advance of our NT scan), and I can’t help but stress about the results. Like, the genetic counselor is going to sit me down and say, “You are a freak of nature. You have no X, Y and Z in your blood and we have no idea how those little babies are growing.”

Does/did anyone else feel this way?

I hope my dear readers who are still aching so badly to be pregnant are not frustrated/annoyed/furious with what probably sounds like whining. I am so lucky to be where I am. I can’t believe my body has gotten us this far. I just don’t know why I feel so normal! AHHHHHH! Obviously I will talk to the doc about all of this next time I go in.

I think all of these things are swirling around in my head because I’m in an ultrasound and doctor drought. With no Dr. Awesome or Dr. Zen to alleviate my fears, I’m all jumbled up and scared. It’s exactly two weeks until our next OB-GYN appointment and the anxiety builds a bit every day. Seriously, I would get an ultrasound every day if they would let me (I was SO SPOILED with the weekly appointments up to 8w6d!). But I’ve got to suck it up and just power through the next couple of weeks like everyone else has to.

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23 Comments

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23 responses to “T-minus two weeks

  1. LTB

    Keep on truckin’ Egg! Next appt will be great! And don’t worry soooo much about no symptoms…be HAPPY!! That’s what my doc told me when I complained of hardly any symptoms! Soon enough you’ll have a big belly and there will be no doubt about the fact that you are HAVING TWINS!
    LTB

  2. The ultrasound drought is the worst. We were SO spoiled with Dr. A’s weekly ultrasounds. I’ve had 6 ultrasounds already and now probably won’t have one until mid-October. EEEK. But just think…you are now a “normal” pregnant person and most “normal” pregnant people only get like 4 or 5 ultrasounds total throughout their entire pregnancy.

    I know you’re anxious but it’s just one of those things that you can’t control and won’t know until the time comes. It’s so hard when we fought SO hard for our pregnancies to still have these unknowns.

    And, as someone who is puking daily at nearly 14 weeks pregnant, let me assure you that you do NOT want morning sickness. Seriously…you lucked out big time on that one 🙂

    You’re doing great, Egg. Hang in there!

  3. I think that pregnancy after infertility is a hellish time for every woman. You’ve just been through the most difficult time to try and get to this point, traveling through infertility where everything (inevitably!) always goes wrong. Of course you are going to feel this way during pregnancy. Especially when you are used to being monitored all the time. If I ever experience pregnancy, my husband will need to restrain me from purchasing my own ultrasound machine. But hang in there, Egg. You are doing well considering the circumstances. I have my fingers crossed that the next two weeks fly by, and the next scan is absolutely perfect.

    Oh, and I love the Catholic guilt reference. I get that a lot, too. 🙂

  4. Kelly

    Of course you’re going to feel nervous and uneasy and doubt your body, Egg! That’s to be expected after all you’ve gone through. However, it sounds like everything is in working order and those babies are just giving you a (probably brief) break from all the hellish symptoms. They probably know how much you’ve already suffered…

  5. Tarah

    Egg – I swear that you and I are having the same pregnancy – minus you having twins and me having only one.

    I had nooooooo symptoms either! It was like “Are you SURE there is still a baby in there?” Which is what lead me to freak out between each doctors visit.

    But I will tell you this – I had a huge meat aversion too. It’s eased up but chicken still grosses me out.

    Now that I’m feeling our bean kick it’s really allowing me to relax between appointments where before I was pounding on the doctors door at night saying “I’m scared – make sure s/he’s still in there!”

  6. It’s really important to remember that every pregnancy is different! Symptoms wax and wane, or never even appear. It really is unique to each person, Egg, so please don’t sweat this too much. I am 26+ weeks, and my breast size really hasn’t changed that significantly either. I did have to get a bigger bra, but that was mostly because of rib girth, not cup size. I’m still wearing the same cup size that I was before getting pregnant (which may have actually been the wrong size to begin with, who knows?). I remember fierce sessions of googling in between my 6th and 8th week because my breast tenderness just disappeared. It comes back in waves, but never stays. And I was told that this is totalllllly normal.

    I haven’t read Mel’s post yet about BFing, BUT I do work with some super sweet lactation consultants who have been burying me in great info. I’m happy to have it, but I’m also trying to take a page from your book of Zen. There’s not much at this point that I can do to control how BFing will unfold (aside from good self-education). I’m just trying to eat well and be healthy and I’m repeatedly coaching myself to deal with any of those problems when they present…which isn’t right now.

    The biggest cruelty, I think, of IF is that it really has robbed us of our ignorance and our ability to relax into our pregnancies. I wish I had some kind of miracle assvice for how to overcome this nagging sense of foreboding, but I’m still trying to kick its ass every day. (I mean, I spent two hours last night reading about cord accidents, holy shit.)

    I chuckled at A+B’s comment about normal preggers getting 4-5 u/s. In all of my obstetric care to date I’ve had ONE. And do you know what my OB told me? That’s all I will get unless there is some kind of cause for concern. We even asked about paying for a second one out of pocket! Sheesh. The drought blows. Hard.

    Anyway, hang in there, lovely girl!

  7. Every second I feel a little bit better, I start freaking out. I am begging my hubbs to buy one of those nice doppler things so I can hear the heart beat anytime I want…so we’ll see! I’m sure your in the clear and you are so lucky not to have any symptoms – but I’ll pray for some boob soreness for you soon 🙂

  8. Yeah, I was basically a basket-case, always worrying about my lack of symptoms. It sucks not to have any, and it’s terrifying. I agree.

    I definitely recommend the fetal doppler, for once you are past 12 weeks. I use mine once a week and it really helps me get through the appointment droughts.

  9. Hang in there. I didn;t have many breast changes with my first till the end, and it was fine. So you have lots of time.

  10. Jen

    I did not have any boob soreness/growth or pukiness or extreme fatigue either. However, I started gaining weight right away… perhaps b/c I ate a ton due to being starving! Hang in there!!!!

  11. I sympathize, sweetie. It would be terrifying to have no outward signs that everything is fine. It’s terrifying enough with the mild symptoms I’ve got going on… And that correlation is scary, if it is indeed real. (I know you have access to PubMed–I personally think if you want to confront this fear, you should hit the books, rather than googling.) And while some people (though not anyone who reads this weblog) might think “stop stressing about something so far down the road and be glad you’re pregnant!”. I for one think the possibility of losing out on any aspect “normal” motherhood is heartbreaking, after what you’ve had to go through to get this far. Anyway, I think your anxiety is totally understandable, but I do hope you can put it aside some of the time.

  12. Egg! You’re so, so funny. I love that you blog about all of the things that I would be thinking if I ever got pregnant :). If I do ever get pregnant I’m going to just refer back to your blog for guidance—pap smear during 1st trimester? No way! No pregnancy symptoms but a BFP? It’s okay! 🙂

    I don’t think any infertile will fault you for thinking what you’re thinking. At least I don’t!

    Can’t wait for your NT scan in two weeks. Almost second trimester! Woo hoo!

  13. I enjoy reading your blog, am in the 2ww after my 6th set of IUIs and I do NOT think you are whining at all! I appreciate your candor and honesty with what you fear at this moment. Wishing you the best of luck in this long-awaited and much deserved pregnancy!!!

  14. Meat aversion is definitely a symptom. According to my wholly-unscientific findings (or what all my fertile relatives tell me), it might extend to eggs at some point as well.

    Thank you for sharing this!

  15. Tio

    I have the exact same fears about breastfeeding. I have always wanted to BF, but am nervous because my breasts never do ANYTHING. They haven’t grown or been tender at all during pregnancy, they never even got sore before my (infrequent) periods. Even when my Prolactin was sky-high because of my adenoma I didn’t produce milk – which is the most comon presenting symptom. They seem to be totally unresponsive to hormones.
    I discussed this with my OB yesterday and his opinion was that you just can’t predict who will and won’t be able to BF. Some women with tender breasts and perfect hormones still don’t produce milk, and some women could start their own dairy far despite having relatively poor prolactin levels etc.
    I guess that, just like with IF, we just have to wait it out and see what happens. Dammit.

    If it normalises things for you, I have been very surprised about the number of my IRL friends who had no Tri 1 symptoms. I only have a few friends with babies, but almost all of them tell me they had symptom-free early pregnancies. It’s not just you!

  16. You’re doing great, Egg. Don’t worry, those babies are taking care of themselves in there, getting into trouble and ignoring mom. Remember, symptoms don’t mean *anything.*

    I do hope you get to breastfeed and I understand why you want to so very much. But just remember, as long as your baby is happy and healthy and getting lots of love, the rest is just inconsequential extras. I’ve got a friend who’s still breastfeeding at 8 months and another friend who struggled daily just to get a little milk for the first 3 months before having to quit. Both of their sons are beautiful!

    Your body *is* normal–it’s sheltering and feeding two little lives and that’s the best thing it can do. Be proud of yourself for that!

  17. Jin

    I *think* that as long as your boobs grow at some point, you should be fine. I think the biggest growth period is thrd tri…at least the tenderness gets really crazy then.

    Hang in there Egg!

  18. Heidi

    i want THAT kind of pregnancy someday!!! my bff and SIL both had symptom-free 1st trimesters, so you’re all good (and they both have beautiful 1 year olds!) totally understand your stressing though–us IFs know too much!!!
    such an advocate of breastfeeding–happy to hear your plans 🙂

  19. I totally hear ya egg, I would go absolutely crazy inbetween ultrasounds…its the absolute worst, and the only reason I even survived was my trusty doppler! Once you start to feel movement its a whole new ballgame, although then you start worrying when you don’t feel movement, which leads me to my point that the worrying never ends. Recently I’ve read about two bloggers around me who have had clear liquid coming out of their nipples, and now I’m all like wtf, where is my clear liquid…obviously this is a huge problem and I’ll probably won’t be able to breastfeed!! So as much as I do know and believe in the end everything will be fine, and its out of my hands, just gotta go with the flow…I know firsthand that its impossible not to find something to worry about. And from what everyone tells me the worrying will only get worse once the baby actually arrives (I mean really is that possible)!! So I guess my advice is don’t worry about worrying…cause you’re totally not a whiner!! I think it just means you care and want everything to be perfect for you bambinos! Hang in there egg!! 🙂

  20. It would be so nice to have the reassurance of sore boobs (just a squeeze away!). But the odds are that everything is totally fine. I didn’t get any boob growth until 15 weeks. These anxieties are absolutely understandable. I hope you have a lot of time feeling relaxed and confident.

  21. Hey – this isn’t whining. I think that the only thing harder than the fear of never being able to get pregnant is the fear of something going wrong with such a long-awaited pregnancy. I can only imagine that this is even harder with twins. Try to enjoy as much as you can, or at least don’t worry about worrying! You’re doing great!

  22. I had pregnancy anxiety right up until I heard my girls cry for the first time. Now? Well, I’m still anxious all the time. Welcome to motherhood, I guess.

    Also, this may seem hard to believe now, but you’ll get to a point where you might actually dread ultrasounds. Towards the end of my pregnancy, being on my back for a 45 minute growth scan literally made me sick. It was so uncomfortable!

  23. Thanks for the reassuring comment on my blog. It’s nice to be reminded that most pregnant women can find reasons to freak out! It’s funny that you mention the breastfeeding thing, because after I read Mel’s post about being unable to breastfeed, I also started wondering if I would have that problem. My boobs haven’t hardly been sore at all the whole pregnancy, and they don’t look noticeably different. I do think in the past week that they seem to be a bit bigger, but still. All I can say is please try to be a little bit thankful for your lack of symptoms, because I promise that if you had the nausea, fatigue, etc really bad, you’d be wishing really hard that you didn’t!

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