Zen zen zen zen

I have been so anxious about this 12 week check-up that it’s kind of out of control. At least a few times a day  I say to hubs, “Are the babies okay? Are they growing exactly like they should? Are they healthy?” And he calmly says, “Yes.” And then I say, “But how do you knoooooow?” And then I get online and google random crap like “weight gain during first trimester twins” (because I’ve LOST weight and this book I’m reading says you should gain, like, 10 pounds by 12 weeks and 20 pounds by 20 weeks!) and attempt to freak myself about OTHER stuff…because it feels better than worrying about whether the babies grew this month, and how they will fare in the NT Scan and what my blood work looked like from the appointment at the genetic counselor’s office last week.

Yes, I am insane. I think the anxiety worsens as the appointment approaches, ever noticed that?

Here is what else I do to ACTUALLY chill me out.

Warm baths. Oh, my gosh. Ever since the nurse suggested I take a bath the night after my pap, to try to clear out the scary dark discharge, I’ve been totally obsessed. I fill the tub with warm water and bubble bath, light some candles, bring in a waterbottle of cold water and a magazine, and just CHILL. It is awesome you guys! Um, I even took TWO BATHS yesterday, that’s how helpful this ritual is. Plus, it helps get rid of the disgusting bits of brown Crinone that are still coming out, even though I stopped taking the prog supps on Saturday.

Meditation. During my final infertilty cycle  I went to an AWESOME place called Pulling Down the Moon for weekly (sometimes twice weekly) meditation classes geared specifically toward infertility. It was sooooo soothing and cathartic. Unfort, my job has evovled in such a (sucky) way that it’s next to impossible to make it those classes in the evenings, but I am still listening to my meditations on my bus ride to and from work. I’m thinking of downloading the Circle+Bloom pregnancy meditations, but I dare not pull the trigger until after Wednesday’s appointment.

Running. I am literally shuffling, not running, along right now and I max out at about 25 minutes. From weeks six to 11 I was running about five mornings a week. (Yes, my OB-GYN 100% cleared me.) For the past week, I have been sleeping in more and generally choosing rest over running. But last night I went for an evening jog with hubs and it felt SO GOOD to breathe in the cold, fresh fall air, see the changing leaves, ohh and ahh at the grey and crashing waves in the lake. Hubs totally had to jog ahead of me because I take it soooo slowly right now. But it was still really fun and centered me.

T-minus 46 hours til our check-up. Please Lord, let everything be okay. We love these sweet babies—who are literally the most important thing in the absolute world to us—and are praying and hoping with every cell in our bodies that they are big and strong and healthy.

Zen zen zen zen.

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25 Comments

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25 responses to “Zen zen zen zen

  1. Everything will be fine! I’ll be thinking of you…update asap after the appt!

  2. This is a scary, landmark appointment, too. I mean, when you pass this one (because you totally will), you’re headed right out of the first trimester, and get to pretty much accept that things are going to be okay with these babies. I also think it must be extra hard having twins after IF. Maybe this is just really ignorant and offensive, but it seems like a more terrifying version of pregnancy, and like it’s got to be loads harder to believe everything will turn out well.

    A warm bath sounds perfect right now…

  3. nicole

    Good luck. I have my nt scan on thursday. Yikes. Tying to ignore it for a couple more days.

  4. 10 lbs by 12 weeks is crazy. I had gained 1 pound at my 13-week appointment. ONE! And they said that’s fine as long as I’m eating and taking the prenates. Your NT scan is going to be great and you’ll be so relieved to see those little squirmy beans in there. Hang in there – not much longer to wait!
    And, I am so impressed that you’re still running. I have taken off so much time now there’s no way I’m going back until these babies are born.

  5. Oh, how I love warm baths. They are so wonderful. I’ve long been a bath girl and take them most days if I have the time. Something about just relaxing in the warmth. Continue to think zen. Everything will be great!!

  6. Jin

    I think by week 12, I had lost about 13 lbs. Dont worry, you’ll gain it back and some in the second and third trimesters, especially with twins.

    The C+B meditations I believe is just one track per trimester. I never listened to those, but found another program to concentrate on (childbirth hypnosis). Or just find some really awesome music.

  7. Crossing my fingers that everything looks PERFECT at your appointment.

  8. Don’t worry about the weight gain (or loss) everyone is different and judging by the above comments, I’d say that you are doing just fine. Keep doing whatever it is that calms you during your countdown time to your appointment. We are all here for you and pulling for you and your babies. Can’t wait to hear the positive update after your appointment!!

  9. Tarah

    I worried before every appointment too – no matter WHAT people told me. It’s just something you do. But I have gotten a lot better about it, it helps that the baby is moving and I feel him/her but after this last appointment I said to myself:

    “Self, you have worried about this baby before every.single.appointment and every single time everything turns out to be totally fine. Enough! This baby is going to stick, it’s going to be healthy and in March you will meet face to face so just sit back, relax and enjoy this time growing this baby inside you because who knows how long it’ll take for the next time!”

    Always excited to read your updates!!! Cannot wait to hear about this one!

  10. Stay zen, Egg! It is going to be fine, I am sure sure sure of it. Those babies are in there for the long haul and you will be meeting them in April.

    Just a few days longer until you can get a little more peace 🙂

  11. second trimester here you come! seriously, everything is gonna be fine and i cannot wait to hear how your appt goes on wednesday!

    oh, and i am really enjoying the c+b series. i think you would like it!

  12. I’m not pregnant at the moment with babies who are going to be perfectly wonderful and healthy, like you are (like how I slipped that in?), but I nonetheless very much appreciate your rundown on what’s been working to help you relax. I bet a lot of mamas-to-be who read you are benefiting from it, too. Even just reading about relaxing things is relaxing. Best of everything on Wednesday!

  13. Sending you good thoughts. Zen Zen Zen.

  14. JC

    Good luck, I’m sure everything will look perfect! After that maybe you can post some belly pics? =)

  15. Oh, Egg, I was stressed out just reading that. Until I got to the part about warm baths. Ahhhhhh….

    I guess it sounds like you’re handling the stress the best you can, but I know the first trimester is SUPER stressful so in the end you just have to take deep breaths and warm baths and try to stay… zen.

  16. FCblacksheep

    I really like that you mentioned what you do to relax because I believe that relaxation is an important component and something I’ve been lacking. So thank you.

    And also, good luck at the appointment. Hoping everything is wonderful (even though I know it will be :))

  17. Second trimester is right around the corner! Sounds like you have a lot of good strategies to help yourself relax, but naturally it does get harder the closer you get to your big appt. Maybe you should up your ritual to 3 baths per day?

  18. CW

    I can’t wait to see some belly pics. I am sure the little bubsicles are going great. Are you going to find out the sex? I can’t believe that you are almost at the second trimester. That is awesome Eggie!

  19. Thinking of you, and hoping for great news!
    Also, the baths sound lovely. And I ordered the book from pulling down the moon last week, maybe it helps.

  20. Zen x infinity, girl! 🙂

    WRT your weight gain, I just have to offer the same refrain that I’ve been given: every pregnancy is different. I didn’t gain any weight, really, until my very last appointment, wherein I was informed that over the previous month I’d gained ELEVEN pounds. Hardly any weight gain, and then whammo–a ton at once. I was all freaked out because everything I’d read said that I should be gaining about 4-5 pounds between each appointment, and I failed that on two accounts–not gaining any at first, and then gaining twice that! My OB wasn’t worried at all, said that I looked great, that I wasn’t storing any fluid or anything like that, that I should continue my activity and continue my diet. She said what’s more important when it comes to weight gain is the trend of gain over time. So, that made me feel better.

    Perhaps singleton and twin pregnancy comparisons are apples and oranges, but methinks that you’re juuuuust fine.

    Zen, zen, zen!

  21. It is going to be just fine.
    You inspire me, runner.

  22. Ok, that book scared the crap out of me about weight gain! Don’t worry. I lost weight too, and I only ended up gaining about 25 pounds. Still, both my girls were super healthy at birth. As long as your twins are growing like they are supposed to, don’t worry so much about the weight.

  23. It’s going to be SUCH an amazing scan! I cannot wait to see the little bebes. I’m gonna throw out guesses right now and say you’re carrying 2 boys, btw. I know you won’t get to see the gender for a little while longer, but, hey, I’m just throwing it out there. Two boys for you, L!

  24. Kelly

    I can’t wait to hear about your scan! Fuck what the books say. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all this IF crap it’s that NObody is the same as the next person when it comes to babymaking.

  25. AL

    Ahh, a warm bath! my favorite things to do. Great de-stressing mechanisms, Egg. You’re doing great, you’re SO close to that big scan and I just KNOW it’s going to show two perfect healthy little ones. can’t wait to hear all about it!

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