When does it feel real?

I wake up every day hoping that today is the day I will feel the babies moving. I scour  twin blogs and read posts to find out when those bloggies began to feel movements and then swallow a lump in my throat because it’s inevitably by where I am in this pregnancy. I’ve read that twin Moms feel movement a little earlier because there are two babies in there hopefully kicking up a storm. I’ve read that women can begin feeling movement at around 16 weeks. I’ve read about bubbles. I’ve read about flutters. I’ve read about twitches.

I’m 18 weeks and a couple of days and I have nada going on! The truth is that with my constie-situation, I have “bubbles” a lot of the time. But they always end in…you know…gas. A couple of times I’ve thought MAAAAAAAAAYbe I felt a “thump” of some sort, but I’m pretty darn positive it’s in my head because I want to feel something so badly.

I guess this isn’t surprising, right? I am, after all, the same person who didn’t get pukies, who’s boobs have barely changed, who never ever experienced a faux pregnancy symptom in the 2ww. I know I am SOOOOO lucky for all of that, but gosh, I tell you what: I would love to feel some reassurance from my body any day now. I hope I feel them soon.

********

About a week ago hubs and I were talking about my daily cocktail of suppies….iron and calcium and a Colace in the morning, then my 2-pill pre-natie Rx, another Colace and a baby aspirin at night before bed. We started talking about why the heck I still take the baby aspirin and the truth is that I felt superstitious stopping it, both because of a horrific story I’d read on a blog and just because it’s hard to do anything different when you’re in a comfie routine. I went on baby aspirin back in March due to some research that showed it helped thin lining in some women, and I never stopped it. At my very early pregnancy appointments at Dr. Awesome’s, the nurses said to go ahead and stay on it. At my first OB appointment at 9 weeks, the midwife said I should go ahead and stop taking it—simply because it was one more stressful thing for me to take every day. But I kept taking it….because I was afraid of changing anything.

ANYway, we decided that I was 17 weeks and that without any diagnostic reason TO be taking the baby aspirin, I should just go ahead and stop it. [There is some evidence it can be bad for a pregnancy if not necessary for observable structural reasons relating to the placenta, etc.] So I did, cold turkey.

This month has been INSAAAAAANE at work. So busy with the holidays and a litany of deadlines. I’m getting home late at night, totally exhausted, and I felt almost pukish with fatigue when I finally crawled into bed last night. I think it was the craziness of work + residual hangover from the stress I’ve been under with taking on too much freelance outside of work + I think I was emotionally drained too, as I have my 18 weeks check-up tomorrow. I’ve spent the past few days getting ever more anxious, hoping and praying that the babies are strong and healthy—sometimes I really don’t know how my heart/mind can LITERALLY be two places at once: crazed at work and always thinking about the babies. So last night in bed when hubs asked me when I had last taken my baby aspirin, and I said not for a week, and he said “let me go get you one, I’m being superstitious but want you to take it again,” I got very quiet and scared and didn’t sleep more than a few hours. That is SO unlike hubs to say something like that. He is my calm, Zen rock. I’m the freak-y superstitious anxious one.

It made me wonder if I have jinxed myself by being so happy and loving these babies so much. Or by stopping the baby aspirin. My heart has been pounding ever since.

These appointments, I tell you what, they make me so nervous. I hope I don’t sound ungrateful or sad or annoying by sharing these swirling thoughts. I had hoped that by this point I would feel more confident and comfortable with all of this. But I still get so scared. I still use the words “hopefully in March or April” when people ask when the babies are coming, because I just feel too anxious to say anything else.

I think feeling the babies would help me a lot! That, and a great appointment tomorrow. Please please please let these babies be strong and healthy!

Thanks for letting me vent. Zen zen zen zen.

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17 Comments

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17 responses to “When does it feel real?

  1. Lesley

    I felt gypped about not feeling anything definitive for a long time, too! Apparently the cause (for me) was an anterior placenta. Maybe for you too– I don’t know how twins affect placentation.

    I was FREAKED OUT about stopping baby aspirin. I think I read the same blog… I stopped at 13 weeks, and everything has been fine. But I was pretty superstitious about it too. I guess you need to stop because at some point it becomes BAD for the baby- I don’t remember why, now.

    I am looking forward to hearing how your 18 week appointment goes!! Exciting!

  2. More zen vibes headed your way. You are doing great. I can’t believe you are almost to the halfway point.

  3. I’m sorry you’re so nervous, that must be sad difficult to feel like that at this point.

    I feel like you will just probably skip the “flutters” all together and just suddenly have two serious kickers on your hands. That will probably mean that you will have babies who are the kind that just go right from sitting up to walking and skip the crawling step all together.

    I send some good thoughts your way for your appointment.

  4. I’ve come to the conclusion that all that talk about feeling twins earlier is BS. I barely felt anything until just recently. But, like you described, it started as those little bubbles/flutters. You’re very close to feeling the “real” thing. Trust me!

    Too cute that hubs suddenly got superstitious about the baby aspirin. It can’t hurt, so why not just take it for your piece of mind?

    How’s this for superstitious…I wore the same perfume all during my treatments with Dr. Awesome. I stopped wearing it the second I found out I was pregnant because I wanted to associate a new smell with pregnancy. So despite having a 3/4 full bottle of expensive perfume, I refuse to use it since it was my “IF perfume” – Yes, we’re all a little crazy 🙂

  5. LTB

    You don’t sound ungrateful or whiny or anything…you sound like a nervous infertile-preggo! Been there (still there!) You are doing great! And they also say first time moms feel the baby later, I definitely didn’t feel it for sure until after the 20 week ultrasound. Hoping you get some kicks soon! and hoping for a great appt tomorrow! and hoping you will post a belly pic!!! :))

  6. I need to thank you for this post, selfish me, sorry. Allow me to explain, I am sooo early in my umm, experience, that it does not feel real at all. Reading your entry and knowing you have two HEALTHY babies in there helps me to breathe a teany bit easier. You have described me thus far, no naseau, barely sore boobs, its enough to make an IFer mad.
    For what it is worth I am sure you are going to have a terrific appointment tomorrow, I will look forward to the hearing the results.
    Lastly, I know how unnerving it can be to have your “rock” seem a tad bit unstable and I don’t like it. It is very sweet of your dear hubs!

  7. Jeanna

    Like you, I tried so hard to feel the baby starting around 16 weeks. I felt this one punch around 17 weeks that I tried to talk myself into was baby movement, then after another week and a half of nothing I was convinced it was not. Around 18 1/2 weeks, I felt what I thought was it. Within a couple days, I was feeling it regularly. Now, I am convinced that one little blip at 16 weeks was baby. Who knows, really? Point is, 18 weeks or so (and I have read 18-21 on average) is just when you should start feeling them. So, you are golden. Just remember, after you start feeling them, you may go days or so between punches at first. At 23 weeks now, I am just now to the point when I can reliably feel HIM every day. It’s comign soon, but don’t stress!

  8. AL

    I was just thinking about you today and wondering if you’ve felt any movement yet….ahh, I wish you had!! Come on, little ones, start kicking up a storm!

    I am certain that your twinsies are just fine in there, and I can’t wait for tomorrow’s post that confirms all is well and how much bigger the babies have gotten.

    And yes, about it feeling real. I hear you. One minute, I feel like things can’t possibly be okay and the next that they have to be just fine. Ahh, an’t wait for it to get easier for both of us. xo.

  9. finch

    Repeat after me: Your kiddos are doing just fine. They’re snug and warm and healthy and growing. By this time tomorrow you’ll be on your post OB appointment high, and hopefully you’ll get some reassuring flutters and bubbles, or even better, a good hard kick in the gut to remind you of that soon.

  10. Oh Egg, I’m sorry you’re having such anxiety about the babies and the aspirin and all the things “they” say you’re supposed to be enjoying right now.

    I understand that the hubbies are allowed to be a little superstitious and freaked out sometimes, but when you rely on them so much to be the calm, rational ones it’s hard to not get a little nervous when they do. If the baby aspirin isn’t hurting anything, then I see no reason to change the game plan now.

    I’m confident everything will be perfect at your 18-week appointment tomorrow…and who knows, maybe the babies will give you a little kick just to reassure you they’re doing great!

  11. I know the appointment will give you a few days (hopefully a few weeks) of zen (because I also know everything’s going to be fine. I’m super smart like that), so I’m hoping it will bridge the gap between now and feeling movement. And maybe after the appointment your husband will feel okay about ditching the aspirin. I think it’s adorable that he finally got a little spooked. (Scary, but I guess it was his turn.) I’m sorry it’s such an anxious experience. But even if you’re forced to wait till 20 weeks or something, it will come!

  12. I am having the same prob with the baby aspirin…I’m too nervous to stop! I read somewhere that it just “helps blood flow to the baby”…but who knows. My dr told me to keep taking it until my 35ish week…what has your dr. told you about the harmful effects of it? I know your dr. appt will go GREAT tomorrow – and you’ll be feeling those twin dragons move in no time! I didn’t feel our first son kick until around the 20th week…and they might just be kicking towards your spine – in which you wouldn’t feel a thing!!!!! GOOD LUCK!

  13. sienna

    i’m betting that some of those *bubbles* you’re feeling are really kicks, but as a first timer, you’re not sure what you’re feeling. i hope you get some OBVIOUS movements very soon, to assuage your fears. i’m keeping on with my baby aspirin through pregnancy, but that’s for my mthfr. if not, i think most ppl stop after the 1st trimester? i’m sure you’ll be just fine either way. docs seem to be conflicted about whether it’s necessary or not. so if it makes you feel better, just take them. won’t do any harm :o)

  14. FCblacksheep

    You most definitely hit the nail right on the head — you never had a symptom for anything. Think about all the times taking the drugs and during the 2ww (even the one that resulted in a BFP) when you googled and saw symptoms others were having and not you. Your body is different, that’s all. Also, from some of the stuff you’ve written, it seems like you have had some symptoms but you brush them aside as something else. You’ll feel those babies kick soon; I promise. And tomorrow is going to be another amazing appointment. Can’t wait to hear about it. Also, I soooo want to know what is growing in there.

  15. I’m so sorry that you are feeling so scared right now 😦 I’m sure you’ll begin to feel the babies soon, maybe in just a few weeks, and everything will be fine. It’s so scary not to know.

    Hang in there. You are doing a really good job.

  16. you get to feel however you feel. don’t you stress out about feeling a certain way. take that BA if you feel like it! you have been through a lot and reassurance is what we all want and you need more of it. i hope that today’s appt helped calm your fears and that you start posting about getting kicked in the ribs very very soon. zen zen zen!

  17. Not whiny at all! Perfectly normal! I didn’t feel the baby move until the 20th week. Early on, I could only feel movement when I was stretched out perfectly flat on my back. If I laid on my side or bent my knees, I wouldn’t feel it. You could try stretching out flat about a half-hour after a meal. That might do it.

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