I wake up every day hoping that today is the day I will feel the babies moving. I scour twin blogs and read posts to find out when those bloggies began to feel movements and then swallow a lump in my throat because it’s inevitably by where I am in this pregnancy. I’ve read that twin Moms feel movement a little earlier because there are two babies in there hopefully kicking up a storm. I’ve read that women can begin feeling movement at around 16 weeks. I’ve read about bubbles. I’ve read about flutters. I’ve read about twitches.
I’m 18 weeks and a couple of days and I have nada going on! The truth is that with my constie-situation, I have “bubbles” a lot of the time. But they always end in…you know…gas. A couple of times I’ve thought MAAAAAAAAAYbe I felt a “thump” of some sort, but I’m pretty darn positive it’s in my head because I want to feel something so badly.
I guess this isn’t surprising, right? I am, after all, the same person who didn’t get pukies, who’s boobs have barely changed, who never ever experienced a faux pregnancy symptom in the 2ww. I know I am SOOOOO lucky for all of that, but gosh, I tell you what: I would love to feel some reassurance from my body any day now. I hope I feel them soon.
About a week ago hubs and I were talking about my daily cocktail of suppies….iron and calcium and a Colace in the morning, then my 2-pill pre-natie Rx, another Colace and a baby aspirin at night before bed. We started talking about why the heck I still take the baby aspirin and the truth is that I felt superstitious stopping it, both because of a horrific story I’d read on a blog and just because it’s hard to do anything different when you’re in a comfie routine. I went on baby aspirin back in March due to some research that showed it helped thin lining in some women, and I never stopped it. At my very early pregnancy appointments at Dr. Awesome’s, the nurses said to go ahead and stay on it. At my first OB appointment at 9 weeks, the midwife said I should go ahead and stop taking it—simply because it was one more stressful thing for me to take every day. But I kept taking it….because I was afraid of changing anything.
ANYway, we decided that I was 17 weeks and that without any diagnostic reason TO be taking the baby aspirin, I should just go ahead and stop it. [There is some evidence it can be bad for a pregnancy if not necessary for observable structural reasons relating to the placenta, etc.] So I did, cold turkey.
This month has been INSAAAAAANE at work. So busy with the holidays and a litany of deadlines. I’m getting home late at night, totally exhausted, and I felt almost pukish with fatigue when I finally crawled into bed last night. I think it was the craziness of work + residual hangover from the stress I’ve been under with taking on too much freelance outside of work + I think I was emotionally drained too, as I have my 18 weeks check-up tomorrow. I’ve spent the past few days getting ever more anxious, hoping and praying that the babies are strong and healthy—sometimes I really don’t know how my heart/mind can LITERALLY be two places at once: crazed at work and always thinking about the babies. So last night in bed when hubs asked me when I had last taken my baby aspirin, and I said not for a week, and he said “let me go get you one, I’m being superstitious but want you to take it again,” I got very quiet and scared and didn’t sleep more than a few hours. That is SO unlike hubs to say something like that. He is my calm, Zen rock. I’m the freak-y superstitious anxious one.
It made me wonder if I have jinxed myself by being so happy and loving these babies so much. Or by stopping the baby aspirin. My heart has been pounding ever since.
These appointments, I tell you what, they make me so nervous. I hope I don’t sound ungrateful or sad or annoying by sharing these swirling thoughts. I had hoped that by this point I would feel more confident and comfortable with all of this. But I still get so scared. I still use the words “hopefully in March or April” when people ask when the babies are coming, because I just feel too anxious to say anything else.
I think feeling the babies would help me a lot! That, and a great appointment tomorrow. Please please please let these babies be strong and healthy!
Thanks for letting me vent. Zen zen zen zen.