Mantra: One more day

Thank you all so much for the words of love and support and prayer yesterday. They all warmed my heart and continue to give me strength!

Now I’m going to go all runner-analogy on you. Whenever I do a marathon, I begin training with an A goal, B goal and C goal. A is my secret goal that I only tell hubs…..like PR and qualify for Boston. B is a legit goal I tell the outside world, like “I really hope I can break X time.” C is a sub-par goal that I keep to myself, but a result I can live with, like, “finish in under 4 hours.”

With this pregnancy, I have had A, B and C goals. To hubs, I would openly hope for 5 pound babies and to make it to 36 weeks. I knew those were pretty sky-high hopes, but with feeling so good and so strong this entire time, I didn’t think it was totally impossible. Goal B has been, “We want to make it as loooong as possible, but hopefully til 34 weeks.” Goal C has been 32 weeks.

Sometimes, in marathons, I’ve had to change my goals mid-race. There was the year of the New York City Marathon when my running partner became delirious with dehydration at mile 23 and I waited with her in Central Park while the medics arrived and took her to an ambulence. It added about forty-five minutes to my race time—but whatever!—of course I never ever ever once thought twice about not leaving her side! When she was safely being taking care of and I began running again, I quickly mapped out a new C goal in my head to get me through the final through miles.

Now, I find that my C goal, 32-weeks, is fading. I have a new C goal…one more day. One more day. One more day. One more day.

I oscillate right now between hope that this medicine has chilled out my uterus enough to buy us a day (or more, if I dare to share my honest and outrageous hope)….and fear that once my 11am dose wears off—the last one I will take, my hospital doesn’t use any other anti-contrax meds because their studies show they don’t work—my ute will begin contracting again and I will be in labor and delivering these babies at 30w5d.

I think the best I can do right now is to make peace with this situation. The fact is that our babies may be arriving very very very soon. I need to sack up and summon the strength for labor and for the days that follow and for the weeks and months of NICU-ness. (Babies born this early tend to stay in the NICU til their 40 week due date, or April 23 in my case.)

I am thinking about our plans for if the babies arrive imminently. I’m thinking, after I recover from labor, that perhaps I can continue working so I don’t eat up all of my maternity leave time while the babies are being cared for in the NICU. Unfortunately, my job isn’t at all the type where I can work reduced hours or a part-time sked….but I don’t know, this is a pretty humongous deal and maybe they will have some sympathy for my situation and allow some special treatment so that I can be with the babies during feeding times and doctors rounds and post-work in the evenings.

Even typing all of this breaks my heart, but having a plan always helps me deal, and that’s what needs to be done right now.

Hubs and I also need to finalize our baby names. We have a short but unfinalized list. No more dilly-dallying!

And I need to come to terms that my pregnancy is quickly nearing its end. I have savored every moment of it. Of course, it has been fraught with an IF- and multiple-pregnancy anxiety, but it has been the biggest joy of my entire life. I love feeling the babies move. I love seeing my stomach grow. I love feeling hubs touch my belly and knowing our growing family is inside me. I am not ready to be done with this miraculous experience, but I need to prepare for that reality because otherwise I’m going to be one sad Mama!!! 🙂

Of course, a piece of my heart has hope that I can get through this a bit longer. That my poor uterus and cervie—which think they’re 38 weeks pregnant and so have contracted, effaced and dilated as so many singleton pregnancies do at that point—can just hang on for all of us. I know it’s highly unlikely, but I also know it’s possible.

I would like to end on a very positive note! The babies look great and seem oblivious to all of the drama around them. We got a growth scan ultrasound yesterday—obviously this is just a guesstimate based on body part measurements, but still—and they weighed in at 3 pounds 9 ounces and 3 pounds 7 ounces. I had a cheeseburger and milkshake (haha, of course) last night for dinner and hope that is ekeing them closer to four pounds. 🙂 Grow babies, grow! We love you so so so much our sweet little Baby A and Baby B.

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26 Comments

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26 responses to “Mantra: One more day

  1. lifebytheday

    Keeping my fingers crossed for your Goal C…or else Goal D – two healthy NICU babies! XOXO

  2. Your analogy is a good one – pregnancy (especially twin pregnancy) is a lot like a marathon. There are lots of milestone (many of which you’ve already passed!!!!) and lots of goals to keep aiming for. Every day they stay inside is a blessing and I know you and the babies are in great hands.

    If it’s any reassurance, I have been contracting consistently and often for over 7 weeks now. My doc also does not prescribe the anti-contrax meds and simply said that my uterus thinks it’s a full term pregnancy thus the contrax. Also, I’ve been slowing dilating and effacing for over a month. There is a good chance you can keep these babies cooking for a while longer! But even if these babies come earlier than you expected, they will be in great hands and very, very, very likely to come out of the experience 100% healthy, happy babies.

    Hang in there Egg!

  3. I will continue to pray – thanks for updating! 3lbs+ is such a good weight…but I know you are both so scared and worried about your sweet babes. Babies are strong, amazing fighters and they will fight! Lots of hugs to you 4!!

  4. My heart aches at the thought of you worrying in the hospital, but I have so much confidence and hope that your babies will be born healthy and strong. A friend of mine had her twins at 27 weeks – crazy! – and while they had a pretty long NICU stay, they are both so healthy and now one year old! You have already passed that mark! And (yeah, my logical is not so sound, but anyway…), my birthday is April 23rd so I think that is a great sign that they will be healthy. One more day is a great mantra and I really, really hope you have many more to go…

  5. Keeping everything crossed for many more days and healthy babies!

  6. i love the marathon analogy 🙂 you can do this!!

  7. I’ve been thinking about you and those babies CONSTANTLY the last 24 hours. One more day is a great C goal, and sometimes the only one that can get us through. I know my situation is totally different that yours, but that’s my goal right now, too. Celebrate every day that is normal.

    As scary as it is to contemplate all the things that you may have to process and deal with if these babies come soon, it’s good that you can turn your mind to that. I am praying with you, too! I hope with everything in me that those babies stay in there until 32 weeks, 34 weeks, and on and on and on. But even if they come much sooner, you and they will have awesome medical attention and everything will be okay.

    Stay strong, Egg.

  8. Still keeping everything crossed for you and the babes. I hope they stay in as long as possible and grow as much as possible. One day at a time.

  9. I love your running analogy…I do the same thing with A, B and C goals during tris. And I’ve learned the same lesson as you…sometimes modifying the C goal is what gets you through the last (and usually the most difficult) part of any race.

    The fact that your sweet babies are doing just fine in your belly might be a secret little sign that they are telling you “we’ll be just fine outside of your belly too…whenever we decide to come out!”

    I’ll keep praying for you and hoping that you can hang on one more day:)

  10. I had those whole post worked up about how I just know you’re going to rock it and everything will be ok and about how my boss heard my singing the One Day at a Time tv show theme song after I read your post (i’m an idiot). Unfortunatly it got deleted, oh well.

    What it boiled down to was that you sound like you are rolling with the punches, and I just know that spirit will carry you and the babies through this crazy time. Lots of prayers coming your way.

  11. I hope you can keep them in there for as long as possible. You are so strong! They are getting up there in weight. Hang in there.

  12. Mara

    Thinking about you and your sweet babies so much, Egg. One more day. I wish I could do something to help you. Hang in there as best you can and know how much you and your babies are cared about.

  13. Oh, Egg- I don’t know how I missed yesterday’s post but I just got caught up. I am thinking of you, hubs & the babies! One more Day!

  14. Oh Eggie, you’re so reasonable and positive in the face of what has got to be a scary (and yet thrilling!) experience. One More Day sounds like a perfect goal to focus on right now, when every day makes such a difference. I hope so much you get your A goal…but regardless, I know a year from now you’ll be chasing two healthy, happy little crawlers around the house, marveling at how brief this anxiety provoking waiting-labor-NICU phase feels.

  15. You are so strong, Egg. So pulled together. So intelligent. I can’t imagine anyone else getting through this as gracefully as you’ve been.

    I will continue thinking about you and the babies and hoping beyond hope that they can stay in there longer. If that’s not meant to be, I hope they can both thrive on the outside and surprise everyone with their growth.

    I really think this will happen.

    Much love.

  16. Man oh man…you are doing a great job at planning, and setting goals and keeping your head on straight. I admire you for that. One day at a time is something we IF girls know all too well…but it’s true. Every ounce those babies gain is a goal accomplished. Hang in there…you are doing all you can. I will keep hoping and praying that the babies stay put for at least “one more day”.

  17. Lesley

    I have everything crossed that you make it to 32 weeks. But one more day is always better than not, so I think you have an excellent C goal. I love this concept of A, B, and C goals, by the way, and I am going to steal it from you…

    As far as leave, can you talk to your HR person about donated sick/vacation time? I know that where I work, people are sometimes asking for donated time so that they can deal with illnesses or family situations. I hope they can get something like that to work for you! If the babies come now and need to be in the NICU, you will really want to be there for them at least some of the day… Thinking of you, and hoping all continues to go well (hold ON, cervix!).

  18. AL

    Hoping so much those babies can stay put just a a few more weeks. Hang in there Egg! Your mantra is great – on day at a time!

  19. I hope that revised plan C is not happening. I am willing to stay inside and love that beautiful warm loving environment you have created. Your honesty was beautiful and I hope so much that you are not going into labour for a few more weeks yet. Zen zen zen

  20. FCblacksheep

    Amazing Egg. Amazing. You continue to be my hero.

    Of course I hope those babies stay put (heck who wouldn’t if you’re plying them with milkshakes and burgers) but if they do decide it’s time to enter this world, it sounds like you’re receiving the best possible treatment and that you’re in the best possible frame of mind.

    All my thoughts, hopes, and prayers are still with all of you.

  21. a lot of the things you said in this post reflect how i feel about my babies and it kinda made me teary eyed. you are going to be such an amazing mother. i’m always the eternal pessimist, but i like to remind myself that ‘it could be worse’ when things are looking bad. hang on babies, one more day in mommy is one less day in the nicu! ❤

  22. Grow babies grow! Remember that many twin mamas, myself included, are basically in a type of labor for most of the last month of their pregnancies.

    Thinking of you constantly. With babies coming early, if you are planning on breastfeeding, you will soon become best friends with a breast pump. Please do not hesitate to email me if I can help with pumping. I’ve been full time pumping for 23 weeks now!

  23. I’m glad to hear A and B are doing so well in there. I hope they do stay safe and sound for one more day, and one more day after that, and one more day after that… I’ll be thinking about you often

  24. My prayers are with you and your precious babies! Bess you!

  25. Oh Bestie!!! I am thinking and praying for one or 10 more days for baby A and B! As well as for your sanity and hubs’ doting on you!!!
    Love you!

  26. sienna

    ugh, it makes me crazee that i don’t have access to your blog at work!! been thinking of you all day. i hope you are hanging in there and doing okay. are they keeping you in the hospital until the babies are born? or do you get to go home at some point??? fingers, toes, everything crossed for those babies to stay put for a little while longer. xoxoxoxo.

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