Bed rest would be a million times easier if it weren’t for the weepiness and fear that accompanies it.

I have ordered a couple of books on preemie care and NICU survival off Amazon. I have a cart filled with preemie clothes at preemieoutlet.com. I’ve talked to a coworker and work acquantaince who had their babies at 32 and 33 weeks. I am trying to find peace within the storm of emotions I’m feeling all the time.

It is really hard to read pregnancy blogs, again. All of the women celebrating 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 weeks….all of the women bemoaning that they are still pregnant at 38 or 39 or 40 weeks. It’s too hard to read. Like an IFer riding the bench with a cyst, I would give anything to be in their  shoes. You’d think because I’ve had so much practice with fear and jealousy, I would be good at by now. But it turns out it doesn’t get any easier. (P.S. You know how much I love all of you guys, I’m just so emotional right now!)

It is also really hard to think about my early pregnancy. I have all of these memories of when we first found out we were pregnant….the feeling of them kicking me while I would swim laps every weekend…..the music we were listening to in the car as we drove to Cannon Beach the day we found out that we had two babies on the way….the huge box of cute maternity clothes my friend just sent from Austin that I won’t ever wear since I’m no longer going to work….the nursery with all of its unfinished projects strewn about…..even the freaking meditations that have gotten me through so many anxious times. All of these memories and reminders of earlier milestones make me weepy and seem like such carefree, easy times in retrospect (ha! yes, I am fully aware of the irony of this).

No one really knows what to say. Well-meaning coworkers say things like, “Rest up and recover this weekend and we’ll see you next week!” or “Enjoy watching movies all day!” My Mom says things like, “But now that you’re on bedrest everything will go back to how it’s supposed to be with your cervix, right?” And, “Ohhh, well, if you’re having contractions at home then you’ve definitely dilated a lot more,” and “When does the doctor say the babies are going to be born?” and “I only had 3 hours of labor with all four of you kids—you need to tell your doctors that, they shouldn’t have let you come home.” And the random woman I interviewed for a work story says, “Do you feel responsible for this?”

Sheesh!!!!!! (Hubs always knows exactly what to say, thank the lord. So do AplusB and her hubs, who visited us yesterday with lunch. That was, literally, the world’s biggest boost to my psyche. Good good eggs, those two!!!)

Positive note: Because I am laying down pretty much all of the time, I get to feel the babies bumping around pretty much all of the time. 🙂 I think I spent so much time running around at work, running around at home, running errands….I never got allllllllll of this time to experience how amazing it is to feel sweet Baby A and Baby B inside of me. I treasure it. We love these sweet little babies so very very very much. I pray that they are growing big and strong in there and that my body can just keep holding on….

Surviving today with the babies inside of me is all I can think about.



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26 responses to “31w2d

  1. Esperanza

    Oh Egg, I’m so sorry! This is a really hard situation. I hope you know you have every right to feel all of those things. To mourn those weeks of pregnancy you won’t experience. To mourn those first days with your babies that will be different from what you expected. I can’t imagine what it would be like. I’m glad your husband is there for you and that you have people with similar stories who can reassure you. I wish I had the same. Instead all I can say is that you are in my thoughts and in my heart. I hope those babies stay put for as long as possible!

  2. I’m so sorry you are so emotional! I can’t say that I understand…but I know I would feel the exact same way if I were in your shoes!

    Just try to keep your head up – you are doing such an amazing job keeping those babies inside!! You are doing everything you possible can – you are such a good Mommy!

    I’m so excited that you made it to 31w2d…that is SO GREAT. Keep your head up!!

  3. lifebytheday

    Ugh…this whole thing is so stressful and scary and you have every right to feel emotional! I think there is only one thing that well-intentioned people have in common…they always say the WRONG thing. Just do what is right for you and tune everyone else out (easier said than done, I know).

    While you’re doing your research and online shopping, make sure you track down a few books about bedrest and some goodies for yourself…at this point, your only job is to take care of yourself and hang tough for as long as those babies and your cervie lets you! Let yourself feel sad and scared, but try whatever you can do to find some peace…it will be better for all of you in the long run!

    Sending you hugs and LOTS of prayers.

  4. Of course you are emotional and scared! And of course this is bringing you back to the emotional and scary days of your early pregnancy. Just like then, do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, even if it means turning off the computer and letting hubs handle talking to your mom for a few days. Do you know how amazing it is that it’s been a whole week since you went to the hospital and everything seemed so imminent, and you and those babies are still holding strong?! No matter what I just know in my heart of hearts that your babies are going to be perfect and strong and healthy, even if they need a little extra help for a while, and you are already doing everything you can for them. One more day, praying for one more day!

  5. sienna

    Hang in there egg! Hopefully all this fright is for naught and 3-4 weeks from now, u’ll be in a+b’s shoes amazed that the babies are inside ur belly still and that all is well!! I’ve been contracting like a mofo for 6 weeks straight and its done nothing to my cervix. Have read so many blogs where the contractions don’t mean shit, so no fear that what ur feeling means ur cervix is opening up. I’m just glad they have u resting and things were caught when they did. Do u read any triplet or quad blogs? All the ones I read, babies came early and are 100% healthy, so maybe reading those will calm ur fears? Thinking of u … Xoxo.

  6. Jen

    I always hated when I was on bed rest and people would say things like “Oh….I’m so jealous, I would love to just lie around and do nothing!” It just drove me nuts. Yeah doing nothing sounds fantastic until you CAN’T do anything. Add stress and worry on top of it and you have a regular party!
    Or, “Enjoy it now….” *SIGH*

    Hang in there!

  7. You are doing so, so, so well, Egg, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You are such a great mommy to those babies, and I know they can feel all the love you are sending them. Every day is a good day– you’ve made it a whole week. I believe you will make it one more– and then one after that, too. These babies will be a-ok when they are born, I know it. And if reading about NICU stays helps you feel in control, then that’s good.

    Remember your C goal, one day at a time. You are succeeding! Good job, you!

  8. Sending live and wishes for maximum health and okayness to all of you.

  9. Hugs, hugs, hugs. Bed rest was SO hard for me. I was lonely, scared, and so frustrated. Twin pregnancy is HARD, and you are doing so well! Feel free to shoot me an email if you need to vent. I’m thinking about you constantly.

  10. ohhhhh when I was reading this I just wanted to give you a massive transatlantic / pacific cuddle. I love that you can relax with your babies and keep feeling them kick away inside of you and I did smile when I read that you have pre ordered a bunch of baby clothes just in case (so very eggie!). I did one day of bed rest and it was the pits so I applaud your efforts and I am willing them to stay inside and relish the warmth and love they will keep receiving inutero. Big hugs Eggie!

  11. Tio

    You are doing SUCH a good job looking after those babies. You are also a good egg. Don’t forget it.

  12. Yes, there always seems to be something around the corner and trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, having babies and raising children is always combined with unexpected events. I really hope you get a few more days or better yet, weeks. Good luck.

  13. FCblacksheep

    I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Wish there was something I can say to relieve some of your fears. You’re doing all you can and as always are preparing yourself mentally for anything that might lie ahead. That makes you amazing, which means those babies are pretty amazing too.

  14. Heidi

    All those feelings are so normal and valid! I just want to say that I’m praying for you and the babies. I think it’s a great idea to start reading about preemies–the more you know and understand, the less scary and “unknown” it maybe will be. you CAN do this, especially with all your great support. Those little babes are beautiful miracles, and you are truly blessed to have them forever 🙂 **hugs**

  15. You’re doing great, Egg! People are going to say insensitive things…it’s really frustrating. I think it’s just impossible for people to even begin to relate unless they’ve been in your shoes. Just try to remember that most of the comments are out of love and concern (just coming out awkward and weird). Anyway, those babies are growing every single minute of every day…you’ve made it a week and hopefully many more weeks to come! xoxo

  16. Egg! You’re doing great. It’s normal to think about all the what-ifs with premies and the NICU and the things you could have done with the nursery and all the memories of how this miracle came to be. But the truth is, you’re going to have two beautiful and loved babies in the next few months and nothing that you did or can do will stop them from coming when they feel like coming. I’m going to give you my L&D nurse two cents- Babies over 30 weeks do better than babies under 30 weeks. Every day that you keep them in there is a feat, celebrate it! The truth is that your doctor’s wouldn’t have sent you home if you weren’t stable, so your cervix must be remaining the same. Two babies is a lot of pressure in there and sometimes ladies will dilate just from the pressure. It doesn’t mean you’re in preterm labor. You never know what could happen either way. You’re doing everything right. Take it easy on your body and your heart. You’re doing the best you can. I’ve been praying for you guys and thinking about you a lot. Maybe your babies just decided to give you a much needed rest before they make their arrival. Promise me that once you make it to 34 weeks (which I’m hoping you do) that you’ll relax a little and be excited again, okay? Love to you!

  17. You are doing so great!! I hate that you back in the state where people make stupid comments that aren’t meant to hurt, but do. That is never easy, especially now. I am thrilled to hear of your work set up and continue to be so inspired by your ability to look at the positive in everything. You are doing awesome! You are already proving what an amazing momma you are!

  18. hang in there mama. You are doing a great job. I hope and pray for the best for you and those babies!!! 🙂

  19. I am happy to hear that you were able to get the contractions stopped and the babies are all snugly still inside your womb! I am praying that this bedrest does the trick for you and stops those contractions for a few weeks! I enjoyed reading about how you always have 3 goals – I really like that idea. It sounds like you are doing a really WONDERFUL job of coping – even if you do feel like an emotional wreck. I think that’s got to be normal! I hope that your work keeps you distracted from the scary stuff as much as possible!

  20. You are amazing. Seriously.

    I hope those babies can manage to stay in there a lot longer. Rest assured, though, you are doing absolutely everything you can to ensure their health. You’re a great mom already.

  21. Jin

    I’ve been horrible with keeping up with blogs. But just checking in to see how you and the babies are doing. I’m sorry about all the suckiness :o(

    And if I get a chance to be pregnant again, I wont complain about how craptastic I feel at 39 weeks.

    Hang in there, and I’ll check back on ya soon!

  22. Jin

    that was supposed to be a sad smiley face. weird.

  23. Like everyone else says, you’re entitled to these very valid feelings. I really hope educating yourself is comforting, not terrifying. It’s certainly good to plan ahead, but I hope that cart full of preemie clothes never gets purchased. I love what Rose says about celebrating every day. Not just surviving, but celebrating.

  24. You are doing so so so so well, Egg!! I can only imagine how frustrating this all much be and that how helpless you must feel – just HOPING that everything goes well and those babies stay put! But you are doing all that you can to keep them in there, you are already being a fantastic mom to them, so just keep on as best you can. The extra movement that you are getting is surely your babies’ way of reasurring you… “We’re okay, Mom! Geeze, lighten up!!!” all accompanied by a couple of adorable tiny little eye rolls!!

  25. Sorry your having difficulties, but you are doing so awesome. Just keep getting yourself distracted with fun things off of amazon and feeling your cute babies. Just a bit longer.

  26. AL

    I’m so sorry, Egg! You are doing awesome and your very very best at keeping those babies in as long as possible, that’s all you can do! I hate that people make such dumb comments to you ~ it’s almost like dumb IF comments all over again but even worse because EVERYONE knows about it and tries to offer some sort of {lame ass} support.

    You’ve made it so far Egg, things are going to be okay. Every day with the babies inside is a day to celebrate (I’ve been thinking that w/ my whole pregnancy, every day pregnant I celebrate!)

    Hang in Egg! Thinking of you and your twinsies!

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