P.S.

I have been sort of wallowing in my own stagnation lately. My mind has wandered to dark, dark places. A lot of you sounded like you wanted to kick my as$ after my last post. I appreciate the candor and the thoughtful comments.

I think I should clarify a few things. 1) I am still running regularly and I enjoy it immensely. 2) I am proud of my athletic accomplishments. 3) Wondering if the endurance running/exercise triggered my anovulation is not me beating myself up. It is me searching for answers.

Many of you have, with your RE’s help, pinpointed why you can’t conceive: poor ovarian reserve, or hypothyroidism, or male factor, or fibroids, or endometriosis, or PCOS, or [insert totally sucky infertility issue here]. It all freaking sucks. All of it. Yet knowing WHY a woman can’t conceive has the small silver lining of presenting a targeted treatment plan. My diagnosis, like many women out there, is a little hazier. I have unexplained anovulation. My hormones are a little bit all over the place but nothing so wacky or out of the range of normal that it raises a red flag. (In fact, in my consult with Dr. K today, she said we are “literally shooting in the dark” with me. More on that in another post.)

And it’s my personality to wonder, why? Is there something I did to cause this, and if so, can I never do it again? I agree that life would be eaiser and I’d probably be taking this whole “infertile” thing a lot better if I could stop trying to understand why it’s happening—if I could simply accept that it “is what it is.” My friends, I wish it was as easy as turning off a switch.

This is who I am. I wonder. I obsess. I stress. It’s just….me. I’ve always been tightly wound. In middle school I used to be on the verge of vomiting the night before track meets because I would get so nervous. Once I actually started running on race day, everything was fine. It was the build-up. And the same is true as an adult. Before a job interview or big presentation at work I make myself sick with anxiety. When it’s finally time, I perform well. It’s just the waiting, the wondering, the dark possibility of failure. And so it goes with IF. When I’m actually DOING something (Googling, writing, taking supplements, going to acupuncture, scanning studies online, cycling, whatever), I feel more in control. It gives me a small sense of solace. I have been benched for six of the past eight months, so I’ve had a lot of time to think and worry.

I realize that all of this stressing and wondering and worrying is counterproductive. I know that if I could JUST RELAX it would boost my chances of conception. All I can say is that I’m working on it. It’s a daily process. I have been talking to an IF counselor. I asked for a package of yoga classes for my birthday. I told hubs he could tell his Mom about our IF problems. Just this week I began turning down freelance projects to focus on recharging and having fun on the weekends. I booked a spa trip with my Mom. I recognize that my quest to know WHY may not be as important as I sometimes wish it were. And I’m trying to do positive, Zen-ish things for myself, because I know that mellowness can only help me at this point.

Okay, this is my space and I know I can say what I want to, but I felt I should give you bloggies some background on my last post since the comments were especially, um, poignant for me.

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “P.S.

  1. I’m wound up too tightly at times too. I over think things and make things way bigger than they should be as well. Just wanted to let you know your not alone.

  2. Take care love…you know what you are doing , thinking, finding out about etc. and youare the one who matetrs here xx bless you

  3. I know exactly what you mean. It’s just the way you (and me) are wired. We’re wired to THINK about everything. It’s the way we work and the way we get things done. And it’s ok.
    Sounds like you are taking some very positive steps in this journey (consult with Dr. K, yoga, spa trips) – I guess if anything “good” can come of all this, we know ourselves a bit better and develop awesome coping skills, right?!
    Can’t wait to hear about your consult. Hope it went well. XOXO

  4. Eight months with only two shots–I’d have RIPPED MY EYES OUT BY NOW! Um, anyway, yes, answers = good. I think knowing why is *extremely* important. I don’t think you’re obsessing over nothing, plus, if you weren’t worrying about this, you’d just be worrying about something else. I think your situation is remarkably hard. Not only is anovulation a tricky mess to begin with, but when there’s no obvious explanation? Beyond hard! I guess the one thing I would say is: having an explanation, if you ever get a real solid one, may not be the silver bullet. I mean, my RE thinks he knows what’s up with me, and I am totally unconvinced and spend all my time obsessing over reasons he might be wrong. The important thing is that you are doing everything right. You’re doing all you can, and if that includes considering explanations that might lead to all kinds of what if scenarios, then that’s just how it is. (P.S. I’m honored to be sharing this bench with you, but if coach doesn’t put you in pretty soon, the whole team is going to walk out. Even if it means we blow the rest of our season.)

  5. LTB

    hey egg! I too used to get so nervous for track meets (even had to quit the senior cross country running team in highschool because I was making myself so sick for days before each race I couldn’t even eat!) We sound so much alike! I hate the build up and I can feel your anxiety and hating being so out of control in this situation! I wish I could take it all away for you! BUt i’m so glad you have made steps to add some freedom and fun to your life! I know you’ll be off the bench soon and will be back kicking IF’s ass! Keep fighting egg!
    LTB

  6. I sincerely hope I didn’t say anything to offend. I just wanted you to know I’m impressed with your accomplishments. I am the same way and I completely understand wanting to find a reason. How else is one supposed to conquer this beast? “Unexplained” is the worst of them all.

  7. Girl, you and I are the same person because I worry about EVERYTHING. If I didn’t know better, I would think I was OCD. Seriously. My husband jokes that I always need something to worry about and it’s true. The worst part I’ve found about infertility is that I can worry all day long (and I do!) but the situation is completely out of my control. And that frustrates the shit out of me.

    You are making such good steps to be positive and zen. So good that I’m trying to channel some of that energy from you! But you should know that you aren’t alone. xo

  8. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me too and WHY does take over. However and whatever you are fgeeling are YOUR feelings and you can’t apologize for them. My therapist told me once, your emotions are a gift from God. Embrace them, feel them, but don’t let them consume you! This helps me to let my feelings live themselves out and not be sorry for them! Love you!

  9. Al

    You’re doing great things to be calm, Egg. Yoga, therapy, spa weekend – all great steps for being positive and zen in a sh!t-tastic situation.

    It’s SO hard to not know why and I totally get your need to search for the reason. Hang in there. Can’t wait for you to get your shot.

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