Mantra: One more day

Thank you all so much for the words of love and support and prayer yesterday. They all warmed my heart and continue to give me strength!

Now I’m going to go all runner-analogy on you. Whenever I do a marathon, I begin training with an A goal, B goal and C goal. A is my secret goal that I only tell hubs…..like PR and qualify for Boston. B is a legit goal I tell the outside world, like “I really hope I can break X time.” C is a sub-par goal that I keep to myself, but a result I can live with, like, “finish in under 4 hours.”

With this pregnancy, I have had A, B and C goals. To hubs, I would openly hope for 5 pound babies and to make it to 36 weeks. I knew those were pretty sky-high hopes, but with feeling so good and so strong this entire time, I didn’t think it was totally impossible. Goal B has been, “We want to make it as loooong as possible, but hopefully til 34 weeks.” Goal C has been 32 weeks.

Sometimes, in marathons, I’ve had to change my goals mid-race. There was the year of the New York City Marathon when my running partner became delirious with dehydration at mile 23 and I waited with her in Central Park while the medics arrived and took her to an ambulence. It added about forty-five minutes to my race time—but whatever!—of course I never ever ever once thought twice about not leaving her side! When she was safely being taking care of and I began running again, I quickly mapped out a new C goal in my head to get me through the final through miles.

Now, I find that my C goal, 32-weeks, is fading. I have a new C goal…one more day. One more day. One more day. One more day.

I oscillate right now between hope that this medicine has chilled out my uterus enough to buy us a day (or more, if I dare to share my honest and outrageous hope)….and fear that once my 11am dose wears off—the last one I will take, my hospital doesn’t use any other anti-contrax meds because their studies show they don’t work—my ute will begin contracting again and I will be in labor and delivering these babies at 30w5d.

I think the best I can do right now is to make peace with this situation. The fact is that our babies may be arriving very very very soon. I need to sack up and summon the strength for labor and for the days that follow and for the weeks and months of NICU-ness. (Babies born this early tend to stay in the NICU til their 40 week due date, or April 23 in my case.)

I am thinking about our plans for if the babies arrive imminently. I’m thinking, after I recover from labor, that perhaps I can continue working so I don’t eat up all of my maternity leave time while the babies are being cared for in the NICU. Unfortunately, my job isn’t at all the type where I can work reduced hours or a part-time sked….but I don’t know, this is a pretty humongous deal and maybe they will have some sympathy for my situation and allow some special treatment so that I can be with the babies during feeding times and doctors rounds and post-work in the evenings.

Even typing all of this breaks my heart, but having a plan always helps me deal, and that’s what needs to be done right now.

Hubs and I also need to finalize our baby names. We have a short but unfinalized list. No more dilly-dallying!

And I need to come to terms that my pregnancy is quickly nearing its end. I have savored every moment of it. Of course, it has been fraught with an IF- and multiple-pregnancy anxiety, but it has been the biggest joy of my entire life. I love feeling the babies move. I love seeing my stomach grow. I love feeling hubs touch my belly and knowing our growing family is inside me. I am not ready to be done with this miraculous experience, but I need to prepare for that reality because otherwise I’m going to be one sad Mama!!! 🙂

Of course, a piece of my heart has hope that I can get through this a bit longer. That my poor uterus and cervie—which think they’re 38 weeks pregnant and so have contracted, effaced and dilated as so many singleton pregnancies do at that point—can just hang on for all of us. I know it’s highly unlikely, but I also know it’s possible.

I would like to end on a very positive note! The babies look great and seem oblivious to all of the drama around them. We got a growth scan ultrasound yesterday—obviously this is just a guesstimate based on body part measurements, but still—and they weighed in at 3 pounds 9 ounces and 3 pounds 7 ounces. I had a cheeseburger and milkshake (haha, of course) last night for dinner and hope that is ekeing them closer to four pounds. 🙂 Grow babies, grow! We love you so so so much our sweet little Baby A and Baby B.

Zen zen zen zen zen zen zen zen

Greetings from Ante Partum. I was sent to Labor & Delivery at 8:30am yesterday morning, because my routine biweekly checkup with Dr. Zen turned out to be not so routine. All was going well until the cervie check. She pulled her hand out and said, “Well, my dear, your cervix has changed considerably since I last saw you. You’re 100% effaced [no length left] and 1.5cm dilated.” Then she hugged me and told me she was sending me to L&D for steroids for the babies’ lungs and to monitor my cervix and contractions (which I could not feel AT ALL) and to determine if I was in active labor.

Fast-forward through the scariest day of my entire life. I don’t even want to get into it the dark places I have been mentally and emotionally. On the upside, the care here is absolutely awesome: I have been ultrasound-ed, my cervix has been checked so many times that I’m leaking blood, I’ve gotten one steroid injection for the babies’ lungs, I’m on an IV for hydration, I’ve taken multiple rounds of blood pressure meds to relax my uterus, I’ve met the NICU doctor to learn about the potential issues in 30-week babies (shudder), I’ve signed the paperwork for an epidural, I’ve met with seven nurses, a triage doc, the anesthesiologist, a couple of residents and one of Dr. Zen’s partners…..and on and on and on. Today will hold more of the same!

The (really really really) good news is that last night I was cleared to eat (yip!) and got moved up to Ante Partum from L&D. My cervix has not worsened since I got here (please please please no jinxies) and also the contractions (which, yes, I now know what they feel like) have mellowed from every 90 seconds to every 5 to 7 minutes. They have taken me off the fetal and contraction monitors so it’s up to me to alert someone if the contrax become more frequent or painful.

I haven’t been able to sleep more than maybe an hour or two hour total, even though I’m no longer on the uncomfie fetal and contraction monitors. It is so hard to quiet my whirring mind. And I find myself crying every couple of hours…with overwhelming fear and love for our sweet little babies. I know that’s not good for me or them so I try hard to breathe through the tough spells. Hubs had to go home last night after our romantic V-day dinner (haha)—he has a major academic deadline this week so the timing is pretty much the worst for him—but he will be back here at some point today (working away) and I know that just having in my room will help. He is definitely my rock. I miss him!

So now we watch and wait and hope and pray and hope and pray and hope and pray that the contrax continue to chillax, and that my cervie stays strong. (It can’t stay long, there’s nothing left of it!)

Please pray for our sweet little babies. It is too early for them to come out into the world, they are so tiny and have so much left to do before we meet them. I am so grateful they were able to at least get an extra day inside of me and that they are getting these amazing steroids. Every day is so very important to their survival and health in the real world.

Zen zen zen zen zen zen zen zen.

Multiples birthing class

We had part 1 of our multiples labor and delivery class last night. I have been totally, completely, weirdly excited for this class.

I felt so lucky to be in a class geared specifically toward multiples (there were even two triplet couples!). There were bellys of all sizes, women slumping in their chairs into more comfy positions, some ridiculously out-of-control belly rubbers (oh, my), the whole mix. When you’re having twins, you are at risk for a more complicated birth. For that reason, unmedicated births, water births—and all of those other beautiful birthing options I have seen so many bloggies write about—are not even on the table. It’s just too dangerous. As a twin Mom at my hospital, you get epidural-ed up (sans meds) as soon as you check in. This is in case—even if you’re planning a vag-birth—complications arise and an emergency c-section is necessary. I’ve never been to a singleton class, but I imagine there is a fair amount of time spent on unmedicated birthing and that sort of thing—we didn’t even go there.

I am perfectly okay with this. I mean, I am really really really hoping to be able to do a vaginal birth, but my #1 priority is that these babies are healthy. Not to suggest that’s not every woman’s priority, I just mean that I’m at peace with the lack of options.

We spent a lot of time talking about contractions, water breaking, and signs of pre-term labor. (So happy to learn all about this stuff!) I was really relieved to see that half of the women in the class, like me, did not know what contrax or BHs feel like. The nurse leading the lesson assured us that we’re allllll having them—at least every 30 to 90 minutes—but some women don’t have the physical symptoms that others have. (Isn’t it shocking I don’t have these symptoms!? Haha.) The other half of the women could very colorfully describe exactly what they feel whenever they have a contraction.

We spent some time discussing what happens in a vag-birth and even got to watch a couple of videos of actual twin births. (My sweet hubs did not have to leave the room like he did while I watched my National Geographic: Multiples In the Womb DVD a few months ago! I was very impressed.) All I have to say is…..whoooooa.

After the gory scenes, tears would well up in my eyes watching the babies make it out safe and sound. Obviously, I attended this class to prepare for birth and feel like this might actually be happening to us. On the other hand, I am still engulfed with this overwhelming feeling of REALLY?! Are we really going to be so lucky? Are we really going to meet these babies we love so much? Please lord, please let this work! Please let everything be okay!

Part 2 of the class is all about c-sections, taking care of infant twins and a (yip!) hospital tour.

I think a big thing for me all along has been finding a balance between the scary thinking and the positive thinking. Fact: Being pregnant with twins makes you high risk and sets you up for a plethora of complications. Fact: It’s important to know what those risks and complications and symptoms are so you can be prepared. Fact: Dwelling on these potential problems and reading about them online is horrible for my psyche. It takes me to dark and anxious places—it raises my delicate anxiety meter to an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10.

I try so hard to toe the line of “everything is going great!” and “everything can change at any moment!” Because they are both true. And I am so grateful to have this challenge. 30 weeks tomorrow.