Blogiversary + an awesome new bloggie

I started my blog a year and two weeks ago. (What!? How did that happen?! Crazy.) I never ever would’ve dreamed that I would be a “blogger,” but as I got deeper into this IF mess, I found myself finding so much information and solace on blogs I’d discover through Google, or via other blogs, that I started to see the benefits of having a place to share my own thoughts and fears. Plus, I began leaving the world’s longest comments (no joke) and realized I had a lot more to say than I realized.

Blogging has been wonderful to me. Through it I have been able to vent, share, commiserate and learn so much. It has given me a place to articulate my darkest fears and my brightest dreams. It has allowed me to record everything I’ve learned along the way. It has made me feel so much less lonely. There is nothing like a thoughtful comment in my inbox to pick me up on a tough day. (Thank you for all of them, I treasure them.) I honestly don’t know how women endure IF without this support system, it has been so huge in my life.

But blogging has evolved since we found we were pregnant in August. It just doesn’t feel right to go on and on about pregnancy stuff all the time when so many of my bloggie friends are still stuck in the trenches, fighting the good fight. Even talking about the anxiety of pregnancy feels insensitive, because I know that all a TTCer wants is to be pregnant, anxiety and all thankyouverymuch. I know this because I have been that person for much longer than I have been anything else. I think about you guys all the time, and want you to make it out of the IF purgatory with my entire heart. I know it must be hard to come and visit my space….I know this because some days (weeks, months) it was too heart-wrenching for me to visit my pregnant friends’ blogs while I was still riding the bench with yet another cystie, or doing more follow-up RE consults, or bemoaning Clomid, or pretty much constantly fearing that this would never ever ever work for me, oh no, I would never be so fortunate as those freaking lucky pregnant bloggers. I mean, I left Twitter because I couldn’t deal with the pregnancy 24-7 updates. Of course I never begrudged them their success in getting pregnant, it’s just that I wanted it so very very very badly for hubs and me, too, and sometimes that hurt feels too heavy to bear. I have not forgotten, and I never ever will.

The other ridiculously cool thing about starting this blog is that I have made some awesome friends online and in town because of it—that’s a whole other post in itself—but as I’m having this reflective moment (haha), I wanted to mention a new IF blogger you should visit, Mrs. Brightside. Mrs. B lives in Chicago and I met her during weekly IF mind-body meditation classes at Pulling Down the Moon over the summer. At our first class together we were both pretty much sobbing during the pre-meditation “sharing” portion of the class and went through half a box of Kleenex between the two of us…..it’s amazing what a class like that (and an awesome instructor) can release in you. Something just clicked between the two of us and we stood outside for eons afterward, sharing our stories and commiserating….and we’ve pretty much never stopped. In fact, I felt so safe and comfortable with her that I even shared my blog’s address—something I have never done with anyone else in real life (besides hubs of course). She has become a dear friend in this journey and I know everyone will welcome her into the blogging world as she has just taken the plunge with her very first post!

In other news, I miraculously survived some crazy-late nights this past weekend and didn’t get TOO cranky. Hubs and I have no visitors and no trips planned until Thanksgiving and I am so excited to be at home in a more mellow state for a while. There’s no place like home! 🙂

The very best egg in my life

On Sunday hubs and I celebrated 10 years of being together. 🙂 We flew home to visit my family for the weekend, and spent the day cheering against each other at Arrowhead Stadium as we rooted on our respective football teams with my fam (Chiefs for me, Bills for him). We flew back last night and made one of our fave meals together, homemade deep dish pizza. And then we just chilled on the couch together. Perfection.

I met hubs on my very first day of college, in Latin class. But it wasn’t until junior year that we clickity-click-clicked and became good friends. By senior year I was totally, completely, head over heels smitten with him. It was with utter joy that I realized my feelings were reciprocated, on Halloween 2000. We have never looked back! We were together for almost six years when we got married and now have been together for 10 awesome years. I can’t wait for the next 10!!! We are so so so happy to be where we are today—we feel incredibly grateful for our sweet babies and hope and pray with every cell in us that they keep growing big and strong and healthy.

Hubs is my rock, my best friend and the love of my life. I feel lucky every single day I wake up and turn over and see him next to me. He is a good, good egg. 🙂 And in case you think I’m just being sappy (which I realize I am), let me remind you of something he emailed me last March. At that point I’d been in treatment since October, had done Clomid/triggered twice, had been on the bench three different months, and had just learned that our third round of Clomid/estrogen was being cancelled due to poor lining response and no follies over 10mm. It was a few days before the consult wherein Dr. C uttered the “surrogacy” word. It was probably the darkest of all of the very dark months we endured. And hubs helped me through it. Okay, without further ado, this was written by hubs on March 10:

A Poem About Monitoring Day

I know you are sad, it’s not a good day.

the ultrasound tech had nothing good to say.

you feel its your fault, more drugs could have helped.

but you can’t second guess the cards you’ve been dealt.

it’s not a perfect science, trial and error.

the good news is, your parts are all there!

who knows? maybe this cycle isn’t a waste

but even if it is, you’ve been in a worse place.

you’ve spent months at a time, trying to stay sane,

waiting patiently to take your clomiphene.

next month you can cycle, and try something new.

you are healthy and young, and have a hubs who loves you.

It must be a struggle to try and be zen,

you feel it is useless to take more estrogen.

But you can be treated with a larger dose

It might be that simple! you could be so close!

There are other orals, or even injectables,

maybe our future holds the potential for multiples!?!?

Patience! I know it feels you are facing an eternity,

but maybe this is fate, prepping you for maternity.

I love you so much, I hate when you are sad.

It makes my heart hurt, I can’t help but feel bad.

I know you can’t help it, there is nothing I can say.

I just hope this poem somewhat brightens your day.

Just vegging

Oh my gosh you guys, I know how this looks. Posting on a Friday night! The truth is, my job has changed a bit lately and since I don’t leave the office til close to 8pm most Friday nights, the hubs and I have taken to just chillin’ at home. It’s all good. We like cooking, queuing up the DVR for all the stuff we missed during the week (y’know, 30 Rock, Top Chef, Mad Men, Project Runway…our faves!), then hanging together and basically decompressing. It’s nice.

Tonight, we’re making pizza. Homemade dough (it’s a cinch, I promise!) some veggies (‘shrooms, red pepper, onion, jaleps) and light on the mozzie cheese. We make this at least once a week, so I already know it’s going to be good.

Anyway, nights like tonight, I have to pause and reflect that…life is good. I know that sounds horribly hokey. But it’s true. I’m so lucky to have a job I love, and to come home to a cutie hubs who is totally cool with just vegging with our veggie ‘za. We have done the whole party/bars scene (umm, a lot of it), and over the past couple of years we’ve sorta slowly morphed into this couple that usually cooks in. We’re not total hermits! We do still like to go out and see our friends…get our drink on every once and a while, all that good stuff, f course. But we’ve become pretty mellow. We work hard, we….hang out hard?

Tomorrow is our nine year anniversary. Not of being married, but of being together. Nine years is a long time! “That’s almost a third of your life!” my Dad would say. (Actually, he’d have calculated out the exact fraction, to the day. Umm, stay tuned for an update on that, maybe I’ll put it into Excel or something before the end of this post.) It’s weird to think about. It’s weird to me I have dear friends who have met, married, conceived, and started raising kids in the time my hubs and I am have been together. Part of me is like, What in the world have we been doing all this time!?

We’ve been seeing friends. Running marathons. Going to grad school. Visiting our families. Moving. Changing jobs. Working. Traveling. Cooking pizzas and eating them together. It may not sound crazy-substantial, but we’ve been up to some stuff!

Okay, I just figured it out. Hubs and I have been totally, blissfully, hugs-and-kisses-and-kittens-and-rainbows together for 29.45% of my life. You know what? Maybe that eggie is just waiting for me to reach the big 3-0%!!!!