35 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I felt safe moving more than a centimeter every few seconds, I’d be doing a ridiculous happy dance right now! YIP YIP YIP!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 Great job, sweet little babies! Great job, ute! Great job, cervie!

I feel like labor has to be very imminent. I am having a ton of snotty discharge, which is what happened when I went from 1cm to 3cm. And Baby A is giving me all sorts of crazy pelvic pressure. Most of the time I just can’t believe they are still in there, safely and happily hanging out and growing and getting bigger and stronger as my cervix opens up. I know this sounds crazy, but I worry about Baby A just popping out….I know, I’m nuts.

Bedrest is still my norm, though I have taken Dr. Zen’s advice and made one mellow outing each day since Monday. On Tuesday, hubs’s MIL flew in from out of town and the three of us went out to dinner. On Wednesday evening, she drove me to the salon for a haircut. Yesterday morning, she drove me to the dermatologist. IT WAS AMAZING TO BE OUTSIDE! Of course I always go right back to horizontal position as soon as I get home and the furthest I (slooooooowly) walked was from a curb to a chair at each outing. But still, it was awesome. She also did a ton of errands for us, which was so kind and has made me feel so much more “together” (Costco, Target, various returns I haven’t been able to do, etc). We are so lucky to have such wonderful Moms—I only wish they lived here instead of having to take plane trips to visit!

I know my updates are super-boring these days, and I’m sorry bloggies!! But this is my life, this is what consumes me: One more day, one more day, one more day.

Yip!

The nurse called to tell me about the results of my fasting and glucose bloodtests I took on Monday morning. Both were perfectly normal! No more blood tests for me! Yip yip yip!!!! She was unclear on whether this means I am no longer considered a GDer….as in, she didn’t know whether or not I need to keep following my special GD diet. She said to just keep up with it and I can discuss it with Dr. Zen at my next appointment.

Which is fine, I am perfectly okay with this new eating plan. But I will probably splurge on more milkshakes, since I want those babies growing nice and chubby and since I became OBSESSED with them the moment I got the initial GD news. (Haha.)

This has been an nutty, busy, stressful, looooong week of work—with a blizzard thrown in for good measure. Suddenly, my sleep went from bad-ish (waking every two hours to pee and think about the state of the world) to bad (not comfortable in any position, oddly achey legs that remind me of marathon training, weird heavy-ness in my lower ute that makes me panic-y-ish, can’t fall back to sleep unless my bladder is 100% empty, which honestly means getting up and peeing all.the.time, etc!)….which has not helped me power through the craziness at work. I am seriously like a beached whale flipping around in bed every night, poor poor hubs! But it is soooooo worth it for the sweet little babies to be comfie and growing big, strong and healthy in there. Sweet little babies.

I am SO HAPPY it’s Friday and that I got some good GD news to end the week. Yip for 29 weeks! Keep growing big and strong, Baby A and Baby B!! 🙂

Ahh, Dr. Zen

Alrighty, here is a big ‘ol 28 week update.

• I showed up for my 10am appointment having not eaten or drank anything since last night and they literally had no idea what kind of blood draw they were supposed to do with me, it was chaos for almost 45 minutes. I was like, PEOPLE! I would rather not beg you to draw my blood! I’m just following the OB’s orders! Whatever is going on, can I please just eat my breakfast?! They eventually sorted it out and we did my fasting blood draw and one-hour post-breakfast blood draw. The lab technician explained the confusion by saying, “It’s just so RARE we have people fail the 3-hour GTT.” Thanks dude. 🙂 I splurged on part of a milkshake AND a piece of apple pie on Saturday (with protein, promise!) so I hope that didn’t f- up my results. Oh well.
• The growth scan was awesome. Baby A (boy) is measuring 2 pounds 11 ounces and Baby B (girl) is measuring 2 pounds 9 ounces. Good good good job, sweet little babies! Keep growing big and strong!!!
• I got to see Dr. Zen for the first time since our 21 week anatomy scan! She is such a calm, soothing presence and is so honest and articulate. I really really really like her.
• Baby A is head down and Baby B is breech. Dr. Zen said that, barring the myriad complications that can happen at pretty much anytime now, she wants to do a vaginal delivery with me. This is my first choice, too, as I would like to experience labor. (I know, nutso.) I told her I would prefer the vag-delivery if I could have my druthers, but also that I am 100% comfortable doing whatever is best for the babies, whether that’s c-section or whatever.
• I can continue swimming, lifting, elliping, walking, working, sex, etc etc etc for as long as I feel up to it. Btw, I am not really feeling up to much these days. 🙂 Just sayin’.
• Dr. Zen said if I can make it to 36 weeks I’m going to be very big and uncomfortable and that she recommends working from home or working reduced hours, if possible. Unfort, that is NOT possible with my job. If I’m not at work, I’m not able to work. (Side note: I could maybe work from home on Mondays, this is something I’ve requested for post-maternity leave but my bosses are still thinking it over.) She understood the predicament and suggested I simply not take on any new projects starting at 36 weeks. (Oh, to make it to 36 weeks!)
• Because the twinsies’ feet are in about the same spot, I can’t differentiate movement from them individually. Dr. Zen said I should feel at least three bouts of movement a day.
• She did a manual cervie check and I’m long and closed. Phew.
• I gained one pound over two weeks, for a grand total of 23 pounds. This seems low to me, but Dr. Zen isn’t worried so I’m not going to be either. I was eating so weirdly for that week before I met with the R.D., I wonder if that’s to blame?
• We talked about Braxton Hicks. (Yes, I talk to EVERY doctor about BHs.) Leave it to Dr. Zen to finally make me understand them! She said, “You know when you get up from going to the bathroom and you have some tightness all over your stomach?” Yes, I do know that feeling. “Those are BHs.” So far, I don’t think I experience them much outside of the zillion and one times a day and night I go to the bathroom. We’ll see how long that lasts…
• What I do have: random shooting pains in my lady parts region. And random stabbing pains on the right or left side of my uterus. It is pretty cool that my body is doing weird stuff, and I try to focus on that and not panic! Sometimes at night I feel crampy-ish—like that heavy pre-period feeling—and it freaks me out because many bloggies describe the time right before labor in the same way. Again, zen zen zen zen. I am trying to trust that if something is wrong, or I’m going into labor, I will KNOW.
• Speaking of the bathroom, I’m seriously going a minimum of every 2 hours at night. It’s been like this for the past month. No wonder my right groin muscle kills from swinging it over my Snoog so much, this is what I’d call a chronic overuse injury.
• We’re scheduled to attend our first of two multiples birthing class on Wednesday night. Unfortunately, there’s a big blizzard heading straight for Chicago on Wednesday so I’m guessing it’ll get cancelled. Hopefully they will resked soon, we are now in the anything-can-happen–zone and I would really love to get this class in ASAP.
• I have not really blogged about it, but I am literally obsessed with the baby room we’re putting together.  Since we have not traveled or hosted guests the past two weekends, and since I’ve phased out all freelance work going forward, I’ve been able to make progress on all sorts of house projects on Saturdays and Sundays. It feels SO GOOD to cross some long-standing items off my long to-do list. Hubs is crazy-busy with some academic deadlines, but he’s a good egg and helps where he can. Stay tuned for deets.

It’s pretty crazy to be talking about labor and the baby room and ending work and all of that stuff. (Please let everything be okay!!) I am hoping and praying so hard that our sweet little babies keep growing big and strong and that I am able to keep them in as long as possible. So much is out of my control, I am going to just keep feeding them healthy foods, taking it easy when I can, resting as much as possible, exercising when I’m up to it, and working hard at work and at home to create the safest, happiest, most nurturing place possible for them when they are ready to meet hubs and me.

Keep on keeping on. Zen zen zen zen. Positive thinking. All of that good stuff!!!

Consult with the R.D.

Since I got the ‘ol GD diagnosis last Wednesday, I went crazy Googling and reaching out to women who had GD during pregnancy. And then I went a little crazy overhauling my diet….majorly cutting back on carbs and eating a lot more salads instead of sandwiches. The result: I have been hungry all week. Which I KNOW is not good for the babies, who need to grow big and strong!!!

Fortunately, what I was missing was some advice from an actual expert. I met with my clinic’s R.D. yesterday morning. I learned that I am seriously borderline…she was almost surprised my clinic sent me to her. But the rules about GD are becoming more stringent, and my clinic is dutifully applying their latest rules to people like me. (Women typically have to fail two of the blood draws to be diagnosed with GD, I failed one by less than 10 points…and I passed the fasting blood draw no problem…my OB and R.D. said that means I wouldn’t have been flagged had I done a traditional screening test that most clinics use.)

All of that said, I remain really grateful that my clinic is taking my results seriously. As bothersome as it might be to have to count carbs and stuff, I’d rather be safe than sorry. And who knows, once I begin my weekly blood draws (fasting level then breakfast at the doctor’s office, then another draw one hour later to see how my bod is dealing with glucose), maybe I’ll be failing left and right and we’ll all say SEEEEEE, the new rules are there for a reason!! But I’m hoping I can pass a few tests because then my clinic will just let me follow my new diet and go on my merry little non-blood draw way. 🙂

So here’s the gist….

• Carbs are NOT out, in fact, I should eat them at every meal and snack. But I need to count them and not exceed 175–200g in a day.
• I need to always eat protein with my carbs. So, instead of a plain apple, an apple with peanut butter smeared on it. Instead of a half a cupcake (yes! they are allowed!), a half a cupcake with a handful of nuts. Instead of my usual Cheerios for breakfast, a whole grain English muffin with an over-easy egg.
• I need to eat every 2–3.5 hours even if I’m not hungry.
• Exercise helps insulin do its job better (breaking down glucose so the body can use it efficiently). I’m adding back my morning calisthenics and weight lifting sessions in front of the Today Show, which I’d become soooo lazy on. It feels good! 🙂 And I’ll continue my weekend swims and EZ ellips sessions + upper body weight lifting.

That’s about it. We also talked about my uber-low iron levels, which haven’t improved since they came in so low at week 9—depsite the fact that I went on a daily iron supp and eat plenty of animal protein and leafy greens. My Mom and little sister have always had low-iron but I’m not sure about what my levels were like pre-pregnancy. Obviously, it’s nothing so bad that I was anemic or fatigued—I mean, I used to do marathons and half-ironman triathlons so I had the energy to train at a pretty intense level! The R.D. said iron levels are genetic and that even though my levels are “low,” they are clearly fine for my body. And the only I thing I care about—the health of the babies—is not in question: They get what they need from me. But, we’re splitting up when I take my supps to see if that makes a diff in how my bod absorbs it (iron and colace in the a.m., calcium + vitamin D, prenatie Rx and colace in the p.m.

I realize that I’m not having to do daily blood tests and insulin injections (and I really really really hope I don’t have to down the road!), but I want to put it out there that this is not the worst thing in the world. It was pretty cool to meet with a dietician who specializes in pregnancy. I got all sorts of cool info on calorie requirements for twinsie Moms and basic pregnancy nutrition advice. It’s stuff I wouldn’t have learned were it not for GD. Thanks, GD!

So, first blood draw on Monday. And that’s also the big monthly growth scan day. And I get to see Dr. Zen! (I’ve only met with her at 9 weeks and after the anatomy scan and I miss her.) For those who are counting, I am 27w5d. Inching toward the big 3T…please let everything continue to go smoothly and let our babies be perfect and healthy. Grow, sweet little babies, grow! I love you so much, I would do anything for you!

Maybe?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

We visited my family over the holiday weekend. My older brother and his wife couldn’t be there because of work, but it was great to see my parents and little brother and sister. Hubs and I split the holidays between our fams, alternating who we visit at Christmas and Thanksgiving every year. I know my Mom is reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly sad we won’t be flying home for Christmas….and that manifests itself as intense guilt in me. But beyond little comments here and there bemoaning missing us already at Christmas, we had a wonderful weekend.

Early on Thanksgiving morning, I braved a 16-degree, windy morning for a 5K Turkey Trot with my Dad, sister, brother and hubs. I shuffled the entire thing! Usually I’m out in front of my family, but this year I was the caboose. 🙂 Totally fine by me, I was happy in my snail slow pace. It has been getting uncomfortable to jog/shuffle….I think I am just getting too large. So that was probably my last “run.” From now on, it’s going to be swims, yoga and maybe the ellip and light weights. All of it super EZ, of course. A tiny dose of exercise a few times a week keeps me sane!

After the Trot we began cooking the Thanksgiving meal. Fun fun fun!!! (Even though I totally ruined my dish—what should’ve been a delish sweet potato hash—by over-salting it. I would’ve been cut in a second if it was an ep of Top Chef. So JV!) Later that afternoon I relaxed for a loooong time on the couch to watch football with my sibs and hubs. A couple of times, I thought I felt a very very gentle “bump” in my lower left stomach region. Not bubbles or flutters or tickling or kicking, but a so-subtle-I-could’ve-imagined-it bump. It made me so happy! I willed it to happen again and again. Since then, I THINK I’ve felt it a couple of times….usually on my lower left but also right by my belly button.

I have no idea where the babies are located in my tum, but I sooooooo hope this is them, beginning to make themselves known. It’s not kicking or crazy movement or anything close….it’s MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE something.

I also realized that I’m never sitting for an extended amount of time or laying around unless it’s bedtime. At work, I’m “officially” at a desk-job, but the reality is that I’m on my feet walking somewhere and doing something away from my desk every few minutes. And then I come home and cook or clean or whatev….I finally relax after dinner in front of the TV…and my then I’m so tired that I usually scoot into bed and promptly fall asleep within a few minutes.

SO. The point is….it’s hard to find long spells of quiet where I can replicate my lazy Thanksgiving afternoon during which the babies MAYBE moved. Or maybe I didn’t really feel them move. It could very well be that I want this so badly that I’m imagining things. But I would really really really love to feel more of it. 🙂 It would so help soothe my anxiety!

ANYWAY! Tomorrow will be 20 weeks. And it’s T-minus seven days until our big anatomy scan. I am thankful for so so so so much this year, but mostly these babies, who hubs and I cannot wait to share our lives with. We love them so very very very much. And I pray and hope with everything in me that these babies are growing and healthy and strong and that everything is okay.

I will leave you with our first purchase for them. We saw these Dr. Seuss jammies discounted on the baby-deals site Zulily.com earlier this month and couldn’t resist. 🙂

16-week appointment

Since I got to see the babies last week before taking off for my trip home to see my folks, I have felt more calm than anxious. Of course, the worry about this amazing dream going POOF is in the back of mind 24-7, but it’s easier to keep the good thoughts front and center after seeing them. 🙂 Sooooo, today was my official 16-weeks appointment, which meant another u/s peek inside (yip!). All there really is to say is that all is well!! I could bore you with details from my convo with my doc (one of Dr. Zen’s partners, they rotate you through each OB in the clinic in the early appointments) about my ubiquitous constie-ness, waking up on my back, cervix stuff, weird rib pains, a comes-and-goes ache on my right side about where I think my ovary is, my shuffling/jogging routine, etc, but I will spare you the details.

The best part is that I saw the babies and they were moving around and their little hearts were beating away. I love them so much! 🙂

Next appointment is in two weeks and then the big anatomy scan—where we finally, finally, finally find out the genders—is in four weeks and three days. We won’t do much toward figuring out the babies’ room or what we’re registering for until we know if we have girls, boys, or a boy and a girl in there, and I am so excited to get to the point where we can do that. The honest to goodness truth is that I have ZERO inkling about what we have, and we are going to be thrilled with any of the above. It’ll just be so awesome to KNOW!

I hope and pray with my whole heart that these sweet babies continue to be healthy and strong.

In other news, hubs’s brother and his brother’s wife are visiting us this weekend. We are really, really excited to show them around Chicago—they’ve never been here before!! But, oof, I’m zonked just thinking about the weekend of adventures we have planned, beginning with an 11pm comedy show tonight after my latest work night of the week. Ummm, bloggies, I haven’t stayed up past 11pm in MONTHS. How in the heck am I going to last until 1:30-ish in the morning?!?!!? (Seriously.) Should be interesting….

Have a great weekend!

The very best egg in my life

On Sunday hubs and I celebrated 10 years of being together. 🙂 We flew home to visit my family for the weekend, and spent the day cheering against each other at Arrowhead Stadium as we rooted on our respective football teams with my fam (Chiefs for me, Bills for him). We flew back last night and made one of our fave meals together, homemade deep dish pizza. And then we just chilled on the couch together. Perfection.

I met hubs on my very first day of college, in Latin class. But it wasn’t until junior year that we clickity-click-clicked and became good friends. By senior year I was totally, completely, head over heels smitten with him. It was with utter joy that I realized my feelings were reciprocated, on Halloween 2000. We have never looked back! We were together for almost six years when we got married and now have been together for 10 awesome years. I can’t wait for the next 10!!! We are so so so happy to be where we are today—we feel incredibly grateful for our sweet babies and hope and pray with every cell in us that they keep growing big and strong and healthy.

Hubs is my rock, my best friend and the love of my life. I feel lucky every single day I wake up and turn over and see him next to me. He is a good, good egg. 🙂 And in case you think I’m just being sappy (which I realize I am), let me remind you of something he emailed me last March. At that point I’d been in treatment since October, had done Clomid/triggered twice, had been on the bench three different months, and had just learned that our third round of Clomid/estrogen was being cancelled due to poor lining response and no follies over 10mm. It was a few days before the consult wherein Dr. C uttered the “surrogacy” word. It was probably the darkest of all of the very dark months we endured. And hubs helped me through it. Okay, without further ado, this was written by hubs on March 10:

A Poem About Monitoring Day

I know you are sad, it’s not a good day.

the ultrasound tech had nothing good to say.

you feel its your fault, more drugs could have helped.

but you can’t second guess the cards you’ve been dealt.

it’s not a perfect science, trial and error.

the good news is, your parts are all there!

who knows? maybe this cycle isn’t a waste

but even if it is, you’ve been in a worse place.

you’ve spent months at a time, trying to stay sane,

waiting patiently to take your clomiphene.

next month you can cycle, and try something new.

you are healthy and young, and have a hubs who loves you.

It must be a struggle to try and be zen,

you feel it is useless to take more estrogen.

But you can be treated with a larger dose

It might be that simple! you could be so close!

There are other orals, or even injectables,

maybe our future holds the potential for multiples!?!?

Patience! I know it feels you are facing an eternity,

but maybe this is fate, prepping you for maternity.

I love you so much, I hate when you are sad.

It makes my heart hurt, I can’t help but feel bad.

I know you can’t help it, there is nothing I can say.

I just hope this poem somewhat brightens your day.

I caved

I went into the OB’s office this morning. Because….

1. I had blood in my stool on Monday night and Tuesday morning and it freaked me out.

2. I am flying home this weekend and my family is going to want to talk about the babies and I have been dreading feeling scared about those convos because I haven’t actually seen the babies in weeks.

3. I’m totally a WIMP my friends! I couldn’t take the wait to next Friday!

So I called the nurse yesterday to discuss the blood and she said it was either a) tearing (gross, I’m sorry) or b) hemorrhoids (heretofore to be know as H or Hs because I think that is a pretty nast word and I don’t like typing it). Both of which are normal for suuuuuuper constie folks like me. But I was very tired yesterday, and highly emotional, and stressed about some work drama, and I must admit I started to cry a bit while I was talking to the nurse, and before I knew it I was booked for a “quick pop-in with the midwife” for 8am this morning.

The midwife at my clinic is soooooo nice. She is a twin herself and loves twin patients. She wheeled in the mini ultrasound machine as she entered my room so I knew I wouldn’t even have to beg for a quick peek. She said it had been almost a month since I’d seen them and why don’t we just give me some peace of mind. FINE BY ME!!!!

The babies looked great! Baby A was chilling, perhaps napping, but then Baby B had hiccups and was moving around and seemed to wake up Baby A before our eyes. They are very cute, I melted into a puddle, and that’s pretty much all there is to say about that. 🙂

Other news is that I’m up 9 pounds total now (at 15w1d). After being obsessed about how I haven’t been gaining weight at all—I’d only put on one pound at 12w1d—this big jump was CRAZY. Now I’m like, Eeeeek, is it TOO much? My scary twin pregnancy book says 20-25 pounds by 20 weeks but pretty much everyone under the sun says that’s too much and don’t worry about it. ANYway, I just want these babies to be healthy and nourished perfectly. I’m trying to just go with it. I’m not eating crappy food, I’m not eating too little, I’m not overeating, and that’s about the best I can do, right? (I apologize for obsessing about everything, but this is my vent place!)

The yuck news is that I do indeed have a “small, internal” H. I didn’t know what that was until I was Googling on Monday night but here’s the short version: It’s an inflamed blood vessel that can bleed if brushed by hard, ahem, stool. I figured it was pretty dang early to develop this sort of thing (Google says 3rd tri or post-birth!), but the midwife explained that twin Moms have even more blood flow than the average preggo and that can bring them on sooner.

I don’t care about the H at all, now that I 100% know it’s nothing to worry about. I’m just overjoyed that I got to see our sweet babies and that they are doing well. Now I can fly home this weekend without this dark cloud of anxiety hovering over me. And maybe maybe MAYBE even buy our  first set of onsies while I’m there?!

Keep calm and carry on

Tomorrow is 15 weeks! AHHH!

I have been trucking along, keeping very busy at work and with freelance projects and trying each evening/weekend to purge our house of a little bit of the 10 years of stuff we’ve collected since we’ve been together. But mostly, I’m counting down the days to our 16 week appointment, which is a week from this Friday. (11 days to survive.) Ahhhhhh, it feels SO. FAR. AWAY.

These waits kill me. I watch other folks update on their ultrasounds and doc appointments and it makes me wonder what the heck is going on inside with me. I feel like I’m making everything up. Like I’m jinxing it by talking about them or thinking about them. I make hubs reassure me that everything is okay every night….often multiple times. Are the babies okay? Are they both growing? Is this really happening?

I feel like every day is a leap of faith!

I want to be able to feel them moving….I want those flutters/bubbles people talk about. I am desperate for proof! Right now all I’ve got is some crazy tiredness, that ubiquitous consti-ness, and morning headaches. I’m definitely bigger in the middle, but it’s hard to tell if it’s growing each week and it still looks more “fat” than “bump.” (Hmm, I guess this is why so many bloggies do those weekly belly shots. Oops.)

To show you all how superstitious I am, consider this evidence. Here is the mug I drink out of in the morning as I’m getting through a drought in between appointments.

And here is the one I drink out of  when I’m riding the post-appointment high, which usually lasts a few days to a week-ish.

Crazy, right?

P.S. No doppler for me. Hubs and I know it will just take my anxiety to new and awful places if I can’t find a heartbeat and I also can see myself becoming totally obsessed with it and using it waaaay too much. Please let me feel some flutters/bubbles/movement soon!

Do twins run in your family?

Actually, yes, they do. There are three sets of fraternal twins on my Mom’s side of the family (though not since my grandma’s generation). But obviously I know that’s not why hubs and I are pregnant with twins.

*****

When I told my two bosses we were pregnant last week, one of their first questions was, “Do twins run in your family?” And then when the news began spreading around the office, and various co-workers stopped by my cube to say congrats (soooo surreal but wonderful!), that question was asked at least another half-dozen times.

I know some of you bravely share your IF struggles with others. And I think that is AWESOME! Perhaps you will be frustrated or saddened by this revelation, but the truth is that I am not one of those people. For me, IF has been a very private journey (in my real life, of course not on this blog). And I simply DO NOT want to share my reproductive history and sex life with coworkers or random strangers or even most of my friends.

So when people ask if twins run in my family, I say something like, “a couple of generations ago there were twins on my mom’s side!” or just “yes, actually, they do.”

I also say “YES!!!” when people ask if twins were a surprise. (Seriously? Yeah, of COURSE they were. Does anyone “expect” twins?) But I’ve decided that people who ask that are actually asking if I underwent fertility treatments in a less invasive way than “Did you undergo fertility treatments?” And by the way, people ask that, too—several coworkers and a friend so far. “Did you do IVF?” “Did you take Clomid?” etc. It’s amazing what people will ask.

I am learning that when you’re having twins, that’s just how it goes.

*****

So far I’ve kept pretty darn quiet about our 10 months of infertility treatment. Our parents know. One dear friend of mine knows the whole saga (she is not connected at all to my college friends and 100% keeps it to herself). Another friend in NYC knows I couldn’t get my period after going off the pill (I confided in her when we were visiting friends last Thanksgiving, back when I thought 100mg of Clomid the next month would be my answer—ha!) so I’m sure she’s put this all together. My older brother knows we had some help. And that’s it. (Besides you awesome bloggies!)

But then on Monday my SIL (hubs’s brother’s wife) sent me a really sweet congratulations email. She’s a physician’s assistant and I guess that automatically means she’s been schooled in fertility stuff. Because over the course of emails she asked if twins run in my family. I said yes and figured that was that. But then in the next email she outright asked if—even though they run in my family—they were conceived “au natural or if we used Clomid or something.”

It was really nosy and I was taken off guard. But it’s also, like, well, she’s in medicine and she’s family and she wasn’t asking in a mean or ignorant way, but in a curious and loving way. And it’s one thing to blur the details or evade the truth with strangers and coworkers. It’s another thing to lie to family. You know? It rocked my internal ethical code, as much as I wanted to lie. Plus, it crossed my mind that hubs’s Mom knows about our struggles (as of last April) and while I trust her, I wonder if she couldn’t help but hint at our issues to her kids?

So I said to my SIL, “We did have some help, but were so lucky it didn’t come to IVF. Please keep that between you and BIL.” And then she wrote back congratulating me again, apologizing if she had been prying and promising not to discuss with anyone else, and that she was interested because of her career in medicine.

I still don’t know if I did the right thing by opening the kimono, so to speak. It has really been bothering me. And I can’t figure out if that’s because she knows my secret or if I’m bothered that it bothers me so much.

*****

I’m so protective of how these sweet babies were conceived.  I want to shield hubs, myself and—most important—both of them from the stupidity that is out there. And maybe I’m perpetuating that stupidity and stigma by not courageously sharing our story. But I am shy, I am very private, and this incredibly dark and difficult time has been something between hubs and me. I’m not ready to let the whole world in on all of the miracles we have been blessed enough to benefit from—low-dose HCG, Gonal-F, trigger HCG, ultrasounds, blood tests, progesterone supps, IUIs, the brilliant Dr. Awesome, amazing nurses, and on and on and on….

The truth is that these babies are honest to goodness miracles and we are so so so so so blessed and grateful and bursting with happiness because of them. No stranger/friend/family member/coworker can take that away from us.