Still no period. (Ugh. This is the longest it’s ever taken after Provera. A cruel coincidence? I see April slipping away and it totally sucks.)
Still taking my array of lining-boosting supplements morning and night. (This is good, it makes me feel like I’m doing something.)
Still running. (Some, but not too much.)
Still going to acu. (It’s awesome, I feel so chill afterwards.)
Still have the injects sitting in my fridge. (Just waiting to be used!)
So what’s different?
I’m contemplating making an appointment with a fertility-specializing counselor. I have been in a very dark, sad place this week. I think it’s the waiting for my period…and the dread of the family gatherings/wedding in two weeks….and general malaise and fear about everything IF-related. You’d think I’d have hit rock bottom by now (like I thought I did last Monday), but apparently not. Apparently there are no limits to the depths I can go. This frightens me…I’ve never been like this in my life…there’s never been a hole I couldn’t pull myself out of. But this is a battle that’s getting the best of me lately. I don’t think it’s fair to hubs to bring this worry/sadness home every night, and to wake up with it every day. Anyone see a counselor for IF help? I’ve been looking online and the literature seems to recommended seeing someone after major events (ie: Miscarriage, a BFN). Do I even qualify? Do Provera Crazies or or Canceled Cycle or Break Months or Bad RE Consult or Fear of Thin Lining count?
I have two big freelance projects that have been taking up a good chunk of my weekends for the past month. After I turn them in, I’m chilling out on freelancing. I take on this kind of work because I’m not sure what my job situation will be after hubs finishes grad school in about a year and a half. I may have to freelance full-time if we move to a new city (which would be fine with me! I’ve been wanting to be a stay-at-home-mom/freelancer for a loooonog time), and so I need to keep up with my contacts and stay in the game. It’s also helpful having the extra cash-flow. But, it’s been too, too much lately. I need a break from it. I’m over it. I want to enjoy my nights and weekends.
I’ve been inspired by bloggies who are taking care of themselves with massages lately. I’m going to treat myself to one or two in the near future. (See above, and here’s an example of why it’s great to have that extra freelance cash-flow…the double-edged sword!)
Yes, this post was all over the place. It’s one of those days/weeks/months…