Same old, same old

Still no period. (Ugh. This is the longest it’s ever taken after Provera. A cruel coincidence? I see April slipping away and it totally sucks.)

Still taking my array of lining-boosting supplements morning and night. (This is good, it makes me feel like I’m doing something.)

Still running. (Some, but not too much.)

Still going to acu. (It’s awesome, I feel so chill afterwards.)

Still have the injects sitting in my fridge. (Just waiting to be used!)

So what’s different?

I’m contemplating making an appointment with a fertility-specializing counselor. I have been in a very dark, sad place this week. I think it’s the waiting for my period…and the dread of the family gatherings/wedding in two weeks….and general malaise and fear about everything IF-related. You’d think I’d have hit rock bottom by now (like I thought I did last Monday), but apparently not. Apparently there are no limits to the depths I can go. This frightens me…I’ve never been like this in my life…there’s never been a hole I couldn’t pull myself out of. But this is a battle that’s getting the best of me lately. I don’t think it’s fair to hubs to bring this worry/sadness home every night, and to wake up with it every day. Anyone see a counselor for IF help? I’ve been looking online and the literature seems to recommended seeing someone after major events (ie: Miscarriage, a BFN). Do I even qualify? Do Provera Crazies or or Canceled Cycle or Break Months or Bad RE Consult or Fear of Thin Lining count?

I have two big freelance projects that have been taking up a good chunk of my weekends for the past month. After I turn them in, I’m chilling out on freelancing. I take on this kind of work because I’m not sure what my job situation will be after hubs finishes grad school in about a year and a half. I may have to freelance full-time if we move to a new city (which would be fine with me! I’ve been wanting to be a stay-at-home-mom/freelancer for a loooonog time), and so I need to keep up with my contacts and stay in the game. It’s also helpful having the extra cash-flow. But, it’s been too, too much lately.  I need a break from it. I’m over it. I want to enjoy my nights and weekends.

I’ve been inspired by bloggies who are taking care of themselves with massages lately. I’m going to treat myself to one or two in the near future. (See above, and here’s an example of why it’s great to have that extra freelance cash-flow…the double-edged sword!)

Yes, this post was all over the place. It’s one of those days/weeks/months…

The past few days

I have not been feeling super blogariffic this week, so I really apologize for my lack of commenting and reading and posting. That said, I am feeling better, so I’ll be back in action soooon.

Monday was kind of a sad, doomsday-ish blur. You guys were there. I was upset and scared. The ubiquitous darkness of IF felt twisted and nightmarish in new and horrible ways. Suddenly I was thinking things like, Would I even consider a surrogate? And, Would hubs and I be okay as just the two of us forever and ever? There was a lot more brewing in the witches pot of Bad IF News, but I think you get the picture. YUCK.

Then Tuesday I felt pretty ticked off at Dr. C. I mean, what RE tells a sensitive, hormonal, baby-desperate woman that he doesn’t know whether she can get pregnant? We appreciate honesty, but I am apparently a fragile little thing who really benefits from a more positive bedside manner. We still trust in Dr. C, but I think his consult performance was begging us to go out and find a second opinion. Some internet research suggests there are some experimental ways to get around lining that won’t respond to Estrogen. That said, we think any RE would be taking this course of action (injects) so I feel good about proceeding with this cycle as planned. And if ditching the Clomid and trying new drugs doesn’t thicken up my lining as we are so desperately hoping it will, and Dr. C won’t think outside the box with us, then we will move on. We are very fortunate to live in Chicago, where there are a number of fantastic RE clinics. Hubs and I are not accepting this good-lining-or-bust thing. I hope we can prove ourselves right.

By Wednesday, it was time to get busy. Action is the antidote for despair, right? Even though he has an actual dissertation to work on in real life, hubs is currently working toward his PhD from Google in the esteemed field of Uterine Lining-ology. (And he’s on track to graduate with Honors, as you will see in a future post wherein I bestow all of the findings upon you.) For the past few days he’s been sending me links to studies and RE-penned blogs, all of them related to thickening the endometrium. At night, he comes home bearing Walgreens gifts. 🙂 I’m now taking Vitamin E, L-arginine (an, um, male performance supplement that works similarly to Viagra), baby aspirin, Fish Oil and Pre-Natals. And going to acupuncture. Oh, yeah, and I’m also taking Provera and have some Gonal-F arriving this weekend. It’s a freaking Fertility Pharmacy next to our coffee maker!

Now on to the really important stuff: the world’s biggest THANK YOU! Thank you all so much for your kindness via comments and emails on Monday. To those of you who know me and have been reading along, your heartfelt comments warmed me on a chilling day. To all of the folks who aren’t regular visitors and dropped by to offer support, I am so grateful and uplifted by your words. And to those of you who had successful stories to share, thank you so very much. You gave me hope. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Oh, what a week

This has been a looooong week between my work trip, traveling home, that sucker punch of a monitoring appointment and work. TGIF! I’m still smarting from the no follies/thin lining news, but I’m pretty excited about injects. Clomid and I weren’t friends. Time to move on!

A quickie update…

I get monitored bright and early on Monday. I always tell people “it’s not over til it’s over,” but I’m having a lot of trouble believing that right now. The two times I’ve cycled since TTC I’ve ovulated (or sortofkindof ovulated) on CD15. So with nothing happening with my ovaries on CD11, I’m finding it impossible to hope that everything magically woke up. Whatever! Just give me the Provera so I can look on to the future!

A couple hours later on Monday a.m., hubs and I are meeting with Dr. C for our injects consult.  I need to do a bunch of research on them this weekend. Which kind is best for me? What’s he going to do about my sucky, non-responsive lining? What dose do I need? Etc. I’m scared about my lining situation. I seem to be a very hard nut to crack. Please crack me, Dr. C!

And for some better news…

Last night I met up with A, from APlusB. Love. Her. 🙂 I am so, so grateful that blogging has gifted me with this friendship. It was an awesome vent session—a major catharsis for me. I’m really lucky to be in Chicago, where there’s an awesome little community of IF bloggies. (We’re all meeting up for brunch at the end of the month, don’t be jealous!) And I am grateful for you—my readers and commenters—every single day.

Acupuncture is baaaaaaack. Hubs did a bunch of research on thickening lining on Wednesday and encouraged me to go back. (Now we have two R.E. degrees from Google in our household!) I’m still skeptical of it, but I agree with him: It can’t hurt. And we could use any help we can get in that lining department.

Remember this dress I blogged about last month, which I thought could be perfect for the fancy May 1 wedding in NYC? After everyone agreed in comments that it was amazing, I tried to order it. Sold. Out. I actually called Milly HQ only to learn even the ones they shipped internationally were long gone. Bummie! But in a happy twist of fate, they emailed me on Monday to say one was available in my size. It just arrived and is in a box on my desk: I can’t wait to take it home and try it on tonight!

Date weekend. Hubs and I have been apart the past two weekends. I’m REALLY looking forward to some QT with him. We both have a lot of work to do (I have a big freelance deadline hanging over me, dum dum dum…and then there’s that injects research to do), but we plan to see a movie tomorrow night and check out a new restaurant we’ve been wanting to try. Good stuff!

The waiting game

Sooooo. While all of the other IF bloggies I read seem to be moving at warp speed (Clomid! Ultrasound! Ovidrel! Positive OPK! Progesterone spikes! 2ww!), my own journey is stuck in a bit of a rut. 🙂 I’m waiting for my period folks. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

The past couple of times I’ve taken Provera, my period showed up 36 and 48 hours after popping the last pill. So I’m already a bit behind schedule. (But me impatient? Never! Haha.) I finished up the Provera in the wee dawn hours of Monday morning. I had an acupuncture session yesterday. I was hoping I’d wake up to spotting this morning. No such luck!

Anway, I wish I had some awesome news to report. I was really hoping to be able to get into the RE for baseline tests (dum dum dum, is the cyst gone?) before the weekend. This cycle’s timeline is sensitive because I’d really like to do an IUI before leaving town on the 24th. I know that’s a silly thing to focus on and it’s not a huge deal if it doesn’t work out that way (heck, a month ago I was nervous about even DOING an IUI!). But still, after a month of sitting around doing nothing on the baby-making front, I am so raring to get this cycle up and running.

I know there’s still time, I’m just starting to get nervous. I’ve already done all the tricks (wear white undies, threaten taking an HPT), but my period is nowhere to be found. And so, I wait.

Workout update: I’ve been a little under the weather since the weekend so I was totally cool with taking Monday and Tuesday off working out. Today I rode my road bike in front of the Today Show for 45 minutes. Nothing crazy, just a mellow sweat session as it sleeted/snowed/looked like the North Pole out the window.

Prickly prickly

Have I told you guys about the TTC Money Tree I have growing on my back porch? No? Well, I planted it back in September, about when I decided it was important to supplement my gym membership with yoga classes to chill me out on the baby-making front. And boy has the tree grown big and strong. (Another box of fancy-pants OPKs at Walgreens? No prob, I got it!)

Hahaha…

Here’s where this is going. I took some cash from the TTC Money Tree and tried acupuncture last week. And even worse (better?), now I believe in it. My hubs is a teensie bit shocked and appalled that a reasonable, skeptical, RE-going girl like me can actually be putting, um, eggs in this new basket.

I’d been contemplating acupuncture for a few months and found some studies supporting its fertility benefits: promoting healthy female hormones in the body and boosting blood flow to the uterus (click here , here and here for a few abstracts).

Finally, I tried it last Wednesday evening for the first time. My practitioner, Kristen, and talked for an hour about my TTC details and regular ‘ol history. I liked how many questions she asked, and I really liked how well-versed she was with medical terms and Western meds (even dose levels and lining measurements and stuff).

She seemed to glean all the weirdness that is me (I get numb hands and feet a lot, I’m usually cold—except at night when I’m usually hot, I have always had constipation issues, ETC). I changed into loungey pants and a loose button-up shirt and was ready to go. Then she put the needles in me (eeeek!)…in points along my ears, my left wrist, my feet, knees and three near my belly-button. I was scared. I clenched my eyes shut.