Very very interesting

Remember how I wanted my estrogen to fall? It did not. It rose from 305 to 410. My LH is up a bit, too. And my lining grew from 3mm to 4mm since Friday.

Remember how I wanted my cyst to get smaller? It did not. It grew by 1mm.

Remember how I said this is the weirdest, lightest period of my entire life? Dr. K has a theory about that.

She’s the attending doc, who’s on call for two weeks while Dr. C is on vaca. She thinks my body may not be ready to call this cycle off. I had a mini-consult with her during this morning’s ultrasound and spoke to her on the phone this afternoon after my blood work came back. She thinks this might be a viable follicle—a slow-grower leftover from the Clomid. She’s having me come back on Tuesday for more monitoring to see if my estrogen and LH continue to rise. If they do, she wants me to take the HCG trigger. And then IUI. And then take progesterone. She said this is extremely unusual. And that implantation would be a long shot with my thin lining (which the Provera didn’t help, but didn’t hurt much either). She wants to check it out.

She also has a theory on my thin lining….that I’m estrogen deficient and that it’s possibly due to endurance-level exercise in my past. (I have majorly chilled out on exercise after a decade of marathons and triathlons.) For that reason she might recommend a different injectable (Menopur instead of Gonal-F, since my LH is chronically low and Gonal-F is an FSH-only drug while Menopur has both FSH and LH). I asked her if it would make her or Dr. C uncomfortable if she looked at my medical and TTC history and met with me and hubs for a consult in April. She said it would be perfectly fine and she thinks it’s a great idea.

No matter what Tuesday brings, I think this is what we’d call, a bone. 🙂 Right my friends? A doctor who is looking at my case with fresh eyes. One who has a plan. And who thinks outside the box (potentially trigger on CD30 to salvage the wonkiest cycle ever?! Awesome!).

So, for 36 hours, I have hope again. (Is that okay? Am I setting myself up for another crash on Tuesday afternoon?) How amazing would it be if I could trigger and IUI for the first time? C’mon estrogen & LH….RISE!

See-sawing

Yesterday I actually left my cubicle at noon and met a really good friend for lunch. She is a good, good egg. Like, one of the best eggs in the entire universe. We haven’t seen each other in a couple of months due to work, travel and me not feeling in the mood. Oh, my gosh. It was so good to see her—it soothed my gimpy soul. We caught up on some stuff, complained about the weather, gave a big ‘ol SCREW YOU to cold, dreary, depressing, worst-month-of-our-year February and talked about all the good things to come with Spring. What an awesome lunch break!

Anyway, I was walking back to my office afterward, not feeling like an Eyeore for the first time in a while, when it hit me: I feel at peace. I feel mellow. I feel okay with where I am. I am not experiencing that heart racing fear about my cyst and never getting pregnant. I am not mentally calculating when I might get to go in for baseline monitoring for the 7,294,827 time in the past 20 days. I was thinking to myself, I have not had much to say on my poor little blog lately…but, finally, I can write a happy post! I am at peace!

But then I had to, you know, work, so I didn’t get around to it. And last night hubs got home at a decent hour (yip!) so I got to spend the evening making dinner with him (gyros with our fancy new food processor, in case you’re curious). No blogging. And then I got up this morning and—POOF!—that peaceful feeling was gonzo.

Sigh. But it’s okay. I’m trying not to beat myself up about these highs and lows—they come no matter what. I’m doing the best I can. And because I don’t have much else to think about these days, I’ll give you a peek into my see-sawing frame of mind…

At peace: Even if my cyst is still there next week, I’m going to MAKE Dr. C drain it or let me cycle.
Heart racing: I can’t make him do anything. What if it’s still there and I’m benched even longer? I bet I will be, I can feel it! It’s totally there! I’m screwed! (Noooooooo!)

At peace: I’ll be on estrogen next cycle, so my lining should be much, much better.
Heart racing: I’ve heard estrogen thwarts follie growth.

At peace: I’ll be on 50mg instead of 100mg of Clomid, so that should also help my lining. And maybe not give me another giant cyst.
Heart racing: I had borderline ovulation on 50mg in my first round (P4 of 3.5), so 50mg may not be enough to make my follies grow! Plus, I’m about 8 pounds heavier than I was back in October, maybe my bigger body needs 100mg or 75mg?

At peace: But in my consult last month I asked Dr. C just that question—about the follies not being mature enough to release eggies on 50mg—and he said it wouldn’t matter because I’ll take Ovidrel and have a good strong ovulation.
Heart racing:What if he’s wrong? What if my follies don’t grow?

At peace: We’re doing an IUI, so the fact that I don’t get CM will finally be a non-issue.
Heart racing: Many REs do two, will one be enough?

At peace: It only takes one lucky month and one good egg.
Heart racing: Please let it be this month and this egg. Please. Please. Please.

Happy ICLW bloggies! 🙂

RE consult. Done.

Yay! This morning’s appointment was good! I still heart Dr. C, it was not just HSG-relief–prompted affection. 🙂 I love my hubs for coming with me and meeting the doc who is trying to change our lives. I love hubs for asking good questions and making me laugh and keeping us on task.

We are forging ahead with 50mg Clomid + Estrogen + Ovidrel + IUI as soon as I get a clean, cyst-free baseline. (Please let that happen next week. Please. Please. Please.) Dr. C thinks that I’ll respond well to Estrogen. Ideally, my lining is 10mm as I approach triggering. (Ha! it’s hard to imagine going from a 3.2 to a 10.0, but if I can get anywhere close to that neighborhood, I’ll be thrilled. Also, sidenote: WTH is up with him actually caring about lining? The nurse made it sound like lining was not even on his radar last cycle. That was FALSE. He totally cares about lining.) Ideally, I have two follies that are at least 18mm and then he has me trigger. And if alllllllll of that goes according to plan, we will finally have a shot at this. YES!

After that, it sort of turns into a choose-your-own-adventure. If I respond well (lining-wise) to 50mg + Estrogen BUT I don’t get pregnant THEN we’ll continue with that protocol. For a few more cycles. We do not move onto injects hastily, as I thought we might. We stay the course with Clomid.

If my lining still sucks with 50mg + Estrogen, THEN he’ll possibly try Femara. My follies seem to like Clomid though, so he’d rather hone in on my lining this way.

If my lining blows on both Clomid AND Femara OR I don’t get preggo from either in another few cycles, THEN we’ll talk injects. Although, at that point, he sometimes counsels his patients to do IVF. It all depends. We’d have another consult. I’m hoping with all of my poor racing heart that it doesn’t come to that.

So, it was a lot of “but, if’s, what’s and THEN’s.” As you know I am pretty much plan-of-action–obsessed, so this was good. Hubs was there so I even if I forget something we talked about today in a haze of hormones or whatever, he can remind me what Dr. C said. We’re all on the same page.

We also talked about the random little questions that have been nagging me. Let’s just get to the bottom of this once and for all: Am I exercising too much with my thrice weekly jogs? (Nope. Just don’t start training for a marathon.) Did I do this to myself with 10 years of BC? (Nope, BC just masked a problem.) If I sat around for a year, would I ovulate on my own/will I be able to ovulate on my own EVER? (Nope, probably not.) Should hubs and I abstain from sex the day before we IUI? (Nope, he counsels his patients to have lots and lots and lots of sex.) Should I not exercise or run during the 2ww? (Nope, exercise is, again, fine. Especially because it keeps me sane.)

So that’s the news with me! Now I just count down the Provera pills and then wait around for AF and try to find a Zen place through it all where I’m not hyper-aware of my left ovary (where the cyst was). I aim to channel all of the awesomely positive energy BasicGirl has been showing lately, and face whatever is in front of us with grace and optimism. 🙂 See? Smile. Done.

I have the bits and pieces

RELIEF.

Honestly, even after I read a half dozen horror stories describing incredibly painful HSG experiences, what had me most nervous was the possibility of blocked tubes. I run marathons and have pushed myself through some intense physical pain, so I figured I had developed a high enough threshold to survive the HSG. (Not that I wanted it to be painful or discounted ANY of your absolutely horrible experiences, just….you know, trying to be tough and remind myself I can survive anything for a few minutes.) All I could think was, Just let everything look okay.

AND IT DID! 🙂

The elusive Dr. C did the procedure! The man I write about every third post! I haven’t seen him since our initial consult in October. I have been a little down on him lately, maybe subconsciously blaming him for my body’s reaction to Clomid? And if you have been reading my blog for a while, you know I have taken the liberty of emailing him twice. (oops.) When I walked in the room he was like, “Oh, my email buddy!” Me: “Errr, sorry!” Dr. C: “No, no, I love emailing with my patients.” Me in my head: Was that sarcasm?! Eeek.

I LIKE HIM AGAIN! He is funny, smart, confident and put me at ease. (I need confidence…I need someone saying this shizit is going to WORK!) He said he’d talk through the entire procedure and I should let him know if I was in too much pain and he would stop.

First he inserted a speculum and cleaned me up down there. (That part was like a pap, no biggie.) Then it was time for the dye. I didn’t even feel the dye going into me, I had to ask if it was happening. I felt a very mild burning sensation in my tummy area, but I honestly only noticed it because I was hyper-focused on how I was feeling. [Side note: I don’t ever feel ovulation, my OPKs never work, my breasts never hurt before my period, and since I’ve been off BC I have barely-there menstrual cramps….what is up with my bod? Is it numb?]

I heard him call out to the dude in the other room taking pics that my left tube had spilled…maybe 15 or 30 seconds later, so did my right one. YAY! Then we went through the images together and he said everything looked good.

He made a comment about how my uterus is deep and forward (something to Google later) and how that’s fine and normal. He also mentioned my cervix looks beautiful. Whatever that means?! OKAY! I’ll take it!

So, once again showing myself to be a totally inappropriate patient, I took the opportunity to talk with him about our treatment plan as soon as I was off the table (yes, wearing nothing but a hospital kimono-style robe and Converse high tops.

He asked, “Where are we now?”

Me: “We’re on an off month because the 100mg Clomid gave me a cyst.”

Him: “Right, well, you can call me a few days before your period and we can discuss what to do next.”

Me: “I actually booked a consult with you for next week to discuss just that. I was wondering what you think is best for me given how I respond to Clomid with thin lining?”

He flips through my chart and says, “Yes, you have thin lining. I took you down to 50mg to minimize that, we can get you to ovulate at that dose. That’s also why I’ve put you on estrogen.”

Me: “Okay, but if that doesn’t work, then what? Do you do Femara? Injectibles?”

Him: “I have used Femara on patients but I personally feel it doesn’t work as well as Clomid. You taking Estrogen with Clomid is almost the same as taking Femara. If Clomid doesn’t work this time, I would take it up a notch and go to injectibles. If you’re not ready for that because of finances or for any other reason, we can try Femara—but think of it as a very baby step up.” [Bloggies, clearly I’m paraphrasing, this is the gist.]

Me: “Okay, but you think we should give Clomid one more try and then re-evaluate?”

Him: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, we may not need that in-office consult next week afterall, you’ve answered my major questions.”

Him: “You can email me questions anytime.”

Me: “Thank you!!!!!!!!”

Him: “Are you okay? You seem a little shaky.”

Me: “I’m fine!” [I might’ve been shaking with relief? Or maybe I just was unexpectedly okay with the whole procedure? Or maybe it wigged him out that I jumped off the table and chatted him up? Haha. I dunno. I felt fine. And I was psyched I got some Qs answered.]

Hubs, the good egg that he is, was nervously waiting for me in the radiology lobby. He seems a little worried that I will abuse my new email privileges, but I promise I won’t. Hubs also said that as long as Dr. C and I were chatting, I should’ve asked him to subscribe to my new Twitter feed and to check out my blog. Hahaha. 🙂

To recap: HSG results looked fine (only side effects = super mild cramping as I sit here typing), I like Dr. C very much and I will start Provera Mon, Tues or Weds of next week and hopefully start this 50mg Clomid + Estrogen + Ovidrel + IUI cycle in early February. I haven’t ruled out next week’s in-office consult. Clearly I have a lot more questions and maybe it makes sense to see what kind of injectible plan he’d put me on, etc….and I like the idea of hubs getting to meet him and ask questions, too. But at the same time, didn’t we just discuss all the major stuff on my mind? What would you do?

Another question, while I’ve got you here. (Haha.) Has anyone heard of tube-clearing benefits of the HSG procedure? Does it really make it easier for the spermies to get around? I know my problems are a) not ovulating and b) thin lining, but I’ll take a boost anywhere I can get one. 🙂

Finally, and I’m sorry this is buried at the very bottom of such a long post, but I figured I’d jump right into my drama today: If you are an ICLWer, WELCOME! Perhaps it’s fitting that I launch ICLW week with a requisite HSG recap. 🙂

Thanks guys!

This is a little shout out to Clomid and Ovidrel. Thank you both very much! You did your job. My 6/7dpo Progesterone number is 35.7. That means I definitely ovulated. For the first time in more than nine years. NICE!

I didn’t feel ovulation. I never had symptoms like EWCM or cramps or any of that stuff. But unless the lab mixed up my results (which has absolutely crossed my mind a few times), THIS IS MY DOSE! Hubs thinks I’m a little crazy-town for being excited/surprised by this number. “Isn’t that exactly what the trigger shot is supposed to do?” he asked. Ummm, yes. True. But I’m not exactly used to my body “doing” anything!

Of course I realize it’s still a huge long-shot I’d get knocked up this cycle thanks to that lining issue. But I am encouraged that we’re at least (hopefully, no jinxies here please) moving in the right direction. Please keep it up body! It’s all about teamwork with you, the Clomid, Ovidrel and hubby’s swimmers.

Post-holiday update

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I definitely did. For four days straight I did not think about preggers stuff AT ALL. Well, with the exception of hubs giving me the trigger shot at about 10pm on Christmas Eve night. He was such a champ! (If it worked, I should’ve ovulated sometime on Friday or Saturday…we’ve thoroughly enjoyed covered our bases and only had one, ahem, “day off” since CD9! ) We had a ton of snow in Kansas City and took full advantage of it by sledding after opening presents on Christmas Day. Ahhh, so fun. We also ate like KINGS for four days straight. Yum. 🙂 It was a really wonderful trip.

My work offices are closed this week and I am so excited to have a full week at home. Normally, we travel to both my in-laws’ and my parents’ homes at Christmas-time. This year, in an effort to save some moolah and cut down on the stress of traveling, we only went to my parents (we alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas each year). It definitely has reduced the blah-ness that is going back and forth from airports.

So what will I be doing with my week off? I plan to organize my closets and dresser drawers. I have three freelance projects to start. I need to clean out my files and book shelf. I want to hit yoga a few times. I’d love to go see some museum exhibits I’ve been meaning to get to. That ought to keep me pretty busy! Oh, and we are hosting our dear friends S and J who live in Texas on Monday and Wednesday nights. They are coming with their 17-month-old daughter, A. I am holding my breath just a bit, because I’m anxious S will announce that she’s preggo. I’m trying to mentally prepare for it.

Speaking of a mental test, I guess I am officially in my first-ever two week wait. That assumes the trigger shot worked, and I don’t know if it did, but it’s definitely the best shot I’ve had at ovulating since we started TTC. I forgot to temp this morning but yesterday it was only up SLIGHTLY. I’ll keep at it and see if I notice any shift. I really hope the 100mg Clomid plus Ovidrel worked and I finally ovulated.

A few of you guys have asked about starting Progesterone suppositories to thicken up my lining in the comments. The answer is no, I’m not on them. Dr. C doesn’t think a thin lining will make or break implantation and he opted not to prescribe anything. My Googling suggests otherwise, but there’s nothing I can do about it. So I’m hoping he’s right, and I have some sort of chance this cycle. But inside , to be totally honest, I’ve already written this one off. It just seems like a long-shot that my lining thickened up enough to support implantation from 3.2mm. My guess is that he will put me on Estrogen at the beginning of my next cycle. Which I’m hoping we can move right into, instead of having to sit a month out with another cyst. But this stuff is all out of my control, so I’m doing my best to put it out of my head!

Not a super exciting post, sorry bloggies, but I think I have a little case of post-holiday blues. I already miss my Mom!

Gimpy, but going for it

First, a big congrats to Al at Mission: Motherhood for rocking the BFP this morning. Al’s baby-making blog is one of the first I began following and her news today lit me up from the inside out. It is, in a word, AWESOME!!!! 🙂

Okay, onto my CD13 update. I wore a bright red and green plaid shirt to the RE’s office this morning (it’s cute, I promise) and my knee-length argyle socks. This was an effort to put some “happy” into my aura. (I also wore jeans and white converse high tops. It was a casual day at work.) I CAN DO THIS, I kept thinking. I can take the bad news. I am strong. I am calm. JUST BREATHE. No matter what this ultrasound throws at me, just breathe.

The results were decent. I have two 17.5mm follies on the left side. My lining grew almost 1mm to 3.2. That’s still really thin, but, I mean, it’s growing. I was shocked by that…I figured it’s be the exact same. So that’s awesome. Go body! Keep up the good work!

And the best part: I’m triggering tomorrow night. Yep, for his 31st bday, hubs will be giving me that magical Ovidrel shot. (Hey, it beats having to do his biz in a cup for an IUI on the morning of his birthday!) Because of the way this all worked out timing-wise, we are not doing the IUI this cycle. And I am completely cool with that. For all of my attempts to control/plan/take charge of my important cycle days, it just didn’t pan out that way. The good news is that hubs has great swimmers so we can spend the weekend gettin’ busy under my parents’ roof. 🙂

The nurse said it’s too late to do anything about my lining. (My Googling suggests otherwise, but whatevs.) She said there are two kinds of docs, those who think lining is a big deal, and those who don’t. Dr. C doesn’t think it’s a deal-breaker. She said if we conceive and it’s a good embryo, it’ll find a way to stick. Plus, the lining may thicken up a bit more before ovulation. Those are the POSITIVES. The obvious negative is that a thin lining is not as nourishing, soft and welcoming to any good eggs floating around looking for a place to get comfy. And the two maturing follies are not big fatties at the moment.

I’m not saying any of that to be a downer, I’m just being realistic. My TTC defense mechanism is alive and well….I’m gimpy this cycle. But NEXT time? Maybe my odds will be up. Dr. C will prescribe something to counteract the thin lining Clomid causes in me. We won’t be traveling so we can IUI if we want. At minimum, we’ve LEARNED from this cycle, right? Right!

But still. I admit that I really, really, really want it to work. I’m going to enjoy the weekend with my parents, siblings, friends. And I’m going to have lots and lots of fun with my wonderful hubby. 🙂 And that, my friends, is that! Thank you all so much for the support and comments, it has helped me through a roller coaster of a week. Merry Christmas!!

The dust has settled

Last night I had a severe case of the Rocky Mountain Fever that Courtney over at The Road Worth Traveling has mentioned here and there in her posts. (Btw, don’t you just love how that sounds? You’re not being emotional, you have a fever!) You guys, I was such a little Eyeore. I thought I was done with the emotional stuff yesterday morning, so wth?! After trying to maintain my composure through the rest of the work day, I walked out the office door and immediately felt burning hot tears streaming down my face. Man, I did NOT know I was SO fixated on cycle #2.

First, I felt sad that my body has yet another thing “wrong” with it. (I know, I know: Cysts are totally normal and everyone gets them, but they aren’t good when you’re TTC.) Once I got home, I finally mustered the courage to start Googling and learned that it’s normal to have follies that are 4mm-10mm on CD2. WHAT!? Then why am I sitting out?!

And that, my friends, took me from sad to mad. Seriously? I paid the RE’s office a huge chunk of moolah for bloodwork and ultrasound only to be told they’ll take that money thankyouverymuch, and I’ll be doing nothing for the next four weeks and then paying up again next month? If I need to sit out and it’s unhealthy to proceed, fair enough. But here’s the thing: Because my doctor (Dr. C) was out yesterday and the attending RE (Dr. K) in the office was calling the shots, my guess is she went uber-conservative with the decision on me, since I’m not her patient.