35 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I felt safe moving more than a centimeter every few seconds, I’d be doing a ridiculous happy dance right now! YIP YIP YIP!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 Great job, sweet little babies! Great job, ute! Great job, cervie!

I feel like labor has to be very imminent. I am having a ton of snotty discharge, which is what happened when I went from 1cm to 3cm. And Baby A is giving me all sorts of crazy pelvic pressure. Most of the time I just can’t believe they are still in there, safely and happily hanging out and growing and getting bigger and stronger as my cervix opens up. I know this sounds crazy, but I worry about Baby A just popping out….I know, I’m nuts.

Bedrest is still my norm, though I have taken Dr. Zen’s advice and made one mellow outing each day since Monday. On Tuesday, hubs’s MIL flew in from out of town and the three of us went out to dinner. On Wednesday evening, she drove me to the salon for a haircut. Yesterday morning, she drove me to the dermatologist. IT WAS AMAZING TO BE OUTSIDE! Of course I always go right back to horizontal position as soon as I get home and the furthest I (slooooooowly) walked was from a curb to a chair at each outing. But still, it was awesome. She also did a ton of errands for us, which was so kind and has made me feel so much more “together” (Costco, Target, various returns I haven’t been able to do, etc). We are so lucky to have such wonderful Moms—I only wish they lived here instead of having to take plane trips to visit!

I know my updates are super-boring these days, and I’m sorry bloggies!! But this is my life, this is what consumes me: One more day, one more day, one more day.

Another Monday, another OB appt

But this was a good one! At 34w3d, I’m still 3cm dilated (and 100% effaced). I’ve had a lot of snotty discharge and pelvic pressure since Thursday’s appointments, so I was tooooooooooooootally shocked to hear my cervix has hung in there at 3cm. THANK YOU LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know from doing research online and reading blogs that it’s HIGHLY likely babies born before 36 weeks will need a good amount of NICU time, but we have come so far from Valentine’s Day. I am so so so grateful. Keep growing big and strong in there, sweet little babies.

Dr. Zen also said that at this point my bedrest restrictions are lifted. WHAT!!??? I feel like we’ve got a good thing going here….me progressing and then hanging out for a bit, the babies staying put, minimal contractions, etc (no jinxies!). She says there is nothing I can do to stop or start labor at this point. If it’s going to happen, it’ll happen whether or not I’m horizontal on my couch.

She could see I was pretty freaked out by the idea of messing with bedrest and said to do whatever makes me comfortable. But she did encourage me to leave the house for one outing a day. I have only left the apartment for OB appointments this month. It feels so weird to have permission to GO SOMEWHERE. I mean, I don’t even go to the other end of the apartment unless I need food or a shower…..(Now that I’m reflecting on this I wonder if they want you to get up to help out your muscle tone etc, so you’re not a total limp dishrag for birth?)

I don’t think I’ll actually change anything, to be honest, but it feels pretty freaking AWESOME to not feel sick and helpless for the first time in a long time.

We love you so so so so so so so so much, Baby A and Baby B. Stay put in there!!! We can’t wait to meet you, but you have more growing and developing to do! Stay strong, cervie! Stay chill, ute! One more day, one more day, one more day.

34 weeks!!!!!

WE MADE IT TO 34 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t believe it, I really can’t. 🙂 This is the place Dr. Zen and her partners wanted me to get when all of the scary drama began last month. Every day has felt interminably long, and yet, I can’t believe it has almost been four full weeks since I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor. Thank you lord! Of course, babies born this early still have to go to the NICU, possibly for weeks—but it’s a major developmental milestone and we are so grateful and happy to be here.

Hubs and I continue to take each day as it comes: No looking ahead, just focus on today. And since February 14, we have celebrated each day with a sticker from my childhood collection (we alternate who picks the sticker). I think these will go in the baby books. We love you so very very very much sweet Baby A and Baby B!

33 weeks!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, my gosh: I am still here. 33 weeks. Thank you lord!

The contrax were pretty bad on Tuesday night….not painful, but scary because there were more than usual. Two thoughts kept running through my mind….either I am a) going into labor (FRACK!), or b) dilating like crazy (FRACK!). If it had gotten much worse I would’ve called the OB, but fortunately hubs rubbed my back, got me a big glass of water, and we watched my favorite bedrest show, Anthony Bordain’s No Reservations on the Travel Channel, until I was tired enough to fall asleep through the worry. They were bad again on Wednesday night but fortunately not as bad Tuesday night. And last night they were fine. (No jinxies!) If (if if if if if!!!) I can make it to my OB appointment on Monday, I am very fearful of what kind of damage (aka: dilation) those contrax have created. Eeeeeeeeeek. [Side note: Dr. Zen said contractions are more common at night—which is definitely when I get most of mine, between 7 and midnight—something about circadian rhythms, have others experienced this?]

But, I am still here! Thank you lord.

My Mom has been in town the past couple of days. We had to lay some very serious ground rules: NO TALKING ABOUT MY CERVIE OR UTE. Fortunately, she has not made the comments I feared she would. She did talk a fair amount about how QUICKLY all four of us kids came into the world….3 hours max from the start of labor. I admit it elevated my heart rate hearing about that and I think crazy thoughts like, Oh my gosh, what if I don’t realize it’s labor soon enough and I have the babies at home, they are too tiny to not have doctors helping them. I am so incredibly hyper-alert of every tensing, aching, contracting sensation—each one I experience is a little lesson in managing my fears. Zen zen zen zen.

I am working full-time from home via my laptop, but it’s been awesome having my Mom in the house with me. Boy do the days go by faster when I’m not totally isolated! She has also been working herself to the bone around the apartment, taking on all of the nesting projects I didn’t get to: cleaning out the drawers and cabinets in our kitchen and putting in new liners, putting up art in our hallway, hanging up art in the babies’ room, organizing all of the babies’ clothes and gear into dressers and drawers and bins. She finds new projects to delve into on her own….last night she cleaned up all of the dead leaves and winter muck off of our front porch! She also has done about a dozen loads of laundry. She is such a good egg and I am so appreciative of her help! 🙂

I am so so so so so grateful and happy to be 33 weeks. Thank you cervie, thank you ute, thank you sweet Baby A and Baby B. You are all doing SUCH an awesome job. Thank you lord, for letting us make it this far. Today is all I can think about. One more day, one more day, one more day.

Hanging in

We had a GREAT appointment this morning.

• My cervix is still totally effaced, but Dr. Zen said maybe she could feel a tiny bit of length. I will TAKE IT!
• My cervix is still a “loose 1cm.” It doesn’t get any better than “no change” at this point. Yip yip yip!
• We had a growth scan and Baby A is measure 4 pounds 5 ounces and Baby B is 4 pounds 4 ounces. Baby A’s head is waaaaaaay low. Like, so low that the tech was pressing the u/s probe well below my pubic bone. Yikes! No wonder I feel a ton of pressure even laying around on bedrest.
• I talk to the babies a lot lately. I have been telling Baby A all day that he needs to stay chill and not bump up against my cervie. And then I tell Baby B not to kick her brother and push him down any more. We need the babies to stay chill. Hubs keeps reminding them that they are getting awesome food in utero (homemade Sheperd’s Pie, chili, burgers, shakes, etc.) and that they won’t eat this well again for years….so they should stay put and really enjoy it while they can!
• The tech said that she could see Baby A practicing his breathing. Awesome job, sweet little guy!
• I gained 2 pounds in the past week so I am back up to my weight 3 weeks ago, or 28 pounds total. I continue to eat protein and milkshakes like it’s my job. Because, seriously, it is.
• My blood pressure was a little high. It almost got me sent to L&D for a pre-eclampsia work-up. They checked it several times…ay yi yi. Fortunately Dr. Zen chalked it up to my nerves about the cervix check, but I heard her telling the nurse we need to keep an eye on it.
• This is a little embarrassing, but I had to fill out a depression screening form today and Dr. Zen kept telling me I need be calm. I think the midwife who checked me last week must’ve written “This patient is crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” on my chart last week. I explained to her, and to Dr. Zen again today, that I am not depressed. I am just scared! And when I am scared, I get teary-eyed. I love my babies so much and want them to have the best start in life possible. I am doing better at managing my fears and emotions…every day we make it is a major boost to my heart and psyche.
• I downloaded some meditations on iTunes last week and have been listening to them every other day. And I am avoiding bad karma in every way I possibly can. (Including deleting the mean anon comment I got over the weekend. I 200% get it: I am totally and completely lucky to be pregnant, even if I am at severe risk of delivering preemie babies who will be in the NICU for weeks or months. If it bugs you to read what’s up with me, please don’t visit my blog!)

I think that’s it. I am very happy to be where I am today. Thank you lord, for our sweet babies and for letting us come this far. I continue my mantra: One more day, one more day, one more day. All I can do is think about today. Today today today. We love you so much sweet litte Baby A and Baby B.

Zen zen zen zen zen zen zen zen

Greetings from Ante Partum. I was sent to Labor & Delivery at 8:30am yesterday morning, because my routine biweekly checkup with Dr. Zen turned out to be not so routine. All was going well until the cervie check. She pulled her hand out and said, “Well, my dear, your cervix has changed considerably since I last saw you. You’re 100% effaced [no length left] and 1.5cm dilated.” Then she hugged me and told me she was sending me to L&D for steroids for the babies’ lungs and to monitor my cervix and contractions (which I could not feel AT ALL) and to determine if I was in active labor.

Fast-forward through the scariest day of my entire life. I don’t even want to get into it the dark places I have been mentally and emotionally. On the upside, the care here is absolutely awesome: I have been ultrasound-ed, my cervix has been checked so many times that I’m leaking blood, I’ve gotten one steroid injection for the babies’ lungs, I’m on an IV for hydration, I’ve taken multiple rounds of blood pressure meds to relax my uterus, I’ve met the NICU doctor to learn about the potential issues in 30-week babies (shudder), I’ve signed the paperwork for an epidural, I’ve met with seven nurses, a triage doc, the anesthesiologist, a couple of residents and one of Dr. Zen’s partners…..and on and on and on. Today will hold more of the same!

The (really really really) good news is that last night I was cleared to eat (yip!) and got moved up to Ante Partum from L&D. My cervix has not worsened since I got here (please please please no jinxies) and also the contractions (which, yes, I now know what they feel like) have mellowed from every 90 seconds to every 5 to 7 minutes. They have taken me off the fetal and contraction monitors so it’s up to me to alert someone if the contrax become more frequent or painful.

I haven’t been able to sleep more than maybe an hour or two hour total, even though I’m no longer on the uncomfie fetal and contraction monitors. It is so hard to quiet my whirring mind. And I find myself crying every couple of hours…with overwhelming fear and love for our sweet little babies. I know that’s not good for me or them so I try hard to breathe through the tough spells. Hubs had to go home last night after our romantic V-day dinner (haha)—he has a major academic deadline this week so the timing is pretty much the worst for him—but he will be back here at some point today (working away) and I know that just having in my room will help. He is definitely my rock. I miss him!

So now we watch and wait and hope and pray and hope and pray and hope and pray that the contrax continue to chillax, and that my cervie stays strong. (It can’t stay long, there’s nothing left of it!)

Please pray for our sweet little babies. It is too early for them to come out into the world, they are so tiny and have so much left to do before we meet them. I am so grateful they were able to at least get an extra day inside of me and that they are getting these amazing steroids. Every day is so very important to their survival and health in the real world.

Zen zen zen zen zen zen zen zen.

Yip!

The nurse called to tell me about the results of my fasting and glucose bloodtests I took on Monday morning. Both were perfectly normal! No more blood tests for me! Yip yip yip!!!! She was unclear on whether this means I am no longer considered a GDer….as in, she didn’t know whether or not I need to keep following my special GD diet. She said to just keep up with it and I can discuss it with Dr. Zen at my next appointment.

Which is fine, I am perfectly okay with this new eating plan. But I will probably splurge on more milkshakes, since I want those babies growing nice and chubby and since I became OBSESSED with them the moment I got the initial GD news. (Haha.)

This has been an nutty, busy, stressful, looooong week of work—with a blizzard thrown in for good measure. Suddenly, my sleep went from bad-ish (waking every two hours to pee and think about the state of the world) to bad (not comfortable in any position, oddly achey legs that remind me of marathon training, weird heavy-ness in my lower ute that makes me panic-y-ish, can’t fall back to sleep unless my bladder is 100% empty, which honestly means getting up and peeing all.the.time, etc!)….which has not helped me power through the craziness at work. I am seriously like a beached whale flipping around in bed every night, poor poor hubs! But it is soooooo worth it for the sweet little babies to be comfie and growing big, strong and healthy in there. Sweet little babies.

I am SO HAPPY it’s Friday and that I got some good GD news to end the week. Yip for 29 weeks! Keep growing big and strong, Baby A and Baby B!! 🙂

Ahh, Dr. Zen

Alrighty, here is a big ‘ol 28 week update.

• I showed up for my 10am appointment having not eaten or drank anything since last night and they literally had no idea what kind of blood draw they were supposed to do with me, it was chaos for almost 45 minutes. I was like, PEOPLE! I would rather not beg you to draw my blood! I’m just following the OB’s orders! Whatever is going on, can I please just eat my breakfast?! They eventually sorted it out and we did my fasting blood draw and one-hour post-breakfast blood draw. The lab technician explained the confusion by saying, “It’s just so RARE we have people fail the 3-hour GTT.” Thanks dude. 🙂 I splurged on part of a milkshake AND a piece of apple pie on Saturday (with protein, promise!) so I hope that didn’t f- up my results. Oh well.
• The growth scan was awesome. Baby A (boy) is measuring 2 pounds 11 ounces and Baby B (girl) is measuring 2 pounds 9 ounces. Good good good job, sweet little babies! Keep growing big and strong!!!
• I got to see Dr. Zen for the first time since our 21 week anatomy scan! She is such a calm, soothing presence and is so honest and articulate. I really really really like her.
• Baby A is head down and Baby B is breech. Dr. Zen said that, barring the myriad complications that can happen at pretty much anytime now, she wants to do a vaginal delivery with me. This is my first choice, too, as I would like to experience labor. (I know, nutso.) I told her I would prefer the vag-delivery if I could have my druthers, but also that I am 100% comfortable doing whatever is best for the babies, whether that’s c-section or whatever.
• I can continue swimming, lifting, elliping, walking, working, sex, etc etc etc for as long as I feel up to it. Btw, I am not really feeling up to much these days. 🙂 Just sayin’.
• Dr. Zen said if I can make it to 36 weeks I’m going to be very big and uncomfortable and that she recommends working from home or working reduced hours, if possible. Unfort, that is NOT possible with my job. If I’m not at work, I’m not able to work. (Side note: I could maybe work from home on Mondays, this is something I’ve requested for post-maternity leave but my bosses are still thinking it over.) She understood the predicament and suggested I simply not take on any new projects starting at 36 weeks. (Oh, to make it to 36 weeks!)
• Because the twinsies’ feet are in about the same spot, I can’t differentiate movement from them individually. Dr. Zen said I should feel at least three bouts of movement a day.
• She did a manual cervie check and I’m long and closed. Phew.
• I gained one pound over two weeks, for a grand total of 23 pounds. This seems low to me, but Dr. Zen isn’t worried so I’m not going to be either. I was eating so weirdly for that week before I met with the R.D., I wonder if that’s to blame?
• We talked about Braxton Hicks. (Yes, I talk to EVERY doctor about BHs.) Leave it to Dr. Zen to finally make me understand them! She said, “You know when you get up from going to the bathroom and you have some tightness all over your stomach?” Yes, I do know that feeling. “Those are BHs.” So far, I don’t think I experience them much outside of the zillion and one times a day and night I go to the bathroom. We’ll see how long that lasts…
• What I do have: random shooting pains in my lady parts region. And random stabbing pains on the right or left side of my uterus. It is pretty cool that my body is doing weird stuff, and I try to focus on that and not panic! Sometimes at night I feel crampy-ish—like that heavy pre-period feeling—and it freaks me out because many bloggies describe the time right before labor in the same way. Again, zen zen zen zen. I am trying to trust that if something is wrong, or I’m going into labor, I will KNOW.
• Speaking of the bathroom, I’m seriously going a minimum of every 2 hours at night. It’s been like this for the past month. No wonder my right groin muscle kills from swinging it over my Snoog so much, this is what I’d call a chronic overuse injury.
• We’re scheduled to attend our first of two multiples birthing class on Wednesday night. Unfortunately, there’s a big blizzard heading straight for Chicago on Wednesday so I’m guessing it’ll get cancelled. Hopefully they will resked soon, we are now in the anything-can-happen–zone and I would really love to get this class in ASAP.
• I have not really blogged about it, but I am literally obsessed with the baby room we’re putting together.  Since we have not traveled or hosted guests the past two weekends, and since I’ve phased out all freelance work going forward, I’ve been able to make progress on all sorts of house projects on Saturdays and Sundays. It feels SO GOOD to cross some long-standing items off my long to-do list. Hubs is crazy-busy with some academic deadlines, but he’s a good egg and helps where he can. Stay tuned for deets.

It’s pretty crazy to be talking about labor and the baby room and ending work and all of that stuff. (Please let everything be okay!!) I am hoping and praying so hard that our sweet little babies keep growing big and strong and that I am able to keep them in as long as possible. So much is out of my control, I am going to just keep feeding them healthy foods, taking it easy when I can, resting as much as possible, exercising when I’m up to it, and working hard at work and at home to create the safest, happiest, most nurturing place possible for them when they are ready to meet hubs and me.

Keep on keeping on. Zen zen zen zen. Positive thinking. All of that good stuff!!!

On the border….yet again

I used to write about how anytime I’d do a medicated cycle, I’d get a “borderline” cyst that RE #1 would always decide necessitated me riding the bench for a month. It. Would. Destroy. Me. I do not miss those appointments.

Well, today at my biweekly OB appointment I found out I am on the border again. (And also that the babies look great and their little hearts are beating away!!!) Last week I took the Glucose Tolerance Test (GTT). My clinic changed its protocol two weeks before I was scheduled for my 26-week gestational diabetes screen, and, instead of having every patient do the typical screening test (drink orange glucose liquid at home, come in and get blood drawn an hour later), they now make everyone do the full GTT shebang to ensure they aren’t getting false positives or negatives on the screen test (fast for 12-hours pre-test, get a fasting blood draw at the office, drink orange glucose liquid, get another blood draw an hour later and then another two hours later…I think some clinics do three hours worth of blood draws but mine stopped at two).

Anyway. My fasting level was normal. My 1-hour level was on the high end of the normal range. And my 2-hour level was 9 points above the normal range. So….bam….I am being treated as though I have gestational diabetes. Oh, and my iron was also low (even though I take a supplement every morning and have iron in my pre-natie Rx, weird). The OB told me to indulge in plenty of cheeseburgers. But apparently SANS BUN and with no chocolate shake as a chaser, if my preliminary research on GD is any indication. 🙂

Sigh!

Ah, well. I am feeling a little weirded out by this news, but it’s because I want the very best for the babies. I don’t want my hormone issues to put them at ANY risk. I want them to be healthy!  The next step is to meet with a dietician (I already left her a vmail…I’m ready to make my body a healthy non-carb/non-sweets sanctuary for the babies ASAP!!!!), then I will need to have all of my future appointments at Dr. Zen’s office in the early morning, because from here out I will come to them having fasted, I’ll get my blood drawn, then eat breakfast, then have another blood draw an hour later. I may have to go in for those blood draws once a week, I think the OB is going to discuss me with Dr. Zen to see how she wants to handle. Because I’m “borderline,” they think diet tweaks and office blood draws will be enough to make sure everything’s okay, I (hopefully!) won’t have to mess with insulin injections and at-home blood draws.

When Dr. Zen’s partner told me the news, I admit that got a lump in my throat. My first question was, “Was it something I did?” I have gained a healthy 22 pounds at 26w5d. I eat healthfully the vast majority of the time. I don’t eat fast food. I exercise regularly. I have a normal BMI. I have no family history of diabetes or GD. I write about nutrition, for gosh sakes! She said it has nothing to do with me, it’s about how my body processes glucose during pregnancy and that’s out of my control. And my body is borderline not-so-hot at it. (This apparently happens twice as often in twin patients.)

I’ve read blogs where the writer finds out she has GD and she talks about feeling responsible. I would read those posts and think to myself, Of course it’s not her fault, she shouldn’t feel that way! But then, when it happens to you, you do feel like it’s something you did. I’m trying to shake that feeling. The important thing is that there is something I can DO about this diagnosis.

So. It’s all good. I am okay with being on the border this time. I’m so happy my office caught me when I might otherwise have flown under the radar—this way we can make SURE that the babies and I are perfectly healthy. We’ll get it in check. These babies are going to get whatever foods the R.D. says is best for them and they are going to be healthy kiddos! 🙂

I’ll update on this topic when I’ve done the requisite hours of Googling and the meeting with the R.D., of course.

25-ish weeks

According to my IUI date, which was a Friday, I am 24 weeks and 6 days pregnant. But after my first OB appt placed the babies a few days ahead (size-wise), I have sorta gotten into the habit of counting Tuesday as the day the week changes. It’s like a half-birthday…and then every Friday is the REAL birthday. Confusing I know. But the upshot is that I am almost 25 weeks.

Yesterday was my first growth scan. Since I feel the babies moving every day—some days a lot more than others, and never the crazy activity I read about in some blogs, but definite movement that I can see thru my tummy at times!—I did not totally freak out before this appointment. (Thank you, babies!! Keep moving as much as you want! I love it and find it IMMENSELY comforting!!!) But I admit that AplusB’s recent L&D scare had me scribbling down pre-term labor-ish Qs for Dr. Zen’s partner.

The babies are looking good! Baby A (the boy) is at 1 pound 10 ounces and Baby B (the girl) is at 1 pound and 11 ounces. She has had a little growth spurt to move ahead of her brother—I think she’s loving the recipes we’ve been cooking up from the Julia Child’s cookbook hubs got me for Christmas. 🙂 Speaking of delicious food, I gained one pound in 2.5 weeks (which was kinda nice after gaining 5 pounds in 2 weeks at my last appointment—it had to be 90% egg nog!!). I’m at 20 pounds so far. Keeping growing big and strong and healthy sweet little babies!!!!!

I asked the OB what the heck contractions feel like and do I need to be worried about pre-term labor. So, basically, as I understand it, innocuous Braxton Hicks contractions just feel like your tum is tensing and then releasing. She said I’ve probably experienced them a fair amount by now. Ummm, not sure, should I know for sure? I do get a tensed-tummy feeling after sex (sorry for TMI), which sounds like BH, but I don’t ***think*** I’ve gotten them any other time. I don’t know, I’ll keep an eye out. She said the contrax they worry about at this point occur more than four times in an hour and usually feel like menstrual cramps. I have not felt any of those and am hoping and praying that I will continue to steer clear of them.

We talked about the fFN test, which some clinics seem to give to twin patients starting about now (according to my blog reading): basically this test measures a protein that can signal or not signal that labor may or may not be happening in the next 2 weeks. My chillaxed clinic doesn’t use the fFN. Like, ever, even if you have weird pre-term laborish symptoms. Ditto for bedrest, except in super-extreme cases—they just don’t believe it stops pre-term labor. And I can continue my swims and ellip sessions as long as I feel up to it. My clinic = so mellow! It’s good for me. (You know, zen zen zen zen.)

A word on the exercise. I don’t know if it’s because I got SO SPOILED over the holidays with sleeping-in and daily naps or what, but now that I’m back at work and back to reality (blah! work!), I’m feeling more zonked than ever and am not really “working out” except on weekend days. (I did manage to do some light weight-lifting/calisthenics in front of the Today Show before work this morning. Ha!)

Other stuff: I get breathless walking up a flight of stairs. I make little grunts when I pull on my undies thanks to my big belly (and I love that belly!). I’ve strained my groin muscle from chronically swinging my legs and belly over my Snoogle at least three times a night when I wake up to pee and contemplate the state of the world/my job/work deadlines/the babies/etc. My constie-ness is back (though not nearly as severe as it was at the beginning). I come home from work and just chill on my bed until it’s time to make dinner (or to watch hubs make it).

I say all of this so that it’s clear that I’m definitely not running around like the Energizer Bunny or anything. But, all of that said, I feel pretty freaking great (and, of course, so lucky to be where I am right now) and I sorta keep waiting for the other shoe to drop…..if that makes any sense.

At the end of the appointment, the doctor said, “Things can change quickly, so keep us posted if you have any concerns. But, it’s okay to feel good!”

So I’m just going to ride this honeymoon period as long as it lasts. 🙂

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