The 3T!

In my year of treatment with Dr. C, Dr. K and Dr. Awesome, I could never ever imagine what it might feel like to be pregnant. We were trying everything under the sun to start our family, but I couldn’t picture it actually happening. Now that I am here…..at 28 weeks and in the third trimester (!!!)…..there seriously are no words…..oh, my gosh…..I am so lucky and so grateful for this miracle I’m experiencing and for these babies who hubs and I love so very very very much.

I am thinking of all of my bloggie friends who are still in the trenches and hoping so very hard that the end to your suffering and the answer to your dreams is just around the corner. Please lord!

As you all know, I’m not much of  a pic poster. But I’m including a smattering of images from the past six months—proof that this is really happening. Because it’s seriously on the verge of incomprehensible how incredibly lucky and blessed we are. Apologies for the fuzz-tastic quality, these were taken on my phone. I pray with my whole heart and every cell in my being that they continue to grow big, healthy and strong and that we meet these babies when the time is right! Grow, babies, grow! We love you.

One perfect gestational sac. My heart practically burst with love. Thank you, Dr. Awesome!!!

Suddenly two sacs! Freaked out, thanked the lord, flew to Oregon for a long-planned vaca with hubs.

Finished the day we found out about Baby A and Baby B on a beach together in beautiful Oregon.

12-ish weeks. About to go on an EZ jog.

22-ish weeks.

25-ish weeks.

28 weeks. Yeah, I pretty much live in lululemon Groove pants apres work.

We hung stockings for sweet Baby A and Baby B this Christmas. This is my iPhone background. 🙂 We love you so so so so much sweet babies!!!

Lucky babies, lucky me

Oh my gosh, you guys, I had the best weekend. Hubs and I went home for a shower with my Mom’s best girlfriends. My older brother’s wife flew in from Boston for the party. (My bro was supposed to be there, too, but he got stuck at work. Poor guy, we missed him so much.) My little sister and little bro were there. My Dad was there. Our family nanny who began caring for my sibs and me when I was 9 years old was there. I felt so loved and supported by my family and our family friends. I feel grateful every single day to be where I am. Thank you SO much Dr. Awesome, and thank you lord, for bringing us to this point….we are so very very very lucky and we love these babies so much that it makes my heart practically burst!

The twinsies got a ton of awesome loot—lots of blankets and binkies and onesies…and even a few things off our registries, too! 🙂 And even though I am soooooooooo sooooooo (to the millionth degree) awkward in situations where I have to open presents on-the-spot or be the center of attention, I just repeated to myself that I was doing it on BEHALF of the babies. It was all about them!! It helped that my sister and SIL sat on either side of me on the couch, making me feel a tiny bit less in the spotlight.

My Mom is seriously Martha Stewart….all of the details she thought of were so special and beautiful and perfect. The invitations had little nests with two eggs inside with “boy” and “girl” written on the eggs. I loved them. LOVED them. And here are some pics from the actual shower/brunch!!

My Mom had my Dad tie the blue and pink bows onto the front gates of the house. She insisted that he tie the blue one on the left and the pink one on the right, because that’s where Baby A and Baby B are attached.

Everything was blue and pink! For example, vases holding pink roses with blue ribbons tied around them. There was a tiered serving platter holding cupcakes with pink frosting and blueberry muffins. There was awesome food, too—the same menu from our day-after-our-wedding brunch (croissants with sugar-coated strips of bacon inside, fresh yogurt with homemade granola and berries, frittata with a chipotle sauce on the side), plus lots of extra sweets.

Even the crystal pitchers holding sparkling water had a little Baby A and Baby B shout out inside—blueberries and raspberries.

My SIL packed a giant suitcase filled with favor-making materials, which she, my little sister and I all put together at about 11pm the night before: little nests with blue and pink confetti, blue egg-shaped soaps and pink lotion.

Did you make it this far? Then here’s a an unexpected sight for you (haha): my first-ever belly pic. That’s me after the shower, ready to take a seat (and a nap). 🙂 Grow, sweet little babies, grow!!!

Do twins run in your family?

Actually, yes, they do. There are three sets of fraternal twins on my Mom’s side of the family (though not since my grandma’s generation). But obviously I know that’s not why hubs and I are pregnant with twins.

*****

When I told my two bosses we were pregnant last week, one of their first questions was, “Do twins run in your family?” And then when the news began spreading around the office, and various co-workers stopped by my cube to say congrats (soooo surreal but wonderful!), that question was asked at least another half-dozen times.

I know some of you bravely share your IF struggles with others. And I think that is AWESOME! Perhaps you will be frustrated or saddened by this revelation, but the truth is that I am not one of those people. For me, IF has been a very private journey (in my real life, of course not on this blog). And I simply DO NOT want to share my reproductive history and sex life with coworkers or random strangers or even most of my friends.

So when people ask if twins run in my family, I say something like, “a couple of generations ago there were twins on my mom’s side!” or just “yes, actually, they do.”

I also say “YES!!!” when people ask if twins were a surprise. (Seriously? Yeah, of COURSE they were. Does anyone “expect” twins?) But I’ve decided that people who ask that are actually asking if I underwent fertility treatments in a less invasive way than “Did you undergo fertility treatments?” And by the way, people ask that, too—several coworkers and a friend so far. “Did you do IVF?” “Did you take Clomid?” etc. It’s amazing what people will ask.

I am learning that when you’re having twins, that’s just how it goes.

*****

So far I’ve kept pretty darn quiet about our 10 months of infertility treatment. Our parents know. One dear friend of mine knows the whole saga (she is not connected at all to my college friends and 100% keeps it to herself). Another friend in NYC knows I couldn’t get my period after going off the pill (I confided in her when we were visiting friends last Thanksgiving, back when I thought 100mg of Clomid the next month would be my answer—ha!) so I’m sure she’s put this all together. My older brother knows we had some help. And that’s it. (Besides you awesome bloggies!)

But then on Monday my SIL (hubs’s brother’s wife) sent me a really sweet congratulations email. She’s a physician’s assistant and I guess that automatically means she’s been schooled in fertility stuff. Because over the course of emails she asked if twins run in my family. I said yes and figured that was that. But then in the next email she outright asked if—even though they run in my family—they were conceived “au natural or if we used Clomid or something.”

It was really nosy and I was taken off guard. But it’s also, like, well, she’s in medicine and she’s family and she wasn’t asking in a mean or ignorant way, but in a curious and loving way. And it’s one thing to blur the details or evade the truth with strangers and coworkers. It’s another thing to lie to family. You know? It rocked my internal ethical code, as much as I wanted to lie. Plus, it crossed my mind that hubs’s Mom knows about our struggles (as of last April) and while I trust her, I wonder if she couldn’t help but hint at our issues to her kids?

So I said to my SIL, “We did have some help, but were so lucky it didn’t come to IVF. Please keep that between you and BIL.” And then she wrote back congratulating me again, apologizing if she had been prying and promising not to discuss with anyone else, and that she was interested because of her career in medicine.

I still don’t know if I did the right thing by opening the kimono, so to speak. It has really been bothering me. And I can’t figure out if that’s because she knows my secret or if I’m bothered that it bothers me so much.

*****

I’m so protective of how these sweet babies were conceived.  I want to shield hubs, myself and—most important—both of them from the stupidity that is out there. And maybe I’m perpetuating that stupidity and stigma by not courageously sharing our story. But I am shy, I am very private, and this incredibly dark and difficult time has been something between hubs and me. I’m not ready to let the whole world in on all of the miracles we have been blessed enough to benefit from—low-dose HCG, Gonal-F, trigger HCG, ultrasounds, blood tests, progesterone supps, IUIs, the brilliant Dr. Awesome, amazing nurses, and on and on and on….

The truth is that these babies are honest to goodness miracles and we are so so so so so blessed and grateful and bursting with happiness because of them. No stranger/friend/family member/coworker can take that away from us.

I didn’t run my 10th marathon on 10-10-10

And I couldn’t be happier about it. 🙂

Yesterday, on the awesome date of 10-10-10, 45,000 runners woke up at the crack of dawn and raced 26.2 miles in the Chicago Marathon. I watched the elite athletes race on TV. Even if you are not into running, if you want to see the most inspiring, chills-inducing finish EVER, please watch this AWESOME video that shows the last mile or so of the men’s race (they run so fast it’s only a few minutes long). I was literally yelping so loudly from the living room that hubs had to come in to see what all of the racket was about. I got to meet Sammy Wanjiru last year for work—he’s the guy in red—and I heart him!! (Weird coincidence, the day I interviewed him was also the day I popped my first-ever Clomid pill.)

For the past 15 months I have been so careful about not over-extending my body and that has meant no racing and no long distance runs. (Except for a race over Memorial Day weekend, right after I found out IUI/injects 1.0 was a bust and I was on bench month because of a cyst.) This has honestly been pretty tough for me because I guess you could say I have always fallen back on races as life-preservers to get me through hard spots. I signed up for my very first marathon when I was a few months out of college….hubs was working insane 100+ hour weeks in his i-banking job in NYC and I was feeling lonely and lost in a new city. Answer: Find a goal, connect with the running community, dedicate myself to training and feel good about myself during a rough time. (It worked!)

Of course I have done plenty of races just for the fun of it, but I have repeated that recipe throughout my life. When we moved to Chicago three major things happened within the span of one month….we were plopped into a new city, I started a new job, and we got married. Whew! My answer to the stress: train for and run the Chicago Marathon, of course!

During infertility treatment, training would’ve been a great coping mechanism for the hormones and stress I was putting myself through. Based on my hormone levels—and the fact that I was not underweight or low on body fat or anything like that—neither Dr. C, nor Dr. K, nor Dr. Awesome said running caused my anovulation (that may forever be a mystery), but they all agreed I should relax on it during treatment. Running was exactly the opposite of what my body (physically) needed. And we wanted a baby so very very very badly that there was NO QUESTION I would chill the heck out and let my body rest up.

So I stopped training for stuff cold turkey. And as for plain old exercise, I stopped running hard, and long, and I ran less often.

Over the past year I have fielded a lot of questions from coworkers and friends about what race I’m gearing up for next. When a big part of your identity is as an active, sporty, race-running person, I guess that’s what happens. It would hurt my heart every time I’d give my “Actually, I’m taking some time off and running for fun for the joy of running!” response.

It was the truth, but still.

I told my bosses we are pregnant on Thursday morning (!!!) and gave them the green light to tell people at work (I am much too shy for that!). So the news slowly trickled around most of the office by the end of the week.

I think it’s pretty awesome that I was given the gift of feeling comfortable enough to tell people right before the marathon.

Now when someone asks me, “Did you race this weekend?” I can say, “Nope. I am pregnant!” I am so lucky and so very very grateful to be where I am today.

Distractions: That Q&A chain letter thingie

Thank you, Sienna at It’s Baby Time—who’s glorious freaking BFP and hiiiiiigh 1st Beta have me bouncing off the walls with joy!!!—for tagging me in your Q&A post. Since I am sorta floating along waiting for our NT Scan and 12 weeks check-up, I thought this would be a nice way to pass the time without repulsing you all with stories of Crinone and constie-ness. 🙂 Time for some lighter fare!

(1) What is your dream occupation?

Honestly I am doing my dream job, which is pretty darn awesome!!! However, when I Walter Mitty other careers, I think about owning a spa/boutique, like Ruby Room in Chicago. Hubs daydreams about opening an old school pub with an awesome beer list and chill, homey vibe and I would be cool with helping him out with that, too. 🙂 My other fantasy is that I go to med school and get an M.D. so I can be an RE and help couples make their dreams come true, like Dr. Awesome did for us. Okay, that’s a bit much and pretty time consuming by the time you factor in the whole residency thing, so maybe in this fantasy I’ll be an RE’s nurse—more patient interaction!

(2) What is the best dish that you can cook?

Hubs and I absolutely love, love, love to cook, but the truth is that I am his sous chef for most dishes. When left to my own devices, I can make a mean baked ziti and chicken and dumplings soup. I also love baking desserts, especially chocolate chip cookies, pumpkin pie, rice pudding and caramel cake for my husband’s Christmas Eve bday.

(3) Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper? What for?

Yes, in high school I was a super-jock and showed up in print for endeavors in tennis, basketball and soccer. Also, we made the paper when we got married, haha!

(4) what’s the worst and/or most memorable job you’ve ever had?

When I was 24 and living in NYC, I left the world of investment banking for a TOTALLY different career path. It was a huge risk and I am so so so lucky it 110% paid off. I adore what I do. I truly love my job right now, even though I don’t love the hours or the salary. And I would really like to be able to work for myself from home if we are lucky enough to have these babies. That is a work in progress.

(5) When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? How old were you in reality when you got married?

I thought I’d be married by 25ish and pregnant/a Mom by 27. As it turns out, hubs and I began dating at age 21, didn’t get married until we were 27, and then it took us another four years to be ready for kids and to start trying for them and to actually conceive. My due date is two weeks after my 32nd birthday, but since twins tend come early, we’ll see.

(6) What’s your most hated household chore? What’s your favorite?

I despise taking out the trash. ‘Nuf said.

I looooove doing the laundry. I think this is because until two years ago I lived in apartment building situations where I’d have to go down to a dungeon and put in quarter after quarter to do a load of laundry. In our last building, I used to bemoan laundry days from the months of December to March, when our steps were icy and the air was bitterly cold and I would venture into the frigid outdoors into multiple underground laundry rooms in our sprawling building, ferreting away load after load so I was getting as much done at once as possible. It was easily a ½ day weekend job and I really made it stressful with my need to get it done as QUICKLY as possible, so sucky! Now, ahhhhh, we have a washer and drier in our apartment and I feel grateful for that each time I put in a load. Seriously, I could write sonnets to our wonderful washer and dryer.

(7) What’s your earliest memory?

I grew up in farm country in Kansas. My earliest memory—from when I was maybe 2 or 3 years old—is of my older brother and I clomping around a wood pile behind the house searching for a snake we’d seen from a distance. I am not kidding, that’s what we were up to when left running wild. We moved out of the country by the time I was 5 years old. I am such a city girl now, it’s hard to imagine me fearless with nature like that. But I still love flannel shirts and cowboy boots!

I am passing this along to four lovely bloggies who I have just begun following—and adoring—this past summer and who I haven’t seen answer these Qs yet!!! If you’re not into this sort of thing, no worries. 🙂

1) Rosie at Infertile in Italy

2) B at My So-Called (TTC) Life

3) CW at My Path to Insanity and Beyond

4) Ruth at No Baby Ruth: Playing Baseball Without a Bat

Meandering through June

I ran 8 miles in the pouring rain early on Saturday morning. I felt slow and heavy, and my legs still burned with the after-shocks of the hard (untrained!) effort of running the race last weekend. But I reveled in every step. I felt relief that the storm kept the Moms and Dads with their baby joggers off the lake path. I sloshed along and felt my lungs searing, my quads burning and my feet freezing; it all felt good. And then I walked/limped into our apartment, looking like a drowned rat, and I poured a mug of steaming coffee, cuddled into a cozy sweatshirt, and just sat there sort of staring into space: too tired and numb to think or to be scared or to feel sad.

Running is my escape.

*****

Hubs and I joined a CSA for the first time this summer! We’re sharing a weekly delivery of farm-fresh produce with three other friends. The first shipment…..romaine lettuce (sorta a snore, we’re using for side salads), spinach (we used it as a topping on a homemade deep dish pizza last night), kale (sauteed with shallots and garlic and lemon and served alongside leftover grilled chicken after a late night at work on Friday). With the leftover spinach, we’ll make this awesome bean dish, which is hearty enough to serve as a main course. The real toughie in the box was rhubarb, which hubs and I have never cooked with. We’re making a strawberry-rhubarb crisp tonight to follow hubs’s pulled pork and my homemade potato salad (with real mayo, no store stuff!).

You can see why I really should run 8 miles every day, right?

****

Meanwhile, we spent Memorial Day weekend planting veggies, herbs and some flowers. We also bought some cushions for the wrought iron furniture on our (tiny) front and back decks. We’ve live in this apartment for three years and had never done all of this! OMG, now I could literally live (with a book and a glass of vino) on my back deck. It. Rocks. (Dudes, I went to Home Depot four times and Target two times in the course of three days!)

I must say that I melted a bit watching hubs get down and dirty with the plants as we potted them last weekend. He keeps checking on them, too, making sure they have enough water and remarking on the weather and how the sun or clouds might effect them. 🙂 Ohhh, my sensitive little heart. Imagine if I ever get to see him with our baby?

****

We’ve also been decently social lately. (Ugh, I’ve been such a little hermit. Especially with the break…I just…I have nothing to say to anyone right now and it’s horrible, I know, but it’s how I feel.) We went to a birthday party for a college friend on Tuesday night. I was sooooooo not in the mood to be social and celebratory, but I sacked up. It ended up being a fun party and it was distracting. It majorly helped that the group we were hanging with was mostly singletons, so babiesbabiesbabiesbabies = not on their minds. Thursday night we went to a spur of the moment dinner at a restaurant called Schwa with some friends. That was freaking awesome. (More on that in another post. We went to THE BEST restaurant in Chicago/possibly the country and it’s not really fair I’m acting all, Ohhh, whatevs, I’m being social about one of the best meals of my entire life!!!)

*****

We have our consult with the new RE on Thursday morning. I’m sure I’ll get nervous in a few days, but for now I’m just excited. I wonder what this new RE will think of my treatment thus far? I’m worried he’ll look at my nine months with clinic #1 and say, “I cannot freaking believe they had you on Clomid three times given your hormone levels!!!!” or something like that. I’m equally worried he WON’T say something along those lines. 🙂 Oh geez, can I give an RE a break?

Anyway, T-minus 3-days until the Dr. Awesome consult. Looking forward to the appointment takes a bit of the sting out of my daily cocktail of BCPs, Pre-Naties, supp supps, etc. I’m gonna run and cook and garden my way through Thursday.

It didn’t work

There will be no cinematic, beginners-luck, image-of-a-positive-HPT, how-I-told-hubs finale to this cycle, dear bloggies. I guess I knew it in my heart of hearts when NOTHING felt even slightly different in me as the days ticked by during the 2ww. Still, one little line is a sad sight.

I think we’ll have a forced break in June, because of yet another wedding trip. (Gah!) Now that I’m stopping the prog supps, my period would have to show up by the weekend (and I’d have to be cyst-free, what are the chances with my history?!) for us to squeeze in another cycle before we leave town on June 18 (fyi, I didn’t IUI until CD17 of this cycle, and Dr. K wants to lower my dosage next time).

So, we will try again as soon as we can. And keep our fingers crossed that I just fell on the wrong side of the coin toss this month. That someday I WILL see two lines. In the meantime, I’m booking a consult with APlusB’s Dr. Awesome in June. My clinic has subpar IVF rates and his are the best in our area; we want to meet with him to begin exploring our options if we need to go that route. Maybe we’ll even do our next injects cycle with him. It might be time for a fresh start with a new clinic.

Positives of this cycle

1. My lining kicked ass! We have come so far from the dark Clomid days when Dr. C was talking about a surrogate.

2. I totally responded to the Gonal-F. More slowly than some folks, sure, but I did get a mature follie.

3. As always, hubs has great swimmers and for that we are very, very grateful.

4. We didn’t get canceled!

5. We made it to IUI-land for the first time!

Room for improvement

1. I would love to see my lining get past 8mm.

2. We had one mature follie this month. Next time it would be awesome to have two or three or four legitimately mature follies before triggering.

3. Hubs and I were both sick with colds on IUI day (him especially, poor guy). I sniffled and sneezed my way through the first week of the 2ww. Feeling 100% healthy would be great next time.

4. We traveled 9DPO and 11DPO; hopefully next cycle falls during a more chill, stay-at-home time in our lives.

5. I probably won’t go running during my next 2ww. I doubt it messed up anything, but the fact that I’m even writing this means I’m not 110% convinced it was okay.