It’s the same old song

Every morning, en route to my office, my bus drives right by Grant Park, a beautiful lakefront park in downtown Chicago. Hubs and I will be there baking under the steamy August sun this Sunday, as we are every first weekend in August, listening to our fave bands and discovering new ones at Lollapalooza.

This weekend is also the one-year anniversary of the first home pregnancy test I ever took. (I’ve only taken four since then, all because Clinic #1 required them.) It had been weeks and weeks since I’d been off birth control and while I was 90% sure I hadn’t ovulated and wasn’t pregnant (I’ve never ever ever had a symptom, remember?), I wanted to make absolutely sure before indulging in some beers at the the concert. I remember standing in my bathroom early that Saturday morning, hopping from one foot to the other, waiting to see. UP popped the control line, in a flash. And of course, that was all there was. One lonely line. Hubs gave me a hug, then I took a walk around my neighborhood and thought and thought about my next steps. I knew something was wrong.

I was fine afterwards, it wasn’t a shock or anything. But late that night, after a couple of beers were in my system, tears began rolling down my cheeks while hubs and I watched the Fleet Foxes play an aftershow at a bar. It was this endless well of emotion that I didn’t even know was inside me, and I was tapping it for the very first time.

I wish I could go back in time and give that woman a hug. She had NO idea what was in store for her and how tough her year would be. Provera. TSH test. Referred to RE. Consult with Dr. C. The Clomid bust months. The crazy-thin lining. The HSG. Second consult with Dr. C. The cysts. Consult with Dr. K. The hours and hours and hours of Googling.  The bench months. The early morning monitoring appointments. The blood draws. The canceled cycles. The injectables. The failed IUI. Consult with Dr. A. The second failed IUI. The third IUI. The jealousy. The fear. The anger. The regret. The frustration. The guilt. The shame. The heart-crushing longing to see two lines. So many tears.

And now I can’t help but wonder, as I look forward to my weekend at Lolla….do I need a hug now? The truth is, I STILL have idea what’s in store for me. Will I ever get to move forward, and leave this purgatory?

Very very interesting

Remember how I wanted my estrogen to fall? It did not. It rose from 305 to 410. My LH is up a bit, too. And my lining grew from 3mm to 4mm since Friday.

Remember how I wanted my cyst to get smaller? It did not. It grew by 1mm.

Remember how I said this is the weirdest, lightest period of my entire life? Dr. K has a theory about that.

She’s the attending doc, who’s on call for two weeks while Dr. C is on vaca. She thinks my body may not be ready to call this cycle off. I had a mini-consult with her during this morning’s ultrasound and spoke to her on the phone this afternoon after my blood work came back. She thinks this might be a viable follicle—a slow-grower leftover from the Clomid. She’s having me come back on Tuesday for more monitoring to see if my estrogen and LH continue to rise. If they do, she wants me to take the HCG trigger. And then IUI. And then take progesterone. She said this is extremely unusual. And that implantation would be a long shot with my thin lining (which the Provera didn’t help, but didn’t hurt much either). She wants to check it out.

She also has a theory on my thin lining….that I’m estrogen deficient and that it’s possibly due to endurance-level exercise in my past. (I have majorly chilled out on exercise after a decade of marathons and triathlons.) For that reason she might recommend a different injectable (Menopur instead of Gonal-F, since my LH is chronically low and Gonal-F is an FSH-only drug while Menopur has both FSH and LH). I asked her if it would make her or Dr. C uncomfortable if she looked at my medical and TTC history and met with me and hubs for a consult in April. She said it would be perfectly fine and she thinks it’s a great idea.

No matter what Tuesday brings, I think this is what we’d call, a bone. 🙂 Right my friends? A doctor who is looking at my case with fresh eyes. One who has a plan. And who thinks outside the box (potentially trigger on CD30 to salvage the wonkiest cycle ever?! Awesome!).

So, for 36 hours, I have hope again. (Is that okay? Am I setting myself up for another crash on Tuesday afternoon?) How amazing would it be if I could trigger and IUI for the first time? C’mon estrogen & LH….RISE!

Same old, same old

Still no period. (Ugh. This is the longest it’s ever taken after Provera. A cruel coincidence? I see April slipping away and it totally sucks.)

Still taking my array of lining-boosting supplements morning and night. (This is good, it makes me feel like I’m doing something.)

Still running. (Some, but not too much.)

Still going to acu. (It’s awesome, I feel so chill afterwards.)

Still have the injects sitting in my fridge. (Just waiting to be used!)

So what’s different?

I’m contemplating making an appointment with a fertility-specializing counselor. I have been in a very dark, sad place this week. I think it’s the waiting for my period…and the dread of the family gatherings/wedding in two weeks….and general malaise and fear about everything IF-related. You’d think I’d have hit rock bottom by now (like I thought I did last Monday), but apparently not. Apparently there are no limits to the depths I can go. This frightens me…I’ve never been like this in my life…there’s never been a hole I couldn’t pull myself out of. But this is a battle that’s getting the best of me lately. I don’t think it’s fair to hubs to bring this worry/sadness home every night, and to wake up with it every day. Anyone see a counselor for IF help? I’ve been looking online and the literature seems to recommended seeing someone after major events (ie: Miscarriage, a BFN). Do I even qualify? Do Provera Crazies or or Canceled Cycle or Break Months or Bad RE Consult or Fear of Thin Lining count?

I have two big freelance projects that have been taking up a good chunk of my weekends for the past month. After I turn them in, I’m chilling out on freelancing. I take on this kind of work because I’m not sure what my job situation will be after hubs finishes grad school in about a year and a half. I may have to freelance full-time if we move to a new city (which would be fine with me! I’ve been wanting to be a stay-at-home-mom/freelancer for a loooonog time), and so I need to keep up with my contacts and stay in the game. It’s also helpful having the extra cash-flow. But, it’s been too, too much lately.  I need a break from it. I’m over it. I want to enjoy my nights and weekends.

I’ve been inspired by bloggies who are taking care of themselves with massages lately. I’m going to treat myself to one or two in the near future. (See above, and here’s an example of why it’s great to have that extra freelance cash-flow…the double-edged sword!)

Yes, this post was all over the place. It’s one of those days/weeks/months…

Oh, this again

My, oh my. How many times have I been on Provera now? Ugh, bloggies, too many to count. I finished up my last pill in a 5-day dose on Sunday. So now I wait. I had actually planned to impress you all with my amazing Zen-ness about this part of my cycle (Whatever, my period will come when it comes! I’ve been through too much to care about when my silly period shows up! Life is good! etc…), but I seem to have entered the 3-days-of-waiting zone, which brings out the Egg Crazies.

After all these months of not ovulating, and thin lining, and breaks from cysts, and then this latest canceled cycle….I want April.

If my period doesn’t show up in the next few days (the cushion I allowed for in my very dorky but amazing cycle spreadsheet in Excel), I will bench myself this cycle. Because looming on the horizon is hubs’s little bro’s wedding—he’ll be out of town for four days, I’ll be gone for three—which is potentially disasterous for monitoring and/or IUI timing. (I say that hopefully, I realize this cycle has a great chance of being cancelled due to over- or under-stimulation or, dum dum dum, thin lining.)

I could’ve waited a few weeks and started the Provera around the wedding so we’d avoid this potential timing issue. But, darnit, I didn’t want to wait three more weeks to take the Provera! And there’s another wedding at the end of April!

Anyway. Provera Crazies have arrived. Not because of the hormones (or lack thereof, it’s got to be out of my system by now), but because of the totally uncontrollable nature of my body. It’s a microcosm of IF.

Welcome to my world

Hi ICLWers! Thank you so much for stopping by; I’m happy you’re here!

To get you up to speed, here’s a quickie version of my TTC history….

After 10 years of BCPs I went off them and never got my period. I was prescribed Provera a few times to kickstart it: I’d get it but then weeks and weeks would pass sans period. Finally in October I began seeing an RE. Diagnoses: anovulatory.

We have tried three cycles of Clomid since October, taking breaks in between the first two due to cysts. In December I ovulated for the first time since TTC. (Yip!) But my lining was so thin (3.2mm) that even if I had conceived, there was no chance of it sticking. My most recent cycle was canceled on CD16: no follies over 10mm. But worse, my lining only got to 4.4mm. Yes, I do know that happens to a lot of women on Clomid—however, I was also taking Estrogen suppositories, so I really ought to have had great lining.

That seemed slightly worrisome, but became slightly crushing. Last week we met with our RE for a third consult and he informed us that my lack of response to Estrogen is a serious concern. He’s hoping I magically fluff up on injectables, but he warned us we’re nearing the end of the road if my lining doesn’t improve. (You can always try new and different meds to improve follicles and trigger ovulation; but without decent lining, you can’t get pregnant.) It was a pretty devastating conversation.

We are hoping with all of our hearts that injects do indeed improve my lining, even though I don’t respond to Estrogen. But if they don’t, we will seek a second opinion from an RE who’s willing to try alternative therapies on my lining. Or we’ll take a break. Or possibly both. That makes this upcoming injects cycle pretty important. Of course my heart physically yearns for a BFP. But above all else, I need my lining to get better. Otherwise, we will be heading down a new rabbit hole…

Now onto the more fun parts of my world: hubs, running, writing and cooking. I’ve gotten to enjoy them all today.

7am Suit up for a 5-mile race.

9:30am Finally cross the start line and run through downtown Chicago on a blustery, gray, frigid but awesome morning. Hubs runs it, too—the longest distance he’s completed. He ROCKED it! 🙂

11am Hubs and I relax with big cups of java in a coffee shop to warm up and then take a cab home.

12pm We prepare The World’s Best Pancakes with maple syrup–butter to celebrate his longest-ever race. And drink mugs of spicy hot coca.

1pm I work on some freelance assignments in front of the TV while hubs watches basketball. (I’m KU fan; my ‘hawks lost last night—so sad! Fortunately, hubs’s team, University of Kentucky, is still in the tourney and looking great.)

Up next Bottling hubs’s latest batch of beer (a Saison), cooking din, more freelancing…and injects training in the a.m.!

The past few days

I have not been feeling super blogariffic this week, so I really apologize for my lack of commenting and reading and posting. That said, I am feeling better, so I’ll be back in action soooon.

Monday was kind of a sad, doomsday-ish blur. You guys were there. I was upset and scared. The ubiquitous darkness of IF felt twisted and nightmarish in new and horrible ways. Suddenly I was thinking things like, Would I even consider a surrogate? And, Would hubs and I be okay as just the two of us forever and ever? There was a lot more brewing in the witches pot of Bad IF News, but I think you get the picture. YUCK.

Then Tuesday I felt pretty ticked off at Dr. C. I mean, what RE tells a sensitive, hormonal, baby-desperate woman that he doesn’t know whether she can get pregnant? We appreciate honesty, but I am apparently a fragile little thing who really benefits from a more positive bedside manner. We still trust in Dr. C, but I think his consult performance was begging us to go out and find a second opinion. Some internet research suggests there are some experimental ways to get around lining that won’t respond to Estrogen. That said, we think any RE would be taking this course of action (injects) so I feel good about proceeding with this cycle as planned. And if ditching the Clomid and trying new drugs doesn’t thicken up my lining as we are so desperately hoping it will, and Dr. C won’t think outside the box with us, then we will move on. We are very fortunate to live in Chicago, where there are a number of fantastic RE clinics. Hubs and I are not accepting this good-lining-or-bust thing. I hope we can prove ourselves right.

By Wednesday, it was time to get busy. Action is the antidote for despair, right? Even though he has an actual dissertation to work on in real life, hubs is currently working toward his PhD from Google in the esteemed field of Uterine Lining-ology. (And he’s on track to graduate with Honors, as you will see in a future post wherein I bestow all of the findings upon you.) For the past few days he’s been sending me links to studies and RE-penned blogs, all of them related to thickening the endometrium. At night, he comes home bearing Walgreens gifts. 🙂 I’m now taking Vitamin E, L-arginine (an, um, male performance supplement that works similarly to Viagra), baby aspirin, Fish Oil and Pre-Natals. And going to acupuncture. Oh, yeah, and I’m also taking Provera and have some Gonal-F arriving this weekend. It’s a freaking Fertility Pharmacy next to our coffee maker!

Now on to the really important stuff: the world’s biggest THANK YOU! Thank you all so much for your kindness via comments and emails on Monday. To those of you who know me and have been reading along, your heartfelt comments warmed me on a chilling day. To all of the folks who aren’t regular visitors and dropped by to offer support, I am so grateful and uplifted by your words. And to those of you who had successful stories to share, thank you so very much. You gave me hope. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

CD1: Hoping for an “on” month

Proving yet again that my body has a mind of its own, my period showed up overnight. YAY! (Cue the cheering crowd with a football-stadium sized ROAR of excitement!) It’s here a day earlier than last time I was on seven days of Provera. Which is just fine by me: I’m really happy and excited to get rolling again.

I’m going in for basline monitoring on Thursday morning. If the cyst dissipated and my estrogen level is down, hubs and I get to begin a new cycle. And if we get that green light, it will be our second-ever shot at making a baby. Kinda crazy considering how long we’ve been at this. If you couldn’t tell, I am filled with hope!! 🙂

In the meantime

During this off month I’ve managed to check a couple of major things off my list: the HSG and the consult with Dr. C. I’ve continued charting. (FYI, FF has me at 9DPO thanks to that faux temp rise from the Provera. It is so annoying seeing that every day! I need to figure out how to override it.)

I also made some purchases on Amazon. I bought The Fertility Diet. We already cook 90% of our meals and eat pretty healthfully, but it’ll be fun to flip through it. I asked hubs if I was absolutely ridiculous for buying it. He said, no. Because he knows I feel so helpless in this process and it makes me feel better to take control of what I can. If it makes me feel better, there’s nothing ridiculous about it. (Good answer hubs!)

I also finaaaaaally bought Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I know, I know, I also can’t believe it took me this long to get around to purchasing every TTCers bible!

**********

I popped my last Provera pill this morning, so now I wait for my period. I am hyper-, hyper-aware of my left ovary, where that cyst was. I’m turning into a bit of a head-case. For the last few days, a few times a day I think I might have felt a dull ache in that area (which is what the cyst felt like to me when they discovered it), and I am filled with dread that it’s still there and it’s going to force me to take even more time off. I even had a dream last night that the u/s tech found the cyst again on my next CD3. Even my dreams are not sacred from the worry!

I have watched people go through three cycles in the time it has taken me to have one. It’s been a little bit frustrating. I know it doesn’t matter what I want, but I would really like to have a second shot at getting pregnant! Time will tell, but I’m going to stay positive!! 🙂

Image via abless.

Kinda-sorta forward progress

Happy Monday, bloggies!!!! Maybe if I use enough exclamation points I won’t be so bummed the weekend is ovah!!!! 🙂 How is the weather where you live? It was a grey, snowy morning here in the Midwest, but not too cold so I got in a nice little 5-miler along the lake path. It was enough to re-set me and lift my spirits, though I still have some impatience issues that just won’t. go. away….have I mentioned that this break month has been totally brutal? I am so antsy to cycle again! I feel like everyone in blog-land is IUIing and 2ww-ing and I am just twiddling my thumb, watching the days, weeks and months go by !  Ahhhh!

On the upside, I’m approaching—slowly but surely—CD1 again: I started up the Provera yesterday. (Never got that magical temp shift suggesting my leftover follie released an egg, no surprise there.) I really hope this is the last time I ever have to take it. (Okay, Provera? I’m sure you’re pretty sick of me, too.) As of this a.m., I have a faux temp spike going, so the progesterone is definitely alive and well in my system. I’ll finish it up on Saturday and hopefully AF will arrive within five days after that. (And then, hopefully hopefully that dang cyst is gonzo at baseline monitoring.) That all feels forever away, but at least I’m doing something, right?

In other news, hubs and I are meeting with Dr. C on Wednesday morning. I’ve been going back and forth about whether or not to keep this appointment, since I got some Qs answered in that mini post-HSG consult. But, I would really like hubs to meet the man who’s helping us make a baby. And, even though I REALLY want this upcoming last-hurrah Clomid cycle to work, I want to know what my treatment plan will look like if it doesn’t. Next step is most likely injectibles, and if I know what he’ll put me on, I can start shopping around for good prices and all that stuff. 

I’m kind of nervous for the consult. I have a memo going of questions, but I need to put some time into getting EVERYTHING down on paper. Anyone who has been on injects, is there anything you recommend I ask Dr. C? Something you wish you’d asked or that came up during your cycle?

What’s up with me

As I count down the days until I begin Provera and finally start cycling again (oh, no impatience here!), here is a bit of randomness, the stuff passing my time on this off (freaking) month. 🙂

Tomorrow afternoon hubs and I are going to a Chili Cook-Off! We have gone the past three years and it’s always a great time…sampling chilis, voting for our favorites, drinking beers. (Okay, you all know I SO wish I couldn’t drink beer right now, but I’ll tryyyyyy to enjoy it.)  Hubs makes a MEAN chili himself, so we have planned to cook up our own on Sunday. His recipe is pretty much perfect, but he always gets inspired by something at the cook-off so I’m sure our Sunday rendition will be tweaked just a bit!

The temps have been quite pleasant for January—we’re talking 20s instead of single digits—and I have been taking advantage of the warm spell and running outside. My current workout sked: Three days of running outdoors, one day riding my bike indoors, one day of ellip or yoga super EZ and one day of light lifting. It’s feeling good….nothing crazy, but enough to keep me sane and buzzing with endorphins.

I have a couple of Christmas gift cards I need to use—one to Anthropologie and one to lululemon. Do you want to know something crazy? I have been putting off using them because I wanted to treat myself to some cutie preggo something-or-other in a few months. Every month that goes by on the sidelines or with a BFN, I wonder why I deprive myself of a cute new something I could wear NOW! 🙂

My hubs makes me (and my siblings and his sibs) a couple of CDs every year for Christmas. It’s all music he has discovered over the year from various secret sources. Each CD is different, customized just for that person and their tastes and personality. Oh, they are awesome, I look forward to them each year. Right now I am totally digging The Dutchess and the Duke, which made an appearance on one of my CDs. Check them out. You will not be sorry. My fave song by them, at this moment, is Scorpio.

My all-time fave female athlete is American runner Kara Goucher. I. LOVE. HER. After the mararthon world championships in August, she publicly announced she was taking a break to start a family. I recently Googled to see if the media has caught wind of her being knocked up. So far, no news of that. Since her entire life and income revolve around running at an elite level (something she can’t do while TTC or being preggo), I wonder what the pressure to make a baby must be like. Brutal, I’m sure.