Confessions

Tons of random ramblings at 9-weeks-old….

• It’s dangerous for me to go to the baby section at Target….everything is so cheap so I go a little too crazy! Can’t resist sundresses for Honey and polo onesies for Champ.
• I remember when I was on bedrest, a lot of folks IRL and in blog comments told me the worrying never ever ends when you have kids. This is definitely true, but I must say that the relief that the babies made it into the world safe and sound still has not worn off. I do not miss the intense anxiety of pregnancy one bit.
• Whenever someone asks me the babies’ birth weights, I tend to add a disclaimer along these lines: “But I ate a ton of cheeseburgers and sheperd’s pie and milk shakes and protein during pregnancy!” I need to let it go.
• Even though I was anxious most of the time, I loved every moment of being pregnant. I was pretty worried I’d get the baby blues after birth, but I didn’t. I think being so grateful to be able to walk around and do chores and lift things again took the edge off (since I’d been on bedrest for weeks).
• I’ve been getting phantom kicks since the babies came out.
• The babies are tiny celebrities whenever I take them out. People go crazy for twins. They deserve the attention, sweet sweet things!!!!!
• I’m still amazed and grateful and over the moon happy that I can breastfeed. I was so so so so so worried I wouldn’t be able to.
• I love bonding with the babies while nursing, and I love providing nutritious breast milk for them, but pumping all of the time takes. a. toll.
• Plus, I miss my small boobs. They never grew or got sore during pregnancy, then BAM, right after giving birth, they arrived. I can’t fit into any of my button-up shirts or old tops.
• But it is pretty cool that hubs mentions how “awesome” my boobs are at least once a day. 🙂 I have a serious rack, it’s out of control.
• Even though we’re NOWHERE close to thinking about more kids, I do hope and pray that my cycle/period magically comes back when I stop breastfeeding. I want it to work again. (Pregnancy has been shown to “re-set” the body in some anovulatory women.) I think about that way too much.
• Even though I’m BFing AND I’m anovulatory, hubs and I are using condoms just to be really really really safe. It seems so strange to use protection, considering the lengths we went to for our babies.
• Condoms suck.
• I REFUSE TO GO BACK ON THE PILL. I still blame it for my anovulation.
• I wish I was skinny for my college reunion this weekend. I know that’s totally vain, and I just had twins, and yada yada….but I just don’t feel comfie in my bod right now. I have these huge boobs, a mushy tummy, a soft jawline…it’s okay, it’s just hard to be on display, if that makes sense? OF COURSE our babies are 200% worth it.
• Even though I miss my pre-IF figure, I will say that breastfeeding burns a ton of calories. I’m almost at my pre-pregnancy weight—which is insane considering the amount I eat these days—everything just seems to be situated totally differently.
• I’m running (shuffling) a few times a week, too. I sent an excited text to my little sister last week that I was up to running for 33 minutes straight and she wrote back, “Only that long, are you injured?” Uhhhhhhh, thanks? She doesn’t get that even though I’m “a runner,” you can’t take this much time off, give birth, and then have the muscle strength or fitness to bang out a five-miler. Kids!
• I picked up the babies’ birth certificates downtown yesterday afternoon and tears welled up when I saw their names on those official documents and after signing for them as “Mother.” Wow wow  wow. It will never ever get old, I am in awe of my amazing luck and life.

I think that’s enough random-ness for one night! xoxo

Home again home again, jiggity jig

I survived the wedding weekend and the 40 hours away from Champ and Honey and hubs! It ended up being really fun, and I am SO HAPPY I was able to be there to support my friend and watch her take this huge step of marriage in her life. I did miss the babies constantly and I called/texted/emailed hubs a dozen times to check on them. I brought one of Champ’s swaddle blankets with me and cuddled up with it on the plane rides and at night so I could smell their sweet baby smell while I was away. And anytime a wedding guest asked if I had pics of the babies, I whipped out my phone and showed them a few of the three hundred pics I have saved on there of the babies. 🙂 Their ears must’ve been ringing alllllllll weekend long.

I realized that it’s been FOREVER since I was truly in a social setting. Hubs and I went out to dinner on February 13 (his brother was visiting) and then the next morning the pre-term labor stuff happened and I was put on bedrest for five weeks, and then the babies came and I’ve been a hermit who only leaves to take walks, etc. Of course we’ve had friends over to visit, and we went out to dinner on my bday last month, but I haven’t been ACTIVELY social in about three months. I walk around the hourse in my lulu pants and glasses. I live on coffee and granola bars. It felt like I was being released into the wild! A blow out! Make-up! Pictures! Dancing! Small talk with six other bridesmaids! Cocktail hour! A sit-down dinner! A seven-hour long wedding reception in which to meet new people and catch up with old friends!

I felt like I went from being a hermit to a social butterfly. It was crazy and overwhelming but actually completely wonderful.

And OH MY GOSH was it amaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing to walk in our apartment door yesterday afternoon and to find my chubby babies waiting there. I felt like my heart was going to burst. We spent the ENTIRE afternoon snuggling and cuddling together in my bed. 🙂

I’m glad I got the social rust off, as we are heading to our 10-year college reunion in a couple of weeks. AHHHHHH!!!!! I reserve the right to change my mind, but the current plan is for all four of us to fly (!!!) to the East coast and set the babies up with hubs’s parents and spend the first night at their house. Then hubs and I will head to campus for a day and night sans babies. Then hubs’s parents will bring the babies up to campus on Saturday so we can introduce them to our friends. I actually ordered Honey a dress and Champ a polo shirt in our school colors, so I think this is really and truly happening.

If you had told me, when they were born at under 5 pounds, that we would be able to (physcially and emotionally!) take them on a plane trip at 10-weeks old and introduce them to our best college friends, I would’ve thought you were crazy. But their ped has given them 110% clearance to travel. And I think it’s going to happen….

So yeah, basically I have two weeks to try to get my body in a place I feel good about. Honestly? I just don’t have the time or energy to exercise and lift like I need to in order to get my figure back. And I eat even more these days (breastfeeding makes me super hungry) than when I was pregnant. It’s not a good time to diet. (Of course, I don’t really need ice cream at night, but that’s another story!) Being a couple months postpartum and seeing tons of peeps you haven’t seen in 10 years = not ideal timing. I’m going to do a post on recovery from bedrest and birth + exercise + eating, etc at another time. But these babies are (of course!!!!) worth this soft body with its ginormous boobs!!!

Ahh, Dr. Zen

Alrighty, here is a big ‘ol 28 week update.

• I showed up for my 10am appointment having not eaten or drank anything since last night and they literally had no idea what kind of blood draw they were supposed to do with me, it was chaos for almost 45 minutes. I was like, PEOPLE! I would rather not beg you to draw my blood! I’m just following the OB’s orders! Whatever is going on, can I please just eat my breakfast?! They eventually sorted it out and we did my fasting blood draw and one-hour post-breakfast blood draw. The lab technician explained the confusion by saying, “It’s just so RARE we have people fail the 3-hour GTT.” Thanks dude. 🙂 I splurged on part of a milkshake AND a piece of apple pie on Saturday (with protein, promise!) so I hope that didn’t f- up my results. Oh well.
• The growth scan was awesome. Baby A (boy) is measuring 2 pounds 11 ounces and Baby B (girl) is measuring 2 pounds 9 ounces. Good good good job, sweet little babies! Keep growing big and strong!!!
• I got to see Dr. Zen for the first time since our 21 week anatomy scan! She is such a calm, soothing presence and is so honest and articulate. I really really really like her.
• Baby A is head down and Baby B is breech. Dr. Zen said that, barring the myriad complications that can happen at pretty much anytime now, she wants to do a vaginal delivery with me. This is my first choice, too, as I would like to experience labor. (I know, nutso.) I told her I would prefer the vag-delivery if I could have my druthers, but also that I am 100% comfortable doing whatever is best for the babies, whether that’s c-section or whatever.
• I can continue swimming, lifting, elliping, walking, working, sex, etc etc etc for as long as I feel up to it. Btw, I am not really feeling up to much these days. 🙂 Just sayin’.
• Dr. Zen said if I can make it to 36 weeks I’m going to be very big and uncomfortable and that she recommends working from home or working reduced hours, if possible. Unfort, that is NOT possible with my job. If I’m not at work, I’m not able to work. (Side note: I could maybe work from home on Mondays, this is something I’ve requested for post-maternity leave but my bosses are still thinking it over.) She understood the predicament and suggested I simply not take on any new projects starting at 36 weeks. (Oh, to make it to 36 weeks!)
• Because the twinsies’ feet are in about the same spot, I can’t differentiate movement from them individually. Dr. Zen said I should feel at least three bouts of movement a day.
• She did a manual cervie check and I’m long and closed. Phew.
• I gained one pound over two weeks, for a grand total of 23 pounds. This seems low to me, but Dr. Zen isn’t worried so I’m not going to be either. I was eating so weirdly for that week before I met with the R.D., I wonder if that’s to blame?
• We talked about Braxton Hicks. (Yes, I talk to EVERY doctor about BHs.) Leave it to Dr. Zen to finally make me understand them! She said, “You know when you get up from going to the bathroom and you have some tightness all over your stomach?” Yes, I do know that feeling. “Those are BHs.” So far, I don’t think I experience them much outside of the zillion and one times a day and night I go to the bathroom. We’ll see how long that lasts…
• What I do have: random shooting pains in my lady parts region. And random stabbing pains on the right or left side of my uterus. It is pretty cool that my body is doing weird stuff, and I try to focus on that and not panic! Sometimes at night I feel crampy-ish—like that heavy pre-period feeling—and it freaks me out because many bloggies describe the time right before labor in the same way. Again, zen zen zen zen. I am trying to trust that if something is wrong, or I’m going into labor, I will KNOW.
• Speaking of the bathroom, I’m seriously going a minimum of every 2 hours at night. It’s been like this for the past month. No wonder my right groin muscle kills from swinging it over my Snoog so much, this is what I’d call a chronic overuse injury.
• We’re scheduled to attend our first of two multiples birthing class on Wednesday night. Unfortunately, there’s a big blizzard heading straight for Chicago on Wednesday so I’m guessing it’ll get cancelled. Hopefully they will resked soon, we are now in the anything-can-happen–zone and I would really love to get this class in ASAP.
• I have not really blogged about it, but I am literally obsessed with the baby room we’re putting together.  Since we have not traveled or hosted guests the past two weekends, and since I’ve phased out all freelance work going forward, I’ve been able to make progress on all sorts of house projects on Saturdays and Sundays. It feels SO GOOD to cross some long-standing items off my long to-do list. Hubs is crazy-busy with some academic deadlines, but he’s a good egg and helps where he can. Stay tuned for deets.

It’s pretty crazy to be talking about labor and the baby room and ending work and all of that stuff. (Please let everything be okay!!) I am hoping and praying so hard that our sweet little babies keep growing big and strong and that I am able to keep them in as long as possible. So much is out of my control, I am going to just keep feeding them healthy foods, taking it easy when I can, resting as much as possible, exercising when I’m up to it, and working hard at work and at home to create the safest, happiest, most nurturing place possible for them when they are ready to meet hubs and me.

Keep on keeping on. Zen zen zen zen. Positive thinking. All of that good stuff!!!

On the border….yet again

I used to write about how anytime I’d do a medicated cycle, I’d get a “borderline” cyst that RE #1 would always decide necessitated me riding the bench for a month. It. Would. Destroy. Me. I do not miss those appointments.

Well, today at my biweekly OB appointment I found out I am on the border again. (And also that the babies look great and their little hearts are beating away!!!) Last week I took the Glucose Tolerance Test (GTT). My clinic changed its protocol two weeks before I was scheduled for my 26-week gestational diabetes screen, and, instead of having every patient do the typical screening test (drink orange glucose liquid at home, come in and get blood drawn an hour later), they now make everyone do the full GTT shebang to ensure they aren’t getting false positives or negatives on the screen test (fast for 12-hours pre-test, get a fasting blood draw at the office, drink orange glucose liquid, get another blood draw an hour later and then another two hours later…I think some clinics do three hours worth of blood draws but mine stopped at two).

Anyway. My fasting level was normal. My 1-hour level was on the high end of the normal range. And my 2-hour level was 9 points above the normal range. So….bam….I am being treated as though I have gestational diabetes. Oh, and my iron was also low (even though I take a supplement every morning and have iron in my pre-natie Rx, weird). The OB told me to indulge in plenty of cheeseburgers. But apparently SANS BUN and with no chocolate shake as a chaser, if my preliminary research on GD is any indication. 🙂

Sigh!

Ah, well. I am feeling a little weirded out by this news, but it’s because I want the very best for the babies. I don’t want my hormone issues to put them at ANY risk. I want them to be healthy!  The next step is to meet with a dietician (I already left her a vmail…I’m ready to make my body a healthy non-carb/non-sweets sanctuary for the babies ASAP!!!!), then I will need to have all of my future appointments at Dr. Zen’s office in the early morning, because from here out I will come to them having fasted, I’ll get my blood drawn, then eat breakfast, then have another blood draw an hour later. I may have to go in for those blood draws once a week, I think the OB is going to discuss me with Dr. Zen to see how she wants to handle. Because I’m “borderline,” they think diet tweaks and office blood draws will be enough to make sure everything’s okay, I (hopefully!) won’t have to mess with insulin injections and at-home blood draws.

When Dr. Zen’s partner told me the news, I admit that got a lump in my throat. My first question was, “Was it something I did?” I have gained a healthy 22 pounds at 26w5d. I eat healthfully the vast majority of the time. I don’t eat fast food. I exercise regularly. I have a normal BMI. I have no family history of diabetes or GD. I write about nutrition, for gosh sakes! She said it has nothing to do with me, it’s about how my body processes glucose during pregnancy and that’s out of my control. And my body is borderline not-so-hot at it. (This apparently happens twice as often in twin patients.)

I’ve read blogs where the writer finds out she has GD and she talks about feeling responsible. I would read those posts and think to myself, Of course it’s not her fault, she shouldn’t feel that way! But then, when it happens to you, you do feel like it’s something you did. I’m trying to shake that feeling. The important thing is that there is something I can DO about this diagnosis.

So. It’s all good. I am okay with being on the border this time. I’m so happy my office caught me when I might otherwise have flown under the radar—this way we can make SURE that the babies and I are perfectly healthy. We’ll get it in check. These babies are going to get whatever foods the R.D. says is best for them and they are going to be healthy kiddos! 🙂

I’ll update on this topic when I’ve done the requisite hours of Googling and the meeting with the R.D., of course.

25-ish weeks

According to my IUI date, which was a Friday, I am 24 weeks and 6 days pregnant. But after my first OB appt placed the babies a few days ahead (size-wise), I have sorta gotten into the habit of counting Tuesday as the day the week changes. It’s like a half-birthday…and then every Friday is the REAL birthday. Confusing I know. But the upshot is that I am almost 25 weeks.

Yesterday was my first growth scan. Since I feel the babies moving every day—some days a lot more than others, and never the crazy activity I read about in some blogs, but definite movement that I can see thru my tummy at times!—I did not totally freak out before this appointment. (Thank you, babies!! Keep moving as much as you want! I love it and find it IMMENSELY comforting!!!) But I admit that AplusB’s recent L&D scare had me scribbling down pre-term labor-ish Qs for Dr. Zen’s partner.

The babies are looking good! Baby A (the boy) is at 1 pound 10 ounces and Baby B (the girl) is at 1 pound and 11 ounces. She has had a little growth spurt to move ahead of her brother—I think she’s loving the recipes we’ve been cooking up from the Julia Child’s cookbook hubs got me for Christmas. 🙂 Speaking of delicious food, I gained one pound in 2.5 weeks (which was kinda nice after gaining 5 pounds in 2 weeks at my last appointment—it had to be 90% egg nog!!). I’m at 20 pounds so far. Keeping growing big and strong and healthy sweet little babies!!!!!

I asked the OB what the heck contractions feel like and do I need to be worried about pre-term labor. So, basically, as I understand it, innocuous Braxton Hicks contractions just feel like your tum is tensing and then releasing. She said I’ve probably experienced them a fair amount by now. Ummm, not sure, should I know for sure? I do get a tensed-tummy feeling after sex (sorry for TMI), which sounds like BH, but I don’t ***think*** I’ve gotten them any other time. I don’t know, I’ll keep an eye out. She said the contrax they worry about at this point occur more than four times in an hour and usually feel like menstrual cramps. I have not felt any of those and am hoping and praying that I will continue to steer clear of them.

We talked about the fFN test, which some clinics seem to give to twin patients starting about now (according to my blog reading): basically this test measures a protein that can signal or not signal that labor may or may not be happening in the next 2 weeks. My chillaxed clinic doesn’t use the fFN. Like, ever, even if you have weird pre-term laborish symptoms. Ditto for bedrest, except in super-extreme cases—they just don’t believe it stops pre-term labor. And I can continue my swims and ellip sessions as long as I feel up to it. My clinic = so mellow! It’s good for me. (You know, zen zen zen zen.)

A word on the exercise. I don’t know if it’s because I got SO SPOILED over the holidays with sleeping-in and daily naps or what, but now that I’m back at work and back to reality (blah! work!), I’m feeling more zonked than ever and am not really “working out” except on weekend days. (I did manage to do some light weight-lifting/calisthenics in front of the Today Show before work this morning. Ha!)

Other stuff: I get breathless walking up a flight of stairs. I make little grunts when I pull on my undies thanks to my big belly (and I love that belly!). I’ve strained my groin muscle from chronically swinging my legs and belly over my Snoogle at least three times a night when I wake up to pee and contemplate the state of the world/my job/work deadlines/the babies/etc. My constie-ness is back (though not nearly as severe as it was at the beginning). I come home from work and just chill on my bed until it’s time to make dinner (or to watch hubs make it).

I say all of this so that it’s clear that I’m definitely not running around like the Energizer Bunny or anything. But, all of that said, I feel pretty freaking great (and, of course, so lucky to be where I am right now) and I sorta keep waiting for the other shoe to drop…..if that makes any sense.

At the end of the appointment, the doctor said, “Things can change quickly, so keep us posted if you have any concerns. But, it’s okay to feel good!”

So I’m just going to ride this honeymoon period as long as it lasts. 🙂

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Holiday happenings

A very belated HAPPY HOLIDAYS, bloggies! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, whatever you celebrate!!

I’ve been totally AWOL! First work was craaaaaaaaaaaaaazy before the holidays. Then we were in Philly for Christmas with hubs’s family and I forgot to pack my lappie’s power cord….so I had to ration my battery power to actually do work and not blog. (Sigh.) I read your posts from my phone but it’s impossible to comment that way so please forgive me for being behind in checking in with all of you! We got stuck in Philly with the crazy weekend snowstorm. (Ugh.) We ended up renting a car and driving down to DC yesterday because we couldn’t get a flight back to Chicago from Philly, all of the 12-hour trains from Philly to Chicago were full (!!) and we didn’t feel comfortable driving the 12 hours on winter highways….anyway, we finally made it home at midnight last night and I am so so so so so so happy to be here! Back to my comfie bed (no more fold-out couch!), my lovely Snoogle body pillow, my humidifier, my awesome shower with its amazing water pressure, my healthy breakfast options (no more bacon every morning!)….ahhhhhh, home, sweet home.

The babies got lot of loot this Christmas. 🙂 We got carseats and a travel crib from my parents. Hubs’s parents gave us a rocking chair for the nursery and some onesies. Hubs’s sister gave us a nursing pillow and stuffed animal and more onesies. Hubs’s brother gave us a flip video cam. And my sibs all went in together on a totally adorable night light for the nursery (above) that I would never have splurged on for myself but have been eyeing for 6 solid months.

Lucky us, lucky babies! And now for some random updates….

I am feeling good but big. I stopped jogging after the Turkey Trot with my fam over Thanksgiving and have been rotaing yoga DVDs, swimming and the elliptical a few times a week. Just getting to the gym is becoming more of an effort but it’s so worth it to get some exercise and feel like I’ve got a healthy routine in place. Hubs and I hit the gym a few times over the holidays and it not only felt good to move around, but it was also lovely to get some Zen, me time away from the house.

*****

Over the holiday weekend I had some discharge that freaked me out. It was more copious, yellow and a thicker consistency than the usual thin, white stuff I get. The next time I went to the bathroom there was some semi-solid discharge, about the size of a pea. Of course I used my phone to Google my findings and found scary stories about women losing their mucus plugs and going into premature labor. It was the day after Christmas and we were officially stuck with the snow so I opted not to call my doctor’s office, figuring they’d hear the fear in my voice and invite me into the office to get it checked out (which I couldn’t do). The discharge went right back to normal and I took it easy snuggling with hubs’s family’s dogs in front of the TV the rest of the weekend so I feel okay about it. But I’ll ask my OB about it when I go in for my growth scan next week. (Grow babies, groooooooow!)

*****

I also have my gestational diabetes test next week. Just this month my clinic eliminated the orange drink-blood test because they felt they were getting too many false positives. So they told me to scrap the orange glucose fluid they’d sent me home with in November and to come in for that 2nd test most folks only take if they fail the first one, after having fasted for 8 hours. I know twin Moms tend to develop gestational diabetes more often so we’ll see what happens…..at least I’ve had my fill of egg nog (gallons worth, seriously!) before I get the news!

*****

I rolled my ankle and fell again today. 😦 Hubs and I were walking some groceries into the apartment and I bit it as I crossed a small patch of snow to the sidewalk. WTF?!?!? I twisted my body and landed on the snow on my side, but it scared me again and I’ve got new bruises and my right ankle is swollen and blue again. (I felt them bumping a little bit after lunch so that made me feel better.) I guess that old saying that pregnant women lose their sense of balance/have looser joints is not a myth. I have been so careful, but I guess I need to take it up a few more notches!

*****

Between the weird discharge, the stress and fatigue of traveling and being stuck away from home due to the snowstorm, I’m starting to see why many clinics encourage preggos not to travel past 24 weeks. I have one more trip to KC for a shower with my Mom’s girlfriends the first week in January and that’s the end of airports for me. I am obviously so very very excited for this shower and to be home with my family again (three times from Oct 31 to Jan 7, that’s totally a record for us!), but the honest truth is that nothing sounds worse to me at this moment than traveling again in 9 days. I pray we don’t get stuck again and that it goes a lot more smoothly than our recent trips to NYC and Philly!!

I didn’t run my 10th marathon on 10-10-10

And I couldn’t be happier about it. 🙂

Yesterday, on the awesome date of 10-10-10, 45,000 runners woke up at the crack of dawn and raced 26.2 miles in the Chicago Marathon. I watched the elite athletes race on TV. Even if you are not into running, if you want to see the most inspiring, chills-inducing finish EVER, please watch this AWESOME video that shows the last mile or so of the men’s race (they run so fast it’s only a few minutes long). I was literally yelping so loudly from the living room that hubs had to come in to see what all of the racket was about. I got to meet Sammy Wanjiru last year for work—he’s the guy in red—and I heart him!! (Weird coincidence, the day I interviewed him was also the day I popped my first-ever Clomid pill.)

For the past 15 months I have been so careful about not over-extending my body and that has meant no racing and no long distance runs. (Except for a race over Memorial Day weekend, right after I found out IUI/injects 1.0 was a bust and I was on bench month because of a cyst.) This has honestly been pretty tough for me because I guess you could say I have always fallen back on races as life-preservers to get me through hard spots. I signed up for my very first marathon when I was a few months out of college….hubs was working insane 100+ hour weeks in his i-banking job in NYC and I was feeling lonely and lost in a new city. Answer: Find a goal, connect with the running community, dedicate myself to training and feel good about myself during a rough time. (It worked!)

Of course I have done plenty of races just for the fun of it, but I have repeated that recipe throughout my life. When we moved to Chicago three major things happened within the span of one month….we were plopped into a new city, I started a new job, and we got married. Whew! My answer to the stress: train for and run the Chicago Marathon, of course!

During infertility treatment, training would’ve been a great coping mechanism for the hormones and stress I was putting myself through. Based on my hormone levels—and the fact that I was not underweight or low on body fat or anything like that—neither Dr. C, nor Dr. K, nor Dr. Awesome said running caused my anovulation (that may forever be a mystery), but they all agreed I should relax on it during treatment. Running was exactly the opposite of what my body (physically) needed. And we wanted a baby so very very very badly that there was NO QUESTION I would chill the heck out and let my body rest up.

So I stopped training for stuff cold turkey. And as for plain old exercise, I stopped running hard, and long, and I ran less often.

Over the past year I have fielded a lot of questions from coworkers and friends about what race I’m gearing up for next. When a big part of your identity is as an active, sporty, race-running person, I guess that’s what happens. It would hurt my heart every time I’d give my “Actually, I’m taking some time off and running for fun for the joy of running!” response.

It was the truth, but still.

I told my bosses we are pregnant on Thursday morning (!!!) and gave them the green light to tell people at work (I am much too shy for that!). So the news slowly trickled around most of the office by the end of the week.

I think it’s pretty awesome that I was given the gift of feeling comfortable enough to tell people right before the marathon.

Now when someone asks me, “Did you race this weekend?” I can say, “Nope. I am pregnant!” I am so lucky and so very very grateful to be where I am today.

Rookie ramblings

The wedding weekend in NYC was wonderful and a very, very nice distraction. I am now home and a whopping 12 days into the 2ww! 🙂 I DID end up jogging with my good friend over the weekend (who is incredibly dear to me but does not know about my IF because I seem to only be able to talk to you bloggies about it) and it felt awesome. I took it very EZ and drank lots and lots of water during the run and am fairly certain I didn’t thwart any potential implantation.

Speaking of implantation, I still have zero signs that we’re finally pregnant. On the night of 8DPO I *thought* I might’ve had a trace of that twinge-y lower abdomen stuff many women describe, but it only lasted one evening and, honestly, I was thinking about my uterus so intently that night that it’s more likely I either a) imagined it, or b) was so hyper-aware of my body that I noticed something that’s always there anyways.

And that, my friends, is it….so whatevs! I have zero desire to test early. I’ve decided folks who test early must have a strong suspicion that they’re knocked up so they’re really excited to see that BFP. Me? I’m still hoping for a miracle and praying for a symptom here or there, but mostly trying to prepare my psyche and heart for Wednesday morning’s result. (My clinic only does a Beta if you get a positive HPT; I need to go buy one.)

When in doubt, which is 97.7% of the time, I cling to this awesome post by Leslie as proof that—depsite what blog-land and message boards suggest—it IS definitely possible to be knocked up without any symptoms. Whatever happens, I will take the 2ww to being benched ANY TIME. Of COURSE I would be over the moon to have beginner’s luck, but simply living with the potential that our hopes and dreams could finally be realized has been truly amazing. A couple times I even daydreamed about what we might name our little one. I haven’t allowed myself to do that since last summer when I blissfully and naively thought the answer to my lack-of-period-woes was a 10-day dose of Provera. I have absolutely treasured these two weeks of feeling—for the first legit time—like we’ve had a shot at starting our little family.

Figuring more stuff out (kinda)

I mentioned that Dr. K doesn’t think my endurance exercise from 22-years-old to 30-years-old—10 marathons, almost four dozen half-marathons, one Half-Ironman, four Olympic-distance triathlons and too many 10Ks, 5Ks and Sprint triathlons to count—are responsible for my infertility. If they were, I’d have some red flags in my blood work. (Low estrogen, low LH and low testosterone.) And I don’t have them, except for the LH.

I told her I enjoy exercise and asked if she would give me some guidelines for a healthy amount of working out. If she had told me that it would be wise—even JUST IN CASE—to nix exercise, I would’ve gladly done it. I was so desperate to hear there was something else I could DO to help my chances, I would’ve given up my workouts. But she didn’t say that all. She said she doesn’t want me to stop exercising or doing so little I don’t get the benefits I enjoy—clearly for me it’s a stress reliever. That was encouraging!

This morning hubs and I jogged to the gym (about 1.25 miles) and then lifted for about 20 minutes and then jogged most of the way home (maybe 1 mile). The old Egg would’ve SCOFFED at that workout. I mean, really, I would’ve felt like I hadn’t even earned my breakfast. But I am totally cool with it these days. While we were jogging home, hubs asked if I felt like now I would get back into my old exercise routine (not training for anything, but running about 25-30 miles a week, plus Spinning/swimming/x-training and lifting) given that Dr. K doesn’t think exercise is remotely related to my fertility issues.

Honestly? No. I don’t have any desire to. I’m embracing this new way of working out. I’m excited about getting into yoga, which I’ve dabbled in over the past year. I’m enjoying running because I want to, because it feels good, because it makes me feel clear-headed and less-stressed and anxious. I’m learning that I do not have to run 6 miles to get those benefits. Sure, I miss my flat stomach and toned upper body….but I do not miss feeling guilty if I miss a day or getting so wrapped up in the intensity and sweat of exercising. Truthfully, if I want to be a little slimmer I can eat fewer cheeseburgers and cookies, I do not have to train for a half-marathon.

Now all of that said, I still struggle with this transition. I admit I did feel intense pangs of “I miss that soooo much” while I was following the Boston Marathon coverage on Monday. I am SO FAR from being in that kind of shape—or any racing shape—and it’s a difficult pill to swallow as races begin popping up around Chicago. An extra layer of complexity? Part of my job is covering racing/running/athletic–related news. So I cannot really escape that world. A couple of weeks ago a business contact emailed me about joining her team for an upcoming 10-mile race. I declined and recommended a couple other staffers who might be interested. She immediately emailed back: Are you pregnant? It kind of sucked. I turned bright red in my cube and felt like smashing a brutally rude reply into the keyboard. But I just said, No! Definitely not. We are traveling to so many weddings that I’ve decided not to train for any long distance races this summer.

I am SERIOUSLY considering feigning an injury—something I’ve never done!—to suppress more questions like hers. A lot of colleagues are already asking me if I’m training the Chicago Marathon this summer and my current bumbling response, “Maybe, I don’t know! I’m so burnt out on training so I’m not sure….” is literally inviting them to continue asking and asking. That—combined with the 10-15 pounds I’ve put on—is all a bit suspicious. I don’t want another person to ask me if I’m pregnant. I’ve taken to carrying Diet Cokes around the office.

The truth is, I’m comfortable with where I am, most of the time, and that’s what matters.

P.S.

I have been sort of wallowing in my own stagnation lately. My mind has wandered to dark, dark places. A lot of you sounded like you wanted to kick my as$ after my last post. I appreciate the candor and the thoughtful comments.

I think I should clarify a few things. 1) I am still running regularly and I enjoy it immensely. 2) I am proud of my athletic accomplishments. 3) Wondering if the endurance running/exercise triggered my anovulation is not me beating myself up. It is me searching for answers.

Many of you have, with your RE’s help, pinpointed why you can’t conceive: poor ovarian reserve, or hypothyroidism, or male factor, or fibroids, or endometriosis, or PCOS, or [insert totally sucky infertility issue here]. It all freaking sucks. All of it. Yet knowing WHY a woman can’t conceive has the small silver lining of presenting a targeted treatment plan. My diagnosis, like many women out there, is a little hazier. I have unexplained anovulation. My hormones are a little bit all over the place but nothing so wacky or out of the range of normal that it raises a red flag. (In fact, in my consult with Dr. K today, she said we are “literally shooting in the dark” with me. More on that in another post.)

And it’s my personality to wonder, why? Is there something I did to cause this, and if so, can I never do it again? I agree that life would be eaiser and I’d probably be taking this whole “infertile” thing a lot better if I could stop trying to understand why it’s happening—if I could simply accept that it “is what it is.” My friends, I wish it was as easy as turning off a switch.

This is who I am. I wonder. I obsess. I stress. It’s just….me. I’ve always been tightly wound. In middle school I used to be on the verge of vomiting the night before track meets because I would get so nervous. Once I actually started running on race day, everything was fine. It was the build-up. And the same is true as an adult. Before a job interview or big presentation at work I make myself sick with anxiety. When it’s finally time, I perform well. It’s just the waiting, the wondering, the dark possibility of failure. And so it goes with IF. When I’m actually DOING something (Googling, writing, taking supplements, going to acupuncture, scanning studies online, cycling, whatever), I feel more in control. It gives me a small sense of solace. I have been benched for six of the past eight months, so I’ve had a lot of time to think and worry.

I realize that all of this stressing and wondering and worrying is counterproductive. I know that if I could JUST RELAX it would boost my chances of conception. All I can say is that I’m working on it. It’s a daily process. I have been talking to an IF counselor. I asked for a package of yoga classes for my birthday. I told hubs he could tell his Mom about our IF problems. Just this week I began turning down freelance projects to focus on recharging and having fun on the weekends. I booked a spa trip with my Mom. I recognize that my quest to know WHY may not be as important as I sometimes wish it were. And I’m trying to do positive, Zen-ish things for myself, because I know that mellowness can only help me at this point.

Okay, this is my space and I know I can say what I want to, but I felt I should give you bloggies some background on my last post since the comments were especially, um, poignant for me.