35 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I felt safe moving more than a centimeter every few seconds, I’d be doing a ridiculous happy dance right now! YIP YIP YIP!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 Great job, sweet little babies! Great job, ute! Great job, cervie!

I feel like labor has to be very imminent. I am having a ton of snotty discharge, which is what happened when I went from 1cm to 3cm. And Baby A is giving me all sorts of crazy pelvic pressure. Most of the time I just can’t believe they are still in there, safely and happily hanging out and growing and getting bigger and stronger as my cervix opens up. I know this sounds crazy, but I worry about Baby A just popping out….I know, I’m nuts.

Bedrest is still my norm, though I have taken Dr. Zen’s advice and made one mellow outing each day since Monday. On Tuesday, hubs’s MIL flew in from out of town and the three of us went out to dinner. On Wednesday evening, she drove me to the salon for a haircut. Yesterday morning, she drove me to the dermatologist. IT WAS AMAZING TO BE OUTSIDE! Of course I always go right back to horizontal position as soon as I get home and the furthest I (slooooooowly) walked was from a curb to a chair at each outing. But still, it was awesome. She also did a ton of errands for us, which was so kind and has made me feel so much more “together” (Costco, Target, various returns I haven’t been able to do, etc). We are so lucky to have such wonderful Moms—I only wish they lived here instead of having to take plane trips to visit!

I know my updates are super-boring these days, and I’m sorry bloggies!! But this is my life, this is what consumes me: One more day, one more day, one more day.

Another Monday, another OB appt

But this was a good one! At 34w3d, I’m still 3cm dilated (and 100% effaced). I’ve had a lot of snotty discharge and pelvic pressure since Thursday’s appointments, so I was tooooooooooooootally shocked to hear my cervix has hung in there at 3cm. THANK YOU LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know from doing research online and reading blogs that it’s HIGHLY likely babies born before 36 weeks will need a good amount of NICU time, but we have come so far from Valentine’s Day. I am so so so grateful. Keep growing big and strong in there, sweet little babies.

Dr. Zen also said that at this point my bedrest restrictions are lifted. WHAT!!??? I feel like we’ve got a good thing going here….me progressing and then hanging out for a bit, the babies staying put, minimal contractions, etc (no jinxies!). She says there is nothing I can do to stop or start labor at this point. If it’s going to happen, it’ll happen whether or not I’m horizontal on my couch.

She could see I was pretty freaked out by the idea of messing with bedrest and said to do whatever makes me comfortable. But she did encourage me to leave the house for one outing a day. I have only left the apartment for OB appointments this month. It feels so weird to have permission to GO SOMEWHERE. I mean, I don’t even go to the other end of the apartment unless I need food or a shower…..(Now that I’m reflecting on this I wonder if they want you to get up to help out your muscle tone etc, so you’re not a total limp dishrag for birth?)

I don’t think I’ll actually change anything, to be honest, but it feels pretty freaking AWESOME to not feel sick and helpless for the first time in a long time.

We love you so so so so so so so so much, Baby A and Baby B. Stay put in there!!! We can’t wait to meet you, but you have more growing and developing to do! Stay strong, cervie! Stay chill, ute! One more day, one more day, one more day.

Still here

I had another OB check-up today, because of Monday’s drama. My cervie is managing to hold steady at 3cm, with no length. Thank you cervie, thank you babies! And thank you ute, for not contracting much the past few days! It was SUCH A RELIEF.

I’d noticed the crazy bulge I have on my right upper quadrant (aka Baby B) had felt different over the past couple of days and maybe was more focused along my right side. Turns out Baby B has moved into head-down position. Which is funny because hubs and I gave up on telling her to do that about six weeks ago. Of course a million different complications may mean that I’ll have a c-section, but for right now, vag-delivery still looks possible.

Baby A has always been head-down, but he’s super-duper vertex these days—bumping up against my cervie, totally engaged in my pelvis and ready to go. And, oh boy, I can tell, I have so much pelvic pressure! It’s hard to feel him in this position, actually, which has been wigging me out a little bit. But he fortunately gets the hiccups a couple of times a day so I know he’s there, doing okay.

My blood pressure was really high again. (I get SO hyped up for appointments nowadays.) But they let me go home since it wasn’t as bad as Monday and I’d just been screened for pre-e while at the hospital. But now I have to start taking my blood pressure at home at least 3x/day.

My one more day mantra is in FULL FORCE right now. One more day, one more day, one more day. If we can make it through today, we will be at 34 weeks. 10 hours to go….

On borrowed time?

I’m 33w3d today. And at my weekly Monday morning OB appointment, they discovered that I’m now 3cm dilated, with a super soft cervix, and still totally effaced. And with a crazy high blood pressure level (150/100) thrown in for good measure. With stats like that, I was sent directly to triage at L&D.

I really thought this was IT. I thought I’d be in labor right now. The wonderful, amazing, thank-you-lord news is that I’m not contracting, my cervix hasn’t changed since this morning, and the babies heart rates looked good. Oh, and my blood pressure totally chilled out at triage and the bloodwork and urine analysis for pre-eclampsia came back negative. PHEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Of course, we so very badly want these sweet babies to stay put longer. Everyone—hubs, me and the doctors—are hoping and praying for 34 weeks (Friday). That seems soooooooooooooooooooooooo far away. Can I really hang on with a soft, “ripe,” 3cm dilated, 0cm length cervix for another four days?! According to the doctors, YES. I could go today, tomorrow or in a week. No one knows, so my job is to chillax and eat and hydrate and monitor myself for an uptick in contrax, water breaking, all of that stuff.

I feel like a bit of a ticking time bomb, on borrowed time. I don’t know how long my cervix can hang on, but gosh darnit, we aren’t giving up! Baby A, Baby B, cervie, ute, hubs and I are all going to give it our very best and try to eke out another day. Because everything was pretty chill during my day in triage, I was discharged and I’m back home on bedrest.

We love you so much, Baby A and Baby B. Whenever you need to come into the world, we are 100% okay with it and we will take care of you and give you the very best doctors and NICU possible.

33 weeks!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, my gosh: I am still here. 33 weeks. Thank you lord!

The contrax were pretty bad on Tuesday night….not painful, but scary because there were more than usual. Two thoughts kept running through my mind….either I am a) going into labor (FRACK!), or b) dilating like crazy (FRACK!). If it had gotten much worse I would’ve called the OB, but fortunately hubs rubbed my back, got me a big glass of water, and we watched my favorite bedrest show, Anthony Bordain’s No Reservations on the Travel Channel, until I was tired enough to fall asleep through the worry. They were bad again on Wednesday night but fortunately not as bad Tuesday night. And last night they were fine. (No jinxies!) If (if if if if if!!!) I can make it to my OB appointment on Monday, I am very fearful of what kind of damage (aka: dilation) those contrax have created. Eeeeeeeeeek. [Side note: Dr. Zen said contractions are more common at night—which is definitely when I get most of mine, between 7 and midnight—something about circadian rhythms, have others experienced this?]

But, I am still here! Thank you lord.

My Mom has been in town the past couple of days. We had to lay some very serious ground rules: NO TALKING ABOUT MY CERVIE OR UTE. Fortunately, she has not made the comments I feared she would. She did talk a fair amount about how QUICKLY all four of us kids came into the world….3 hours max from the start of labor. I admit it elevated my heart rate hearing about that and I think crazy thoughts like, Oh my gosh, what if I don’t realize it’s labor soon enough and I have the babies at home, they are too tiny to not have doctors helping them. I am so incredibly hyper-alert of every tensing, aching, contracting sensation—each one I experience is a little lesson in managing my fears. Zen zen zen zen.

I am working full-time from home via my laptop, but it’s been awesome having my Mom in the house with me. Boy do the days go by faster when I’m not totally isolated! She has also been working herself to the bone around the apartment, taking on all of the nesting projects I didn’t get to: cleaning out the drawers and cabinets in our kitchen and putting in new liners, putting up art in our hallway, hanging up art in the babies’ room, organizing all of the babies’ clothes and gear into dressers and drawers and bins. She finds new projects to delve into on her own….last night she cleaned up all of the dead leaves and winter muck off of our front porch! She also has done about a dozen loads of laundry. She is such a good egg and I am so appreciative of her help! 🙂

I am so so so so so grateful and happy to be 33 weeks. Thank you cervie, thank you ute, thank you sweet Baby A and Baby B. You are all doing SUCH an awesome job. Thank you lord, for letting us make it this far. Today is all I can think about. One more day, one more day, one more day.

Hanging in

We had a GREAT appointment this morning.

• My cervix is still totally effaced, but Dr. Zen said maybe she could feel a tiny bit of length. I will TAKE IT!
• My cervix is still a “loose 1cm.” It doesn’t get any better than “no change” at this point. Yip yip yip!
• We had a growth scan and Baby A is measure 4 pounds 5 ounces and Baby B is 4 pounds 4 ounces. Baby A’s head is waaaaaaay low. Like, so low that the tech was pressing the u/s probe well below my pubic bone. Yikes! No wonder I feel a ton of pressure even laying around on bedrest.
• I talk to the babies a lot lately. I have been telling Baby A all day that he needs to stay chill and not bump up against my cervie. And then I tell Baby B not to kick her brother and push him down any more. We need the babies to stay chill. Hubs keeps reminding them that they are getting awesome food in utero (homemade Sheperd’s Pie, chili, burgers, shakes, etc.) and that they won’t eat this well again for years….so they should stay put and really enjoy it while they can!
• The tech said that she could see Baby A practicing his breathing. Awesome job, sweet little guy!
• I gained 2 pounds in the past week so I am back up to my weight 3 weeks ago, or 28 pounds total. I continue to eat protein and milkshakes like it’s my job. Because, seriously, it is.
• My blood pressure was a little high. It almost got me sent to L&D for a pre-eclampsia work-up. They checked it several times…ay yi yi. Fortunately Dr. Zen chalked it up to my nerves about the cervix check, but I heard her telling the nurse we need to keep an eye on it.
• This is a little embarrassing, but I had to fill out a depression screening form today and Dr. Zen kept telling me I need be calm. I think the midwife who checked me last week must’ve written “This patient is crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” on my chart last week. I explained to her, and to Dr. Zen again today, that I am not depressed. I am just scared! And when I am scared, I get teary-eyed. I love my babies so much and want them to have the best start in life possible. I am doing better at managing my fears and emotions…every day we make it is a major boost to my heart and psyche.
• I downloaded some meditations on iTunes last week and have been listening to them every other day. And I am avoiding bad karma in every way I possibly can. (Including deleting the mean anon comment I got over the weekend. I 200% get it: I am totally and completely lucky to be pregnant, even if I am at severe risk of delivering preemie babies who will be in the NICU for weeks or months. If it bugs you to read what’s up with me, please don’t visit my blog!)

I think that’s it. I am very happy to be where I am today. Thank you lord, for our sweet babies and for letting us come this far. I continue my mantra: One more day, one more day, one more day. All I can do is think about today. Today today today. We love you so much sweet litte Baby A and Baby B.

31w2d

Bed rest would be a million times easier if it weren’t for the weepiness and fear that accompanies it.

I have ordered a couple of books on preemie care and NICU survival off Amazon. I have a cart filled with preemie clothes at preemieoutlet.com. I’ve talked to a coworker and work acquantaince who had their babies at 32 and 33 weeks. I am trying to find peace within the storm of emotions I’m feeling all the time.

It is really hard to read pregnancy blogs, again. All of the women celebrating 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 weeks….all of the women bemoaning that they are still pregnant at 38 or 39 or 40 weeks. It’s too hard to read. Like an IFer riding the bench with a cyst, I would give anything to be in their  shoes. You’d think because I’ve had so much practice with fear and jealousy, I would be good at by now. But it turns out it doesn’t get any easier. (P.S. You know how much I love all of you guys, I’m just so emotional right now!)

It is also really hard to think about my early pregnancy. I have all of these memories of when we first found out we were pregnant….the feeling of them kicking me while I would swim laps every weekend…..the music we were listening to in the car as we drove to Cannon Beach the day we found out that we had two babies on the way….the huge box of cute maternity clothes my friend just sent from Austin that I won’t ever wear since I’m no longer going to work….the nursery with all of its unfinished projects strewn about…..even the freaking meditations that have gotten me through so many anxious times. All of these memories and reminders of earlier milestones make me weepy and seem like such carefree, easy times in retrospect (ha! yes, I am fully aware of the irony of this).

No one really knows what to say. Well-meaning coworkers say things like, “Rest up and recover this weekend and we’ll see you next week!” or “Enjoy watching movies all day!” My Mom says things like, “But now that you’re on bedrest everything will go back to how it’s supposed to be with your cervix, right?” And, “Ohhh, well, if you’re having contractions at home then you’ve definitely dilated a lot more,” and “When does the doctor say the babies are going to be born?” and “I only had 3 hours of labor with all four of you kids—you need to tell your doctors that, they shouldn’t have let you come home.” And the random woman I interviewed for a work story says, “Do you feel responsible for this?”

Sheesh!!!!!! (Hubs always knows exactly what to say, thank the lord. So do AplusB and her hubs, who visited us yesterday with lunch. That was, literally, the world’s biggest boost to my psyche. Good good eggs, those two!!!)

Positive note: Because I am laying down pretty much all of the time, I get to feel the babies bumping around pretty much all of the time. 🙂 I think I spent so much time running around at work, running around at home, running errands….I never got allllllllll of this time to experience how amazing it is to feel sweet Baby A and Baby B inside of me. I treasure it. We love these sweet little babies so very very very much. I pray that they are growing big and strong in there and that my body can just keep holding on….

Surviving today with the babies inside of me is all I can think about.

Zen zen zen zen zen zen zen zen

Greetings from Ante Partum. I was sent to Labor & Delivery at 8:30am yesterday morning, because my routine biweekly checkup with Dr. Zen turned out to be not so routine. All was going well until the cervie check. She pulled her hand out and said, “Well, my dear, your cervix has changed considerably since I last saw you. You’re 100% effaced [no length left] and 1.5cm dilated.” Then she hugged me and told me she was sending me to L&D for steroids for the babies’ lungs and to monitor my cervix and contractions (which I could not feel AT ALL) and to determine if I was in active labor.

Fast-forward through the scariest day of my entire life. I don’t even want to get into it the dark places I have been mentally and emotionally. On the upside, the care here is absolutely awesome: I have been ultrasound-ed, my cervix has been checked so many times that I’m leaking blood, I’ve gotten one steroid injection for the babies’ lungs, I’m on an IV for hydration, I’ve taken multiple rounds of blood pressure meds to relax my uterus, I’ve met the NICU doctor to learn about the potential issues in 30-week babies (shudder), I’ve signed the paperwork for an epidural, I’ve met with seven nurses, a triage doc, the anesthesiologist, a couple of residents and one of Dr. Zen’s partners…..and on and on and on. Today will hold more of the same!

The (really really really) good news is that last night I was cleared to eat (yip!) and got moved up to Ante Partum from L&D. My cervix has not worsened since I got here (please please please no jinxies) and also the contractions (which, yes, I now know what they feel like) have mellowed from every 90 seconds to every 5 to 7 minutes. They have taken me off the fetal and contraction monitors so it’s up to me to alert someone if the contrax become more frequent or painful.

I haven’t been able to sleep more than maybe an hour or two hour total, even though I’m no longer on the uncomfie fetal and contraction monitors. It is so hard to quiet my whirring mind. And I find myself crying every couple of hours…with overwhelming fear and love for our sweet little babies. I know that’s not good for me or them so I try hard to breathe through the tough spells. Hubs had to go home last night after our romantic V-day dinner (haha)—he has a major academic deadline this week so the timing is pretty much the worst for him—but he will be back here at some point today (working away) and I know that just having in my room will help. He is definitely my rock. I miss him!

So now we watch and wait and hope and pray and hope and pray and hope and pray that the contrax continue to chillax, and that my cervie stays strong. (It can’t stay long, there’s nothing left of it!)

Please pray for our sweet little babies. It is too early for them to come out into the world, they are so tiny and have so much left to do before we meet them. I am so grateful they were able to at least get an extra day inside of me and that they are getting these amazing steroids. Every day is so very important to their survival and health in the real world.

Zen zen zen zen zen zen zen zen.