Confessions

Tons of random ramblings at 9-weeks-old….

• It’s dangerous for me to go to the baby section at Target….everything is so cheap so I go a little too crazy! Can’t resist sundresses for Honey and polo onesies for Champ.
• I remember when I was on bedrest, a lot of folks IRL and in blog comments told me the worrying never ever ends when you have kids. This is definitely true, but I must say that the relief that the babies made it into the world safe and sound still has not worn off. I do not miss the intense anxiety of pregnancy one bit.
• Whenever someone asks me the babies’ birth weights, I tend to add a disclaimer along these lines: “But I ate a ton of cheeseburgers and sheperd’s pie and milk shakes and protein during pregnancy!” I need to let it go.
• Even though I was anxious most of the time, I loved every moment of being pregnant. I was pretty worried I’d get the baby blues after birth, but I didn’t. I think being so grateful to be able to walk around and do chores and lift things again took the edge off (since I’d been on bedrest for weeks).
• I’ve been getting phantom kicks since the babies came out.
• The babies are tiny celebrities whenever I take them out. People go crazy for twins. They deserve the attention, sweet sweet things!!!!!
• I’m still amazed and grateful and over the moon happy that I can breastfeed. I was so so so so so worried I wouldn’t be able to.
• I love bonding with the babies while nursing, and I love providing nutritious breast milk for them, but pumping all of the time takes. a. toll.
• Plus, I miss my small boobs. They never grew or got sore during pregnancy, then BAM, right after giving birth, they arrived. I can’t fit into any of my button-up shirts or old tops.
• But it is pretty cool that hubs mentions how “awesome” my boobs are at least once a day. 🙂 I have a serious rack, it’s out of control.
• Even though we’re NOWHERE close to thinking about more kids, I do hope and pray that my cycle/period magically comes back when I stop breastfeeding. I want it to work again. (Pregnancy has been shown to “re-set” the body in some anovulatory women.) I think about that way too much.
• Even though I’m BFing AND I’m anovulatory, hubs and I are using condoms just to be really really really safe. It seems so strange to use protection, considering the lengths we went to for our babies.
• Condoms suck.
• I REFUSE TO GO BACK ON THE PILL. I still blame it for my anovulation.
• I wish I was skinny for my college reunion this weekend. I know that’s totally vain, and I just had twins, and yada yada….but I just don’t feel comfie in my bod right now. I have these huge boobs, a mushy tummy, a soft jawline…it’s okay, it’s just hard to be on display, if that makes sense? OF COURSE our babies are 200% worth it.
• Even though I miss my pre-IF figure, I will say that breastfeeding burns a ton of calories. I’m almost at my pre-pregnancy weight—which is insane considering the amount I eat these days—everything just seems to be situated totally differently.
• I’m running (shuffling) a few times a week, too. I sent an excited text to my little sister last week that I was up to running for 33 minutes straight and she wrote back, “Only that long, are you injured?” Uhhhhhhh, thanks? She doesn’t get that even though I’m “a runner,” you can’t take this much time off, give birth, and then have the muscle strength or fitness to bang out a five-miler. Kids!
• I picked up the babies’ birth certificates downtown yesterday afternoon and tears welled up when I saw their names on those official documents and after signing for them as “Mother.” Wow wow  wow. It will never ever get old, I am in awe of my amazing luck and life.

I think that’s enough random-ness for one night! xoxo

Home again home again, jiggity jig

I survived the wedding weekend and the 40 hours away from Champ and Honey and hubs! It ended up being really fun, and I am SO HAPPY I was able to be there to support my friend and watch her take this huge step of marriage in her life. I did miss the babies constantly and I called/texted/emailed hubs a dozen times to check on them. I brought one of Champ’s swaddle blankets with me and cuddled up with it on the plane rides and at night so I could smell their sweet baby smell while I was away. And anytime a wedding guest asked if I had pics of the babies, I whipped out my phone and showed them a few of the three hundred pics I have saved on there of the babies. 🙂 Their ears must’ve been ringing alllllllll weekend long.

I realized that it’s been FOREVER since I was truly in a social setting. Hubs and I went out to dinner on February 13 (his brother was visiting) and then the next morning the pre-term labor stuff happened and I was put on bedrest for five weeks, and then the babies came and I’ve been a hermit who only leaves to take walks, etc. Of course we’ve had friends over to visit, and we went out to dinner on my bday last month, but I haven’t been ACTIVELY social in about three months. I walk around the hourse in my lulu pants and glasses. I live on coffee and granola bars. It felt like I was being released into the wild! A blow out! Make-up! Pictures! Dancing! Small talk with six other bridesmaids! Cocktail hour! A sit-down dinner! A seven-hour long wedding reception in which to meet new people and catch up with old friends!

I felt like I went from being a hermit to a social butterfly. It was crazy and overwhelming but actually completely wonderful.

And OH MY GOSH was it amaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing to walk in our apartment door yesterday afternoon and to find my chubby babies waiting there. I felt like my heart was going to burst. We spent the ENTIRE afternoon snuggling and cuddling together in my bed. 🙂

I’m glad I got the social rust off, as we are heading to our 10-year college reunion in a couple of weeks. AHHHHHH!!!!! I reserve the right to change my mind, but the current plan is for all four of us to fly (!!!) to the East coast and set the babies up with hubs’s parents and spend the first night at their house. Then hubs and I will head to campus for a day and night sans babies. Then hubs’s parents will bring the babies up to campus on Saturday so we can introduce them to our friends. I actually ordered Honey a dress and Champ a polo shirt in our school colors, so I think this is really and truly happening.

If you had told me, when they were born at under 5 pounds, that we would be able to (physcially and emotionally!) take them on a plane trip at 10-weeks old and introduce them to our best college friends, I would’ve thought you were crazy. But their ped has given them 110% clearance to travel. And I think it’s going to happen….

So yeah, basically I have two weeks to try to get my body in a place I feel good about. Honestly? I just don’t have the time or energy to exercise and lift like I need to in order to get my figure back. And I eat even more these days (breastfeeding makes me super hungry) than when I was pregnant. It’s not a good time to diet. (Of course, I don’t really need ice cream at night, but that’s another story!) Being a couple months postpartum and seeing tons of peeps you haven’t seen in 10 years = not ideal timing. I’m going to do a post on recovery from bedrest and birth + exercise + eating, etc at another time. But these babies are (of course!!!!) worth this soft body with its ginormous boobs!!!

Quickie update

Hi bloggies! Thank you so much for the beautiful messages on my last post. 🙂 I started a birth story post while I was in the hospital, so that’s coming soon. In the meantime, here’s a quick update filled with tons of randomness….

• I did a vaginal birth for both babies. It was fast and furious (details to come). I always wondered which was harder/more painful, labor or a marathon. The answer? LABOR!
• The babies were born teenie tiny (4 pounds 11 ounces and 4 pounds 10 ounces)—despite my intense efforts to eat tons of protein, milkshakes, burgers, Sheperd’s Pie, etc etc etc, throughout pregnancy—but super healthy. From birth, their breathing and suck/swallow reflexes = perfect.
• Because they are tiny champs and we are insanely lucky, they never had to go to the NICU! We spent Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday cuddling them, staring at them, taking pictures of them, and feeding them in our hospital room.
• I am in love, love, LOVE with these sweet little babies. Just thinking about them makes my heart almost burst with love. We are so blessed!
• Char.lie developed borderline jaundice on our last day in the hospital. His levels stabilized with some phototherapy so he was cleared to go home with at-home bili blanket. We soooo miss cuddling with him and getting skin-to-skin QT whenever we feel like it, but it’s for his own good!
• I never ever imagined we’d get to bring both babies home with us. But the four of us left the hospital on Wednesday evening. I was shaking I was so happy. It makes me teary thinking about it now!
• We had our first pediatrician appointment yesterday morning. We loooove our doctor, she had awesome feeding tips for us and was very efficient and thorough.
• Unfort, Char.lie’s bili levels went up a bit. So hubs is taking him back for another blood test today. If his bilirubin level rises again, he’ll probably have to be readmitted to the hospital for more intense phototherapy. We would miss him so much! But we really want to nix this jaundice thing, so whatever is best for him.
• I think my milk is starting to come in (yay body!!!!!), and I am so happy that I can start giving them breast milk in lieu of formula for some feeds. The babies haven’t been able to breast feed more than 5 minutes at a time. Because it, a) burns too many calories to eat that way, and, b) because tiny amounts of colostrum/early breast milk won’t do them any weight gain favors at this point—they’re so little that they cannot tolerate losing weight like most term babies can.
• Lu.cy sleeps like a rock in between feeds during the day. Because she is seriously NOCTURNAL! Come nighttime (her witching hour is about 10pm), she is inconsolable unless she’s in our arms. It’s absolutely adorable and wonderful to placate her with serious snuggle time, but it means we haven’t had much luck catching Zzzs.
• I’ve only slept a few hours since we got home on Wednesday. I’m going on pure love and adrenaline. I have never ever ever been happier than I am right now. We love our sweet little babies so so so much!

33 weeks!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, my gosh: I am still here. 33 weeks. Thank you lord!

The contrax were pretty bad on Tuesday night….not painful, but scary because there were more than usual. Two thoughts kept running through my mind….either I am a) going into labor (FRACK!), or b) dilating like crazy (FRACK!). If it had gotten much worse I would’ve called the OB, but fortunately hubs rubbed my back, got me a big glass of water, and we watched my favorite bedrest show, Anthony Bordain’s No Reservations on the Travel Channel, until I was tired enough to fall asleep through the worry. They were bad again on Wednesday night but fortunately not as bad Tuesday night. And last night they were fine. (No jinxies!) If (if if if if if!!!) I can make it to my OB appointment on Monday, I am very fearful of what kind of damage (aka: dilation) those contrax have created. Eeeeeeeeeek. [Side note: Dr. Zen said contractions are more common at night—which is definitely when I get most of mine, between 7 and midnight—something about circadian rhythms, have others experienced this?]

But, I am still here! Thank you lord.

My Mom has been in town the past couple of days. We had to lay some very serious ground rules: NO TALKING ABOUT MY CERVIE OR UTE. Fortunately, she has not made the comments I feared she would. She did talk a fair amount about how QUICKLY all four of us kids came into the world….3 hours max from the start of labor. I admit it elevated my heart rate hearing about that and I think crazy thoughts like, Oh my gosh, what if I don’t realize it’s labor soon enough and I have the babies at home, they are too tiny to not have doctors helping them. I am so incredibly hyper-alert of every tensing, aching, contracting sensation—each one I experience is a little lesson in managing my fears. Zen zen zen zen.

I am working full-time from home via my laptop, but it’s been awesome having my Mom in the house with me. Boy do the days go by faster when I’m not totally isolated! She has also been working herself to the bone around the apartment, taking on all of the nesting projects I didn’t get to: cleaning out the drawers and cabinets in our kitchen and putting in new liners, putting up art in our hallway, hanging up art in the babies’ room, organizing all of the babies’ clothes and gear into dressers and drawers and bins. She finds new projects to delve into on her own….last night she cleaned up all of the dead leaves and winter muck off of our front porch! She also has done about a dozen loads of laundry. She is such a good egg and I am so appreciative of her help! 🙂

I am so so so so so grateful and happy to be 33 weeks. Thank you cervie, thank you ute, thank you sweet Baby A and Baby B. You are all doing SUCH an awesome job. Thank you lord, for letting us make it this far. Today is all I can think about. One more day, one more day, one more day.

31w2d

Bed rest would be a million times easier if it weren’t for the weepiness and fear that accompanies it.

I have ordered a couple of books on preemie care and NICU survival off Amazon. I have a cart filled with preemie clothes at preemieoutlet.com. I’ve talked to a coworker and work acquantaince who had their babies at 32 and 33 weeks. I am trying to find peace within the storm of emotions I’m feeling all the time.

It is really hard to read pregnancy blogs, again. All of the women celebrating 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 weeks….all of the women bemoaning that they are still pregnant at 38 or 39 or 40 weeks. It’s too hard to read. Like an IFer riding the bench with a cyst, I would give anything to be in their  shoes. You’d think because I’ve had so much practice with fear and jealousy, I would be good at by now. But it turns out it doesn’t get any easier. (P.S. You know how much I love all of you guys, I’m just so emotional right now!)

It is also really hard to think about my early pregnancy. I have all of these memories of when we first found out we were pregnant….the feeling of them kicking me while I would swim laps every weekend…..the music we were listening to in the car as we drove to Cannon Beach the day we found out that we had two babies on the way….the huge box of cute maternity clothes my friend just sent from Austin that I won’t ever wear since I’m no longer going to work….the nursery with all of its unfinished projects strewn about…..even the freaking meditations that have gotten me through so many anxious times. All of these memories and reminders of earlier milestones make me weepy and seem like such carefree, easy times in retrospect (ha! yes, I am fully aware of the irony of this).

No one really knows what to say. Well-meaning coworkers say things like, “Rest up and recover this weekend and we’ll see you next week!” or “Enjoy watching movies all day!” My Mom says things like, “But now that you’re on bedrest everything will go back to how it’s supposed to be with your cervix, right?” And, “Ohhh, well, if you’re having contractions at home then you’ve definitely dilated a lot more,” and “When does the doctor say the babies are going to be born?” and “I only had 3 hours of labor with all four of you kids—you need to tell your doctors that, they shouldn’t have let you come home.” And the random woman I interviewed for a work story says, “Do you feel responsible for this?”

Sheesh!!!!!! (Hubs always knows exactly what to say, thank the lord. So do AplusB and her hubs, who visited us yesterday with lunch. That was, literally, the world’s biggest boost to my psyche. Good good eggs, those two!!!)

Positive note: Because I am laying down pretty much all of the time, I get to feel the babies bumping around pretty much all of the time. 🙂 I think I spent so much time running around at work, running around at home, running errands….I never got allllllllll of this time to experience how amazing it is to feel sweet Baby A and Baby B inside of me. I treasure it. We love these sweet little babies so very very very much. I pray that they are growing big and strong in there and that my body can just keep holding on….

Surviving today with the babies inside of me is all I can think about.

Recovering

{@ Pixo}

That bed looks so good to me right now! 🙂

Hubs and I have had a whirlwind fall and winter. It began with a trip home to KC at the end of October. The next weekend hubs’s brother and his brother’s wife came to visit. Then there was another trip home for Thanksgiving. Followed by a trip to NYC for a college friend’s wedding (and a lengthier-than-planned stay thanks to a snow storm in Chicago that made it impossible to get home). Then we had Christmas in Philly with hubs’s fam (and another blizzard on the east coast meant another longer-than-planned stay and a road trip down to DC to be able to fly home). Then it was back to KC the first weekend in January for the baby shower with my Mom’s girlfriends. And finally this weekend, I had a baby shower with my best girlfriends in Chicago. We had five guests in town…my bestie from college, my little sister, hubs’s little sister, and hubs’s brother and wife.

WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t misunderstand, it has been SO AWESOME getting to see so much of our friends and family. I feel closer than ever to everyone in my life….and after being a hermit for more than a year thanks to the darkness that is IF, it feels really really good to feel practically like my old self again—in my relationships and general mood. The shower on Saturday was so fun…..most of my very best girlfriends, all in one room, showering our sweet Baby A and Baby B with love and gifts and support. It was wonderful. Lucky me, lucky babies!!!!!!

But, I must admit that I am somewhat exhausted. I was tired to my BONES for most of the weekend. (And sick, I have a legit cold! Wah wah wah.) These trips  and visits from out-of-towners have been AMAAAAAAAAAAAZING, but I am so so so so so so so so ready for a more chillaxed lifestyle that doesn’t involve airports, entertaining guests, going out to dinner every night and staying up talking with friends and family past midnight. When there are people to entertain or catch up with, I am really bad at going to bed when my body wants to, saying no to outings, and sitting down….!

It’s time for me to take it down a notch. Time for me to stop working so freaking late, to go to bed earlier, to cook in more, and to generally take it easier. We are not taking any more trips. We have no more visits from guests in the works. Time for me to CHILL!

I have a 27(ish) week check-up at the OB tomorrow. I hope and pray that everything looks great with the babies and that their little hearts are beating away and that they’ve grown bigger and stronger. Because I’ve been totally out of my routine and on my feet so much the past few days, I haven’t noticed much movement. And now that I’m back at work after the long weekend (and thus on my feet most of the day), I know I won’t get many chances during the day to feel the kicks that I love so very much. Plus, you guys know me….I get hyped-up for ever appointment. Hopefully the babies will bump around and give me some much-needed reassurance when I relax after din tonight….we may have to cook up some homemade pizza, which they seem to love just as much as I do. 🙂

Lucky babies, lucky me

Oh my gosh, you guys, I had the best weekend. Hubs and I went home for a shower with my Mom’s best girlfriends. My older brother’s wife flew in from Boston for the party. (My bro was supposed to be there, too, but he got stuck at work. Poor guy, we missed him so much.) My little sister and little bro were there. My Dad was there. Our family nanny who began caring for my sibs and me when I was 9 years old was there. I felt so loved and supported by my family and our family friends. I feel grateful every single day to be where I am. Thank you SO much Dr. Awesome, and thank you lord, for bringing us to this point….we are so very very very lucky and we love these babies so much that it makes my heart practically burst!

The twinsies got a ton of awesome loot—lots of blankets and binkies and onesies…and even a few things off our registries, too! 🙂 And even though I am soooooooooo sooooooo (to the millionth degree) awkward in situations where I have to open presents on-the-spot or be the center of attention, I just repeated to myself that I was doing it on BEHALF of the babies. It was all about them!! It helped that my sister and SIL sat on either side of me on the couch, making me feel a tiny bit less in the spotlight.

My Mom is seriously Martha Stewart….all of the details she thought of were so special and beautiful and perfect. The invitations had little nests with two eggs inside with “boy” and “girl” written on the eggs. I loved them. LOVED them. And here are some pics from the actual shower/brunch!!

My Mom had my Dad tie the blue and pink bows onto the front gates of the house. She insisted that he tie the blue one on the left and the pink one on the right, because that’s where Baby A and Baby B are attached.

Everything was blue and pink! For example, vases holding pink roses with blue ribbons tied around them. There was a tiered serving platter holding cupcakes with pink frosting and blueberry muffins. There was awesome food, too—the same menu from our day-after-our-wedding brunch (croissants with sugar-coated strips of bacon inside, fresh yogurt with homemade granola and berries, frittata with a chipotle sauce on the side), plus lots of extra sweets.

Even the crystal pitchers holding sparkling water had a little Baby A and Baby B shout out inside—blueberries and raspberries.

My SIL packed a giant suitcase filled with favor-making materials, which she, my little sister and I all put together at about 11pm the night before: little nests with blue and pink confetti, blue egg-shaped soaps and pink lotion.

Did you make it this far? Then here’s a an unexpected sight for you (haha): my first-ever belly pic. That’s me after the shower, ready to take a seat (and a nap). 🙂 Grow, sweet little babies, grow!!!

Holiday happenings

A very belated HAPPY HOLIDAYS, bloggies! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, whatever you celebrate!!

I’ve been totally AWOL! First work was craaaaaaaaaaaaaazy before the holidays. Then we were in Philly for Christmas with hubs’s family and I forgot to pack my lappie’s power cord….so I had to ration my battery power to actually do work and not blog. (Sigh.) I read your posts from my phone but it’s impossible to comment that way so please forgive me for being behind in checking in with all of you! We got stuck in Philly with the crazy weekend snowstorm. (Ugh.) We ended up renting a car and driving down to DC yesterday because we couldn’t get a flight back to Chicago from Philly, all of the 12-hour trains from Philly to Chicago were full (!!) and we didn’t feel comfortable driving the 12 hours on winter highways….anyway, we finally made it home at midnight last night and I am so so so so so so happy to be here! Back to my comfie bed (no more fold-out couch!), my lovely Snoogle body pillow, my humidifier, my awesome shower with its amazing water pressure, my healthy breakfast options (no more bacon every morning!)….ahhhhhh, home, sweet home.

The babies got lot of loot this Christmas. 🙂 We got carseats and a travel crib from my parents. Hubs’s parents gave us a rocking chair for the nursery and some onesies. Hubs’s sister gave us a nursing pillow and stuffed animal and more onesies. Hubs’s brother gave us a flip video cam. And my sibs all went in together on a totally adorable night light for the nursery (above) that I would never have splurged on for myself but have been eyeing for 6 solid months.

Lucky us, lucky babies! And now for some random updates….

I am feeling good but big. I stopped jogging after the Turkey Trot with my fam over Thanksgiving and have been rotaing yoga DVDs, swimming and the elliptical a few times a week. Just getting to the gym is becoming more of an effort but it’s so worth it to get some exercise and feel like I’ve got a healthy routine in place. Hubs and I hit the gym a few times over the holidays and it not only felt good to move around, but it was also lovely to get some Zen, me time away from the house.

*****

Over the holiday weekend I had some discharge that freaked me out. It was more copious, yellow and a thicker consistency than the usual thin, white stuff I get. The next time I went to the bathroom there was some semi-solid discharge, about the size of a pea. Of course I used my phone to Google my findings and found scary stories about women losing their mucus plugs and going into premature labor. It was the day after Christmas and we were officially stuck with the snow so I opted not to call my doctor’s office, figuring they’d hear the fear in my voice and invite me into the office to get it checked out (which I couldn’t do). The discharge went right back to normal and I took it easy snuggling with hubs’s family’s dogs in front of the TV the rest of the weekend so I feel okay about it. But I’ll ask my OB about it when I go in for my growth scan next week. (Grow babies, groooooooow!)

*****

I also have my gestational diabetes test next week. Just this month my clinic eliminated the orange drink-blood test because they felt they were getting too many false positives. So they told me to scrap the orange glucose fluid they’d sent me home with in November and to come in for that 2nd test most folks only take if they fail the first one, after having fasted for 8 hours. I know twin Moms tend to develop gestational diabetes more often so we’ll see what happens…..at least I’ve had my fill of egg nog (gallons worth, seriously!) before I get the news!

*****

I rolled my ankle and fell again today. 😦 Hubs and I were walking some groceries into the apartment and I bit it as I crossed a small patch of snow to the sidewalk. WTF?!?!? I twisted my body and landed on the snow on my side, but it scared me again and I’ve got new bruises and my right ankle is swollen and blue again. (I felt them bumping a little bit after lunch so that made me feel better.) I guess that old saying that pregnant women lose their sense of balance/have looser joints is not a myth. I have been so careful, but I guess I need to take it up a few more notches!

*****

Between the weird discharge, the stress and fatigue of traveling and being stuck away from home due to the snowstorm, I’m starting to see why many clinics encourage preggos not to travel past 24 weeks. I have one more trip to KC for a shower with my Mom’s girlfriends the first week in January and that’s the end of airports for me. I am obviously so very very excited for this shower and to be home with my family again (three times from Oct 31 to Jan 7, that’s totally a record for us!), but the honest truth is that nothing sounds worse to me at this moment than traveling again in 9 days. I pray we don’t get stuck again and that it goes a lot more smoothly than our recent trips to NYC and Philly!!

Whirlwind

NYC was a wonderful distraction. We had a WHIRLWIND weekend—there is no other way to describe it—of seeing family and friends and eating amazing food and going to holiday parties and laughing til our stomachs hurt. 🙂 Some of my college girlfriends even got together and threw me a mini baby shower. They are awesome girls, I felt so loved and supported. And Baby A and Baby B received their first gender-specific onesies!!! Plus lots and lots of books (I have smart girlfriends, haha).

I think it was the very first wedding where I was stone cold sober (obviously) and I must say that was really fun! Wedding cake tastes extra, extra delicious when you can reallllllly taste it. The wedding was a college friend’s who is older than hubs and me, so most of the guests were friends who were a couple of years ahead of us at school…..there were lots of pregnant ladies and EVERY SINGLE COUPLE at our table had little kids at home. I felt so so so so so so lucky that we are where we are—22 weeks today and feeling so blessed and happy and in love with our twinsies—otherwise it could’ve been a really tough evening of hearing about pregnancy and babies. We were seated next to college friends who had twin boys two years ago. She had a realllllllly tough pregnancy and it definitely made me count my lucky stars that we have gotten so far with me feeling good (knock on wood). It was also helpful to talk to her about gear, etc.

I powered through until the after-party at 12:30am, when I finally had to get the heck out of dodge. Hubs walked me most of the way home through the drizzly cold night, and then I INSISTED that he let me finish the walk alone so he could go back and catch the end of the party with our friends. I had changed into my flats, but darnit if I still didn’t SPRAIN MY ANKLE and fall to the ground about a block after leaving hubs. Fortunately I landed on my side and the only casualties were my glasses (which were crushed on impact because they weren’t in a case because I slipped them into my tiny clutch), my knee, my elbow and, sadly, my ankle—which is swollen and blue. I was so terrified I’d hurt the babies that I didn’t even feel the aches and pains as I hobbled the last block home. Luckily, I felt a few gentle baby bumps as I settled into bed and my tum wasn’t involved in the fall. But still…..scary.

The only downside of the weekend was that we got stuck overnight  on Sunday thanks to the snow storm that swept through Chicago while we were away. But the major upside was that we got to spend even more time with family and friends and since we were staying on the fold-out couch at hubs’s brother’s apartment, we didn’t have to shell out for a hotel room or anything.

But, it is SO GOOD to be home. Where I can get up 5x a night without worrying about waking up hubs’s brother and wife. Where a cat is not pouncing on the bed (apparently I am NOT USED to cats during the night!) and freaking me out. Where our shower has amazing water pressure. Where we have a (new) humidifier in the bedroom to help with my chronic congestion. Ahhhhhhhhh, home sweet home. 🙂

Tomorrow is our big Level II ultrasound with the MFM. I am feeling somewhat anxious about this appointment (shocker, no?)…..mostly because I feel like every time you go under the microscope, so to speak, they can’t help but find something wrong. There really has to be something to the “ignorance is bliss” saying, you know? But I’m trying to see the upside and be “zen zen zen zen” about it all….that we get another opportunity to see our babies. That we get to meet an MFM and have her look EVERYTHING over (with me and the babies). Etc etc.

The truth is that I would really rather not do this. The anatomy scan ultrasound is long, uncomfortable and incredibly stressful. (They will be looking at both babies again, and even more intensely than last week.) But it must be done! C’mon babies, I know you are healthy and perfect. We love you so very very very much!!!! Zen zen zen zen.

Let’s do that again next week, shall we?

After tossing and turning all night and finally getting up for good by 5am because I couldn’t sleep, I am happy to report that I survived the anatomy scan! Yip! Everything is okay. I repeat, everything is okay. But we have to repeat the scan, this time at level 2, with an Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist (MFM) next Wednesday, because of a little spot on Baby B’s heart. I will explain more about that in a sec, but first, I am pleading with you to please please please NOT write comments like “Oh no!” and “I hope everything is okay.” Yes, I know I am putting this out there and any of you can say what she wants, but….please? I need positivity and reassurance right now sweet bloggies. The truth is that I am too weak and fragile to read worry in your words. Thank you in advance.

*****

So now for the drumroll news, the gender(s)……..

Baby A is a BOY!!!!!

And…………

Baby B is a GIRL!!!!!

We are so so so so lucky and blessed to be growing these sweet, beautiful, happy babies. 🙂 We love them so, so, so VERY much. I have said it before but the honest to goodness truth is we would be thrilled no matter what their genders. But it is SO FUN that we have one of each and now we can finally think about names and clothes and nursery decor. Yip yip yip!!!!!!!!!

The ultrasound took about 90 minutes-ish. The tech was very nice, but also very unemotional/poker faced, but she told us everything was checking out great. It was easy to see them moving around and being adorable and measuring ahead of sked at 21w6d when I am technically, based on IUI date, 20w4d. And they are both 13 ounces.

Our little boy’s placenta is posterior (on the back), while our little girl’s is anterior (in the front), which helps explain why I’m only getting gentle bumpity bumps at this point. (A placenta in the front can buffer the kicks and make them more difficult to feel.) The tech said now that I’m feeling things at night, it should really begin to pick up.

*****

So everything finished up fine and then we met with Dr. Zen for my 20-week check-up. I ask all of my Qs, she’s being great and Dr. Zen-ish, everything is going great, I’m practically floating off the exam table and my cheeks are flushed with with INTENSE relief and joy and am thinking, Okay, time to put on my coat and for us to call our parents with the news that we passed the anatomy scan! But then Dr. Zen says she has some results from the scan that she wishes she didn’t have to even mention, but she is required to tell us about by “standard of care” laws.

Baby B had a tiny calcification on the left ventricle of her heart, in technical terms it’s called an “echogenic intracardiac foci.” It is not effecting her heart’s functioning in any way. But back in the 90s, before they had developed the NT Scan and Quad tests to screen for chromosomal abnormalities, this was deemed one of a series of “soft markers” for down’s syndrome. Now, because we passed both the NT Scan and Quad Screen with a totally low risk of down’s, and because we are young and healthy, and especially because there are NO OTHER soft markers evident, the liklihood that Baby B isn’t 100% healthy is very very very slim.

But it’s the law that Dr. Zen has to tell us (so we can’t sue the clinic later or something) and the protocol is to send me to the MFM, who will repeat Baby B’s scan next Wednesday with even more intense measurements and special concentration on her heart and other soft marker areas…and then (hopefully) tell me the same thing….that Baby B is fine, but she has a harmless calcification. (I don’t suppose anyone has been through this and can comment or email me with their experience, by any chance?) We can also opt for an amnio if we want one. But we are really leaning away from it, due to the (admittedly very small) risk to the baby (which is increased in twins).

Baby B was SO active and sweet during the ultrasound. She stretched her legs all the way up to her head and grabbed her toes at one point, like she was getting limber for a run. 🙂 I believe in my heart of hearts that she is perfect and healthy, just like her more chill brother!

This did slightly take the wind out of my sails….I admit that I teared up at Dr. Zen’s merest mention that there was something to discuss and found my heart racing and I’ve had it in the back of my head all day long, as hubs and I trekked out to Ikea to start thinking about the nursery. Dr. Zen was incredibly calm, reassuring and understanding. And thank the lord that hubs was in the room to hear everything in his usual objective, calm manner, as well. As for me, you guys know I am anxious and freak-out–prone and I am trying my very best to be Zen.

We go to NYC for a wedding this weekend so that will help pass the time until this next ultrasound…..please let everything be okay with our sweet Baby B.