I surrender

It was 7:30am this morning and my legs dangled from the cold ultrasound exam table as I waited for the tech to find my name (Egg, Good) in the database. She went directly for the right ovary, where Scrappy had been just a month ago. “Nothing there,” she said.

And then I breathed.

**********

It was 1:30pm this afternoon and it was just me, my ridiculously long memo of questions, a notebook and pen in the consult room. I tapped my feet. There was a newborn baby cradled by her adoring parents in the hallway. I could hear the cooing from my room.

I breathed.

Right on schedule, Dr. K came in. She has long dark hair, a kind and beautiful face, a quick and confident way of speaking, and an easy smile.

“I’ve been reviewing your history and treatment and here’s the thing: You are complicated,” were the first words out of her mouth [see sidebar at right]. Her off-the-cuff thought in our mini-consult during that fateful u/s about five weeks ago—that this all could be traced back to chronic exercise—didn’t jive with her examination of my blood work-up. High-ish testosterone, almost like a PCOSer except without a single additional PCOS symptom. Low-ish to VERY low LH, like a chronic exerciser except my BMI rocks and I have such awesome estrogen-producing ability that I persistently develop cysts. I’m all over the map! A complete puzzle!

I feel like a patient on the TV show House, which I’ve recently become addicted to.

Last week I had a nightmare about this consult. In my dream I said to Dr. K: “I am frustrated! I’ve been treated at this clinic for eight months and I’ve only ovulated once!” That felt so good to say out loud, I remembered as I woke up with tears streaming down my face. So today, in our consult, I said it.

And then I breathed.

The plan: After I stop BCPs and get my period, Gonal-F 112.5 nightly, just as Dr. C suggested. BUT, also an Rx for Luveris, a pure LH inject, to be taken starting CD8 if follicle response sucks. Which it might. Because “at this point we are literally shooting in the dark with you.” And then Progesterone support if ovulation can be induced. Because nothing is a sure thing. There’s the possibility of no maturing follies, and there’s the possibility of over-stimming. It’s best to think of this round of injects as diagnostic. And to brace myself for cysts in June.

Just breathe.

A chance is good. No matter what pain might be in my near future (canceled for no response, over-stimming, OHSS, BFN, thin lining), I like that we’re going deeper than “and now, Gooooonal-F because that’s what every patient who doesn’t get knocked up on Clomid gets!” I like the LH idea. And, yes, please bring on the Progesterone. I need all the help I can get. If I’m complicated, it seems reasonable that my injects cycle might also need to be complicated.

I don’t know how I will respond to injects. My REs don’t know how I will respond. There are no answers. I cannot Google my way out of this one.

And so, I am telling you now, I surrender.

I will do my best to enjoy my wonderful life and just let Dr. K and her injectables do their best to help me conceive. I haven’t believed this whole “I will have a baby someday”–notion in such a very long time. I haven’t allowed myself to. I don’t even remember what hoping feels like. What if I put all of my energy into melting away this diamond-hard protective layer I’ve built around myself? What if I allowed myself to think I might be one of the lucky ones who will be knocked up someday, somehow? What then?

What if I were to chill? What if I were to be positive? What if I were to cut myself some slack? What if I were to let someone else worry about me?

What if I were to give hope room to breathe instead of always, constantly, persistently, chronically stifling it?

What then?

I will, I will, I will, I will, I will.

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18 Comments

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18 responses to “I surrender

  1. first of all, yea for no cyst! Secondly, it sounds like your consult with Dr. K went pretty well. I hope the protocol she came up with works well for you! I have really enjoyed injectables. I hope that is the trick! *hug*

  2. This was such a moving post. I really felt how you are trying to balance that natural worry with wanting to positive. I believe you can will yourself to do it, too. 🙂 I’m glad that Scrappy is GONE and I hope he never comes back. Here’s to a new and better plan!

  3. hollytraveling

    So happy that cyst is gone. And so far I really like how Dr. K is handling this. She’s just laying it all out there for you and is ready to take the challenge. I’m excited. I see this as the start of the new beginning for you. Love the way you told this.

  4. Tio

    All IFers know that waiting and sitting on the sidelines are some of the toughest things about IF – and you’ve had more than your fair share. I like Dr K’s plan – it sounds like she has really thought about what will be best for YOU – for Egg. You really deserve this cycle to go well, and I’ll be sending you daily positive vibes!

  5. Secret Sloper

    My friend, I hope my comments on your post yesterday didn’t hurt you, because I would *never* want to do that. You are entitled to feel and cope however you want to, and I understand your wish to have answers. Having no explanation for the miscarriage was better than the alternative, but also really, really hurt. Because random chance ripping your heart out does not feel good. So I do understand.

    And I agree with bunny. I am BEYOND impressed with how together you are after hit after hit that you’ve taken this year. Being benched sucks. Having no hope is heartbreaking. I’m so glad that Dr K wants to tackle this aggressively and find out what works for *you*, not random IF patient #243.

    Good for you for saying what you felt and getting answers you need. And good for you for trying to let hope in. You won’t jinx anything, but you might be a little happier in the meantime.

  6. Woooo! Our girl Egg is almost off the motherhumpin’ bench! 😉

  7. zully

    Wohooo so happy that your cyst is gone. There’s hope my friend, let’s be optimistic!!

  8. You’ve certainly put in your time worrying and being proactive and trying to be your own advocate. Now you’ve got a trusty doc who will tailor your treatment to your exact brand of complicatedness…if there’s any way you can let her take over and give yourself a rest, go for it. (Our stories are very different, but for me, I had to go through a phase where I dealt with the reality that I may never be pregnant. Then I was able to move to a phase where I had accepted that, but where there’s still lots of reason to have hope. In the long term, anyway. It helps me to think that sometimes. Maybe x or y won’t work, but eventually… As long as your RE thinks your long term prognosis is good, hope your little heart out, my dear! It won’t hurt a thing, and it might help!)

  9. Surrender can be OK. Have you ever done mindfulness meditation? It’s sort of based on the idea that whatever is happening, is happening, and you’re just hanging out being aware of it and taking note without judgment or attachment.

    “Oh, my leg kind of hurts from sitting in lotus position.”

    “There is a fire truck outside.”

    “I drank way too much green tea.”

    The idea being that you don’t shift your leg, you don’t worry about where the fire truck is headed, and you don’t get up to pee. You just notice the cramp, the siren, and the excess of tea. It can feel really, really passive, but sometimes that is what we need.

    Surrender can be a good antidote to Trying Really Hard, which I think is the instinct for a lot of us. Take care of yourself!

  10. See ya Scrappy! Such a relief that he (she?)’s outta there! And, it sounds like Dr. K has an awesome plan for you. One that is customized and, like you said, diagnostic at the very least. I know what you mean about surrendering. It’s almost necessary – we could google ourselves to death, but at some point we have to trust our doctors and hope for the best. I do have high hopes for you this cycle. The addition of LH might be just what your body needs. I’m so excited for you to get started! Now, go have an awesome spa weekend with your mom and gear up for your upcoming cycle!

  11. Tarah

    ((BIG hugs)) I have hope for you – I always have hope for you even when you don’t have hope for yourself. I hope this cycle works, I hope the injects work, I hope you respond beautifully & perfectly to everything they’re giving you. I hope you get that BFP and I hope it sticks & I hope you are able to melt that layer away.

    http://lovelyladybump.blogspot.com/

  12. Well first off huge YAY that scrappy is gone, one less thing to worry about. Now you can just focus on preparing for this cycle, and even if its just diagnostic I really like Dr. K’s plan and that its designed specifically for you. Somehow someway I have faith she will uncomplicate things, and find the most effective way to get you cycling away to your BFP. Letting the hope in is difficult, but you have every reason to let it in this cycle. New RE, new game plan, new info…I’m really feeling it for you!!!

  13. CT

    Egg, I’ve been following your journey for a while now, but never commented before. My situation is pretty similar to yours. I have surrendered to my RE, the injects, the Plan (whatever it may be). I just want you to know you are not alone. Thank you for sharing your story.

  14. I’m choosing to have great hope for you, during the times when you just can’t because of so many past disappointments.

    I can’t imagine how following this “shot in the dark” protocol must feel, but I know you must be thrilled to be actively cycling.

    Perhaps this “diagnostic” cycle will hold some answers to solving your puzzle.

    Hugs, Egg. Big Hugs.

  15. So excited your cyst is gone and you can finally cycle!!!

  16. i found your blog from ann-building a nest. i’m so glad i did! reading this post sounds so much like reading my story. i too, don’t ovulate and no one can figure out quite why. as my ob/gyn said “it’s just weird.” thanks.

    glad scrappy is gone, and looking forward to see how your injections + progesterone works for you, as that is the last combo that i have not tried and can’t wait to see your success with it!

  17. lifebytheday

    I’m SO glad that the appointment went well and that you’re feeling good about your upcoming cycle. Fingers crossed that you don’t end up being as complicated as they think. 😉

  18. Pingback: Deep breaths « Such A Good Egg

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