Hihi!

Push publish, push publish, push publish. That’s my blogging mantra.

Disclaimer: I know these are going to be the world’s most annoying updates for all of my IF friends still in the @#*&$#@(* trenches. I love you all and apologize in advance.

The update from my corner of the universe is that all is well, and all is nutso. All at once..

• Hubs has been criss-crossing the country for the past two weeks interviewing for jobs, and he will continue to do so until the end of February. Last week, his first on the road, I struggled big-time with the whole single parent slash full-time working Mom to two 10-month-olds thing. (No sympathy please! Big props to all the folks out there who do it every.single.day!!) I just felt perpetually frazzled and like my heart was always beating faster. One morning, Champ tipped over a lamp in the living room. I was one step too slow to prevent the tippage. One worst-Mom-ever step. He was FINE, it didn’t fall in his direction or anything, but I was not. I was thiiiiiiiis close to crying. That night, in a frantic blur of a bus ride home to relieve the nanny, I was pick-pocketed. It was a mess (it continues to be a mess). I made a promise to myself that night that I would SLOW DOWN, remember to breathe, take an extra moment to gather myself, etc.

* And then the next morning as I settled into my bus seat en route to work and couldn’t find my iPhone, I was certain I’d dropped it on the sidewalk as I’d sprinted a block to catch the bus—so much for slowing down—thankfully it was at home sitting in the charging station, but I admit I did well up with tears on that bus ride. GET IT TOGETHER, GET IT TOGETHER, YOU’VE GOT TWO BABIES DEPENDING ON YOU, YOU CAN’T LOSE YOUR SH*T NOW!!! That’s all I could think last week.

• On the upside, the babies do not seem to be effected by my general aura of Very Frazzled Woman.

• This week went A LOT better—no wallet stolen, no broken lamp, no cell phone dramatics (please no jinxies, haha)—mostly because my Mom came to visit and with her help I didn’t feel like I was baking in a pressure cooker.

• Much to my dismay, because I truly love my job, I am feeling verrrrry blah about work lately. This really set in after the holidays. I had the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s with the babies and it was utter bliss. I realized in that week HOW MUCH they change every single day and how wonderful it is to be PRESENT for those changes….it was hard-hard-hard to go back to the office and leave them under someone else’s care. (I adore our nanny, it’s not about that.) I have recently experienced actual physical jealousy toward stay at home moms—even though I know what an incredibly exhausting and difficult job it is.

• My current work malaise is probably one of those cliche cases of the grass-is-always-greener. Also, it’s freezing outside and dark/gray and it’s just kind of a bummie of a time of year. [Side note: Please let hubs snag a job, please please please. It’s a tough job market and a competitive field. We are so hoping something comes together.]

• As for the babies, they are as awesome and amazing as you could possibly imagine. They light up my life in endlessly wonderful ways. The amount I have belly-laughed since they entered the world is astounding. I love their sweet baby smells, their smiles, their laughs, their splashing in the tub. I love the way they clutch at my shirt and whimper and bury their faces in my neck as I lower them into their cribs for bed at night. I love watching them on the baby monitor as they stand up at the place where their cribs almost meet and babble to each other and hand toys back and forth. I love how they scrunch up their faces and snort and smile and bounce with excitement (haha, it’s true) on their tip toes as I come into their room every morning at dawn. I love how they crawl all over me, and how they bring me books to read, and how they love to play Rolly Poly on the floor with me as the sun rises. I love eveything about them with every ounce of my being. I am so so so lucky to be living this life.

Four-month ramblings

My brain is fried so this is all I got…bullets!

• The babies go for their 4-month check-ups tomorrow. What I’m thinking a lot about: Champ’s super-flat head on the right side. We shall see what the ped thinks.
• I had a long list of “projects” to accomplish during maternity leave. HAHAHAHA. (What was I thinking?) I seriously have crossed one off the list.
• Hubs has been absolutely and totally and completely buried in his dissertation. He hasn’t slept the past two nights because he had a big presentation to give today. He is so tired of it. He is so stressed. This week he has had absolutely no time to help with the babies…no feedings, no bath time, no snuggles, no dipe changes…ay yi yi. I know it’s not good to wish time away, and certainly I don’t with our sweet sweet babies, but I am SO READY for my poor hubs to have completed this @#^*$#@&(@ thing. (Then it’ll be time to stress/worry about the next step: his job applications this Fall!)
• I have been “training” the nanny for a few hours here and there for the past month. She is wonderful. Calm. Zen. Sweet. Nurturing. Loving. I am so grateful for this.
• The thing is, though, I do things a certain way. (Ahem, I like to leave the bath water running to circulate the water because Champ always pees when he gets in the baby tub. She just fills it up and turns off the water.) I have been home while she’s been learning the drill and it takes a lot of effort to find the right balance between, This thing is really important to me, versus, You know what? It’s okay if she wants to do it that way. Has anyone else dealt with this?
• Hubs’s brother and his wife are moving to our city this summer. [Insert cheering!!!!] I love them both so much and am SO SO SO happy we will have family IN THE SAME CITY AS US! They are apartment hunting this weekend and are staying with us from Friday–Monday. So tomorrow is my last day solo with the babies before going back to work.
• I feel like a ticking time bomb with the going-back-to-work thing. I suspect it will be terribly difficult. I don’t even know, I’m a mess of emotions. But hopefully I’ll at least enjoy having the countdown aspect GONZO.
• I’m going to pump as long as possible, but am trying to be realistic that I may not last too much longer once I’m working….eeeeesh.
• Hubs downloaded some pics from our digital camera a few weeks ago and I happened to glance through them today. There is one picture of me in the waiting room at the hospital the night I went into labor. The clock reads 12:47am. I haven’t gone back to triage yet. I am HUUUUUGE. (My gosh, I did NOT remember how big I was!) Puffy. Multiple chins. I have a giant pregnancy-induced blood vessel thing erupting next to my nose. (It had to be cut off two weeks later in a quicky surgery. A whole other blog post. Yuck!) I look so uncomfortable and annoyed at hubs. I was probably in the midst of a serious contraction and little did I know that I was already 10cm dilated and literally a couple of hours away from meeting Champ and Honey. You know what? It’s such an awesome picture, I didn’t even remember hubs taking it!! 🙂
• All three of my babies are currently sleeping: hubs, Champ and Honey. I love them all so very very very much. I am so incredibly grateful to be exactly where I am.

It’s talk to Egg about your baby day…

I think I have a sign on me this very snowy morning that says “I would absolutely love to hear about your newborn/toddler/baby right now so please gush away!!”

On the elevator up to the office, a coworker with baby twins chatted me up rather suddenly. She wanted to explain why it is that she is so thrilled to be back at work. She’d spent the week off watching, feeding and playing with her twin babies and had been absolutely EXHAUSTED. Work is so much easier! Babies are so hard! I’m so lucky it’s just me and hubs!

As I settled into my desk, a coworker with a 19-month-old IMed me this out of the blue: “Q has sooo much personality these days. He climbs on chairs and couches every chance he gets. He keeps finding new ways to get into trouble but is so cute we can’t get too mad! I’m bringing him into the office soon!” That’s soooo cute! Great! I can’t wait to see him!

I walked to the break room for my third mug of coffee (more on that later) and my coworker with a four-month-old boy asked what we did for the holidays. “Flew home to Kansas City to see my parents and siblings, it was great!” I said, “How about you guys?” Instead of traveling to Boston like they do every year, they stayed in town for the first time EVER because they are “building their own family now.” Of course! Right! That’s so awesome!

Back at my desk, I clicked on my personal email account to find a blast from the past message from a former coworker. He was in the mood to talk about his toddler and to share some pics of her! Here is what HE had to say: “M is quite a little talker, it turns out – she’s not yet two and a half, and she’s totally verbal. The other day, she was enjoying a sucker, and she said, ‘This sucker feels warm in my tummy, daddy.’ Isn’t that funny? She loves all of the things a two-year-old should love – Elmo, Sesame Street, the various princesses, Olivia the pig, and so on. She kills me.” Oh, wow! Yes, so funny! That is so killer!!!!

I’m sorry, I’m being a total and complete JEEEEERK BAAAAALLLLLLL. All of these folks are AWESOME. I can understand why you’d gush about your baby, especially when you have cute holiday stories to share. I get it, because I want to gush about a baby I don’t even have! I don’t know, maybe it’s just in the water today. Maybe it’s because it’s snowing cats and dogs outside and they’re missing seeing their little cutie pies all bundled up? Or maybe it’s not about them at all, and it’s actually about ME BEING CRAZY-TOWN AND SUDDENLY NOTICING EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER HAS A BABY OR IS PREGNANT, EVEN CHARACTERS IN THE SEASON FOUR LOST RERUNS I’VE BEEN WATCHING LATELY?! Dunno. 🙂

Oh yeah, so I’m guzzling coffee again. Because my temp dropped all the way down to pre-ovulation levels today. Still no sign of my period, which is officially becoming annoying, but it’s just a matter of time. My luteal phase is already a day longer than it was on my last Clomid cycle, and that just proves the Rule of Egg: my body is stubbornly unpredictable. And to add injury to insult, because my RE’s office asked me to when I got my awesomely-misleading P4 results (just to me, of course), I took an HPT test this morning. We all know how that went down: BFN. Eh, whatever, it was not a crushing experience. I think the temping sorta prepares you for the blow, so you suffer little by little instead of getting punched in the stomach.

I’m smitten…

….with Baby A. She is the cutest thing in the world. She is 17-months-old and she smiles, and smiles, and smiles. She totters around on wobbly, chubby little legs. She sports an adorable pot belly under striped pink sweaters. She wears footie jammies to bed. Her bangs fall into her eyes unless her Mommy scoops them up into a whale spout atop her head.

She says words like, “Oh, dear!” and “tiger” and “door” and “dadda.” She loves doing “work” on my laptop. She sleeps through the night. She smiles, and smiles and smiles.

My heart swelled watching my hubs play with her. She was mesmerized by him. And his beard. She waved hello to him every time he walked in the room. It was beyond cute!!

We played with her all afternoon, watched her take a bath, eat dinner, hit the sack (6:30pm!), then played with her for two hours this morning until she and her parents took off for Baby A’s visit with her great-grandma.

This adorable child absolutely meeeeeelted me. I’m 4DPO, perhaps a tad emotional, and more ready than EVER to get preggo so hubs and I can have our own little Baby A. 🙂 I didn’t think it was POSSIBLE, but my heart aches all the more for my own little one!