And here we are

We triggered last night (twelfth night of stims, not too bad!) and will IUI tomorrow. We officially have one good follie on the left, with a “maybe” on the right (if it works really hard to catch up). I had a bunch of follies hanging out in the 12-13ish range and there was talk about canceling or converting to IVF. So, we triggered quickly to save the cycle. Phew.

I love Dr. Awesome. I love his knowledgeable, compassionate nurses. I love his online patient portal where hubs and I can access my daily monitoring results. I love his protocol. I love that he is checking my P4 in a week. I love that I have a Beta test scheduled and don’t have to take an HPT. I love his aggression with my treatment. I love his caution. I love everything about clinic #2.

Can we be friends?

That’s what hubs and I say to each other as a way to make up after we’ve argued. Those words are code for, “I don’t want to be in a fight in more, let’s move on!” An olive branch, if you will.

I feel like that’s what I’m doing with blogging. I want to be friends with it again. Lately I’ve been focusing more on commenting and less on writing about myself because it was fueling my tendency to freak out, moan, weep, obsess, complain and feel jealous and angry and sorry for myself. There is a fine line between venting and enabling negativity. I am working hard to find the balance. I want blogging to be a healthy, therapeutic thing for me again.

I’m still trucking along with injections and monitoring for IUI 3.0 at Clinic #2. Dr. Awesome is using a similar protocol to Clinic #1’s, except instead of Luveris to help out my super-duper low LH, he asked me to begin inject low-dose HCG on my fifth night of stims and also to start Ganirelix (to prevent premature ovulation) on my seventh night of stims. I’ve “checked out” (well, more than usual) and I’ve been letting hubs do the Googling and cycle comparing when I get monitoring results. He has also been taking the pressure/stress off of me with injections. He preps them each night (mixing up the low dose HCG, dealing with the Ganirelix, setting up the Gonal-F pen), and then injects me while I look away. It’s amazing what a difference it makes to take all of my injections in the evening and to have someone else worry about them for me!

I’ve also been focusing on being more gentle with my body. I’ve been doing lots of yoga, and no running. I bought a meditation CD aimed at infertility and have actually been leaving my desk for a half hour every day at “lunch time” (we all eat at our desks) and listening to it on a park bench. I’ve been practicing the deep breathing I learned on that spa trip with my Mom in April. I have not managed to chillax into a blissful Yogi state by any means, but I am really trying to be more “okay” with everything. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad. Even Steven.

Honestly, I know that all of the hard work I’m doing on myself hangs in a fine balance….the moment my cycle goes off the rails, or a friend emails with baby news, or whatever, I could potentially melt down. It’s easy to be Zen when everything’s going okay. Still, it’s more pleasant than the alternative—being a crumpled mess of despair no matter HOW things are going.

I’m trying really hard to take this cycle day by day dear bloggies. I’m trying to find my sweet spot.

It had to be done

You know how I’ve been to a half-dozen out of town weddings recently? Well, I just bailed on the final one that’s the last weekend in July after RSVPing “yes” two weeks ago. I hemmed and hawed over sending that RSVP, but ultimately decided that there was a VERY slim chance I would be cycling and unable to go. Plus, the wedding is in my hometown and thanks to this spring and summer filled with weddings and monitoring, I haven’t flown home to see my siblings and parents since CHRISTMAS! I was excited to go home.

But our priority is making a baby. With five months on the bench with those dang cysties since October, voluntarily sitting out a month just wasn’t an option for hubs and me after our second round of injects/IUI didn’t work. Honestly, I was really really relieved and happy when Dr. A gave me the green light to cycle after Saturday’s baseline monitoring.

So I made up an excuse and last night I told my childhood friend that I could not be at her wedding. (Absolutely nooooo desire to share my very private medical situation with anyone but hubs, my parents, and you guys!) She said she was “bummed but understood.” And now I’ll give the same party-line to my little brother and little sister and older brother (who was maybe going to fly home that weekend, too, so we could all be together). And even though I know this is the time to put hubs and me first, and to take care of my body and put the rest of my life on hold so I can be here for treatment, I still feel like a selfish jerk. You know?

Oh well, it’ll all be okay. Zen zen zen zen.

Injects 3.0

CD2 monitoring at clinic #2 this morning. (Allllll the way out in the ‘burbs.) Blood work, super-intense ultrasound measuring everything and looking for abnormalities, an injections class, paperwork signing. Of course, during the u/s, a residual cysie was discovered on rightie.

HIGHS and l..o..w..s

Monitoring was fantastic. 8.1mm lining. (The tech had to measure it a few different times to give me that great number, but hey, I’ll take it.) Rightie got up to 18! Leftie is going nutso with a 20, 18.5, 18, 17.5. I swear on the walk into work the entire world was so super duper sparkly I needed sunglasses. I kept thinking to myself, THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS! I even thought about how if THIS didn’t work (my thickest lining yet and four follies, amazing for me), we should just go directly to IVF because no IUI cycle would ever work.

I had a cartoon-size smile on my face all day.

Before you tell me I could become octo-mom, let me tell you about my blood work. My E2 is 292. If you’re thinking that number sucks, you’d be correct. The rule of thumb is 200 E2 per mature follie. Which leaves me with….maybe one follie? And my LH is officially so low that it’s not even measurable.

Ugh.

So. I’m triggering tonight. And they want me to come in TOMORROW a.m. for the IUI. It’s odd that they’re not doing the standard 36 hours post-trigger IUI. Especially since I’m most definitely NOT surging on my own (low LH, see above). I can’t help but suspect they’re rushing me so no one has to come in and deal with a patient on July 4th. I’ve got calls into the nurse and Dr. K. I’m sure they won’t change the protocol but maybe they can give me a tiny piece of hope back.

The ups and downs absolutely kill me.

***Update***

What do you know, Dr. K agrees with me and we’re doig the IUI on Sunday instead of tomorrow. The on-call RE’s reasoning for doing the IUI tomorrow morning was that my E2 seems to have plateaued (sad). He wants to catch any viable egg before it goes bad, so to speak. Dr. K sees his point, but would rather IUI 36 hours after trigger. They are hoping that out of all those big guys, one holds a good egg. So after 15 days of stims and 4 follies measuring 18mm or bigger, I have maybe one good egg. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please let it be the one.

Starring….LEFTIE!

Hello bloggies. I had an excellent monitoring appointment this morning. My lining is up to 7.0 and….wait for it….triple stripe. HUZZAH! I am slightly concerned that the u/s tech realizes I’m a crazy, emotional fool who will turn into a weeping puddle if my lining report is not good, and that she’s inflating my numbers or taking four or five measurements just to appease me. But, whatevs. It’s totally working, I’m appeased. 🙂

It turns out my left ovary is working some serious OT this cycle. That’s great and all, but….crapola….the same thing happened last time I cycled (a super active left ovary with one to two viable contenders and a ton of little guys bringing up the rear). I’d really love the 14.5er on rightie to catch up. I’m happy with my lining, I’m happy about my follies waking up, but I’m still finding it within me to worry my left side is my….bad side.

Rightie: 14.5, 10.5

Leftie: 16, 15.5, 14, 12, 12, 10.5, 10

E2: 236

LH: 0.5 (it’s kind of ironic how the more consectutive days I take my PURE LH INJECTABLE, the lower my LH number)

I am to stay the course. 75iu of Gonal-F every night and 37.5iu of Luveris every morning. Back on Friday for CD17 monitoring. That’ll be 15 days of stims, folks. I’m going for a record in blog-land!

I swear there is other interesting stuff going on in my life right now, but, let’s be honest, this is all I think/obsess/daydream/worry about. One story for you, before I pretend to care about work for the next five hours. Last night as I was swigging my water while taking my cocktail of nightly supps—three L-Arginines, a Vitamin E, a Pre-Natie, a baby aspirin, a fish oil—dressed in a cropped-ish tank top that exposed my bruised tummy and a baggy pair of drawstring khakis that hubs not-so-affectionately calls my “prison pants,” he came around the corner, paused to examine the visage of beauty in front of him, and finally remarked that I looked “bloated.” What I heard was, “fat.” [Blame it on the Luveris, the inject that not only gives me bruises and stings like a $&*#@ going in, but also lowers my LH and makes me crazy.] Well, he was right. It turns out I am bloated, and I’m glad I finally have some follies that prove it. I hit the gym extra hard this morning but I realize my bod is a bit of a lost cause at this point in the cycle. Just saying….it is a lesson in self-acceptance to look pregnant when the one thing you most definitely are NOT is pregnant.

A fly on the wall

There is a staging room at clinic #1 where women wait for their ultrasounds during early morning monitoring. While one woman is getting her u/s done, you are shown into the room, given a sheet, and then you undress and wait in a curtained off stall. The ultrasound room is riiiight next door so you can hear exactly how the woman in front of you is doing, where she is in her cycle, etc. Then she comes out, you get called back, and after she changes someone else is shown into the room to wait for her turn while your ultrasound is completed.

Today there was a couple in front of me, getting their “10 day” ultrasound. (Not to be confused with the VERY different CD10 ultrasound.) I sat on my little stool and tried everything under the sun to distract myself from hearing what was going on in that room….I played Wurdle, checked email, etc etc. But darnit if those walls aren’t as thin as paper…I could hear every single word. The congratulations and hugging between the u/s tech and the newly pregnant woman. The congratulations as Dr. C came in to do the u/s. The talk about symptoms (No spotting, great! Feeling nausea already, great sign! A little crampiness, perfectly normal!). The measurements (on sked). The lining (thick and healthy). The heartbeat (110bpm). The calculation of due date (February 22). More hugs and congratulations as she left the room. My eyes uncontrollably welled up with tears.

Bloggies, why in the world do I respond that way? I should feel hope that success was literally sitting a few feet from me. I should feel relief that clinic #1 is getting patients pregnant. This woman is a fellow infertile and lord only knows what horrible-ness she and her husband have suffered to get to this point. It’s not jealously. I think it’s mostly fear. Fear that I will never, ever know that joy and happiness. Fear that I’m too busted to ever conceive. Fear that I will never be pregnant. Fear about my lining. Fear about my egg quality. Fear about conception. Fear about implantation.

Fear that the closest I’ll ever be to a “10 day” ultrasound is the stool in the staging room.

*****

In, ahem, better news. My lining woke up over the weekend! He’s back up to 6mm. (Yeah, my lining is a “he,” go figure.) I even have some measureable follies! I’ve got one 12mm-er and a 10er on rightie. Leftie has four little guys clocking in at 10mm. My guess is we will continue my slooooow and steaaaaaady stimming protocol (37.5iu Luveris in the a.m., 75iu Gonal-F in the p.m.) and I’ll be injecting for a while longer. I am getting a little tired of the injections (I’m on my 11th day of stimming) and monitoring, but my lining could definitely use extra time to improve so I’m assuming it’s a blessing that I’m a slow responder.

Friday did open up Pandora’s Box with my lining weirdness. I had pretty decent control over my intense lining anxiety after I got up to 7.6mm last cycle, but Friday brought the dangers of thin lining back into the spotlight. I’m afraid I’ll lose a couple of millimeters again by the next monitoring appointment. Or that he’s maxed out at 6mm. I don’t feel confident or home free with my lining. Hubs suggested instead of going into “worry” mode, I try to embrace the good news when I get it. And it IS good news. Going from 3.6mm to 6.0mm in three days is awesome for me. Truly! I am very, very grateful today. Hopefully as the follies continue to grow I can fluff up even more.

*****

Dear woman in front of me in the u/s line this morning,

I am incredibly happy for you! The joy you and your husband expressed took my breath away. I have read about early pregnancy ultrasounds in blog-land, but the reality was even more special and miraculous than I had imagined. It was incredible to hear the intimate details of the miracle of life you are carrying. I wish you all the very best for a wonderful pregnancy.

Oh, one more thing. I hope and pray that you left me some baby dust in the staging room. 🙂

xoxo,

Egg

It was nice knowing ya, Yoda Egg

CD10 monitoring this a.m. My lining went from 5mm to 3.6mm. My jaw sorta dropped in disbelief at this news, which inspired the tech to re-measure it. “4.1!” she exclaimed happily. Riiiiight.

How the frack does my lining go down by 1.4mm when I have the bruises and holes in my stomach from 15 injections to prove that I should be producing copious amounts of estrogen?

I’m worried that my 7.3mm lining was a complete fluke last cycle. I’m afraid that the tech mis-measured it and it was really much thinner. I’m scared that my lining problems are back. I don’t know you guys, this lining thing has me reeling a bit.

It’s like, just when I think I’ve got my body figured out (cysts, okay I can endure them; slow-growing follies, fine, I take a long time to stim), it throws something else at me. Seriously, what the heck body? Geeeeeez.

Then I made the VERY big mistake of texting my Mom an update. She texted back, “You should’ve cycled with clinic #2.” Thanks, Mom! That makes me feel awesome. (Also, I think she’s wrong. Dr. Awesome wanted to use the same dose of Gonal-F and no Luveris. I’m happy we’re giving the Luveris a chance. I don’t think the Luveris thins my lining. This is my body’s fault.)

I feel like going home and just crying under the covers for a couple hours and then taking a long walk to get myself together. But that’s not happening. Work is incredibly busy and stressful on Fridays and I’ll be here late. I’m hoping the nurse has some words of wisdom when I get my dosing update, but I can already see how that convo will go.

Me: “So, what’s up with my lining, why did it thin out?”

Nurse: “I know, we’re surprised, too! Sometimes that happens and no one knows why.”

Me: “I haven’t been bleeding, where does the lining go?”

Nurse: “Hmmm, good question. You’ll have to ask the doctor.”

Me: “Why am I not making enough estrogen to thicken my lining? Should I be on a higher dose of meds?”

Nurse: “I really have absolutely no idea how any of this works and I’m not allowed to comment or speculate or soothe you. My job is to draw blood. You’ll have to ask the doctor.”

Me: “Okay, can you have Dr. K call me back?”

Nurse: “Ohhh, sorry. She’s not on call today.”

The upside of all of this is that my follies are still too small to measure, except for one on rightie, who’s at 10.5mm. So here’s what I’m repeating to myself: Once they start growing and I’m making more estrogen, my lining will fluff up again. It’s much, much too early to freak out or be down. Things can only improve from here….

Giorno otto del ciclo

That post title? Cycle day 8, in Italian. Gotta keep everyone on their toes. Also, I already named a post CD8 and can’t bear to repeat last cycle’s meltdowns, especially the one on CD8. New cycle, new attitude.

Soooo, monitoring. Nothing to see here, folks! I have zero follies over 10mm, none big enough to measure. But it’s okay. I think some little guys will probably wake up and begin growing in a few days. My lining was 1.8mm at baseline and it’s up to 5mm. Which is, you know, AWESOME for a lining-challenged–girl like me. I think my lining is digging the Luveris.

We also got some great news yesterday. Hubs’s SA #2 with Dr. A’s preferred Kruger Test for morphology came back all good. He has some great looking swimmers. So if we can get to IUI land again this cycle, we know we have a shot.

My blood work with clinic #2/Dr. A is also rolling in and everything looks okay so far. TSH (the reason I was referred to an RE last August), is normal. AMH is normal. Dr. A noted some perhaps alarmingly high kidney- and liver-related hormone levels in previous rounds of blood work. So, even though he said it wouldn’t be related to my ferility troubles, he was a bit concerned and ran extra tests on secondary hormones that give a better picture of the health of those organs. Everything is normal. PHEW! Seriously, part of me was awaiting a call from Dr. A to the effect of, “You’re going into premature kidney failure, get to the ER immediately.” (I know, I’m nuts.)

Which begs the question, what the frack is wrong with me and why don’t I ovulate? I know the answer doesn’t matter….it simply is what it is. (Yeah, Yoda Egg is currently in the house.)

Ciao!

Getting warmed up

Quickie update. I went into clinic #1 for an ultrasound to check out my cyst this morning. It’s gooooooone. Which means I’ve stopped taking BCPs and I hope to  begin injections on Thursday. For those of you counting, yeah, that leaves a few BCPs in the packet. In other words, I’ve fast-tracked myself. Suck it, remaining pills. 🙂

What’s the rush? (Besides the fact that my as$ has completely fallen asleep from warming the bench for so long?) We’re heading to the Chesapeake Bay for another wedding on Friday morning. The hardest part is that we’re staying at a tiny B&B with three college girlfriends, two of them are bringing their babies. It would be nice to have a little hope in my heart, don’tcha think?…So thank the LORD I will be injecting this weekend.

I told hubs last night that I was dreading this morning’s ultrasound. Not because I was afraid the cyst would still be there (which I was worried about). I’m afraid because I know how brutal each monitoring appointment can be…how freaking emotional I become as I anaylze my response to the medicine. Hubs looked at me calmly (he is omni-calm!) and said, “But you’re always emotional, so what’s the difference?” Haha. So true. And I’d rather be emotional with hope as an undercurrent, instead of emotional on the bench.

So, I’m waiting for my period, then waiting for baseline monitoring. Then, hopefully, injects 2.0. And meanwhile, blood tests and hubs’s SA at clinic #2. Heck yeah!