Yip!

The nurse called to tell me about the results of my fasting and glucose bloodtests I took on Monday morning. Both were perfectly normal! No more blood tests for me! Yip yip yip!!!! She was unclear on whether this means I am no longer considered a GDer….as in, she didn’t know whether or not I need to keep following my special GD diet. She said to just keep up with it and I can discuss it with Dr. Zen at my next appointment.

Which is fine, I am perfectly okay with this new eating plan. But I will probably splurge on more milkshakes, since I want those babies growing nice and chubby and since I became OBSESSED with them the moment I got the initial GD news. (Haha.)

This has been an nutty, busy, stressful, looooong week of work—with a blizzard thrown in for good measure. Suddenly, my sleep went from bad-ish (waking every two hours to pee and think about the state of the world) to bad (not comfortable in any position, oddly achey legs that remind me of marathon training, weird heavy-ness in my lower ute that makes me panic-y-ish, can’t fall back to sleep unless my bladder is 100% empty, which honestly means getting up and peeing all.the.time, etc!)….which has not helped me power through the craziness at work. I am seriously like a beached whale flipping around in bed every night, poor poor hubs! But it is soooooo worth it for the sweet little babies to be comfie and growing big, strong and healthy in there. Sweet little babies.

I am SO HAPPY it’s Friday and that I got some good GD news to end the week. Yip for 29 weeks! Keep growing big and strong, Baby A and Baby B!! 🙂

Maybe?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

We visited my family over the holiday weekend. My older brother and his wife couldn’t be there because of work, but it was great to see my parents and little brother and sister. Hubs and I split the holidays between our fams, alternating who we visit at Christmas and Thanksgiving every year. I know my Mom is reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly sad we won’t be flying home for Christmas….and that manifests itself as intense guilt in me. But beyond little comments here and there bemoaning missing us already at Christmas, we had a wonderful weekend.

Early on Thanksgiving morning, I braved a 16-degree, windy morning for a 5K Turkey Trot with my Dad, sister, brother and hubs. I shuffled the entire thing! Usually I’m out in front of my family, but this year I was the caboose. 🙂 Totally fine by me, I was happy in my snail slow pace. It has been getting uncomfortable to jog/shuffle….I think I am just getting too large. So that was probably my last “run.” From now on, it’s going to be swims, yoga and maybe the ellip and light weights. All of it super EZ, of course. A tiny dose of exercise a few times a week keeps me sane!

After the Trot we began cooking the Thanksgiving meal. Fun fun fun!!! (Even though I totally ruined my dish—what should’ve been a delish sweet potato hash—by over-salting it. I would’ve been cut in a second if it was an ep of Top Chef. So JV!) Later that afternoon I relaxed for a loooong time on the couch to watch football with my sibs and hubs. A couple of times, I thought I felt a very very gentle “bump” in my lower left stomach region. Not bubbles or flutters or tickling or kicking, but a so-subtle-I-could’ve-imagined-it bump. It made me so happy! I willed it to happen again and again. Since then, I THINK I’ve felt it a couple of times….usually on my lower left but also right by my belly button.

I have no idea where the babies are located in my tum, but I sooooooo hope this is them, beginning to make themselves known. It’s not kicking or crazy movement or anything close….it’s MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE something.

I also realized that I’m never sitting for an extended amount of time or laying around unless it’s bedtime. At work, I’m “officially” at a desk-job, but the reality is that I’m on my feet walking somewhere and doing something away from my desk every few minutes. And then I come home and cook or clean or whatev….I finally relax after dinner in front of the TV…and my then I’m so tired that I usually scoot into bed and promptly fall asleep within a few minutes.

SO. The point is….it’s hard to find long spells of quiet where I can replicate my lazy Thanksgiving afternoon during which the babies MAYBE moved. Or maybe I didn’t really feel them move. It could very well be that I want this so badly that I’m imagining things. But I would really really really love to feel more of it. 🙂 It would so help soothe my anxiety!

ANYWAY! Tomorrow will be 20 weeks. And it’s T-minus seven days until our big anatomy scan. I am thankful for so so so so much this year, but mostly these babies, who hubs and I cannot wait to share our lives with. We love them so very very very much. And I pray and hope with everything in me that these babies are growing and healthy and strong and that everything is okay.

I will leave you with our first purchase for them. We saw these Dr. Seuss jammies discounted on the baby-deals site Zulily.com earlier this month and couldn’t resist. 🙂

I caved

I went into the OB’s office this morning. Because….

1. I had blood in my stool on Monday night and Tuesday morning and it freaked me out.

2. I am flying home this weekend and my family is going to want to talk about the babies and I have been dreading feeling scared about those convos because I haven’t actually seen the babies in weeks.

3. I’m totally a WIMP my friends! I couldn’t take the wait to next Friday!

So I called the nurse yesterday to discuss the blood and she said it was either a) tearing (gross, I’m sorry) or b) hemorrhoids (heretofore to be know as H or Hs because I think that is a pretty nast word and I don’t like typing it). Both of which are normal for suuuuuuper constie folks like me. But I was very tired yesterday, and highly emotional, and stressed about some work drama, and I must admit I started to cry a bit while I was talking to the nurse, and before I knew it I was booked for a “quick pop-in with the midwife” for 8am this morning.

The midwife at my clinic is soooooo nice. She is a twin herself and loves twin patients. She wheeled in the mini ultrasound machine as she entered my room so I knew I wouldn’t even have to beg for a quick peek. She said it had been almost a month since I’d seen them and why don’t we just give me some peace of mind. FINE BY ME!!!!

The babies looked great! Baby A was chilling, perhaps napping, but then Baby B had hiccups and was moving around and seemed to wake up Baby A before our eyes. They are very cute, I melted into a puddle, and that’s pretty much all there is to say about that. 🙂

Other news is that I’m up 9 pounds total now (at 15w1d). After being obsessed about how I haven’t been gaining weight at all—I’d only put on one pound at 12w1d—this big jump was CRAZY. Now I’m like, Eeeeek, is it TOO much? My scary twin pregnancy book says 20-25 pounds by 20 weeks but pretty much everyone under the sun says that’s too much and don’t worry about it. ANYway, I just want these babies to be healthy and nourished perfectly. I’m trying to just go with it. I’m not eating crappy food, I’m not eating too little, I’m not overeating, and that’s about the best I can do, right? (I apologize for obsessing about everything, but this is my vent place!)

The yuck news is that I do indeed have a “small, internal” H. I didn’t know what that was until I was Googling on Monday night but here’s the short version: It’s an inflamed blood vessel that can bleed if brushed by hard, ahem, stool. I figured it was pretty dang early to develop this sort of thing (Google says 3rd tri or post-birth!), but the midwife explained that twin Moms have even more blood flow than the average preggo and that can bring them on sooner.

I don’t care about the H at all, now that I 100% know it’s nothing to worry about. I’m just overjoyed that I got to see our sweet babies and that they are doing well. Now I can fly home this weekend without this dark cloud of anxiety hovering over me. And maybe maybe MAYBE even buy our  first set of onsies while I’m there?!

Sweet things

This is going to be short and sweet because I’m off to a meeting.

THE BABIES ARE DOING GREAT!!!!

They stayed perfectly still and in the exact right position during the scan measurements. (The tech said they were really good babies, hahaha.) Then, once the measurements were over, they got active! We saw them moving around, their sweet little hearts thumping away (we got to hear that sound today, ohhhhhh it was awesome). The entire experience just melted my heart into a puddle. I love them so much. I seriously could’ve stared at them for hours and hours and hours. Two tiny miracles. 🙂

So then we met with the genetic counselor and they passed the NT Scan and blood tests with flying colors. Both babies have a less than 1 in 10,000 risk of any of the genetic disorders that were tested for. PHEW! Then we did a 12-weeks check-up with one of Dr. Zen’s partners, which basically entailed me asking a dozen questions. It was a long morning.

I’m not sure if it’s possible to convey how worked up I get myself for these appointments. It is just sooooo hard to believe that after so much heart ache and fear and despair, my body can do this—support two lives!—and that things can be going so well. You know? And I know we are NOT out of the woods just because everything was okay today. There are many more hurdles to come. But at 12w1d, our babies are healthy and perfect and we are absolutely over the moon. 🙂

Great job babies, you are such good, sweet little things. We love you so much! Keep growing big and strong!!! We can’t wait to see you again!!

Zen zen zen zen

I have been so anxious about this 12 week check-up that it’s kind of out of control. At least a few times a day  I say to hubs, “Are the babies okay? Are they growing exactly like they should? Are they healthy?” And he calmly says, “Yes.” And then I say, “But how do you knoooooow?” And then I get online and google random crap like “weight gain during first trimester twins” (because I’ve LOST weight and this book I’m reading says you should gain, like, 10 pounds by 12 weeks and 20 pounds by 20 weeks!) and attempt to freak myself about OTHER stuff…because it feels better than worrying about whether the babies grew this month, and how they will fare in the NT Scan and what my blood work looked like from the appointment at the genetic counselor’s office last week.

Yes, I am insane. I think the anxiety worsens as the appointment approaches, ever noticed that?

Here is what else I do to ACTUALLY chill me out.

Warm baths. Oh, my gosh. Ever since the nurse suggested I take a bath the night after my pap, to try to clear out the scary dark discharge, I’ve been totally obsessed. I fill the tub with warm water and bubble bath, light some candles, bring in a waterbottle of cold water and a magazine, and just CHILL. It is awesome you guys! Um, I even took TWO BATHS yesterday, that’s how helpful this ritual is. Plus, it helps get rid of the disgusting bits of brown Crinone that are still coming out, even though I stopped taking the prog supps on Saturday.

Meditation. During my final infertilty cycle  I went to an AWESOME place called Pulling Down the Moon for weekly (sometimes twice weekly) meditation classes geared specifically toward infertility. It was sooooo soothing and cathartic. Unfort, my job has evovled in such a (sucky) way that it’s next to impossible to make it those classes in the evenings, but I am still listening to my meditations on my bus ride to and from work. I’m thinking of downloading the Circle+Bloom pregnancy meditations, but I dare not pull the trigger until after Wednesday’s appointment.

Running. I am literally shuffling, not running, along right now and I max out at about 25 minutes. From weeks six to 11 I was running about five mornings a week. (Yes, my OB-GYN 100% cleared me.) For the past week, I have been sleeping in more and generally choosing rest over running. But last night I went for an evening jog with hubs and it felt SO GOOD to breathe in the cold, fresh fall air, see the changing leaves, ohh and ahh at the grey and crashing waves in the lake. Hubs totally had to jog ahead of me because I take it soooo slowly right now. But it was still really fun and centered me.

T-minus 46 hours til our check-up. Please Lord, let everything be okay. We love these sweet babies—who are literally the most important thing in the absolute world to us—and are praying and hoping with every cell in our bodies that they are big and strong and healthy.

Zen zen zen zen.

That was weird

Last night I was at a work-related event outside of the office. I wore the same outfit I’ve been wearing to work for a few weeks: comfie black high-waisted jeans from Urban Outfitters, a flow-y blouse, and a cardigan. So I arrive and head over to greet a woman I work with pretty regularly who is hosting the event—we email often and make an effort to grab lunch together a couple of times a year. Okay, so as we are greeting each other she PUTS HER PALM ON MY STOMACH and says something like, “Ohhh! It’s so good to see you!”

I was SO taken off guard that I couldn’t even speak for a second. And we both turned bright red because she couldn’t believe she just did that and meanwhile I’m trying to pretend it didn’t happen. This woman works in PR so she’s a pro at awkward situations and after a minute of small talk she whispers to me, “That was so inappropriate. I cannot believe I just touched you, I am so sorry,” and then she says, “But I’m just so happy for you that you’re pregnant!”

WHAT!??!?!?

I didn’t think I was showing. I mean, yeah, I’ve been wearing big tops and my comfiest jeans, but I thought I was totally concealing the general bloat situation. Not a bump.

Btw, she’s 15 weeks along with her second child so maybe she has an amazing-amazing pregnancy radar. Or maybe I am showing more than I think. Either way, I immediately swore her to secrecy because we haven’t told ANYONE—not even our best friends—and we aren’t going to until next week. I am SO nervous and anxious for the NT Scan/12 week check-up and I’m sickeningly anxious and basically counting down the seconds til we get to see if our babies kept growing over the past month and whether everything is okay. (Zen zen zen zen.)

So our convo ended gracefully-ish as another guy, who I know through work and haven’t seen since that 10-mile run over Memorial Day weekend, came by to say hello. And when we were alone he proceeded to say, “So, you’re expecting?”

Hey, at least he didn’t touch my stomach. Geeeeeeez. He must’ve overheard that first woman, right?

I was super super super awkward with him and just gave him a you’re-crazy-look and completely changed the subject. He kept trying to find out why I’m not running the Chicago Marathon, why I didn’t do any tris this summer, what race is next on my radar, etc. It was…..yeah…..awkward. Could I have told him the truth? Yeah….but I felt totally yuck telling this random dude when our close friends and my bosses don’t know. You know? Plus the truth is that I WAS traveling a lot this summer and have been running for the joy or running for a while now, thankyouverymuch.

And then I met up with hubs for a late dinner and told him about the weirdness and asked him the question that had been searing into my mind since the initial hand-on-stomach interaction: If these people I rarely see can tell something’s up, then SURELY my bosses and coworkers are speculating? Ugh! I don’t want anyone to know or even THINK about this until I’m ready to tell them. I don’t want people whispering, “Is she fat or is she pregnant?”

Hubs said that I have a way of “pooching out sometimes” and that work people “probably can tell.” [Geez, thanks a lot.] He then went on to reiterate what he always reiterates lately—that it’s not the babies at all, they are way too little for me to be showing, it’s POOP. [Again, thanks so much hubs. Geeeeez.] You know, because I have a pretty horrendous case of constie-ness that my daily ritual of water/exercise/prune juice/coffee/Metamucil/half-a-table of colace still has not resolved.

Anyway, it is what it is. Not a big deal. What will be will be. Etc. It’s very weird to admit, but the tiny piece of me that isn’t horrified at the though of work peeps knowing/wondering is celebrating that maybe—even though my boobs don’t hurt and I’m not puking and all of that stuff—my body really is changing and growing so much that it’s obvious to other people. I am appalled and overjoyed, at the same time.

But I do feel like I need to do a better job concealing my, ummm, “poop pooch” at work today, Monday and Tuesday.

Please let everything be okay with these amazing babies on Wednesday so I can tell people. Please, please, please, please, please. We love them SO MUCH and want them to be healthy and growing strong so very very very much.

Zen zen zen zen.

T-minus two weeks

Hubs says it’s my Catholic guilt. If something isn’t uncomfortable, it must not be going okay.

Which is pretty much how I feel about pregnancy. I’m constantly wondering if it’s okay that I don’t feel pukey, don’t have ANY boob soreness, haven’t experienced ANY boob growth, am not bone-crushingly tired, haven’t gained any weight (in fact have lost 4 pounds), etc. It just seems like I’m a little island in blogland, not going through these rights of passage. Even bloggies who are just getting their BFPs experience heavy, sore boobs. And I’ve got double the hormones, so what the heck is going on?

Yes, I have constipation. And I am grateful for it! (Hahaha.) But I had it pretty bad before pregnancy….and now I’m not drinking caffeine or running too much, so it’s easy to write it off as a symptom of not doing those things. Also, I have a meat aversion. That actually DOES seem like a pretty big deal so I love that one. I have gone totally vegetarian as of about three weeks ago.

The reason I bring this up now is because of Mel’s recent posts about breast milk versus formula. I have nothing against formula. In fact, my super-mom, who is a high-powered lawyer, used it with all four of us kids as  she scurried back to the courtroom weeks after giving birth. (I know, wow.) And, as the saying goes, we all turned out okay. But that’s not how I want to be. I want to breast feed!

And I’m scared that I won’t be able to. I’m scared my 100% normal breasts portend inability to breast feed. Mel’s breasts never enlarged or felt tender during pregnancy. She didn’t produce milk after giving birth no matter how much she pumped. Googling this leads to message board after message board of women with the exact same experience.

And I think a lot of this, of course, is IF-related anxiety. I have been so used to my body not working for so long that it’s very very hard to trust that it’s going to be able to do everything it’s supposed to in pregnancy. I think about all of the blood tests coming up (like the one I have in advance of our NT scan), and I can’t help but stress about the results. Like, the genetic counselor is going to sit me down and say, “You are a freak of nature. You have no X, Y and Z in your blood and we have no idea how those little babies are growing.”

Does/did anyone else feel this way?

I hope my dear readers who are still aching so badly to be pregnant are not frustrated/annoyed/furious with what probably sounds like whining. I am so lucky to be where I am. I can’t believe my body has gotten us this far. I just don’t know why I feel so normal! AHHHHHH! Obviously I will talk to the doc about all of this next time I go in.

I think all of these things are swirling around in my head because I’m in an ultrasound and doctor drought. With no Dr. Awesome or Dr. Zen to alleviate my fears, I’m all jumbled up and scared. It’s exactly two weeks until our next OB-GYN appointment and the anxiety builds a bit every day. Seriously, I would get an ultrasound every day if they would let me (I was SO SPOILED with the weekly appointments up to 8w6d!). But I’ve got to suck it up and just power through the next couple of weeks like everyone else has to.

More “yuck,” if you will

Thank you all for your reassuring comments on my last post. I really really appreciated them. I ended up calling the nurse practitioner at Dr. Zen’s office on Tuesday morning, because, I am (let’s face it) a complete spaz/worry-wart/psychopath. She was like, “Yeah, this is normal, but call us if it’s worse or you have bad cramping.” She also recommended taking a warm bath to try to flush some of it out. (Now I am addicted to nighttime baths. So. Relaxing.)

By Wednesday morning I no longer had the smear of brown/red on the t.p…..such a relief!! From then on I was only getting pink and brown Crinone curds (sorry) when I rather aggressively and slightly internally swiped the t.p. (You probably are wondering why in the heck a person would go and do a thing like that that. I think it’s a combination of masochism and IF-nurtured-nothing-is-off-limits thinking. Hubs wasn’t impressed when he heard about my “sweeping” routine on every visit to the bathroom. I have stopped doing them, I swear.) Since it’s no longer obvious every time I go, I’ve begun retreating from the ledge.

Alright! To continue my trend of repulsive bathroom-inspired posts, here’s another fun one. Constipation!

Ohhhh yes. We have been intimately acquainted for yeaaaaaaars. I have issues, my friends. I have serious troubles going when I’m not in my parents house that I grew up in or my own apartment. (This made college rather traumatic.) I get pretty darn stopped up when I skip a cup of morning coffee or don’t run. And I can’t go in public bathrooms. Period.

So, now here we are in pregnancy, when normal women suddenly develop issues. Well my ISSUES have developed their own issues. If you catch my drift. I don’t know if it’s the lighter running sked, the no caffeinated coffee sked, or just the hormones sked. The “sked,” is that there is NO sked.

Oy.

I’m drinking a teaspoon of Metamucil mixed with water twice daily, which I’m upping to three times a day today. I’m drinking hot water with a lemon slice a few times a day. I’m eating plenty of fiber-rich veggies. I’m running about 30 minutes a day (supposedly exercise helps get things moving). I’m having a few sips of real coffee in the morning. I’m drinking tons of water all day and night, per usual. I’m contemplating Colace, which Dr. Zen’s office recommended, even though I’m loathe to take a pill for this. Any other ideas? (Please don’t say prune juice!)

On the big upside, at least it makes me feel like I’ve checked a symptom box. Does it count if you totally had it beforehand?

Sorry, yuck, I know. That is all.

My status quo

I am filled with warm fuzzy love for all of you. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support these last few weeks. It means the absolute WORLD to me. Okay, but now that I’ve complimented you, go ahead and tell me I’m an ungrateful jerk. It’s how I feel…I want to be the poster child of positivity and confidence. I want to tell you this experience is all rainbows and sunshine. I have seen bloggies do it so I know it’s possible! But while I feel the happiest I have ever felt, I also feel so scared, pretty much all of the time.

I am scared because I have no symptoms and I will be seven weeks tomorrow. I keep wondering if the other shoe is about to drop. I mean, we have TWO babies growing in there. Why aren’t my boobs getting bigger? Why don’t they hurt? Why am I not yacking? Where’s the nausea? Why can I still get up with the early morning alarm and go running? Shouldn’t my hormones be out of control? Shouldn’t my body feel really different? A little different? I know, I know, I’m so lucky to not feel sick. But I’m terrified. I Google this stuff and it freaks me out because there’s always some reference to studies that show women who have few/no symptoms have a greater rate of miscarriage.

YUCK.

The only things I have going on….worse than usual constipation (I always have issues, but they now require Metamucil, heyyyyo); some discharge here and there (it makes going to the bathroom such a treat, as I simultaneously pray for no spotting but lots of watery discharge); and, slightly more fatigue than usual (but not the crushing exhaustion everyone talks about). I hang onto these barely noticeable happenings for dear life. I am doing my very very best to trust that my body and these blueberry-sized beings know exactly what to do. I hope they are safe and sound and growing, growing, growing.

Zen zen zen zen.

*****

Bunny, she of the glorious new BFP in blog-land, wrote a post about a talisman she’s been wearing to her Betas. I have a couple myself. Actually, I have….so many. There is the gold necklace I wear every day with ivy leaf and four-leaf clover charms. I wear it to all of my RE consults and couldn’t stop wearing it after the IVF consult earlier this month (I wear it every day now). I also have this black string of a necklace, that I’ve tied into a bracelet, which arrived in the mail on CD2. My friend Danielle in NYC, my only friend who knows everything we’ve been through, sent it to me as a good luck charm this cycle: It has a little wooden charm on it with the Native American symbol for fertility etched into it. It flops around when I eat and write and type and I keep saying, “next ultrasound, I’ll take it off my wrist and just carry it with me…” But I can’t bring myself to do it!

I also have a little paper-weight size otter, which hubs bought me off eBay at the beginning of this cycle. He told me it could be my “fertility totem,” and I melted into a puddle of love and gratitude and began petting that sweet otter every night from then on. Hubs knows how superstitious I am, how much I love little charms and good luck symbols. (Like the lucky pig he gave me to carry in my pocket the first time I ran the Boston Marathon. I pulled out a gel to eat at about mile 20 and lost the tiny pig on the road…I actually TURNED BACK for a few steps to look for it! I couldn’t find it, but everything ended up okay and he gave me another pig that has helped me through many more races.) I do weird things with the otter, like make hubs kiss it, then I kiss it, then I make it kiss my stomach. So, yeahhhhh……

When I was a kid, my Mom would put “pocket pals” in all of our stockings on Christmas morning. They’re basically tiny little elves wearing felt clothing in bright and happy colors. My brothers and sister tired of theirs quickly, but I held onto mine for dear life, taking them with me to tennis tournaments and SATs for years and years to come. They come with me to every RE appointment and u/s.

This menagerie travels with me everywhere important I go. Of course the crew came to Oregon with us. Of course it accompanied us to the u/s on Tuesday. Of course I talk to them each night, and ask them to take care of the babies. And I rub my little bracelet charm at work, and reach for my ivy and clover charms on the bus. And I pray for them to keep our babies safe and to help them grow. We love them so much, and I pray so hard that everything is okay.

Zen zen zen zen.

Home sweet home

We saw the sweetest sight this morning. Two heartbeats, both at 118bpm. Baby A is measuring 6w2d and Baby B is measuring 6w3d. (They flip flopped since the last measurement! Cuties.) We are so happy!!! 🙂

I get very very VERY nervous for these ultrasounds, but the simmering anxiety didn’t bubble to a boil until Sunday-ish this time around. Thank you, distracting vacay! I wish I could make the time pass quickly on a trip to beautiful Oregon every week….ha!

Still no sore boobs or nausea or any of that stuff. I know I am very, very lucky thus far. But when you’re scared this wonderful dream will—POOF!—be gone in an instant, a symptom or two would be comforting…..oh well!

We have only told my parents. (I called my Mom right after the positive Beta.) Hubs is allowed to tell his Mom and Dad now that we have seen heartbeats….but his whole family is getting together (sans hubs and me) for Labor Day weekend and we’re afraid his Mom will spill the beans to the siblings. So we’re holding off on telling his parents until next week. If everything looks okay at the next ultrasound. (Please Lord, let these babies be healthy and continue growing perfectly!!!)

In other news, my RE’s office told me it’s time to book an appointment with an ob-gyn. The crazy thing is that before alllllll of this TTC stuff, I saw a gyno-family practitioner. Not an ob. So I have no one in mind. And of course I’ve been much too superstitious to actually dig around on this. But, apparently, it’s time. I know that I will not make the same mistake I made with RE Clinic #1…I won’t blindly walk into a clinic and assume it’ll be a good fit. I will be doing my homework!!!