Down go the decorations

The holiday season is officially over in the Egg household. Wah wah wah. Last night after work I took down all of our ornaments, the cheerful carolers that sit atop our mantel, our Christmas tree coffee mugs, all of the holiday cards from friends (many with pics of newborns, natch) our nutmeg-scented candles and our beautiful tree. I boxed everything up and carried it all down to our storage room in the basement of our apartment building.

I wasn’t at all sad while doing it, but I did miss seeing the pretty white tree lights when I got out of bed this morning. (Have I mentioned I looove the holidays? :)) Still, it feels good to have a fresh start! It’s a new year filled with hope and optimism. Time to move on from 2009 and embrace 2010. Yip for 2010!

So, here’s the 2ww update. I’m 11DPO. My temps are looking good, but let’s be honest folks, temps look good until they look bad. 🙂 I have sworn myself off Google so my only connection to the world of TTC is via blogs (I’ve also been re-reading Al, Courtney and Kate’s 2ww posts). I’m seeing lots of women with 2ww symptoms. I, on the other hand, seem to perpetually be almost totally symptom-less with TTC stuff, from ovulation pain to period cramps. Any time I think I might have a tingly feeling in one of my breasts, it immediately goes away. It’s wishful thinking. And I know that. Fortunately, I haven’t been tormented by many phantom symptoms. Although hope bubbles to the surface here and there, I immediately try to quell it with realistic thoughts. My lining sucked. Why would this work? I’m not trying to be an Eyeore, I’m just bracing myself for what’s ahead.

I’m actively trying to be Zen and chill and whatever! this cycle and it’s mostly working. Although pregnancy thoughts whir in the back of my head 90% of the time, I’m pretty much not engaging them or allowing them to overcome me. I’m going about my day and breathing and doing my job and hanging with my hubs and cooking and cleaning and watching LOST DVDs and reading and smiling and sleeping soundly and seeing friends. I’m living my life.

The RE’s office asked me to take an HPT on Thursday, which is 13DPO. Last time I did Clomid (weak ovulation), my period came 12DPO (tomorrow). So who knows if I’ll even make it to Thursday and get to test. Then again, I haven’t had enough cycles to know what’s normal, so maybe I’ll get strung along for a few more days. Whew, Negative Nelly much?! I don’t feel “negative,” just realistic. I can’t help it: My defense mechanism is in full force as I approach crunch time. This is my first 2ww, since it’s the first time I’ve ovulated since TTC. It has been quite the experience! It feels like I’m some sort of wacky science experiment—physically and emotionally.

But, my chin is up and all is well. 🙂 And so, I wait!

Post-holiday update

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I definitely did. For four days straight I did not think about preggers stuff AT ALL. Well, with the exception of hubs giving me the trigger shot at about 10pm on Christmas Eve night. He was such a champ! (If it worked, I should’ve ovulated sometime on Friday or Saturday…we’ve thoroughly enjoyed covered our bases and only had one, ahem, “day off” since CD9! ) We had a ton of snow in Kansas City and took full advantage of it by sledding after opening presents on Christmas Day. Ahhh, so fun. We also ate like KINGS for four days straight. Yum. 🙂 It was a really wonderful trip.

My work offices are closed this week and I am so excited to have a full week at home. Normally, we travel to both my in-laws’ and my parents’ homes at Christmas-time. This year, in an effort to save some moolah and cut down on the stress of traveling, we only went to my parents (we alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas each year). It definitely has reduced the blah-ness that is going back and forth from airports.

So what will I be doing with my week off? I plan to organize my closets and dresser drawers. I have three freelance projects to start. I need to clean out my files and book shelf. I want to hit yoga a few times. I’d love to go see some museum exhibits I’ve been meaning to get to. That ought to keep me pretty busy! Oh, and we are hosting our dear friends S and J who live in Texas on Monday and Wednesday nights. They are coming with their 17-month-old daughter, A. I am holding my breath just a bit, because I’m anxious S will announce that she’s preggo. I’m trying to mentally prepare for it.

Speaking of a mental test, I guess I am officially in my first-ever two week wait. That assumes the trigger shot worked, and I don’t know if it did, but it’s definitely the best shot I’ve had at ovulating since we started TTC. I forgot to temp this morning but yesterday it was only up SLIGHTLY. I’ll keep at it and see if I notice any shift. I really hope the 100mg Clomid plus Ovidrel worked and I finally ovulated.

A few of you guys have asked about starting Progesterone suppositories to thicken up my lining in the comments. The answer is no, I’m not on them. Dr. C doesn’t think a thin lining will make or break implantation and he opted not to prescribe anything. My Googling suggests otherwise, but there’s nothing I can do about it. So I’m hoping he’s right, and I have some sort of chance this cycle. But inside , to be totally honest, I’ve already written this one off. It just seems like a long-shot that my lining thickened up enough to support implantation from 3.2mm. My guess is that he will put me on Estrogen at the beginning of my next cycle. Which I’m hoping we can move right into, instead of having to sit a month out with another cyst. But this stuff is all out of my control, so I’m doing my best to put it out of my head!

Not a super exciting post, sorry bloggies, but I think I have a little case of post-holiday blues. I already miss my Mom!

Editing myself

I lived in the NYC for about five years after college. S, the girl who sat in the cube next to my hubs at his first job, turned out to be one of the coolest, most fun, smartest girls in that whole city. We hit it off immediately and hubs and I spent a lot of time with her and her equally awesome boyfriend. Even though she’s a year younger than I am, S has always been about two steps ahead of me. She and her boyfriend got engaged and then married a couple of years before hubs and me. Then, she and her hubs moved to the South. They were ready to start a new phase of life! Two years later, hubs and I finally did the same (except we moved to the Midwest). Then, they bought a home. (It took us a few more years and we’re in an apartment, but we do finally own a place!)

S and I have stayed in good touch and catch up as often as possible. One of the things S struggled with when she moved to into their new, beautiful home in a great neighborhood was that all of the neighbors already had kids or were pregnant. She felt too young for that and wasn’t READY! Oh how we career-girls bonded over wanting to wait a couple more years to get preggo.

Taking a chill pill

Dr. C called. No Clomid for me tonight, my friends. He concurs with Dr. Conservative K. Connie’s instincts that it’s just not worth the risk of provoking this cyst/follicle thing I’ve got going on. I took the news calmly and thanked him for calling. (And then thought of, like, 15 questions I could’ve asked him about other stuff, gaw!)

*sigh*

Here is the thing: As I was reading about this stuff on Sunday, I began to veer toward Dr. K’s team and actually started freaking myself out that Dr. C was going to say it was cool to go forward if I wanted to. (I know, I am crazy.) When you have a cyst, there’s potential for it to suck up allllll of the good stimulatory hormones. And if that happens, it grows and grows and the little follicles holding legit eggies, the ones who really should be growing, don’t get to.  In that scenario this cycle would be a bust PLUS I could have a residual cyst at the start of the NEXT one, too, delaying an honest-to-goodness potentially-awesome cycle until, like, February-ish…and that would be such a bummer. Did you get all of that?! 🙂

Plus, despite my rash reaction on Friday, I have now accepted that in the grand scheme of life this is totally Not. A. Big. Deal. But I would VERY much like to be preggers rightthisverysecond, so taking a month off with no action feels a little, um, painful. HOWEVER, I am moving on with high hopes! In an effort to find silver lining, here are five cool things about this bump in the road….

A weak week…

Happy Saturday! It was absolutely beaaaautiful in my hometown today. I hit the lake path and had a lovely run under a brilliantly blue sky. I did not feel fast, I felt snail slow, but that was okay: It was a pretty meditative run. As most of them have become over the last few months. All sorts of stuff was going through my head. I’m not exactly bummed about my Progesterone level. I didn’t expect a nice high number. But still, I can’t help but be a little sad that the powerful 50mg dose didn’t do the trick. Isn’t it funny how you can prepare yourself for the bad news, but it still stings?

To recap: Based on what the nurse’s message said, my RE does think I ovulated, my period should come in seven to ten days, and they’re upping my Clomid for the next cycle.

I had a lot of follow up questions for her, but the nurse didn’t call me back on Friday. So I’ve been putting in some quality time toward my PhD in Google. It seems some labs call anything above 2.5 an ovulation, though this level suggests something called “weak ovulation.” (They want Clomid ladies to register a 15ish level 7DPO.)

With ovulation, I thought you either did or you didn’t. I didn’t know there are varying degrees. Apparently you can have enough LH circulating in your body to trigger the release an egg, but if the “surge” isn’t big enough, this can happen before the egg is mature. Seriously? I don’t know why eggs are released before they’re mature. I don’t get it. But, if this happened, it could explain why I never got a positive OPK, why I never “felt” ovulation, and why I had zero CM during this cycle. And so let’s say I did have a gentle ovulation. (I’m imaging my ovary is a sink faucet and instead of gushing water into the basin, it just lets a drip fall.) If the egg isn’t mature/big enough, it doesn’t make enough Progesterone to prepare the endometrium for an implanted egg. So even if conception occurs, the fertilized egg has no chance getting comfy in the womb.

Since my Progesterone level is so low, I’m worried I’m not going to get my period. I haven’t had a period on my own since the first semester of my senior year of college, so it’s hard to trust that it’s going to come this time. If I had a weak ovulation (again, WTF?) or didn’t ovulate (as some labs/REs would surely say), then can I really expect my body to menstruate? My hubs, who has a very science-y mind, thinks the answer is Yes. “It’s the same process as when you’ve taken Provera,” he reasons. “You have enough Progesterone in your system right now that when it dissipates, you’ll get your period.” Oh, how I hope he’s right! Bring on the cramps, bring on the bloating, bring it all…I want my period so I can continue on this journey!

I’m going to do my darndest to not freak out and patiently wait the seven to ten days (now six to nine, but who’s counting?!). I suppose I really shouldn’t stress out because even if my period is a no show then I can always go back on my old friend Provera. But, you know I don’t want to do that! I want my body to do this thing—finish a cycle!—on its own.

Exercise + Endorphins = The Best!

I got out on the lake path this morning for a gray, windy, slightly wet run. It felt so good to run! Something about getting my heart rate up, sweating and pushing my body forward always makes me feel good. If I’m feeling really down or blah, my first thought is always, “I bet I’d feel better if I went for a run right now.”And then I run, and then I do feel better. It’s kind of weird, I know.

It’s been crazy-hard to drag myself out of bed recently. It’s so dark in the morning—a combo of not-quite Daylight’s Savings Time, plus a string of really dreary days—that it feels painfully wrong to leave my warm, happy bed to venture into the black, cold outdoors. But inevitably, I feel better after I run. It gets my endorphins going. It makes me stronger and more confident—ready to face whatever the world might throw at me. This is why I’m a big fan of working out in the morning…you feel armed and ready to tackle the day. Sometimes I run after work. That’s not bad either—you can run off whatever’s on your mind from the day. You go to bed feeling tired and maybe with a tinge of healthy soreness in your legs. The only problem with running after work, for me, is that I think about it allll day, wondering if something will come up and prevent me from hitting the gym. So whenever possible, I like to bank it in the morning.

Since TTC, I’ve really taken my workouts down a notch. Not that I was ever exercising at the level of a professional athlete or anything (seriously, though my Mom insists on believing otherwise!). But, it’s been intense this year, I will admit. I’ve done two marathons in the past 12 months. Three half marathons. Three olympic-distance triathlons. Two sprint-distance triathlons. A century ride. Oh yeah, and the real biggie, a Half-Ironman. To train for those events, I pushed my body pretty hard. From May through July, I was regularly up between 6 and 630am to hit the pool, go for a bike ride, do a run (sometimes all three). Many evenings, after work, I’d go workout again. It was pretty crazy. I’m happy I did the Half-Ironman, but the training was too much. It became such a time commitment, and was so demanding physically, that after a few weeks it really sucked the joy out of exercising.

But  I didn’t back off the aggressive training regimen just to give my battered body a little break. I also never got a period after going off birth control. I was concerned that my high-level of exercise could’ve been to blame. Again, I was never like elite runner/Olympian Kara Goucher (who is awesome!), running 100+ miles a week. I wasn’t underweight. No unhealthily low BMI. I was totally average! But still, I wanted to cover my bases, so I toned it down with the running and swapped in a couple of elliptical sessions. Nowadays, I jog at a comfie, easy pace and only for about 45 minutes at a time, max. I do yoga (well, I’ve been a handful of times!). I take a couple of rest days a week. It feels pretty good, to be honest.

When I had my consultation with Dr. C, my RE, I brought up exercise. Was it possible my high-level of fitness had made me anovulatory? Chances are no, he said. After checking my bloodwork, he said it was very unlikely. In fact, he wanted me to continue exercising—it’s good for babymaking, he said. But, he doesn’t advise that I suddenly begin training for a marathon. Training for a marathon is not something you want to do when you’re trying to have a baby or are pregnant. I was happy to hear that. But if Dr. C had told me to stop exercising cold turkey in order to increase my chances of ovulating and getting preggers, I totally would’ve done it in a heart beat.

So, ahhh, I had a nice mellow run on the lake path this morning. And then I took my OPK. It was the SLIGHTEST bit darker than yesterday. I don’t know if something’s actually going on, but thank gosh it didn’t get lighter. Or stay the same color. Or go away! The slightly darker line coupled with the run meant I had a pretty great morning. It was far from a positive, but still, something is better than nothing!

It should be ovulating time right around now. Today is CD14. Soooo, c’mon Clomid! I’m trying really hard to be Zen about it. Maybe my body wants to give me a Halloween present tomorrow?! 🙂