Tag Archives: Beta

My status quo

I am filled with warm fuzzy love for all of you. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support these last few weeks. It means the absolute WORLD to me. Okay, but now that I’ve complimented you, go ahead and tell me I’m an ungrateful jerk. It’s how I feel…I want to be the poster child of positivity and confidence. I want to tell you this experience is all rainbows and sunshine. I have seen bloggies do it so I know it’s possible! But while I feel the happiest I have ever felt, I also feel so scared, pretty much all of the time.

I am scared because I have no symptoms and I will be seven weeks tomorrow. I keep wondering if the other shoe is about to drop. I mean, we have TWO babies growing in there. Why aren’t my boobs getting bigger? Why don’t they hurt? Why am I not yacking? Where’s the nausea? Why can I still get up with the early morning alarm and go running? Shouldn’t my hormones be out of control? Shouldn’t my body feel really different? A little different? I know, I know, I’m so lucky to not feel sick. But I’m terrified. I Google this stuff and it freaks me out because there’s always some reference to studies that show women who have few/no symptoms have a greater rate of miscarriage.

YUCK.

The only things I have going on….worse than usual constipation (I always have issues, but they now require Metamucil, heyyyyo); some discharge here and there (it makes going to the bathroom such a treat, as I simultaneously pray for no spotting but lots of watery discharge); and, slightly more fatigue than usual (but not the crushing exhaustion everyone talks about). I hang onto these barely noticeable happenings for dear life. I am doing my very very best to trust that my body and these blueberry-sized beings know exactly what to do. I hope they are safe and sound and growing, growing, growing.

Zen zen zen zen.

*****

Bunny, she of the glorious new BFP in blog-land, wrote a post about a talisman she’s been wearing to her Betas. I have a couple myself. Actually, I have….so many. There is the gold necklace I wear every day with ivy leaf and four-leaf clover charms. I wear it to all of my RE consults and couldn’t stop wearing it after the IVF consult earlier this month (I wear it every day now). I also have this black string of a necklace, that I’ve tied into a bracelet, which arrived in the mail on CD2. My friend Danielle in NYC, my only friend who knows everything we’ve been through, sent it to me as a good luck charm this cycle: It has a little wooden charm on it with the Native American symbol for fertility etched into it. It flops around when I eat and write and type and I keep saying, “next ultrasound, I’ll take it off my wrist and just carry it with me…” But I can’t bring myself to do it!

I also have a little paper-weight size otter, which hubs bought me off eBay at the beginning of this cycle. He told me it could be my “fertility totem,” and I melted into a puddle of love and gratitude and began petting that sweet otter every night from then on. Hubs knows how superstitious I am, how much I love little charms and good luck symbols. (Like the lucky pig he gave me to carry in my pocket the first time I ran the Boston Marathon. I pulled out a gel to eat at about mile 20 and lost the tiny pig on the road…I actually TURNED BACK for a few steps to look for it! I couldn’t find it, but everything ended up okay and he gave me another pig that has helped me through many more races.) I do weird things with the otter, like make hubs kiss it, then I kiss it, then I make it kiss my stomach. So, yeahhhhh……

When I was a kid, my Mom would put “pocket pals” in all of our stockings on Christmas morning. They’re basically tiny little elves wearing felt clothing in bright and happy colors. My brothers and sister tired of theirs quickly, but I held onto mine for dear life, taking them with me to tennis tournaments and SATs for years and years to come. They come with me to every RE appointment and u/s.

This menagerie travels with me everywhere important I go. Of course the crew came to Oregon with us. Of course it accompanied us to the u/s on Tuesday. Of course I talk to them each night, and ask them to take care of the babies. And I rub my little bracelet charm at work, and reach for my ivy and clover charms on the bus. And I pray for them to keep our babies safe and to help them grow. We love them so much, and I pray so hard that everything is okay.

Zen zen zen zen.

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Zen zen zen zen

I am currently oscillating between I-want-to-hug-everyone happiness and pretty serious anxiety. Our ultrasound is on Friday morning (21dpiui) and I am so nervous about what the tech will discover. She’ll be looking for a gestational sac, right? It seems so early to see anything but I’m so grateful I get to go in before the weekend. Please let the sac be there and let it be just right.

In my anxious moments, I think about howt my Beta didn’t quite double (I cannot get those freaking numbers out of my head!) and that I still have no symptoms—zero physical proof that anything is different (please give me a sign!). But those are just places to fixate my worries: I know that I would feel anxiety, no matter what.

I am trying my hardest not to let the anxious thoughts rule me. I’ve done the ellip the past two days and that has helped ease some of my pent up energy. I’m also listening to a track from my meditation CDs daily and last night I did a gentle yoga DVD after work. And I’m cooking like crazy. Distractions! The best I can be right now is cautiously hopeful. And I choose to feel that way.

We are so very, very happy. We want this to work so very, very much. And we are hoping for the best: a perfect sac on Friday.

Zen zen zen zen.

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Beta #2

Can you even believe that subject line?!?! I am so grateful. Thank you all so much for your comments. I have absolutely treasured reading each and every one of them.

So, second Beta this morning…..

Beta 13dpiui: 128

Beta 15dpiui: 247

So it ALMOST doubled. I’m going to be honest: I wanted it to be higher. But I’m also borderline psycho right now with the intensity of my hopes and prayers that this works and that we are really growing a baby in there. (The fact that I still have zero symptoms does not help much…I’ll take some boob soreness anytime now!) The internet tells me that doubling in 48-72 hours is good. The nurse tells me that this is good and they’re not even bringing me in for another Beta. Hubs tells me that I need to freaking relax.

Must. Do. Meditation. CD.

Ultrasound on Friday.

Zen zen zen zen.

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