I wish

I wish I didn’t know my estrogen number.

I wish I didn’t believe this cycle was doomed before I even IUIed.

I wish that on top of IF, my body didn’t respond like a freak of nature to the meds.

I wish I had a few good eggs after my month on the bench, my two weeks of injections and my six monitoring appointments.

I wish I wasn’t scared to death that I don’t even have one in the bunch.

I wish I didn’t feel like I’ve utterly let hubs down. Again.

I wish I were the patient who didn’t have an “unusual” response.

I wish my big follies held healthy eggs like they’re supposed to.

I wish I hadn’t gone from feeling 80% filled with hope to 99% not filled with hope.

I wish this chapter of my life would be over.

I wish I could embrace any of the, “you never know/stranger things have happened/it only takes one/maybe there IS an egg in there” mantras floating all around me.

I wish I could think about something else.

I wish I could forgive my body for fracking up another cycle.

I wish a good night of sleep had made me feel stronger, instead of weaker.

I wish I could stop being so sad, scared, jealous, resentful, selfish, envious, angry, and afraid.

I wish I didn’t know my estrogen number.

HIGHS and l..o..w..s

Monitoring was fantastic. 8.1mm lining. (The tech had to measure it a few different times to give me that great number, but hey, I’ll take it.) Rightie got up to 18! Leftie is going nutso with a 20, 18.5, 18, 17.5. I swear on the walk into work the entire world was so super duper sparkly I needed sunglasses. I kept thinking to myself, THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS! I even thought about how if THIS didn’t work (my thickest lining yet and four follies, amazing for me), we should just go directly to IVF because no IUI cycle would ever work.

I had a cartoon-size smile on my face all day.

Before you tell me I could become octo-mom, let me tell you about my blood work. My E2 is 292. If you’re thinking that number sucks, you’d be correct. The rule of thumb is 200 E2 per mature follie. Which leaves me with….maybe one follie? And my LH is officially so low that it’s not even measurable.

Ugh.

So. I’m triggering tonight. And they want me to come in TOMORROW a.m. for the IUI. It’s odd that they’re not doing the standard 36 hours post-trigger IUI. Especially since I’m most definitely NOT surging on my own (low LH, see above). I can’t help but suspect they’re rushing me so no one has to come in and deal with a patient on July 4th. I’ve got calls into the nurse and Dr. K. I’m sure they won’t change the protocol but maybe they can give me a tiny piece of hope back.

The ups and downs absolutely kill me.

***Update***

What do you know, Dr. K agrees with me and we’re doig the IUI on Sunday instead of tomorrow. The on-call RE’s reasoning for doing the IUI tomorrow morning was that my E2 seems to have plateaued (sad). He wants to catch any viable egg before it goes bad, so to speak. Dr. K sees his point, but would rather IUI 36 hours after trigger. They are hoping that out of all those big guys, one holds a good egg. So after 15 days of stims and 4 follies measuring 18mm or bigger, I have maybe one good egg. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please let it be the one.

Might as well

I am a big goof and subscribe to an “inspirational quote of the day” email. This one above popped into my inbox yesterday morning.

“Action is the antidote to despair.”—Joan Baez

Don’t worry, I am not in despair! But I am in waiting (did I mention that? hahaha), which tries my patience QUITE A BIT. I thought these were fitting words of wisdom on the heels of my Sunday darn-you-Clomid baseline-monitoring-appointment (yes, that’s how it will henceforth be known). Soooo, during the next few weeks of nothingness, I actually have some stuff on my plate. Might as well cross ’em off the list!

First up. I called the RE’s office and made an in-office consult appointment with Dr. C to discuss our course of action going forward. On the table: Is Clomid + Estrogen the best option for me given what we’ve learned? I have already started a memo with questions, concerns, etc. I thought I was a super-informed patient back in October when I first met with Dr. C—ha, I have come so far since then! I’m hoping hubs can accompany me this time because I have a tendency to get emotional in these meetings. (I got teary-eyed last time. And we hadn’t even BEGUN treatment! I know, I am so sensie.) And we need to stay on-point and get four months worth of questions answered!

Next. I asked Dr. C if I should maybe get that pesky HSG test I initially deferred because of insurance issues. I would have to pay for it. And given that I may need to invest in injectables sometime in the near-ish future, I don’t relish that thought. BUT, the more I invest in this process, the more I want to be sure I’m going to benefit from the treatment. How much would it suck to spend a small fortune on injectables and monitoring only to discover my tubes are blocked or something? (Please Lord, no blocked tubes.) Anyway, he had the nurse call back with the answer: YES, get the HSG. Okay, done. I’m doing it a week from tomorrow. Might as well make the most of an off month. (Anyone been through this with words of wisdom? Can I go back to work afterward or no? I’ve gotten mixed responses from people at the RE office on that.)

Third. I’m going to the dentist for a routine cleaning and checkup a week from today. Because I just can’t get enough of doctor’s offices! Haha. No, seriously, it’s been an embarrassingly long time since I got my toothers checked up. It’s time.

Finally. I will continue BBTing in case my leftover follie magically releases an egg. The attending doc at Sunday’s darn-you-Clomid baseline-monitoring-appointment recommended getting a CD21 P4 reading even on this non-medicated cycle, just to see if my body tried to ovulate. Interesting idea, right? That, combined with my consult with Dr. C, the HSG, and the dentist gives me some stuff to do this month. And you thought I was kidding when I told you I hated being inactive!!!!

Oh, and if the temps ever rise above freezing single digits in the early morning tundra where I live, I’m going to run my little heart out on the lake path, too. 🙂 Thank you for the awesome comments on that front. I love it when friends enable me to do the things I clearly really really really want to do. 🙂

On to the next!

My period has arrived. I’m not having much crampiness and this is about as light a “flow” as you can imagine, but it is legit, even if it’s a mini period. Yip yip yip!

Why am I so excited? Well, in case you couldn’t tell, I was soooo worried there wasn’t enough of a Progesterone spike to bring it on. I was trying hard not to be all doom and gloom, but the thought of waiting around for a no-show period—then going back on my old friend Provera—really, really had me down. But yep, my RE was right: The period came. Today is CD27, er, CD1. That seems like a nice, sorta normal-sounding cycle-length, right? So now it’s Clomid cycle #2, I am officially on to the next!

Now I realize my body didn’t do this on its own (thanks, Clomid, kisses!), but isn’t it nice when it does what it’s supposed to? (Hey body, please keep following directions when we start popping the 100mg pills, k? Please!!!! You will make me so happy if you do!!) By the way, I finally got in touch with a nurse on Tuesday with my CD21 follow-up Qs (I spoke to Gina, the really, really awesome/nice one) and she said my 3.5 number was GOOD. I told her I’d spent a lot of time researching this online and that the 3.5 didn’t seem good according to ANY OTHER source. She said I need to remember my body is MY body and I have a doctor treating MY situation. Everyone is different, yada yada.

She also informed me there was a chance I could be preggo based on the 3.5 reading. What the what?! I didn’t really believe her, to be totally honest, but it was comforting to have someone rooting for a cycle I’d long since written off.

Anyway, now I wait for Dr. C’s orders. Gina mentioned on Tuesday that they will likely up the monitoring this cycle (from zilch to somethin’), which I am ALL FOR, and that we’d probably up the dosage to 100mg Clomid, too. Great, bring it on! I’m ready to start fattening up some follies. Let’s do this!