And here we are

We triggered last night (twelfth night of stims, not too bad!) and will IUI tomorrow. We officially have one good follie on the left, with a “maybe” on the right (if it works really hard to catch up). I had a bunch of follies hanging out in the 12-13ish range and there was talk about canceling or converting to IVF. So, we triggered quickly to save the cycle. Phew.

I love Dr. Awesome. I love his knowledgeable, compassionate nurses. I love his online patient portal where hubs and I can access my daily monitoring results. I love his protocol. I love that he is checking my P4 in a week. I love that I have a Beta test scheduled and don’t have to take an HPT. I love his aggression with my treatment. I love his caution. I love everything about clinic #2.

Can we be friends?

That’s what hubs and I say to each other as a way to make up after we’ve argued. Those words are code for, “I don’t want to be in a fight in more, let’s move on!” An olive branch, if you will.

I feel like that’s what I’m doing with blogging. I want to be friends with it again. Lately I’ve been focusing more on commenting and less on writing about myself because it was fueling my tendency to freak out, moan, weep, obsess, complain and feel jealous and angry and sorry for myself. There is a fine line between venting and enabling negativity. I am working hard to find the balance. I want blogging to be a healthy, therapeutic thing for me again.

I’m still trucking along with injections and monitoring for IUI 3.0 at Clinic #2. Dr. Awesome is using a similar protocol to Clinic #1’s, except instead of Luveris to help out my super-duper low LH, he asked me to begin inject low-dose HCG on my fifth night of stims and also to start Ganirelix (to prevent premature ovulation) on my seventh night of stims. I’ve “checked out” (well, more than usual) and I’ve been letting hubs do the Googling and cycle comparing when I get monitoring results. He has also been taking the pressure/stress off of me with injections. He preps them each night (mixing up the low dose HCG, dealing with the Ganirelix, setting up the Gonal-F pen), and then injects me while I look away. It’s amazing what a difference it makes to take all of my injections in the evening and to have someone else worry about them for me!

I’ve also been focusing on being more gentle with my body. I’ve been doing lots of yoga, and no running. I bought a meditation CD aimed at infertility and have actually been leaving my desk for a half hour every day at “lunch time” (we all eat at our desks) and listening to it on a park bench. I’ve been practicing the deep breathing I learned on that spa trip with my Mom in April. I have not managed to chillax into a blissful Yogi state by any means, but I am really trying to be more “okay” with everything. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad. Even Steven.

Honestly, I know that all of the hard work I’m doing on myself hangs in a fine balance….the moment my cycle goes off the rails, or a friend emails with baby news, or whatever, I could potentially melt down. It’s easy to be Zen when everything’s going okay. Still, it’s more pleasant than the alternative—being a crumpled mess of despair no matter HOW things are going.

I’m trying really hard to take this cycle day by day dear bloggies. I’m trying to find my sweet spot.

Clinic #2

I called clinic #2 yesterday to discuss “what’s next.” Do we need to do a second consult with Dr. Awesome before beginning treatment? Should we go right to IVF? What happens if I have a cyst? Should we try a third and final IUI?

The nurse was lovely and went through my file with me and answered all of my questions. She said Dr. A is satisfied with hubs’s SA results and my hormone levels from the fasting blood tests I did a few weeks ago. He feels an IUI is not a waste of time, but he would support our decision to do IVF, too. It’s 100% up to us what we do next. She went through the IVF start dates for the fall and asked me to call back as soon as we’ve made a decision—either way—so we can get the necessary meds ordered and paperwork signed. I also gave her all of the relevant details from this current cycle and let out a sigh of relief when she didn’t seem fazed by my number of big follies vs. low E2 number. (I’m sorry about this, but you should know that I am QUITE obsessed with my estrogen and will probably be talking about it for a while. 🙂 )

On Friday, when I got my E2 results, the only thing that prevented me from melting down at work was the thought that we could go directly to IVF and be done with this #@$^#* IUI crap. But the more I think I about it, the more I feel like we should probably do an IUI with Dr. A and let him get a firsthand feel for my body’s weirdness and response. Besides, he will have a different protocol (potenitally stepping up my Gonal-F dosing mid-cycle, not using Luveris, adding Ganirelix to absolutely prevent premature leutinization) and that could be helpful as a diagnostic when creating my IVF plan.

Plus, there is a chance this low E2 thing would happen again during an IVF cycle. IVF is not a guarantee that I’ll have good hormone levels, a fluffy lining and some good eggies. Everything is a freaking crapshoot, even IVF.

So I am thinking that we will do an injects/IUI cycle with Dr. A in August. (Hopefully my cysties only keep me on the bench for a week or so this next cycle?) And if that IUI doesn’t work, we’ll either jump into the September 12 or the October 3 IVF cycle. I have a fair amount of unused vacation left and want to take a REAL trip with hubs (not a wedding weekend trip where we eat all of our meals with place cards in front of us). So maybe we’d take September off treatment, take a trip just the two of us, and come back ready to IVF in October. (Side note: It’s painful to think about taking a voluntary month off, given all of my bench time.)

Behind all of this planning, excel sheet calculating, etc—I am almost ashamed to admit it—but, the teenie tiniest bit of hope is maybe-sorta-kinda blossoming. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s treating myself like a pregnant woman…no glasses of red vino after a long day at work, no runs along the lake, no lifting weights in front of the Today Show, no hot yoga classes. Maybe it’s the emails/blog updates I’ve been reading with “It worked!” updates. Maybe it’s the hope that we are about to begin working with a new doctor and a new clinic. But the moment I  start to feel hope, my face blushes red and hot with the ridiculousness of it all. I feel like a complete fool. I have visions of the Baby Gods Up Above shaking their heads and whispering to one another, “Poor thing, she actually thinks there might be a chance.”

I want this to be over. Over. Over. Over. I have never been so ready to have the luxury of thinking about something else, my friends!!!

PS Anyone seen Season 5 of Weeds? We have been watching the DVDs all summer and began the final disc last night. Darnit if the plot development isn’t a complete buzz kill. I mean…a show about drugs and pot where the lead character perpetually carries around either 1) a venti iced Starbucks, or 2) a bottle of white wine? I thought I was safe getting hooked on it!