Ugh. Yip! Ugh. Yip!

I’ve been back at work for 2.5 weeks and have started to write about what it’s been like at least 3 times now and have ultimately decided this: My opinion changes hour to hour. Seriously. Ugh. Yip! Ugh. Yip! That’s kind of how it goes. In the same 24 hour period I have felt giddily grateful to have a job that I love, coworkers I enjoy interacting with, the ability to leave the house and do something that stretches me mentally, and a loving husband and awesome nanny who make it all possible. Later the same day, I’m bitter and tearful about how late I’m stuck at the office, I am heart-achingly missing the babies and literally contemplating how we could make a go of it with two babies and zero salaries (my hubs is in grad school, muhahahahaha).PS That last one isn’t going to happen. PSS I feel really lucky to have a job in this economy. And even better, a job that I  really love. (It would be totally soul-crushing to leave your baby/babies every morning to go to a job you don’t love.) I apologize for sounding like a jerk if it seems I’m whining about work or the fact that I miss my babies, because I know how incredibly, insanely lucky I am to have these things to talk about.

So yeah. Work. For the first couple days back I was like, “Awesome! This isn’s so bad, I can do this!”  But then….it turns out it’s pretty darn hard to be away from them all day. And then it’s morning again and time to get into the office and I miss my bus and then the train and the next bus and the next train because I literally can.not.say.goodbye.to.these.babies. And then I’m rushing rushing rushing home at night, trying to catch a half hour with them before they go to bed. It’s a lot of rushing around—and trying to find peace and quiet with the babies and hubs in between. I think it will get easier and I’ll get used to the fact that every night when I come home they honest-to-god look bigger and different than when I left then in the morning…..right?

Anyway! Some bullets….

  • They are up to 50th- (Champ) and 25th-percentile (Honey) for weights as of their 4-month appointment (non-adjusted!). I’ve stopped obsessively weighing them so much because they are such chubsters. But we still track their milk intake pretty rigidly.
  • Champ’s flat head on the right side was enough to cause concern, but nothing nearing “he needs to be in a helmet.” We were given some strict orders on how to turn his head to prevent it from getting any worse. I’ve read this happens more often in multiples (harder to turn their heads and prevent flat spots when you’re trying to focus on two babies at once)…but now it’s priority number one. Hubs tweaks his head position a half-dozen times a night!
  • Pumping is going….pretty well. The cons are that it takes away from how wonderfully unrestricted feeding time could be at dawn since I’m hooked up to a pump. And that Honey has totally lost interest in nursing (I 100% blame myself because I just couldn’t give her enough time on the boob to get thru a disinterested spell once I went back to work). And that it’s kind of a pain in the you-know-what to carry around my little cooler bag to and from the tiny, cold, dark supply closet they have me set up in. But whatever! The pros are that it feels awesome to DO SOMETHING for the babies (you know, besides bringing home the bacon) while I’m at work. And that Champ is still into nursing. And it burns a zillion and one calories. I am trying to make it to 6 months but we’ll see…..
  • I feel guilty that I can still nurse Champ 1x/day (more on the weekends) and not Honey. Sad face.
  • There are a few preggos in the office right now. It’s wonderful to not feel jealous. But I do look at them and think about how much I miss being pregnant. (Minus the anxiety!)
  • I feel like my work has been SO COLORED by IF or pregnancy and it’s SOOOOO weird to just BE at the office without that pain or anxiety. I can’t believe I’m going to leave it at that but it’s too complicated to say much more at this point.
  • Speaking of, this has been a really emotional few weeks for me and I’m not sure if it’s the work thing or the many anniversaries I’m finding everywhere I turn…..beginning of the cycle that worked, IUI day of the cycle that worked, IVF consult anniversary, wedding anniversary, weekend the babies probably implanted, etc etc etc. I think these anniversaries will be with me forever.
  • Our nanny is wonderful. Loving, nurturing, kind. There are teenie tiny things I could point out but I’m not going to because the truth is I could not ask for a bigger blessing: the peace of mind that our babies are safe and loved while I’m at work.
  • Honey rolled over from tummy to back on my first day back at work. (It seemed like a cruel/funny joke from the Universe.) Champ followed her 2 days later. Then a week after that he went from back to tummy. (Here’s hoping Honey might just be saving her first back-to-tummy roll for a weekend with Mama!) Honey loooooves to walk around as we hold her hands—it is out-of-control cute, she laughs and her eyes twinkle and she gives us the most ginormous gummy smiles. Champ folds into a little puddle when we try to put weight on his feet (hahahaha). They are talking up a storm, grabbing toys, grunting, giggling, clasping each other’s hands, and generally doing all of these incredible little-person–like things that absolutely amaze me.
  • Just when I think the babies are as cute as they could ever be, they are even cuter when they wake up the next day. Oh, my lord. It is just too much, it takes my breath away how sweet and innocent and happy and curious they are. They are good good little eggies.
  • I don’t get to put the babies to bed Wednesday, Thursday or Friday nights because of my work schedule. I think that has been the hardest part about being back at work. I won’t say more or I might never hit publish. 🙂
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17 Comments

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17 responses to “Ugh. Yip! Ugh. Yip!

  1. You are doing so great! and your feelings are 100% normal.

    my pumping goal was 6 mos and I’m now there and nowhere near erady to stop — you know how much I would have to cut my calories at that point?? lol. I have thoroughly enjoyed providing for my girl AND being able to eat whatever I want.

    new pics, please!!

  2. I agree with Ginger, you are doing great and your feelings are very normal. It sounds like you have very happy babies and that is what is important. Thank goodness for good help from the Nanny. She must be a life saver. When do we get some updated pictures of those cute babies??

  3. I owe you an email! For now, at least a comment! Great post!!! You would be crazy to not have that internal battle of ugh! yip! every day…it sounds completely normal to me. How amazing/surreal to be coming up on all of those important anniversaries. And how wonderful that you take time to remember them all and give them the credit they deserve for being such an important and difficult time of your life…what a difference a year makes! xoxo

  4. Heather

    Oh, it does get easier! It really does. When I went back to work when my baby girl was 12 weeks old, I felt so overwhelmed and like there was no way things could ever get better or easier. I felt like it would be hard forever and that I would never again feel like I was spending enough time with her. But it really did get better, very gradually. I think the process was so gradual that I didn’t notice it happening. Of course I’d still like to be able to spend more time with her, but we have our routine down. And now that she’s a little older (almost 2!), her bedtime is a little later, so I’m seeing her more. After I stopped pumping around 11 months and then weaned at 13 months, I found that I had a lot more time. And also around that time, she really got the hang of feeding herself, which is another time-saver. Things are good now. Really good. Have hope. :o)

  5. I’m sure it’s such a rollercoaster being back at work. It sounds like you’re adjusting as best you can and are holding on for the ride. 🙂 The babies sound like such little cuties.

  6. It sounds like you’re adjusting really well to being back at work. I give you major props for how you’ve dived right back in. Hearing (or rather reading) about the babies and their milestones and accomplishments gets me even more excited for my little one to make his appearance.

    Enjoy each minute you have with the little ones!!

  7. I’m so happy to hear that everything is going so well! I know what you mean about your babies looking bigger after only 8-9 hours away from them. Weird, huh? I’m so happy that you love your job and really get the best of both worlds, even though it is so hard being away from them.

  8. It sounds like you’re adjusting as well as you possibly could right now. You’re always going to have those hard moments, but hopefully they’ll become less and less frequent. You’re doing such a good job!

  9. Sounds like there is so much going on, Eggie, and Champ and Honey sound like such little loves. I understand why it’s so hard to leave them for any time at all! But it also how great it is to be doing work you love. Sigh, life is complicated.

    You’re doing great! The schedule will get easier (I hear). And hubs will be done with school soon, so the pressure will no longer all be on you.

  10. Photo!!!! So happy to have an update – dang you are doing well woman!

  11. It sounds like a hard, busy, rich and beautiful life. I hope the hard parts get easier–I know the beautiful parts will get more and more beautiful.

  12. I’m in the same boat as you. Hubby in school and will be for 2-3 more years. So I have to work. Wish I could at least work less. Hang in there.

  13. AL

    I’m so glad that you love your job otherwise I can imagine this transition back to work would be so much harder (and I’m sure it’s already hard enough). It sounds like you’re handling it so well and your little ones are flourishing :-). Keep up the good work, mama! And, yes, more photos, puh-lease!

  14. TIO

    So great to hear from you!
    I guess there was always going to be some anxiety and sadness about going back to work, but it’s great that you are acknowledging the positive aspects too.
    Babies photos PLASE!

  15. Sienna

    Yaay for a job you love and ESP that those sweet babies are doing well! You sound like you are adjusting well and that your feelings are quite normal. Hope things are easier with hubby and his phd stuffs. Post some pics soon pls!

  16. I had to go back to work after four weeks – it killed me! My husband had lost his job when we found out we were expecting and found a new one a month prior to my EDD. Plus my maternity leave was unpaid so more than four weeks without a paycheck coming in would have sunk us. It SUCKED.

    It got better – then I had to take a day off from work because my IL’s who watch Dayne during the week, were out of town. Since then I dream daily of being a SAHM but we cannot afford it! 😦 You’re doing an awesome, amazing job. Truly you are.

  17. Mara

    You describe so. well. what I feel too. Especially the rushing. There is always something I need to be doing, somewhere I need to be, I feel like my adrenaline is permanently high.

    Re: pumping, I also love being able to do something for Henry while I’m at work and still feel connected to him. It takes so much time, but I like it. Plus I ate an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s yesterday. So there’s that. 🙂

    Glad to hear Champ doesn’t need a helmet (at least yet). Henry’s head is pretty flat but he’s mostly sleeping on his stomach now (oh the anxiety about that, but I can’t stop him!) so hopefully it gets better.

    I so want to work part time. I know just how you feel about the swing in how you feel about working, too. Sometimes it’s fine, sometimes it’s the worst thing ever.

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