Ugh. Yip! Ugh. Yip!

I’ve been back at work for 2.5 weeks and have started to write about what it’s been like at least 3 times now and have ultimately decided this: My opinion changes hour to hour. Seriously. Ugh. Yip! Ugh. Yip! That’s kind of how it goes. In the same 24 hour period I have felt giddily grateful to have a job that I love, coworkers I enjoy interacting with, the ability to leave the house and do something that stretches me mentally, and a loving husband and awesome nanny who make it all possible. Later the same day, I’m bitter and tearful about how late I’m stuck at the office, I am heart-achingly missing the babies and literally contemplating how we could make a go of it with two babies and zero salaries (my hubs is in grad school, muhahahahaha).PS That last one isn’t going to happen. PSS I feel really lucky to have a job in this economy. And even better, a job that I  really love. (It would be totally soul-crushing to leave your baby/babies every morning to go to a job you don’t love.) I apologize for sounding like a jerk if it seems I’m whining about work or the fact that I miss my babies, because I know how incredibly, insanely lucky I am to have these things to talk about.

So yeah. Work. For the first couple days back I was like, “Awesome! This isn’s so bad, I can do this!”  But then….it turns out it’s pretty darn hard to be away from them all day. And then it’s morning again and time to get into the office and I miss my bus and then the train and the next bus and the next train because I literally can.not.say.goodbye.to.these.babies. And then I’m rushing rushing rushing home at night, trying to catch a half hour with them before they go to bed. It’s a lot of rushing around—and trying to find peace and quiet with the babies and hubs in between. I think it will get easier and I’ll get used to the fact that every night when I come home they honest-to-god look bigger and different than when I left then in the morning…..right?

Anyway! Some bullets….

• They are up to 50th- (Champ) and 25th-percentile (Honey) for weights as of their 4-month appointment (non-adjusted!). I’ve stopped obsessively weighing them so much because they are such chubsters. But we still track their milk intake pretty rigidly.
• Champ’s flat head on the right side was enough to cause concern, but nothing nearing “he needs to be in a helmet.” We were given some strict orders on how to turn his head to prevent it from getting any worse. I’ve read this happens more often in multiples (harder to turn their heads and prevent flat spots when you’re trying to focus on two babies at once)…but now it’s priority number one. Hubs tweaks his head position a half-dozen times a night!
• Pumping is going….pretty well. The cons are that it takes away from how wonderfully unrestricted feeding time could be at dawn since I’m hooked up to a pump. And that Honey has totally lost interest in nursing (I 100% blame myself because I just couldn’t give her enough time on the boob to get thru a disinterested spell once I went back to work). And that it’s kind of a pain in the you-know-what to carry around my little cooler bag to and from the tiny, cold, dark supply closet they have me set up in. But whatever! The pros are that it feels awesome to DO SOMETHING for the babies (you know, besides bringing home the bacon) while I’m at work. And that Champ is still into nursing. And it burns a zillion and one calories. I am trying to make it to 6 months but we’ll see…..
• I feel guilty that I can still nurse Champ 1x/day (more on the weekends) and not Honey. Sad face.
• There are a few preggos in the office right now. It’s wonderful to not feel jealous. But I do look at them and think about how much I miss being pregnant. (Minus the anxiety!)
• I feel like my work has been SO COLORED by IF or pregnancy and it’s SOOOOO weird to just BE at the office without that pain or anxiety. I can’t believe I’m going to leave it at that but it’s too complicated to say much more at this point.
• Speaking of, this has been a really emotional few weeks for me and I’m not sure if it’s the work thing or the many anniversaries I’m finding everywhere I turn…..beginning of the cycle that worked, IUI day of the cycle that worked, IVF consult anniversary, wedding anniversary, weekend the babies probably implanted, etc etc etc. I think these anniversaries will be with me forever.
• Our nanny is wonderful. Loving, nurturing, kind. There are teenie tiny things I could point out but I’m not going to because the truth is I could not ask for a bigger blessing: the peace of mind that our babies are safe and loved while I’m at work.
• Honey rolled over from tummy to back on my first day back at work. (It seemed like a cruel/funny joke from the Universe.) Champ followed her 2 days later. Then a week after that he went from back to tummy. (Here’s hoping Honey might just be saving her first back-to-tummy roll for a weekend with Mama!) Honey loooooves to walk around as we hold her hands—it is out-of-control cute, she laughs and her eyes twinkle and she gives us the most ginormous gummy smiles. Champ folds into a little puddle when we try to put weight on his feet (hahahaha). They are talking up a storm, grabbing toys, grunting, giggling, clasping each other’s hands, and generally doing all of these incredible little-person–like things that absolutely amaze me.
• Just when I think the babies are as cute as they could ever be, they are even cuter when they wake up the next day. Oh, my lord. It is just too much, it takes my breath away how sweet and innocent and happy and curious they are. They are good good little eggies.
• I don’t get to put the babies to bed Wednesday, Thursday or Friday nights because of my work schedule. I think that has been the hardest part about being back at work. I won’t say more or I might never hit publish. 🙂