I go back to work in two weeks. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I remember when the babies were born and feeling like my four months of maternity leave was going to be an ETERNITY. Well, it was and it wasn’t. First of all, I am in COMPLETE AWE of you rockstar Moms who go back after 6, 8, 10, 12 weeks. You guys are seriously awesome. At 6 weeks post-partum I was a complete mess. I cannot fathom having my sh*t together enough at that point to be able to leave the house in a presentable outfit, have coherent conversations, etc etc etc. You guys are amazing, seriously, amazing.
I am a mix of (inarticulate) emotions about my return to work.
At the moment, the overwhelming feeling is NERVES. I was working from home (those scary bedrest days) for five weeks before the babies came. Which means I haven’t been in the office since February 11. That was a loooooooooooong time ago. I was constantly on the phone with and emailing/IMing with coworkers during that time so it wasn’t like I was totally off the grid, but you know what I mean.
Since the babies came, I have compleeeeeeeeeeetely checked out of work. Well, I check my email every three weeks or so to clean it out and make sure I’m not missing a staff-wide notice about an open part-time position (hahaha), but that’s seriously the extent of it. I am also friendly with several coworkers so we’ve exchanged emails about the babies/work gossip/etc off line. But I have missed SO MUCH. Two humongous projects that I love overseeing every summer? Another staffer handled them. A major MAJOR change at my business? They sailed the stormy waters without me.
I feel really weird about the fact that “life went on” remarkably well without me at work. They have done just fine. (How in the world did they manage that?! Kidding, kidding.) Do they need me anymore? Are people going to be annoyed at me that I took four months of leave instead of the standard three? (And why the frack do I care all of a sudden?) Am I still going to be good at my job? Will I still command respect when I come back? Not just because I was GONE for so long, but because now I’m sure to be thought of as a softie, maternal, waaaah-I-miss-my-babies woman and not the tough-as-nails, burn-the-midnight-oil worker-bee I once was. (Okay, to be fair, I have always been a softie.)
As of this week, I keep showing up at my office in my dreams and it’s freaking me out.
Also, is it completely f-ed up that I’m fixated on THIS stuff and not the obvious?
That being, of course, that after four months of caring for my sweet, sweet, SWEET little babies 24-7, I will suddenly be working 50+ hours a week? Shouldn’t I be freaking out about going into withdrawal from my little ones? About how much I will miss them? Shouldn’t I be afraid of crying at my desk? How sad will I be on the nights I can’t put them to bed? How resentful am I going to be on the three nights a week that I work late? Am I going to be okay? Are the babies going to be okay without me? How will I pump? Should I stop BFing now? Will the nanny be as awesome as we think she is?
Like I said, I’m a mix of emotions and I think I’m subconsciously focusing on the mental stuff: the extreme weirdness/anxiety of returning to my office job and how I’ll deal….instead of the big issue tugging at my heart: how much I’ll miss my babies.