Dum dum dum dum DUM

I go back to work in two weeks. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I remember when the babies were born and feeling like my four months of maternity leave was going to be an ETERNITY. Well, it was and it wasn’t. First of all, I am in COMPLETE AWE of you rockstar Moms who go back after 6, 8, 10, 12 weeks. You guys are seriously awesome. At 6 weeks post-partum I was a complete mess. I cannot fathom having my sh*t together enough at that point to be able to leave the house in a presentable outfit, have coherent conversations, etc etc etc. You guys are amazing, seriously, amazing.

I am a mix of (inarticulate) emotions about my return to work.

At the moment, the overwhelming feeling is NERVES. I was working from home (those scary bedrest days) for five weeks before the babies came. Which means I haven’t been in the office since February 11. That was a loooooooooooong time ago. I was constantly on the phone with and emailing/IMing with coworkers during that time so it wasn’t like I was totally off the grid, but you know what I mean.

Since the babies came, I have compleeeeeeeeeeetely checked out of work. Well, I check my email every three weeks or so to clean it out and make sure I’m not missing a staff-wide notice about an open part-time position (hahaha), but that’s seriously the extent of it. I am also friendly with several coworkers so we’ve exchanged emails about the babies/work gossip/etc off line. But I have missed SO MUCH. Two humongous projects that I love overseeing every summer? Another staffer handled them. A major MAJOR change at my business? They sailed the stormy waters without me.

I feel really weird about the fact that “life went on” remarkably well without me at work. They have done just fine. (How in the world did they manage that?! Kidding, kidding.) Do they need me anymore? Are people going to be annoyed at me that I took four months of leave instead of the standard three? (And why the frack do I care all of a sudden?) Am I still going to be good at my job? Will I still command respect when I come back? Not just because I was GONE for so long, but because now I’m sure to be thought of as a softie, maternal, waaaah-I-miss-my-babies woman and not the tough-as-nails, burn-the-midnight-oil worker-bee I once was. (Okay, to be fair, I have always been a softie.)

As of this week, I keep showing up at my office in my dreams and it’s freaking me out.

Also, is it completely f-ed up that I’m fixated on THIS stuff and not the obvious?

That being, of course, that after four months of caring for my sweet, sweet, SWEET little babies 24-7, I will suddenly be working 50+ hours a week? Shouldn’t I be freaking out about going into withdrawal from my little ones? About how much I will miss them? Shouldn’t I be afraid of crying at my desk? How sad will I be on the nights I can’t put them to bed? How resentful am I going to be on the three nights a week that I work late? Am I going to be okay? Are the babies going to be okay without me? How will I pump? Should I stop BFing now? Will the nanny be as awesome as we think she is?

Le sigh.

Like I said, I’m a mix of emotions and I think I’m subconsciously focusing on the mental stuff: the extreme weirdness/anxiety of returning to my office job and how I’ll deal….instead of the big issue tugging at my heart: how much I’ll miss my babies.



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16 responses to “Dum dum dum dum DUM

  1. You will be awesome because, let’s face it: You ARE a rockstar. It will be very hard at first but you will get in the swing of things and it will seem as though you never left. I took 12 weeks off and was so busy when I went back I didn’t have time to be sad. On your way home from work you will be SUPER DUPER excited to see them.
    Just tell yourself you are working FOR Champ and Honey; and you will be spectacular.

  2. good luck with the transition back. it’s hard, ugh – it’s HARD. i like the pp’ers perspective though and try to tell myself something similiar. i’m doing it FOR my kids…

  3. With your newfound sense of zen (as evidenced by the airport gauntlet), you will do great with this. The nanny will be awesome, which will make it even sweeter when Champ and Honey flip out with joy upon seeing you — that is when they’re old enough to express it visibly.

  4. From everything I have read on other new mommy blogs, it’s hard to go back to work. Some of them have been fine but others have been *not* fine. Your feelings are completely normal. You will miss your babies but I think it will be good for you to get back to a work routine. You like your job and that makes all the differnce. And since you have to work, there’s no need to put any more pressure on yourself…it’s not like you are saying good-bye to parenting; working *is* a part of your parenting. Try not to stress too much. Maybe do a couple of dry runs with the morning and evening schedules before the time actually comes so you can figure out if you need to change or tweak anything about your new routine. Just a thought.

  5. This is tough, Egg. It is great that you love your job and are excited to go back. And of course it will be so hard to leave you littles. You will just have to see how it goes.

    I’m planning to go back to teaching and academic work for the spring semester next year (the very end of January, about 15 weeks from the latest date the docs will let me go overdue with Smudgie) and I’m starting to worry. I need to go back to keep my fellowship. But I haven’t even priced out nannies yet and even hiring one for only two days a week, I don’t think my fellowship will cover the cost. So if I go back, we will actually *lose* money. But if I don’t get childcare help, I don’t see how I will ever finish my degree. Decisions…

  6. I’ve been back at work for almost 2 months and it’s still hard, but it IS doable. I hate my job, so you should be in much better shape 🙂

    Good luck!

  7. FCblacksheep

    OK, so the transition is going to be tough. There will be that weird “hey remember me” readjustment at work but think about the times you’ve gone on vacation and come back. They get along fine without you and the minute you walk back in the door, it’s right back in the saddle. There’s probably a good number of people who’ve been crossing out dates on their calendar until you get back for months. So that part you totally don’t have to worry about. No doubt you’ll be just as good (if not better) and kick total butt.

    And you’re probably focused on the work stuff because your brain doesn’t even want to deal with leaving those sweet babies. Not to mention, you’re with them 24/7 now so reality hasn’t hit at all. Those worries and concerns will come after the work readjustment. But you Egg, as stated above, are a rock star, and you’ll totally rock this (even if there’s a bump or two along the way).

    p.s. Any chance of a post on finding/interviewing/adjusting to the nanny? We’re most likely doing in-home care and I’m just starting to investigate options. Be cool to hear someone’s experience.

  8. AL

    wow, it’s been four months already? how is that possible?

    I think it’s great you have a bit of excitement about going back to work. Even though they got along w/o you, I bet they still missed you and things weren’t done as well as if you were there. Wishing you luck on going back to work!

    (also: yes!! would love to do a playdate!!!)

  9. I can totally see why you’d be worried about ALL of these things–not just leaving the sweet babies. I’d be constantly thinking about the work stuff, too. Good luck with it, babe! I’m sure everything will go well. You are one of the strongest women I know.

  10. I think it’s so wonderful that you love your job enough to be worrying about some of these things, and there will be plenty of time for missing your babies later. I hear the leaving them is agony at first, but quickly gets better.

  11. I am so sad too that it’s already time for you to go back to work. It seems like just the other day we were cheering you on to make it one more day before deliverng those sweet babies. Time really does fly! All your worries sound like things I would be thinking too. I’m sure it will taking some adjusting, but you are going to be fabulous at work just like you are at being a Mom!

  12. Back to work? Already? I feel like you just got your BFP 🙂 I imagine it will be super hard, but most certainly get easier once you ease into a routine. Ego aside, try to embrace the awesomeness of people learning to do things without you, so, like, you can get home at a decent hour! You rock. You will rock this too.

  13. You will rock this per usual!! It’s only natural to freak out about this. But I know everything will go wonderfully for you, the babes, and DH! Xoxo

  14. UGH! I have to go back to work on August 15th…it is SO HARD. However, it is nice to get away for a bit. It’s a tough job being a momma! You’ll do great…the babes will do great!!!!
    We are taking our first airplane trip to Denver next weekend…so thanks for all the advice! Hopefully our 3yr old and our baby will do as well as your kids do!

  15. I m not sure how Canadian schools work, but most parents I know go out and buy a big house in a good school district the moment they even think about having children.

  16. I think it depends on your cause for IUGR. For me, it’s high blood pressure and impending pre-eclampsia. When I quit working, my blood pressure got a lot better. I have a follow-up growth scan tomorrow, so we’ll see if that helps. But I think going 3 weeks is extreme, I’ve had weekly BPP’s.

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